If Only
by TheMusicLives
Summary: How would things have been different if Blair had spent the night in Chuck's suite instead of going home after their infamous limo ride? Season 1 slightly rewritten from "Seventeen Candles." CB, TV Universe. 'A Thin Line...' in progress! Chapter 8 is AC!
1. Got A Hold On Me

**A/N: Hello, everyone! This is my first GG fic so I'm hoping for a warm welcome into the fandom. (Crossing Fingers) My idea with this was to explore how things might have been different if Blair had spent the night in Chuck's suite after the limo incident in "Victor/Victrola" instead of going home. The plan is to rewrite the C/B story line from "Seventeen Candles" through to "The Thin Line between Chuck and Nate." If there isn't anyone interested in this, I'll just leave it as a oneshot. Just remember, if I don't rewrite it, it will be the same as what happened in the actual episode. BTW, this hasn't been beta'd, so please forgive any mistakes I've made. Thanks for giving me a try and please enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Blair, Chuck, or Gossip Girl. If I did, Blair would realize that Nate is a whiney baby and Chuck is all the man a girl could ever need.**

**Warnings: T for occasional language and adult themes; may change to M in later chapters.**

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**IF ONLY  
Chapter 1**

**"Got A Hold On Me"**

* * *

Caught somewhere in the fog between wakefulness and beauty sleep, Blair Waldorf was only aware of enough to notice her immediate surroundings. The blanket her left hand was resting on wasn't the satin comforter that Darota had made her bed with just yesterday. She had her feet twisted in sheets that were an even higher thread count than the Egyptian Cotton coverings she had purchased from Neiman Marcus only last week. Her chocolate brown locks were fanned out on a pillow beneath her head that was decidedly feather-stuffed, as opposed to the memory foam cushions that adorned her bed. With only one conclusion to draw, she began to lazily reflect on the many reasons that could explain why she wasn't in her own bed. 

Before she could begin to delve into her memories of last night, she rolled experimentally onto her right side and discovered her answer without a thought: her head was now resting on another human's arm. Still not concerned enough to open her heavy eyelids, she didn't fight the hand that touched her shoulder, trailed fingers down her arm, and drew her hand to rest across the chest that the hand belonged to. After settling in against the warm body next to her, she was finally alarmed; her bare breasts were pressed against a cologned, _male_, body.

Startled out of sleep, her eyes popped open and took in the expanse of slimly muscular chest, dusted lightly in brown hair. Her gaze didn't move to the man's face, but she still knew it wasn't her longtime boyfriend who held her. Nate Archibald's chest was a little more built, smooth and free from any of the tiny brunette curls that she could see at this moment. She was only slightly worried about this development, but her confusion was swiftly forgotten when lips pressed a soft kiss to her forehead.

Suddenly, Blair Waldorf couldn't help but remember how she had woken up in Chuck Bass's bed._

* * *

Her first Champagne flute of the night was clutched in her hand and still half full when she bent to set it down and rise to his challenge. The cocky declaration that she wouldn't set foot on the stage showed how much he underestimated the reckless mood that Blair was in and her determination to escape from thinking about her break-up with his best friend._

_When she strutted up the steps and began to put on a show for him, his jaw had dropped. He must have forgotten to hide his intrigued desire from her, because it was written all over his face. Not that Chuck could have hidden it from her anyway; she could read him like a book when not even his best friend had been able to so._

_After her impromptu striptease, he had congratulated her on her performance with a grudging respect, conceding the single victory to her. The way the night started had been horrible, but now she felt free and alive on the adrenaline that look on his face caused to flow through her veins._

_When they finally poured themselves into his stretch limousine, that carefree feeling still enraptured her brain, pushing her to take every chance available on this thrilling night. His reaction to her actions had taken the camaraderie that she'd always felt in his friendship and turned it into a dark curiosity, twisting in her throat to block her words. All she could think about was how he would taste…_

_And that's why she kissed him._

_She leaned to take his lips in hers and was silently elated when he bent his head forward to meet her. At first taste, the scotch on his breath had been no surprise, but the spark of need in her gut was shocking. She was starting to question whether she'd always wondered about the enigma that was her boyfriend's best friend and whether he had imagined this could happen before tonight._

_Her head was muddled, but she still heard his whispered words when he recovered from their kiss: "You sure?" Blair was sure of nothing other than that she was probably the only girl who'd received that kind of consideration from Chuck Bass. In that realization, she found that she was sure; whatever happened tonight, she wasn't going to regret it in the morning._

_She had answered his question with a kiss and not held anything back. When he pushed through the barrier to enter her, she felt nothing but safe and treasured; his uncharacteristic gentleness was only hers. He had her gasping for breath in his arms and crying his name out in ecstasy before they reached her building, but she still felt as if there was more she should seize. _

_When she made no move toward the door for the real world, his face had displayed his bewilderment. He was no longer puzzled when she kissed him and whispered, "Your place."_

_They had continued to kiss as the car glided along the few city blocks from Blair's building to the Palace Hotel and the ride in the elevator had been no different. By the time they arrived on the fourteenth floor, they were, again, gasping for air as Chuck unlocked the door to his suite and guided their bodies inside. _

_When he pushed her up against the back of the door after locking it, Blair abruptly detached herself from his embraced and walked away. At his surprised groan, she threw a seductive look over her shoulder and accompanied it with a single-worded challenge: "Shower?" One of his trademark smirks had shaped his lips and, before she could protest, he had gathered her up in his arms with her feet kicking to find the floor. The giggles from her mouth had trailed all the way into the bathroom._

_After their shower, Blair was sitting on the edge of Chuck's king size bed running a brush through her hair and not wearing a stitch of clothing. She could feel his gaze on her when he exited the bathroom rubbing a towel over his head to dry his tousled hair and wasn't shocked when the towel was abandoned to drift to the floor. When his naked flesh hit hers the hairbrush fell to the floor to keep the towel company._

_Breathless, Chuck had collapsed on top of her and put his forehead to hers while they caught their breaths together, then they settled into each other to sleep for the night. Blair's head was resting on his shoulder and his hand was tracing invisible patterns on her back as she drifted off to sleep, thinking of how different spending the night with Chuck was from what his reputation had led her to expect._

* * *

Blair was shaken from her reverie by a hand running through her tresses, stopping to untangle curls that had manifested due to her failing to blow dry it. She didn't know what she expected to see on Chuck's face, but the guarded sentiment in his eyes shook her to the core. He seemed afraid she would run the moment that she woke up, realizing what she had done. 

Giving him a shy smile when she thought of the vixen she had been last night, she attempted to reassure him she wasn't going to bite his head off for not stopping her. "Good morning."

His mouth mirrored her attempt at a smile, while his eyes lit with the mischief she had expected to see. "It's a very good morning." An eyebrow arched upward as the smile became a cocky smirk. "The kind that follows a very good night… one for the record books, I think."

Rolling her eyes and trying not to let her smile grow into a grin, she playfully shoved away from him. "And why is that," she teased, "Did you accomplish something while I was asleep?"

Before he could return her quip, there was a sharp rap on the door. "In addition to the… services I performed last night, I ordered breakfast. Does that count?" Throwing the covers away from his body, he swung his legs over the side of the bed. As he strode across the room, Blair took the moment to appreciate how comfortable he was walking around naked and was slightly disappointed when he covered himself with the robe he had retrieved from the bathroom.

As he opened the door, she covered her head to shield her presence from the staff; she didn't need a bitter maid tipping Gossip Girl off to where Blair had spent the night. When the door closed, the covers were pulled from her head and replaced by a quick kiss. "Breakfast, huh?" She tried not to seem impressed that he had thought to order room service; he normally bragged about how whatever girl had spent the night was put out of his room when the food was delivered. Then again, nothing that qualified as normal had happened in the last twenty-four hours.

A self-satisfied smile lifted his lips as he held out a robe matching his own toward her. "I don't know about you, Blair, but I worked up quite an appetite last night." When she grabbed a pillow and threw it at him, he ducked and then dropped the robe on her head. "Now, get dressed and come eat breakfast like a good girl."

His tone seemed to suggest that she didn't know how to behave like a 'good girl,' most likely referring to her actions last night. She climbed out of the bed and walked over to the bar where Chuck was perched on a stool, dishing up a plate, and dropped the robe on his head without a word. When it dropped to the floor, he abandoned his stool and pressed himself up against her. He had neglected to tie his robe shut so they found themselves skin to skin yet again. "Have it your way, Waldorf," he growled against her cheek, "I should have known better than to expect you to be good."

"I guess I didn't expect clothes to be required for _anything_ in Chuck Bass' suite." She nipped at his earlobe playfully and bent to retrieve the robe from where it had fallen on the floor. Shrugging it onto her shoulders, she scooted onto one of the stools and crossed her legs, allowing the robe to hang open.

Climbing onto his own stool, Chuck reached across and pulled the front of her robe closed, tying it. "Normally, you would be correct, but if you continue to run around naked, I'll never get any food _and_ I'll die of exhaustion." With a sardonic smirk, he closed his own robe, which did nothing to hide the tent that was currently pitched in his lap.

Feeling very content with their flirtatious banter, she took in the impressive spread of breakfast foods that was spread out on the bar. "I will say one thing; the Palace knows how to do room service." There was everything from pancakes and eggs to Danishes and fruits to coffees and juices adorning the cart.

While Chuck sat in silence across from her, Blair chose a single pancake, an apple, a scoop of scrambled eggs, and poured herself a glass of skim milk before she dug in. He wasn't the only one who was starving. She noticed that he wasn't talking so she turned to face him, seeing an uncertain look on his face. "What?"

His voice was surprisingly steady, considering his nervous facial expression. "They don't always bring this much food, I just didn't know what you would like." He turned his eyes back to his plate before asking, "So, what are your plans today?"

Blair saw a smile blossom across her face in the mirror across the bar as she realized what day it was. "As is tradition on the day before my birthday, I'm heading the to jewelry store to put some pieces on hold for Eleanor and…" When her eyes flicked over to Chuck's reflection her voice died in her throat; his fork was frozen in midair and his face had turned to stone.

When his eyes met hers in the mirror, his expression didn't change; she knew she looked horrified at her slip, but she also looked guilty. His voice was cold and hushed as he asked, "So you're still planning on dear Nathaniel singing happy birthday this year?"

"Chuck, I…" She watched his reflection descend his stool and walk around the bar where he quickly poured himself a scotch and gulped it down. "I don't know what to say. Last night…"

"Was fun," his shoulders shrugged it off, but his posture was otherwise rigid as he threw another shot back. He had resurrected his famous emotional walls again, hiding the vulnerable man she had been accompanied by since she had taken the stage the night before.

"It was amazing and I'll never forget it," she tried to reach for his hand, but he pulled it from her grasp. "It's just that, no one knows that Nate and I broke up and I want to try and fix it while I can... if I can." He was avoiding her eyes, closing himself off while sloshing the amber liquid in his glass around in circles.

"You best not waste anymore time her then," his eyes flickered to the door then back to the fascinating glass he was still swirling in his hand. Wasting her time wasn't what she was doing here, but he decided that was what she thought; the whole morning she had reveled in the fact that she hadn't been dismissed like his normal bedmates, but it turns out it had just taken longer. All she had to do was mention her ex-boyfriend.

Sliding off of the stool, she walked over to where her clothes from the night before were strewn across the couch and dropped her robe. After quickly dressing, she threw one last glance at Chuck as she grabbed her purse; he was back on his stool and she was struck by how dejected he looked before he saw her staring. When his face transformed back into his normal 'fuck off' attitude, she walked to the door. That was when he decided to say, "I'll have the limo waiting when you get downstairs."

As she placed her hand on the door, she tossed a grateful look over her shoulder as she turned the knob. "No, I think I'll swing by Serena's." She stepped through the door and stood with her back facing him before adding, "When I said that last night was amazing, I meant it… thank you for being there to pick up the pieces."

After the door clicked shut behind her, she walked steadily down the hallway toward the elevator, wondering why there were tears welling to her eyes for her to fight off. The walls were too thick for her to hear the amber-filled glass shatter the mirror as it crashed into the wall across the bar.

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**A/N: So... how did I do? Should I continue? Just click the button to let me know.**


	2. Strong Enough to Break?

**A/N:** You guys are completely fantastic, do you know that? The response for this story is more than I could have ever hoped for! Thank you sooo much for all of the reviews and compliments.  
As I explained at the beginning of the first chapter, this will be season 1 re-written. This chapter picks up where the last one left off in "Seventeen Candles" and it gave me some trouble. You will see familiar dialogue from the actual episode as well as my twists on it. The purpose of this fic is to re-imagine the motivations of the characters and see what could have happened if they had made slightly different decisions. I'm not going to make many huge changes to the story line, Blair going to the Cotillion with Nate for example, but I'll tweak things to get to my ending.  
Oh, and if you find a mistake in grammar or something I would love for you to let me know. Nicely, of course. :D That being said, I hope everyone enjoys this chapter and the journey into the complex minds of Chuck and Blair.

**Disclaimer: I don't own Blair, Chuck, or Gossip Girl. If I did, Blair would realize that Nate is a whiney baby and Chuck is all the man a girl could ever need.**

**Warnings: T for occasional language and adult themes; may change to M in later chapters.**

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IF ONLY 

Chapter 2

"Strong Enough to Break?"

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Staring at the fractured remnants of the bar mirror, Chuck couldn't believe where he found himself this morning. Thinking about how out of character he had been acting in the presence of Blair for the last few hours, he was searching his memories for the reason why she had triggered such a change in him by simply taking a stage. The little dance that she had done, seemingly just for him, had simultaneously thrown him for a loop and turned him on. His best friend's ex-girlfriend was completely off-limits and, therefore, had become utterly irresistible. 

The way she had come onto him in the backseat of his limo had shocked him, to be sure, and he knew what she was giving up. She was one of his only friends, so there was no way that he could treat her like any other girl; he knew that it fell to him to make her first time special. When he did his best to make sure that she was comfortable and to be considerate of her, he never expected that she would want to come back to his suite. Again, Blair wasn't a random chick that he could do and dismiss, so he had relented and broken one of his rules: leave them begging for more.

Nothing could have prepared him for the carefree Blair that he had unleashed at Victrola; the one who behaved like a seasoned seductress. The straight-laced girl that he had known most of his life had become an unhindered woman in the span of twelve hours and he didn't know what his opinion was on the transformation.

She had lured him into the shower and proceeded to unleash her screams to echo off of the tiles as he thrust into her against the wall. When he exited the bathroom, he had been overcome with lust as she sat brushing her hair, not at all ashamed of her nakedness. Only she had ever taken a hold of his imagination like this; Blair Waldorf had become someone capable of stealing his tight control over his body and Chuck Bass was suddenly powerless to stop her.

There was a reason why he didn't sleep with the same woman more than once and she had become the example. Between the friend she was before last night and the lover she had become since then, he had formed an attachment. Chuck Bass had become vulnerable, powerless against the fluttery feeling in his stomach every time he looked at her.

He had tried to impress her by ordering breakfast; there was a crazy need to make sure he could give her anything that she wanted. The embarrassment over his inability to fight the temptation her nudity presented led him to joke about dying of hunger and exhaustion, but he had been serious. She had reduced his resolve to dust.

Hearing her about to mention Nathaniel had brought a crushing surge of jealousy to the center of his chest and burst the bubble he had been existing in. Last night he'd made sure she wasn't going to kill him in the morning for taking advantage of her; there was no way on earth that he could have known _he _would feel like the one who'd been used. He should have made her get out of the car when they reached her building. Bringing her back to his suite like she'd asked had only caused him more problems than he had already.

Hind sight was twenty-twenty, however, so now he was left to study his uncharacteristicly devastated expression in one of the shards of glass still stuck in the frame of the destroyed mirror. Wasn't it supposed to be seven years of bad luck for breaking one of the things? It sure seemed like his luck had finally run out.

Slowly sliding from his perch on the stool, he decided that a cold shower would clear his head. If only he had any hope of the water cleansing the hollow ache from chest where his heart was thought to be; breaking the mirror in frustration sure hadn't helped.

* * *

After using her key to get into Serena's suite to change her outfit, thanking God that she wasn't there and that Blair kept a few outfits at her best friend's just in case, Blair continued on to the jewelry store. With all that had happened last night, she should have been stewing about being manipulated into dancing; that _had_ been the catalyst for everything that followed. But, inexplicably, she wasn't at all regretful of her actions. 

The only thing she could think about was the look on Chuck's normally haughty face when she mentioned Nate. The playful light that had been in his eyes switched off immediately, like someone had pulled the plug on a dream sequence in a television show. His demeanor did a complete one-eighty, leaving Blair to wonder if last night had meant more to him then it had to her.

Shaking that ridicules thought from her head, she walked into her apartment to see her mother muttering in shock at a newspaper. "Hey, mom. I just got back from the jeweler's and I have to say…"

"Have you seen this?" When Eleanor dropped the offending paper down onto the table in the foyer, it was Blair's turn to be shocked.

Picking up the paper, she screwed her face up in confusion. "Since when does drunk and disorderly get this much attention?"

"Since never! The Captain is being charged with _Embezzlement_ and _Fraud_. This is an absolute disaster." Her mother was practically shaking in frustration, but all Blair could do was stare down at the headline on the front page: 'ARCHIBALD INDICTED.' It might as well have said, 'Welcome back to reality, Blair Waldorf.'

Her heart was sinking into her gut with guilt over what she had been doing while her ex-boyfriend had been dealing with this terrible problem. "It must be awful for them."

"I meant for me! The captain is supposed to _represent _me…" As her mother rambled on, Blair tuned her out. The picture of her ex-boyfriend and his family on the front of the New York Journal jarred her from the problems her night with Chuck had caused; she needed to get a hold of Nate to offer her support. He had been her friend before anything else. When she stated her intentions to call him, her mother continued to ramble as Blair escaped to her room.

* * *

The cold shower had served to calm Chuck's nerves, but not his heart-rate. When he exited the bathroom, the way that he had thrown Blair out that morning was still on his mind. Choosing an outfit from his closet, he contemplated her response to his cold dismissal. The way that she dropped her robe to dress in front of him, her hesitation to accept a ride, the last thing that she said; it was almost as if _her_ feelings had been hurt instead of the reverse. 

All of this was entirely too confusing for his newfound conscience to manage. Shaking his head, Chuck dressed mechanically while he fought for understanding of the situation and was shocked to feel that _he_ should apologize to _her_ for his behavior. His life had become such a mess, but he was torn between wanting to go back to the norm and calling Blair just to hear her voice.

Unfortunately he found himself thinking of the birthday party he was to attend tonight and of the gift he still needed to purchase. An apology would be a strange experience, but if he could express his undefined feelings with a present instead of words…

Grabbing his wallet and phone, Chuck headed for his door, shaking his head at what he knew he was about to do. He was well aware of which jewelry store Blair's wish list would be fulfilled at; he had gone with Nathaniel at least once to pick up her gift over the years. Chuck was going to try to win over his best friend's ex-girlfriend with stolen knowledge.

If this was what it meant to have a crush, he wanted no more of it.

* * *

She attempted to reach Nate five times, but only heard his voicemail. On the sixth try she snapped the phone shut as Serena waltzed into her room. Without knocking. "Hey, B." 

Forcing a smile to her features, Blair enveloped her friend in a hug. "Serena, I thought you weren't coming over until later." Releasing herself from the embrace, Blair walked over to her closet and pretended to be interested in choosing an outfit for her party that night. She half-listened while Serena related her experience of making out in a café with Dan where his 'Best Friend' Vanessa was working.

"I can't believe he told her that you guys were going to do it." She was still shuffling clothes around in her closet, trying to look occupied.

It seemed to be fooling Serena. "Well, _I_ told _you!_"

"That's different; I'm a girl." Serena was just too trusting and Blair was getting tired of explaining the danger to her.

"Well, so is she." No matter how hard she tried, it seems that Serena still didn't get it.

"Exactly my point." She rolled her eyes at her best friend's naïveté and turned around with two outfits. "But even if she wasn't, when you get a boyfriend, you become the best friend and the best friend becomes the second best friend. That's just how it has to be if it's ever going to work." She felt like kicking herself for lecturing Serena on relationships at this point, but it's what the girl expected and obviously what she had come over for.

Blair was holding the chosen clothes up to her body to compare them when Serena touched on the one subject that Blair had been hoping to avoid. "Hey, you still haven't told me how Nate's doing; it's all over the news."

Unless _that _was why Serena had come over. Blair quickly racked her brain for a plausible explanation, "Uh… When I spoke to him this morning, I… I told him to focus on his family today."

"He's still coming to your party, right?"

Silently cursing her best friend for being 'concerned,' she continued to lie through her teeth. "Uh… I… I told him not to worry about it. I mean, only if he's up to it."

"You're such a good girlfriend, B. Really." Blair couldn't help but inwardly cringe. She was the furthest thing from the model girlfriend right now and she didn't dare confide in her best friend until she was certain she and Nate _weren't_ getting back together. "Hey, um, I'll just pick you up and we can go together… but I really hope that Nate will make it."

Giving Serena a slight nod when she said goodbye, Blair was both hoping Nate would be there and dreading what would happen if he did come. She was in uncharted waters; forefront in her mind was how she couldn't know the way things would be with Chuck at the party or if he would tell Nate. The troubling thing was that she couldn't care less to see Nate right now, let alone be concerned about whether he found out where she had run last night. Sure, she was worried about the situation that Nate's family was finding themselves in, but she couldn't stop picturing the crushed look on Chuck's face. For some strange reason, she was more concerned with how Chuck was faring than she was with Nate.

Getting up to hang her decoy clothes back in her closet, she almost jumped when her phone rang. After setting the clothes in their places, she made herself calmly walk over to her phone and pick it up. Seeing Nate's name on the caller ID was a disappointment for some reason, but she had to put up a concerned front anyway. "Hi, are you okay? I've been calling you all day." Right; more like ever since she had crashed back down to Earth.

Nate's nervous voice came through the receiver. "Yeah I'm fine, thanks. I, um… It's been a little busy."

"I just wanted to check on you." She bit her lip, hoping he would be brief so that she wouldn't have to lie _too_ much. "See if you need anything?"

"Yeah, I kinda do."

As she stood staring across her room, she instantly knew what was coming and wished that he wasn't so predictable. "Oh?"

"Um… Blair, do you think we've been a little hasty with the whole break-up?"

Telling herself to play it cool, Blair told him the _only_ truth that she knew at the moment. "I don't know, Nate, um… it was a pretty difficult decision." Well, that pretty much summed things up. "But we do have a lot of history together… maybe we should talk when I see you tonight." Fingering one of the seams on her comforter, it appeared to be a good idea. That way if she _does_ decide that she's through with him, he wouldn't be getting the news over the phone.

"Yeah, yeah… of course! Listen, we'll just take it slow and see how it goes. And uh… I've got a birthday present for you. It's, uh, something special."

Forcing as much enthusiasm as possible into her voice, she hastened to finish the call. "I can't wait to open it at my party. See you there." She pressed the 'end' button on her phone before he could answer and she flopped back onto her bed in defeat.

She hated herself for her selfishness, but dialed the jewelry store that she'd only visited that morning. "Hi, this is Blair Waldorf, I was wondering if any of the pieces I put on hold were picked up today? The diamond necklace? _Really?_ Thank you."

The urge to slap herself after hanging up was astounding. Leave it to Nate to try to win her back by purchasing the most ostentatious item that she had chosen. Sighing as she stared at the high ceiling of her bedroom, she lamented over the trial her life had become. If they decided to stay apart after their conversation tonight, she was going to hurt his feelings again by not accepting his gift. It just wouldn't be right considering how much she knew it cost.

Covering her face with her hands, Blair refused to think about why losing the necklace was the only disadvantage to breaking-up with Nate that she could come up with.

* * *

**A/N:** I hope that this update gets as good of a response that the first chapter did. Don't want to disappoint! Let me know what you thought! 


	3. Can't Stop

**A/N:** I'm sorry this took me so long to post, you guys, but I kept psyching myself out about this scene. :lol: This chapter is slightly shorter than than the others, but it felt like it needed to stop here. It's extremely Chuck-centric, dedicated to those of you who wanted more Chuck insight last chapter. Also, it came out this way because it's my favorite Chuck/Other Character scene post-Victor/Victrola. I just love the way Ed plays the scene and the way you just KNEW what he was thinking behind those gorgeous eyes of his. :D Another thing, I know the dialogue is mostly the same right now, but it will be changing subtly, probably starting with next chapter. Small changes are all I'm making.

Again, this is un-beta'd, so go easy on me. I'll probably re-read it again tomorrow for mistakes and fix any I find. That's the way it usually goes, anyway. :lol: Oh, and I wanted to mention that the title of the story _and _the chapter titles are song titles. Extra love for the person who can name the band that they all come from. :D I hope you guys enjoy, and thanks for reading/reviewing!

**Disclaimer: I don't own Blair, Chuck, or Gossip Girl. If I did, Blair would realize that Nate is a whiney baby and Chuck is all the man a girl could ever need.**

**Warnings: T for occasional language and adult themes; may change to M in later chapters.**

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IF ONLY 

Chapter 3  
"Can't Stop"

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Chuck Bass, the most notorious teenage playboy the New York Upper East Side has ever yielded, was starting to panic. After a whirlwind trip to an exclusive jewelry story, he was sitting at the bar in his suite, staring in shock at a black box that couldn't be heavier than a few ounces yet carried the weight of a million consequences. His eyes were frozen on the heart-shaped, diamond accented charm as his fingers brushed reverently over where it dangled from the chain. 

When he chose the stunning necklace out of the myriad of items Blair had chosen, it had seemed like the perfect item, but the more he studied it, the more remorse flooded his head. This had been meant for Nate to purchase; Chuck was absolutely certain. If not because it was the most expensive piece of jewelry that Blair had chosen, then it was due to the heart-shaped charm unwittingly symbolizing the wearer carrying the giver's heart around their neck. The more Chuck became comfortable with the idea of giving Blair his heart, the higher his level of alarm rose. His heart was supposed to be his own, yet here he was with this damning necklace about to figuratively hand it over to a girl that would most likely crush it beneath her over-priced designer shoes.

As if the terror slowly beginning to course through his veins hadn't been enough, there was a loud rap on his room's thick wooden door. Quickly snapping shut the jewelry case that was cause for so must unrest, he placed it carefully into the golden gift bag the store had handed it to him in. After placing the bag on the bar, he descended his stool and slowly crossed the floor of his suite to the door to peer through the peephole at his guest.

Seeing his best friend on the other side of the barrier had never been so petrifying.

Breathing deeply to try and calm his unnaturally racing heart, Chuck held tight to the hope that Nathaniel would assume he wasn't home and leave. When a voice came from outside of the door, the wish died unfulfilled. "Come on, man, I can hear you breathing on the other side of the door. Is she anybody you can get rid of? I really need to talk to you man, please."

Barely controlling the urge to sigh mournfully, Chuck waited a beat before turning the knob to allow his friend inside his former haven. "Nathaniel!" Turning before his friend could see the shame in his eyes, he quickly made his way back over toward the bar stool he'd vacated to answer the door.

"Where's the girl?" Chuck glanced up to see Nathaniel peeking into the room, expecting to find that Chuck had company like he would have on any usual morning.

Chuck used his friend's absent mind to buy him a little time; he grabbed the golden gift bag from where it sat on the bar and hid it behind the back of the stool next to him. "In my dreams… I was trying to get some shut-eye. What's on your mind?"

"It's my mom…" Nate sounded vaguely tormented.

Slipping easily into the asshole persona his friend expected, he replied, "Sounds Freudian." On the surface, Chuck was back to his inappropriate self.

The comment didn't even faze Nate as he continued his lament, "She wants me to give Blair her ring."

At least he _had_ been able to feel like normal for a few minutes; Chuck almost lost his nonchalant attitude at that revelation. "_What?_ You guys broke up."

Nate's head fell back to rest against the couch in resignation. "Yeah, I know. I mean, uh… wait, how do you know?" He now had his eyes trained on Chuck suspiciously, most likely trying to figure out how he knew.

Anxiety welled up Chuck's throat as he came up with an outright lie. "Predictably, your ex ran the old, uh, 'Grill the Best Friend' play…tried to find out where your head was at." Hopefully Nate wouldn't notice the slight stammer with which the excuse was delivered; Chuck had never stuttered before this moment. "So, uh, where… uh, where is your head?"

Luckily enough, his best friend's brain was too occupied to notice Chuck's slipping composure. "Spinning. I mean, my mom wants me to get back with Blair so Eleanor doesn't pull out of their business deal. It's all because of my dad's whole… trial thing, you know?"

There was that guilty feeling again, weighing down on his chest. Chuck wasn't one to apologize for what he does, but he wished that Blair had happened to him under different circumstances than his best friend's father being arrested. "Yeah, I'm sorry about all that." And he was, but he still wasn't above steering Nate away from the ex-girlfriend that he never had truly appreciated. "But, look, if you're done with Blair, be done. Don't cave to your parents' wishes if they're not your desires." It really would be best for all involved if Nate moved on from Blair.

Nate looked more confused than ever. "Excuse me? Where's my boy? You know, seal the deal, tap that ass… money marries bigger money?"

"Look, I care about three things, Nathaniel: Money, the pleasures that money brings me, and you." Just because that list may have grown to four things, didn't mean that Nate needed to be let in on that information just yet. Chuck needed to assure his friend that he had his best interests at heart, even if it did serve his own purposes as well. "I'm just trying to have your back here. Your parents have been controlling you your whole life; if it doesn't end now, when will it ever?"

It only took a second for Nate to nod his head at Chuck's train of thought. "Maybe you're right, man. All they've been doing is blaming me for my father's problems and expecting me to fix them." His chin came down to rest on his fists, his elbows resting on his knees. "Dad told me last night that _he_ was the adult, but I can't help but feel like I've been raising _him_ the last few months, you know?"

Chuck finally left his perch at the bar and took his place next to Nate on the sofa. "Nathaniel, there comes a time in ever Upper East Side teen's life when he realizes his parent's maturity level does not surpass his own." He slung his arm across his blond friend's shoulders and leaned back into the couch, smirking at the ceiling. "I was fourteen… but then again, I was always ahead of the developmental curve."

Nate's smirk grew to match his own. "Then again, you're dad is Bart Bass… we grew up knowing that he has the emotional depth of a frat guy."

The smirk on Chuck's lips grew to a grin as he chuckled. "Doesn't bode so well for our lives, does it? Our parents have taken 'screwed up' to a more fantastic level than we ever could have imagined."

"It's going to be difficult to beat this one." Nate's face turned contemplative for a moment as he pulled a ring-sized box from his pocket. "I'm going to go for a walk to do some thinking, so I'll catch you later, man." Standing back up, he re-pocketed the object and began to walk to the door.

Chuck stood to watch his friend go and get one last quip in. "Luckily for us, our parents lives are too messed up to allow them time to ponder what we're doing when they aren't watching." The mischievous twist to his lips only added meaning to the wink he ended his statement with.

With a wave, Nathaniel's laughter followed him on his exit from Chuck's suite; its echo reverberated in Chuck's chest, somehow making the Blair situation feel even more serious. If Chuck succeeded in getting Nate to give Blair up, and vice versa, what would happen if Blair actually considered being with Chuck an option? Would Nate hate him for dating Blair? For the circumstances that brought them together?

Could he actually lose his best friend over a girl? Chuck would have never thought it a possibility in the past, but it seemed as if reality was a lot crueler this morning. Not only had Blair left under strained circumstances, but Chuck had grown a conscience about growing attached to his best friend's ex.

He was starting to doubt whether he was right for taking a chance on his own intellect. The same mind that was telling him there was an underlying motivation behind Blair's behavior toward him.

Walking over to the barstool that held the golden bag, he removed and opened the black box. The shining splendor of the gold that glinted there would have screamed Blair's name if it could. He could picture how it would hang around her neck like it belonged there. All it took was the thought of her smiles and laughter from that morning to cinch the heart in his chest to the one on the chain.

There was no question to whether he would return it, now. His heart was going to be hers for the taking, no matter the repercussions.

* * *

Blair was pacing back and forth in front of the mirror, wearing her black lingerie, striped tights, and heels when Serena finally walked into her room. "You know, B, if you aren't careful, you might wear a hole in the floor." The blonde let out an amused giggle at her own joke, but stifled it when Blair sent her a cutting look. "Blair, what's wrong?" 

There was not a chance in hell that Blair was going to admit how nervous she was about seeing both Nate and Chuck at the party tonight. Serena didn't know about the break-up, so asking her advice was out of the question as well. Finally, she just replied, "I needed you to help with my dress and you're late." Her groan over how lame that excuse was died silently in her throat.

Serena looked at the clock on the wall before replying, "It's only fifteen minutes, B… calm down. It's your seventeenth birthday party! You have the right to be fashionably late."

Gently stepping into her black Valentino dress, Blair slipped the straps over her shoulders. Serena was at her back to zip the dress before Blair could start speaking. "You know how I feel about punctuality, S. Besides, I wanted to see how this would look on me. What do you think?" Eyeing her friend, she waited impatiently for the praise that would come; she really needed a lift after the day she'd had.

"Come on, Blair… you know how fabulous you look in black couture! Something seems missing, though…" Serena scratched her head, unwittingly mussing up her hair which somehow only looked better for it. "I think it needs the right necklace. What were you thinking of wearing?"

Blair fought the urge to groan again and forced a smile to her face. "There's no point in putting one _on_…" Her voice sounded excited, but her heart only sank further.

"Now, B, are you getting a necklace? Did you call the jewelry store and spy on your gifts again?" Serena's voice took on a tone of mock disappointment. "You do this every year. The point in getting a gift is being surprised!"

Fighting the urge to roll her eyes, Blair grabbed her clutch purse from the foot of her bed. "No time for lectures, S. We're already running late, so let's get out of here!" The sooner she got this whole thing over with, the better.

Blair exited her bedroom with thoughts of her friend's comment about surprises and how there weren't going to be any for her tonight. She had either planned or approved every aspect of this party down to the last detail. Now her present from Nate was not going to be a shock and the expectation of a continued relationship went with it would be just as predictable.

This was the first year that Blair wished she had heeded Serena's advice to let the night take her by surprise. Maybe if she stopped planning things so meticulously something would go right for a change. Those things had been known to happen.

If she could stop thinking of last night in Chuck's arms as one of those things that had been a welcome surprise, she might just make it through tonight with her heart unscathed.

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**A/N: **Well, there you have it. I hope I did my Chuck justice. :D Please let me know what you thought of the chapter. Love you all!


	4. Underneath

**A/N: **I know this has been a long time coming and for that I apologize. Real Life has been utterly hectic and I did my best to write whenever I could. This is the beginning of the Birthday Party and a scene that I know you're all looking forward to. Obviously, there is CB interaction. :D Oh, and this is kind of long, longer than I would have liked, but I couldn't find a good place to stop until the point that I ended up reaching. Most of the POV is Chuck's but I'll make that up to you next chapter. Hopefully. Enjoy the read and leave me a review if you like.

**Disclaimer: I don't own Blair, Chuck, or Gossip Girl. If I did, Blair would realize that Nate is a whiney baby and Chuck is all the man a girl could ever need.**

**Warnings: T for occasional language and adult themes; may change to M in later chapters.**

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IF ONLY

Chapter 4

"Underneath"

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Stepping off of the elevator, Blair was caught between feigning amusement at whatever joke Serena had just told, which she hadn't been listening to, and searching the room for the two men that occupied her thoughts. The clamor of the party that had been given in her honor surrounded her, yet they hadn't waited for her arrival to begin the festivities.

She plastered her most genuine-looking smile across her face when she encountered Kati and Is; they were more excited about the gathering than she was. Lending a distracted ear to the conversation around her, Blair almost missed her cue to agree when Serena exclaimed how wonderful Kati's brother's apartment was. After doing that small duty, she completely missed the rest of the conversation; she was preoccupied with sweeping the crowd for Chuck or Nate's presence.

When Serena suggested a tour of the apartment, Blair followed along unwillingly to keep up appearances. The only good thing that came of her obedience as Guest of Honor was that, after a tour of the party space, she hadn't seen either Nate or Chuck. All at once she was very relieved, but the feeling only lasted a moment. Her skittishness returned because their absences only meant that she still had to anticipate their arrivals. She had been hoping that they would be anticipating hers, instead.

Mingling with her guests, Blair was doing her best to try and act as if she were having the time of her life. She put on the face of the perfectly happy party girl. It was her seventeenth birthday; she was young, beautiful… and alone. Even though Nate had suggested they get back together, she beginning to believe that she would actually turn him down. Her immediate reaction to the break up had been relief and that was not an emotion that signified a love that had been severed unjustly.

If only Nate would show up so that she could get the whole undesirable ordeal over with. Then, maybe, Blair could actually admit the truth to herself: that Nate was the last person on her heart.

After sitting down with Serena to fresh sushi, prepared by the chef that was hired for this evening's soiree, Blair's friend inquired, "Hey, so, where's Nate?"

Dreading having to lie to her best friend, yet again, she said flippantly, "Um, I'm sure he'll be here soon…" Trying to change the subject, she added, "What about Dan? You better check in on him… make sure the best friend hasn't whisked him away for some friendly activities." Blair had, grudgingly, become an expert on that type of situation by now.

The rant from Serena that followed Blair's accusation, that her friend's boyfriend could be anything other than loyal, was lost to the brunette's ears. Glad that her effort to change the subject had achieved the desired affect, she concentrated on choosing a morsel from the tray in front of her.

She found her elation to have been premature, however, when the blond, yet again, mentioned Blair's ex-boyfriend's name. "Well, anyway, I hope everything's alright with Nate!" Rolling her eyes at her friend's persistence, Blair was just about to take a delicate bite of sushi, when Serena exclaimed, "Oh, there's Chuck! I bet he knows where Nate is!"

Doing her best not to drop the chopsticks holding her now unappetizing piece of sushi, Blair gracefully placed the utensils back on the platter. Passing off another excuse, saying that she was just going to go look for Nate, Blair left her stool and started to walk away from Serena before the blond could stop her.

Strolling as slow as she dared, in the opposite direction of the elevator that Chuck had just stepped out of, Blair quickly looked over her shoulder and accidentally caught his eye. The expression on his face attempted to steal and succeeded in causing her to pause her escape for a moment. The combination of emotions his face bore weren't any of those that Chuck was thought capable of, yet Blair found the sight engrossing. He looked shocked at her presence, even though he knew she would be at her own party; confused, as if she had worn an outfit of thrift store couture; and completely enraptured by her every move.

Shrugging off the heat his gaze brought to her cheeks as best she could, she made her way as far across the apartment as she could get from him.

* * *

From the second that he left the protection of his limo to the moment the elevator doors opened, Chuck had told himself that he needed to remain aloof. Don't show her your hand. Surprise was the only way for him to keep Blair on her toes and not let her know how much he was hurting over their exchange that morning. He was in a whole new place when it came to those things called feelings and it wasn't something that she needed to be privy to just yet. Especially if she didn't give a shit about what had happened between them and led to his subsequent emotional upset.

After the doors opened with a swish and a ding, he stepped out and found his eyes immediately drawn to Blair's delicate form. Her soft, brunette locks were gathered up to bare her shoulders, making him long to feel the strands run through his fingertips as they had done only hours ago.

Coming to the party was definitely one on a long list of stupid decisions that he'd made today.

When his gaze drifted to see Serena's stare resting on him, he watched as her lips formed his name. Apparently this was cause for Blair to spring from her seat as if she couldn't get out of the room fast enough. As she began to walk away from him, he caught her eye for a mere second and all thoughts of remaining indifferent went out the proverbial window. When she met his gaping eyes, an emotion completely anti-Blair flitted across her face: remorse. He didn't know what she read on his face, but somehow she must've known that she'd put it there.

Before he could even call out her name, she turned around and practically sprinted away from him.

Serena, however, was still calling his name. It was only when she grabbed his arm that he was finally shaken out of the reverie caused by his visual brush with Blair. "Chuck!"

Resisting the urge to shake his head to clear it, he tried to infuse a sufficient amount of slime into his tone. "Hello, S. Flying solo tonight?" A smirk flitted across his lips, but only because he'd the conscious thought to do so. He really didn't have it in him to be genuinely inappropriate tonight.

The blonde ignored the attempt anyway. "No, Dan just hasn't gotten here yet." Her eyes swept the room quickly before meeting Chuck's. "Anyways, we're all worried about Nate and are wondering…do you know where he is?"

"We?" The question sprang from his throat before he could stop it.

Her eyes narrowed, as if she had grown a brain cell that would notice something was off with him tonight. "Me and Blair," she said slowly, like he should have known the answer.

It took an enormous amount of restraint to keep from blowing up in her face. Chuck wanted to scream into her hollow head that he was the last person who should be asked that question. He was doing his utmost to avoid Nate; there was no way he'd know where he was. "I'm afraid I am unaware of his plans for tonight, Serena. My plans on the other hand are to find the nearest bottle of scotch, so if you could point me in the direction..." As his voice dropped off suggestively, Serena's eyes rolled back into her head and she pointed half-heartedly behind her.

Luckily it was the same direction that Blair had taken off in.

As he crossed the apartment searching for her, he felt a glimmer of hope rise in his chest at the knowledge that Nate wasn't there. Then his heart sank as soon as he remembered that she had obviously been expecting him. Had the little heart to heart he'd with his best friend that morning sunk in? Could Nate have come to his senses and decided that it was over with Blair for good?

He tried to wipe the questions from his mind; a clear head was essential to escaping this particular confrontation with his heart unscathed.

As soon as he set foot out onto the terrace, he found her with her stomach leaning against the railing; as if admiring the view was more important than preserving her, no doubt expensive, Valentino party dress. The normally staggering splendor of New York City at night, with the Verrazzano Bridge glittering brilliantly in the background, paled in comparison to her beauty. Chuck thought it impossible for one to overlook her when she entered a room and absolutely preposterous that she was considered the plainer visage when next to Serena.

As he told himself to stop waxing poetic about her appearance, he took large, silent, strides across the space until he was an inch behind her. When he placed his hands on her hips and his lips to her ear, he whispered seductively, "Are you ready for your present?"

Blair had begun to relax into his embrace until he'd spoken. After she realized who was holding her, she turned around and locked her eyes to his, disapproval plain on her face. "What part of me walking in the opposite direction of you could have possibly been misinterpreted as 'come find me' instead of the intended 'leave me the hell alone?'"

So that was the way she wanted this to go; if she was going the bitch route, then he would play the part of the scoundrel. Fixing her with a cool stare and infusing as little emotion as possible into his voice, he scoffed condescendingly, "Blair, while you are fully aware that I'm a man of many talents in regards to the female body, reading a woman's mind is not an area I claim to be expert in."

Suddenly, she grabbed the hair on the top of his head and pulled his neck so that it stretched out over the railing, giving him a great view of the street below. As she proclaimed, "You're heinous," her tone wasn't as biting as she was obviously hoping it would be. She had just, unwittingly, betrayed how vulnerable she was. It was almost as if she didn't really want to fight with him.

Before either of them could speak, a random party guest walked by and shouted, "Happy Birthday, Blair!"

After she released the death grip on his head, Chuck watched, amused, as Blair formed the fakest smile on her face and replied, "Hi! Happy Birthday to me!" Once they were alone again, the imposter grin melted from her mouth and she fixed him with a glare that made him feel like the gum on the bottom of her designer heels.

"Okay, so I may be heinous," he sniggered, "But everything that you do is fake. So I guess that makes you a knock-off." Again, no matter how hard he tried, the smirk that would have normally accompanied a biting insult wouldn't rise to his lips.

Her eyes moved from his face to the scenery, her expression belaying the injury his words had caused. It was as if she couldn't bear to look at him.

When she spoke it was so soft that he had to rest his elbows on the railing and lean in to watch the profile of her face in order to read her lips. "Is this what we are now?" She sounded resigned and cheerless as she continued to speak, "Even our bantering is skewed and broken. Has everything really changed so much?" She turned, putting her back against the railing and met his eyes, waiting for his answer. The isolated expression on her face filled him with a longing to fix whatever had shattered between them.

"Listen, Blair... this morning..." He had barely vocalized the stuttering thought when she shot a glare so hateful at him that he could swear to feel a burn on his skin.

"This morning you acted like a jealous boyfriend!" Her face had morphed from desolate to irritated, turning the empathy he'd been feeling into a dread of where this conversation could lead.

Still, he was Chuck Bass, so he attempted to keep up the quickly fading appearance of indifference by scoffing half heartedly before replying, "You wish."

As he turned his eyes from her face to study where his shoes met the ground, he saw an incredulous look come over her face causing her jaw to drop in an extremely unladylike fashion. "No... _You_ wish."

He scoffed again, like it would make him sound more unconcerned and sway her from the conclusions that were surely forming in her head. "Whatever. You forget who you're talking to, Waldorf." He still thought it best not to meet her eyes, so he kept staring down, hoping she would drop the subject. This wasn't the way he wanted her to find out that Chuck Bass actually possessed a heart, let alone that it was currently beating for her.

But she just couldn't leave it. "No, you forget who _you're_ talking to, Bass." Her tone became unsure, as if she feared he would run. "Do you... like me?"

As the question hung in the air between them, Chuck felt powerless, unable to avoid her query and completely sure that he didn't want to answer. It wasn't that the words were elusive, just that his would surely send her dashing for the nearest exit.

Keeping his eyes affixed to a point over her right shoulder, he stuttered for the second time that day. "D-define like." Knowing he looked probably looked pathetic and guilty, he couldn't bring his eyes to her face for her reaction.

As the uncomfortable silence stretched, he wished that he could take the words back; she'd ultimately ripped the truth from him and now he was subject to the consequences of his weakness for her. The wait was hell.

Finally, she stated the obvious. "This can't be happening, Chuck!"

The ridiculous thought that she could wish it away clipped the power cord to his restraint. "How do you think _I_ feel," He snapped. "I can't concentrate on anything, I haven't eaten, and it feels like there's something in my stomach... fluttering."

She made a choked sound, causing him to look at her face for the first time since he'd made his uncharacteristic confession. The astounded tone to her voice and her features made him wish for a hole to crawl into. "Bu-butterflies?" She spluttered the word. "No... This isn't possible... it's not... possible." The offending butterflies were crushed under the weight of her reaction and he couldn't put forth the effort to prevent his face mirroring the pain. "Chuck, I... I didn't mean..."

As she struggled to get a coherent sentence out, he slowly started to feel the apathy he had longed for all night wash over him; _now,_ he couldn't care less. "Fine. Forget I was even here."

"Chuck... I, I'm just... you have to give me a second... this..."

He steeled his resolve by taking a deep breath and got right in her face, using his most condescending tone, "It wasn't that good anyway."

As he turned around and made his retreat, he heard a soft word, "Thanks," as he crossed through the door.

Having stormed away from the scene of his confession, Chuck had stoically stalked the strange apartment until he found an empty, dark bedroom to brood in. Once inside, he closed and locked the door before sinking down against it to sit on the floor. He had the most intense urge to bang his head into the door in disgust at how quickly he had fallen apart. Blair had asked him a single, simple question, yet he had folded under the weight of it and revealed his losing hand. He'd been at her mercy and she'd rebuffed him. Chuck had never felt so humiliated in his life.

And yet, he was still fighting the urge to go to her; to try to make things right.

After sitting in the dark with his thoughts for countless minutes, he'd had time to cool down and reflect on her reaction. Maybe she wasn't completely disgusted by his feelings... just surprised. He shook his head to clear it of that ridiculous idea, but it refused to stop clouding his mind. Once again, he was feeling the inexplicable urge to apologize for his actions, and this time the motivation was probably valid.

Chuck Bass had made fool out of himself and amplified the indignity by cowering in a dark room because of it.

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A/N:

Okay, I'm not completely happy with it, but it'll have to do. Your opinion matters to me, so what did you think? 


	5. Wake Up

**A/N: **Thanks to everyone who reviewed the last chapter, if I didn't respond to your review, I apologize. It's a little difficult for me to keep track of who I responded to and who I didn't. I get my review alerts on my Blackberry then I have to go to my mailbox later to reply, so sometimes I miss someone. We're still in "Seventeen Candles," and we're slowly working our way toward the end of the episode. I still haven't decided how I'm going to deal with the Thanksgiving episode, whether I'm going to re-write it or not, so pray that inspiration strikes soon. :D This is a Blair-centric chapter, but I felt hers was the character that really needed the most evolution in this episode, so she's my concentration in this scene. I hope you all like the little changes I've made to this part of the episode.

Disclaimer: I don't own Blair, Chuck, or Gossip Girl. If I did, Blair would realize that Nate is a whiney baby and Chuck is all the man a girl could ever need.

**Warnings: T for occasional language and adult themes; may change to M in later chapters.**

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IF ONLY

Chapter 5

"Wake Up"

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It was absolutely uncanny; only he was able to astound and fascinate her simultaneously. Blair stood on the silent balcony, staring at the doorway through which Chuck had made his exit, and her feet were itching to follow him. To demand an explanation for his behavior. To curse him for the curious way her heart had skipped when she realized what he'd been trying _not_ to tell her.

When she finally found the ability, she turned to stare out at the lights of the city, which were twinkling mockingly at her. As she leaned against the railing, she wondered how she had dismissed the possibility that last night had meant something to him. Running the events of the last twenty-four hours through her head in retrospect, it should have been obvious.

Now she had a dear friend, a lover, that she'd hurt deeply and a confusion festering in her mind. Frustration at this turn of events caused her to start walking the floor, trying to think of what she could do about the situation that she now found herself in.

As she often did when she could find no answer to a problem she was faced with, Blair allowed scenes from her favorite Audrey Hepburn movies to scroll through her mind's eye. Most of the time, the images had a calming effect that help to clear her head, and, quite often, she found a solution to her problem in one of the classic stories.

When a scene from My Fair Lady flashed through her head, she froze the image, remembering the story of a hard-headed woman who depended on the twisted friendship of a confirmed bachelor, one who regarded women as frivolous and disposable creatures. The resemblance to her own strange relationship with Chuck struck her hard and she couldn't help but remember how the characters of Eliza and Henry eventually found that they loved and needed each other.

Two of the most unlikely people had been soul-mates.

Trying to knock the thought out of her head, she realized that it must be getting late, so she stopped where her pacing had taken her and pulled out her phone to check the time. Upon seeing "11:25 p.m." glaring from the digital display, she had to stifle a gasp. The evening had gotten so late without her noticing… and without Nate bothering to show up. When that thought didn't destroy her, didn't cause a single tear to well up in her throat, she knew: she and Nate were over for good this time.

Just as she was about to breath a sigh of relief, she felt a pair of eyes on her, causing the tiny hairs on her arms to stand on end. Staring at the wall in front of her, she lingered, anticipating the person's approach, trying to keep the nervous beating of her heart down to a dull roar. Her body's reaction to the presence behind her gave her a clue as to the identity of her companion, so she kept her position and waited to see where this conversation would go.

It seemed like forever before she felt the heat radiating off of his body in contrast to the cool night air, and even longer before Chuck spoke quietly, without any of his normal guile. "What are you still doing out her all alone?"

The words were almost tender, a verbal caress that caused a shiver to race down her spine. She allowed herself a silent cheer of joy that he wasn't putting on his act, speaking as if their most recent conversation never happened. It felt as if he'd called a truce; he wouldn't deny it if she didn't.

Unfortunately, Blair turned to him, cell phone in hand, and said the first thing that popped into her head. "Nate didn't showed up, but he _always_ calls at midnight when it turns into my birthday."

When she saw how taken aback he'd been at the thoughts supposedly occupying her mind, she instantly regretted her words. His response came out dull and lifeless, as if the emotions he bared earlier had been drained from his body. "Well. I wouldn't count on it tonight." The bitterness displayed on his face told her the unspoken truce between them was officially off, less than five minutes after its conception.

Even with the curious vulnerability he was displaying tonight, something about the words caused suspicion to rise in her mind. "What do you mean by that?"

He seemed to be thinking hard about what he was about to say, as if Chuck knew it wasn't something she should hear. "Doesn't it strike you as an odd coincidence?" His hands were shoved into his pockets and his eyes found the floor as he spoke. "Nate deciding that he wants to get back together moments after your mom puts the brakes on her business deal with the Captain?"

A dull ache began to spread through her chest, as if someone had cut her severely, somewhere deep inside the cavity. "What are you saying, Bass? That Nate's only been _pretending_ to like me? That he's been using _me_ to get to my _mom?_"

His eyebrows rose on his forehead and he had the gall to look innocent. "Convenient timing. That's all I'm saying." The knife twisted in her unseen wound and suddenly she knew that this wasn't supposition; even her heart was certain of the accuracy of his words. The innocence on his face was a mask for the pain he knew he was causing her.

"I think you know more than you're saying." Taking a deep breath, she sighed as she expelled the pain she was feeling through her gaze, opening her emotions to him. "I know it may be difficult for someone like you to accomplish, but I want you to tell me the truth, Chuck." She fixed him with a no-nonsense glare, an unuttered threat laced through her words, "All of it."

For a moment, Chuck looked as if he was going to deny her the information, then his posture changed from guarded to slumped with a sigh. "The singular reason I'm aware of this _fact _is because he told me." A half-hearted shrug barely raised his shoulders as he continued, "This morning he showed up at my suite, asking my advice. His mother wanted him to restart the _epic saga _that was your relationship. For him to give you her Vanderbilt ring as a birthday present to ensure some twisted type of loyalty."

A surprised gasp escaped her lips at mention of the ring and she shook her head in dismay at this development. "He wouldn't do that."

"He obviously hasn't _yet,_ but, yes, he most certainly would." An expression of disgust at his friend's lack of backbone crossed his face. "If it was for his family, you _know_ he would do anything… even manipulate you."

The quiet amazement at this revelation was written upon her face, but Blair's voice was stoically strong. "Are you _sure _about the ring?"

A wall of stone was erected in front of whatever emotion should have been in his eyes. "I saw the box. He'd been carrying it around in his pocked all morning, apparently trying to work up the courage to do the deed. To deceive your innate trust in his _honorable _intentions." There was a slight flicker of emotion on his face, so fast that Blair didn't catch it, and then he turned his eyes back out to the night sky.

The betrayal of her ex-boyfriend, someone whom she'd known and loved for years, should have struck a fatal blow. Her pain from just a few moments before should be staggering. Her heart should be shattering into a million tiny pieces…

But, again, all she could feel was relief; the liberation from a cell that she hadn't known she'd occupied.

Her companion's silence was starting to worry her; Chuck should be rejoicing in revealing the trickery of his only rival for her affection. The back of his head couldn't tell her anything but that he didn't want her to see the look on his face.

With a note of confidence in her voice, she spoke the words that she knew would cause him to look in her direction again. "It's a good thing I wasn't going to get back together with him tonight, huh?"

The speed with which his head turned would have been undignified on any other man. "What?" Chuck's face was the definition of shocked beyond all belief. "But, I thought…"

"That I was weak? That I would just go running back to him like I do _every time?_" The mirthless laugh that came from her mouth left no doubt as to her opinion of that assessment. "I'll tell you that I considered it." Shaking her head, she laid a hand on his arm, which rested on the railing, and the muscle beneath her hand tensed. "I spent the day trying to think of a single reason why I should, but I couldn't find _one._" Now giggle was cheered, finding how much she had changed and his subsequent reaction absolutely amusing. He looked like a deer caught in the headlights of a semi-truck. "You're surprised?"

"Astounded, actually," although his words sounded anything but. Chuck slowly pulled his arm out from under her hand, causing her to lift it, and continued on in his normal air of apathy, "It was only moments ago that you still planned to hear from him at midnight."

Recognizing the barriers erected in his gaze as a protection she herself used, her understanding of his internal thought process was immediate: Chuck Bass was thinking of his place in all of this. He had become a spurned lover, and neither his best friend's feelings, nor hers came above his own; his skepticism was guarding his own heart.

"I was only expecting him at the party because I was eager to get the unpleasant task of breaking up with him over with as soon as possible." She attempted a nostalgic smile, "And I was only waiting for the call of a friend to wish me a Happy Birthday." With a shrug, she looked back out on the city lights, "I still am."

Chuck's words came through the night air, cool and confident, "And I still don't think he'll call."

Blair turned to face him, he had walked to her right side, and her eyes met his. "I don't see why he wouldn't." Her security in her position was fused with her words, "Especially if he thinks he still has a chance with me."

A glint of mischief lit his determined eyes, "Care to make a wager?" For the first time that night, the hint of a smirk lifted his lips, "If he calls, I'll leave you alone forever… if he doesn't, you spend the night with me."

She met his smirk with one of her own. "I don't think so, Bass…" Shaking her head with mock regret, she raised her eyebrows in challenge, "You're gonna lose."

A predatory gleam brightened his eyes, "Oh, I know I'll lose." Before she could show her confusion at his words, he continued, "Because _either_ way, _you_ win."

As he walked away, chuckling at his own idea of a joke, Blair did nothing to contest his departure; there was no reason to reply. But, when she turned her eyes back to her phone, she found herself silently willing it _not_ to ring.

* * *

**A/N: **Well, there it is, the second most anticipated conversation of episode 108. How long will it take me to get to the third? There's no telling, but I _can_ tell you that reviews inspire me.


	6. We All Know

**A/N: **The only thing I wish to address about this chapter is one change that I made to a portion of it that is kind of major. You'll definitely notice it, especially if you've watched this episode a bazillion times, like I have. :lol: I just hope that ya'll can accept the change and understand why I did it: I'm trying to build a firm foundation for our couple, one that won't easily crumble. I think you'll see how things come together once I get the next chapter written. Another thing, I've now decided that dialogue from _any episode _is fair game. If you recognize a line from a later episode that I've used in this one, it won't be used again; this means that I loved the line, just thought it went better in my context. :lol: Oh, and please don't hate me for where I ended this chapter; I was having great difficulty finding an end note. Enjoy!

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Blair, Chuck, or Gossip Girl. If I did, Blair would realize that Nate is a whiney baby and Chuck is all the man a girl could ever need.

**Warnings: T for occasional language and adult themes; may change to M in later chapters.**

* * *

IF ONLY

Chapter 6

"We All Know"

* * *

His smug departure from just moments before had vanished beneath the crushing weight of embarrassment that Chuck now felt. It was completely irrational, the way that he couldn't seem hold his tongue in her presence; Blair had a peculiar hold over him that caused him to lose all sense of secrecy. He'd spilled like an overflowing cup when she asked him to tell the truth. The fact that she'd implicitly believed the secret he revealed about Nate's intentions had bowled him over, loosening his normally tight hold on his thoughts. It appeared as if she actually trusted him; his nervous rambling proved he didn't know how to handle that kind of responsibility.

Chuck's retreat from the balcony had found him beating a path to the bar and downing three glasses of the scotch that Serena had directed him to earlier. The liquid burned his throat on the way down and relaxed his pounding heart, but did little to ease his discomfort at how out of control this evening had gotten. His brow was actually covered with sweat from his formerly racing pulse, so he made his way to the bathroom.

After splashing his face with water and toweling it dry, Chuck stared at his face in the mirror. Normally he was quite pleased with what he saw in the glass; the chiseled jaw-line, dark hair, and deceivingly bright brown eyes fit the image of evil that he portrayed on a daily basis quite well. But, at this moment, there was something different about his reflection and his inability to put a name to it was causing his skin to crawl.

His features were the same as they had been every other morning this week, but his unguarded face still looked foreign to his own eyes. Therein was the change, he decided. His eyes were wide and unquestioning, causing the rest of his face to look more open.

The resulting expression was the epitome of vulnerable and trustworthy.

With a sigh, Chuck lowered himself to sit on the closed toilet seat, shaking his head at what had just become fact in his mind: it was no longer hard to believe how or why Blair trusted him. His face betrayed everything thought that ran through his mind. It was like he was no longer capable of the deception that he'd hidden behind for so long. When it came to all things Blair, it seemed to be the case, anyway.

It wasn't a wonder why Blair had placed her trust in him; he would've believed himself, too.

* * *

Blair had remained on the terrace for about five minutes more than Chuck had, watching the headlights speeding down the Verazzano Bridge sparkle and considering how she wanted the break-up with Nate to play out. If he called, there was no question; she would tell him right then that she was no longer his. But if Chuck was correct to assume that Nate wouldn't call, she wasn't sure what she would do. Should she call him? Ask to meet him tomorrow? Or would a simple text message be the best course of action?

When she did enter the apartment, she took a seat at the bar and set her phone on the counter. Waving the bar tender away when he offered her a drink, she realized that she really didn't need the relaxing sensation the liquid would provide. She would be okay, eventually. It's not like letting go of her life with Nate would be particularly easy, but the loneliness had yet to sink in. Especially with the Chuck situation dominating her mind.

Almost as if Chuck could hear her thoughts, there were soft words spoken close to her ear, "12:01… I'm sorry." He had impeccable timing as usual, but she wasn't startled. There was no way that he could know she had just been thinking about him and his place in this whole mess.

Keeping her eyes from meeting his, she sighed and refused to believe it sounded defeated. "If you're coming to collect you can forget it." Her decision about Nate was still weighing on her mind, and Chuck's presence was only serving to distract her. He wasn't making it easy to concentrate on how to break-up with Nate by showing up wherever she turned. It was beginning to annoy her, yet a part of her couldn't deny how sweet he'd been since his blow-up at her earlier.

Wait… since when had she started to think anything Chuck Bass did was sweet?

While she was staring at a bottle on the other side of the bar, she felt hands gently touch her sheer-covered shoulders. "Turn around." Again, his voice was entirely too close for comfort, and the fingers massaging her skin were only serving to make her nervous. What if someone saw? As far as everyone else knew, she was still with Nate, and if someone noticed Chuck comforting her, they would know that something was up. Chuck's behavior had been abnormal all night and she couldn't risk someone reading into it, even if the conclusion they would come to was correct. She had to do her best to get him to back off, at least for the moment.

Whipping her head back to look at him, she spoke through clenched teeth; "You get grosser by the second." Maybe if she acted bitchy he would get the hint.

Her irritation at him was soothed slightly by the look on his face and the sound of his voice as he sighed, "You get older. Look." Turning her head to follow where his finger pointed, she turned just in time to see Serena set an elaborate cake down on the counter next to her.

Serena was extremely excited and her voice bubbled with glee, "Happy Birthday, B!" Clapping her hands, she gestured toward the candles on the cake, "Make a wish!"

Blair would have to contemplate why she was developing a soft spot for a certain Bass later; right now she had to act her part flawlessly. Taking a moment to build the suspense, she breathed deeply and extinguished all eight of the candles at once. Applause broke out and she smiled, doing her best to avoid searching out the look on Chuck's face.

When the surrounding partygoers burst into the traditional Happy Birthday tune, Blair felt Serena's arms surround her in a happy hug. "What did you wish for?"

Panicking at her friend's question, Blair broke free of the embrace and began to walk away. Just as she prepared herself to change the subject, every phone in the room went off, including the one in her hand. Stopping her hasty retreat, she opened the device to see a snapshot of her ex-boyfriend in the arms of a blond, whose face was hidden. Now she was kind of wishing she had that drink.

As she waited for everyone else to get the news, she heard gasps and exclamations, but all she could feel was numb. The other shoe had dropped and now everyone would know.

Serena came around her and looked into her eyes, a nervous look on her face and a tremor in her voice. "I'm so sorry; I never thought this would happen. Maybe she's wrong? It wouldn't be the first time."

All of a sudden, Is burst out with, "I hope the slut gave him herpes!"

Kati's equally as helpful response was, "Cheater totally deserves herpes!"

The only thing that Blair could say was, "He's not cheating." Her own voice sounded foreign to her ears, unfeeling and numb, "We broke up last night." She threw her hands up in the air, "I ended it; it's over." Standing stock still, in the middle of a room filled with people who judged her on a daily basis, she tried to explain why. "He was trying to get back together with me, but only so that my mom would help his dad."

With those final, babbling words, spoken more for her own heart than the crowd, she turned and calmly stalked toward the hallway, ignoring Serena's cries for her to stop and the look of contrition on Chuck's face.

When Blair reached one of the open bedrooms, she tried to close the door, but a hand halted the slab of wood. "Blair!" Serena looked frantic, "You can talk to me!"

The emotion that has previously eluded her, sadness, now welled up in Blair's throat, bringing tears to her eyes. "We ended it," she sighed, "I wanted to tell you, but I thought it if I didn't say anything that it would just go away." Her composure was hanging by a thread, but her voice stayed steady. "I only decided an hour ago that I wasn't going to take him back and now this happens?" She shook her head, causing a teardrop to trail down her cheek, "I hadn't even told him yet and he's already with another girl." A wan smile spread her lips thinly, "I guess I made the right decision."

"I'm so sorry, B," whispered Serena, as she enveloped her friend in a hug.

The comfort of the embrace helped to steel Blair's resolve, at least enough to give Serena one final piece of information. "It was my birthday wish that I would find a way to break-up with him…" She pulled away to give her friend a brave smile, "I guess this was my answer."

Before Serena could comment, Blair blurted out, "I think I need to get out of here."

When she pushed past the blonde, Serena called, "I'll go with you!"

"No, I just wanna be alone right now, S," was Blair's dismissal. "I'll call you later." With a cold smile, she began her departure from the perfect birthday party and did her best to ignore the stares that followed her all the way to the elevator.

* * *

The cigarette smoke burning his lungs had a strange clarifying effect on Chuck's racing thoughts. When Blair had retreated to, presumably, cry on Serena's shoulders about the break-up, he decided that he needed some fresh air. Now he was leaning against an outside wall of the apartment building, trying to process her reaction to Nate's betrayal.

Watching such a strong spirit break was neither a usual occurrence nor an easy thing to do, but never before had he wanted to comfort someone so badly. He had the strongest urge to grab her gift, which he had left in the limo until the right moment presented itself, and take it up to her. It would offer his sympathy and prove where his allegiances lay all at once.

Besides, it may just bring a smile to the sad eyes and downfallen face that she'd left the room with.

Her reaction had startled him, to say the least, and his confusion at this turn of events was tangible. On one hand, he was extremely proud of Nate for not giving into his parents for the millionth time in his life, but, on the other, he wished that Nate hadn't broken Blair's heart in the process. She'd put on such a strong, "over it," attitude earlier on in the evening, but broke down when the message appeared for everyone to see. The public proclamation must have caused the end of her relationship to become real to her at that moment, robbing her of her strength.

She looked broken and all Chuck wanted to do was find Nate to make him fix her.

Trying not to think about how much that urge conflicted with his personal interests regarding the Blair issue, he was startled when the object of his reluctant affection burst through the doors of the building into the night. For a moment, he took in her determined appearance and the way her gaze traveled up and down the street; she seemed to be looking for something.

Pushing the hope that he was that something she sought from his mind, he shouted, "Blair!"

She glanced back at the sound of his voice, and when he threw down the used cigarette butt to grind it into the ground with his toe, she scoffed, "Don't stop on my account."

The stance she held herself in was guarded, but she didn't run when he began to walk slowly toward her. "Blair," he reached out and ran his fingers down her arm as he breathed, "I'm sorry about what he did."

Again, she scoffed at his actions, "No, you're smarmy… There's a difference, Chuck." Turning from him, she began to walk away.

His arm slowly dropped to his side as he called her name, yet again, this time through gritted teeth. "Blair," he threw his arms in the air as the exasperation overtook him, "Where are you going?"

Though his actions weren't dignified, he was rewarded with a sarcastic chuckle. "I'm trying to find a cab so that I can get the hell out of here," she rambled. "There's no one I want to be around right now… I want to go home and crawl under the covers until this all blows over."

"Queen B, running from a scandal." He made a tsking sound with his tongue, "Who would have thought it possible?" Her expression was one of disbelief when he gestured to his limo, waiting silently in the shadows of the building, "You're chariot… or should I say getaway car, awaits, milady."

Blair's expression was one of disbelief as she shook her head, at his offer. "No. I'm not getting into that thing with you." Her hands found her hips as she stood her ground. "Rides in _that_ limo _always _come with strings attached."

His first inclination was to laugh at her words; they were true, mostly. "In this case, I'm willing to make an exception." What he wanted most right now was her, safe in side his car and not waiting for a cab that would probably never show up. "Tonight _is_ a special occasion."

"My birthday?" This time, her laugh was cynical. "This is pretty much the worst birthday, _ever_."

Thinking of her gift sitting on the seat just inside the limo door, he smirked, "Maybe it can be salvaged."

Her eyes rolled, "I'm not in the mood right now, Chuck."

This time his eyes were the ones rolling. It was as if she thought he would try anything when she so obviously wasn't interested right now; he knew that his reputation suggested he would, but she wasn't some disposable chick. One of his hands gripped the door handle, while the other indicated the entryway that was revealed once the door was open. "Get your mind _out_ of the gutter and _get in_ the car, Waldorf."

She stood there, her eyes glued to the hand waiting to help her into the car and he sighed. There was no way he would back down from this, so he was left to wait for her to give in; this could be a long night.

* * *

**A/N: **:ducks: Don't hate me! I had to leave things there! It was necessary in order to make things flow the way they do in my head. A lot of you will think that you know where next chapter is heading, but I have two ideas in mind that may surprise you. Leave me a review to tell me what you thought of the change I made. :D


	7. Deeper

**A/N: **You guys, I'm so sorry… this is my longest chapter yet. :lol: My characters decided that they had some things to take care of, so I just held on and let them take me for the ride. I hope you guys like where it goes. One other thing, I was writing in one POV and accidentally switched. I would have just re-written it, but it was, like, five hundred words worth of mistake and I really liked it. So, I hope you forgive me for the lack of Chuck POV this time around… Blair had a lot to say.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Blair, Chuck, or Gossip Girl. If I did, Blair would realize that Nate is a whiney baby and Chuck is all the man a girl could ever need.

**Warnings: T for occasional language and adult themes; may change to M in later chapters.**

* * *

IF ONLY

Chapter 7

"Deeper"

* * *

Standing there, staring at Chuck's hand, Blair felt like she was frozen in a surreal version of her life.

"You're being unreasonable, Blair," the exasperation was evident in his voice, "I _won't_ bite." No, she wasn't being unreasonable; she was having a severe case of the Déjà vu's. Here she was, dressed to the nines, with a rejection from Nate, an open limo door, and Chuck there to pick up the pieces.

Again.

Except, this time, there wasn't a doubt in her mind that if she got into that car with him, she would end up seeking solace in his arms. It was all so familiar and, what was the old saying? Once bitten, twice shy?

He could say all he wanted that he wouldn't pressure her, but she knew what would happen… it was herself she didn't trust at this point.

Then again, this night and the night before weren't any different from the others in her life; whenever Nate disappointed her, she always turned to his best friend for comfort and explanation. This became an even more regular occurrence when Serena had disappeared without a word. Her emotional security depended so much on Chuck's help these days.

Even if Nate was nowhere to be found, his best friend knew how to heal her wounds, whether it be with a flattering, albeit lewd, comment or a plan for some deserving soul's social destruction. Chuck had become the rock that she leaned on in times of crises and last night had been the climax of their distorted relationship; the one event that started the rest of her life, like a rock dropping into a pond, leaving ripples in its wake.

Where she went from here, whether into Chuck's arms or running back to Nate, everything stemmed from her actions last night; the wheels were already turning.

The fact was that Chuck had always been there to bolster her spirits through friendship. He may be notorious for changing women at least as often as he changes his underwear, but to Blair he'd always been a supporter who never disappointed; the only steadfast in her ever-changing world. So, with a clear mind, and a nervous heart, she took his hand to step into the limo.

His lips formed a half smile, half smirk. "Decided to trust me and come to your senses?"

She rolled her eyes at him and slid as far away from him down the seat as she could, while he climbed in after her and closed the door behind him. There wasn't anyway she was going risk an accidental touch; the chances of her losing control over herself were too many. "It's possible," she said with a haughty tone to her voice, "Although, my instincts have been known to prove naïve and fail me." Her tone was playfully coy, trying to detract attention from her precautions. She couldn't afford to fail at restraining herself and seem like a wanton hussy, being defiled in the back of a moving vehicle _two nights in a row._

He made a quick movement of his own, grabbing something from one of the other seats and tucking it into a compartment before she could see anything but a brief flash of gold. Chuck was staring daggers at her, but it still seemed to come across as a wounded expression. Then he turned to her, his eyes feeling like little heat rays warming her skin as they looked everywhere but her face. "Do you feel like talking, _tonight?_" He raised his eyebrows and finally met her eyes, "I think we both know what _not_ talking about what's bothering you got us last night."

She sighed and angled her body away from him, so that he wouldn't notice the blush he'd caused to color her cheeks. "I didn't want to talk to Serena, so why would I talk to _you,_ Chuck?" Her scoff sounded hollow to her own ears, so it obviously wouldn't have the desired effect on his, but she pushed on. "Besides, there's nothing to talk about."

"Really." A snicker escaped his lips and the breath from it tickled her ear; he'd obviously moved closer to her on the seat when she wasn't looking. "You fled that building like a Valentino-clad bat out of hell because you _weren't _perturbed by something?"

Blair turned to face him, pressing her back as far to the wall of the car as she could. "I just didn't want to be there any longer." He was leaning into her personal space, so she shoved him back, "End of story."

An amused grin painted his lips, but he didn't back off; instead, he reached out to brush a loose lock of hair out of her eyes. "Blair, why won't you admit you were crushed when that text came?" Now, he moved so that his back rested against the seat and, avoiding her questioning look, continued, "Everyone could tell."

"That's just it, Chuck!" She threw her head back into the padded wall, "Now EVERYONE knows that Nate and I broke up. He didn't even know yet and he still stood me up for another girl… _on my birthday_."

"I'm sorry, but Nate is a complete fucking imbecile, sometimes," she felt his hand come to rest on her thigh and she flinched away from his touch, "But he obviously didn't know what he had, B." Her eyes came down from the car ceiling to meet his and he reached for her hand but she pulled it away. "Stop doing that, damn it!"

"Well, then stop trying to feel me up!"

He reached forward and grabbed her shoulders, "I'm not!" Releasing his grip, he softened his voice, "I'm trying to _comfort_ you, Blair."

"You never needed to touch me in order to do that before last night!" She covered her mouth with her hand, realizing that she'd opened the door for the subject she'd been ignoring his hints about since she fled the party.

Chuck didn't waste a second before jumping at the chance to continue this conversation. "You had _no_ problem with me touching you last night," he whispered, his expression intense, like he could strip her skin bare with only his gaze. "And you damn sure were wearing a whole lot less clothing when I did."

"I don't _want_ you touching me, Chuck," she tore her eyes from his and stared at the floor, "Please stop it."

"So prim and proper, Waldorf …" His lips were inches from her ear again, forcing her to fight the shivers caused by his breath ruffling the loose tendrils of her hair, "You're starting to bore me with your innocent _act_."

"Well, it _wasn't _an act until this morning," she huffed, trying to shift away from him, but not succeeding.

"Stop trying to shirk blame for your actions last night; you knew what you were doing when you kissed me." He took her chin into his hand to force her to look into his eyes, "And it was _you_ who kissed _me, _remember? I didn't start this, Blair."

She felt his hand leave her face, but she couldn't tear herself away from his powerful gaze, "Chuck, I…"

"So stop blaming me, Waldorf." She knew if she let him touch her that it would be trouble, and when her heart sped up as he took her left hand in his right, she had her proof. "If you didn't want to start something last night, all you had to do was say no."

Remembering that moment, the one where he honored her over every other girl he'd been with by asking permission, only made her heartbeat dance faster. Taking a big gulp of air that didn't seem to help her pounding chest, she sighed, "What am I going to do with you, Bass?"

Her reaction seemed to cheer him, his frown turning to a smirk at her words, albeit a sarcastic one. "I don't know. All _I've_ been informed of is what we _aren't_ going to be doing."

Blair didn't know whether to slap him or kiss his, but she found herself following the lead of her racing heart. After a second's deliberation, she breathed deeply, leaned forward, and touched her lips to his just as the car slowed to a stop.

* * *

It took Chuck a moment to realize what'd happened and then it was his turn to flinch. "No," he backed away from her, the shocked look on her face only fueling his confusion, "This isn't happening, Blair. I'm not a toy; you can't play with me and then throw me to the side when you lose interest."

Obviously she didn't take rejection well, because he could almost see the heat creep up her neck until steam should be streaming from her ears. "And all those women you've slept with weren't _your _playthings? How do I know that this isn't your way of tossing _me_ aside, huh?" Her delicate fingers had curled into fists that looked like they may be able to do some real damage, but rather than hitting him, she continued to rant, "You disgust me, Bass. You and your double standards taking advantage of me in my naïveté, making me believe I hurt your feelings. And to think I _actually_ felt sorry for you."

He didn't speak another word before reaching for the door handle and she gestured with her hand for him to stop, "Wait." When he did, she sighed, "I don't really want to go home to my empty house… I planned on spending the night at Serena's tonight anyway… besides, I can't leave you here like this."

He indicated the building through his window; "I guess it's a good thing we're at the Palace, then."

* * *

"I don't believe you, Bass," her jaw dropped, "You just assumed that I'd be coming back here with you?" she was seriously re-considering slapping him.

Chuck raised his hands in the air, like he was surrendering, "Don't get your panties in a wad, Waldorf, I didn't have a chance to tell my driver there was a change in destination." After a second of her disbelieving silence, he continued to speak, his tone wry, "I was too busy trying to get a stubborn woman out of the street before some low-life decided they liked her taste in couture."

Even though she was still wary, she shrugged, "Whatever." As she climbed out of the car, avoiding the hand he held out to help her, she continued, "I just want to go up to Serena's and crawl in her bed… pretend this night never happened."

Neither of them spoke another word as they walked into the building. The doorman greeted them, "Good evening, Mr. Bass," but they kept their pace until they reached the elevator. Once inside, Blair walked to the left corner and she glanced to see that Chuck stood in the right after pressing the button for Serena's floor.

There weren't many times that Blair had been able to feel the tension in a room, she was usually to preoccupied with herself to notice, but the air had become thick with silence. Never had there been an elevator ride as uncomfortable as this one; being trapped in an eight by eight car with an irritated Chuck Bass wasn't something you experienced every day. It seemed that she'd been the one lucky enough to bear witness to the loss of his normal, blasé attitude.

She breathed a sigh of relief when the doors opened and she practically ran through them to the untainted air. When she turned the corner to reach the door for Serena's suite, she stopped where she stood. There was her ex, standing outside her best friend's door, like he was waiting for it to open.

Blair realized a few seconds later that she probably gasped when she saw him, because he turned his head and stared at her, or rather a spot over her left shoulder.

"Nathaniel," for some reason, Blair was so glad to hear Chuck's voice. "To what do we owe this pleasure?" She hadn't even realized he'd followed her from the elevator, but now she was relieved she didn't have to face Nate alone until she regained her bearings.

Nate looked thrown for a second, but then he seemed to find his way, "I was coming up to your suite to hang out for the night, but I decided to stop by here and look for Blair first… what're you doing here, man?"

"Funny you should ask, Nathaniel… I gave Blair a ride from her party because her _date_ never showed up." Blair could hear the slight grit to his teeth when he mentioned how she'd been stood up and silently congratulated him on mostly hiding his irritation at his friend. "And I have other plans, so I apologize; you'll have to find somewhere else to crash." Nate didn't seem to notice that Chuck wasn't exactly happy to see him; Chuck had rebuffed him so effortlessly, Blair could barely tell it was a brush-off.

Nate shrugged his shoulders obliviously, "It's cool, man. Do you mind if I talk to Blair alone?"

Blair minded, but she wasn't going to say so to either of them. Turning to Chuck, she managed a wan smile, "Goodnight, Bass."

When all he did was nod, uneasiness settled in the pit of her stomach; his eyes were on Nate the whole time. He turned and walked to the end of the hall, headed for the elevator.

Taking a deep breath, Blair steeled herself for the conversation to come; it wasn't going to be easy. Then her phone vibrated, giving her a moment longer before she had to inform Nate of their break-up. Removing the object from her purse, she flipped it open to see a text.

_U no where I'll B_

Trying not to read too much into what Chuck's motivations could be for texting her, Blair turned a sweetly seething smile at her company. "What _are_ you doing here, Nate?"

"Blair, before you say anything…" his hands were up in the air, as if to block himself from the verbal barbs that she was sure to throw at him, "I can explain."

He seemed to think she _wanted_ an explanation, like he could do anything to make her excuse his extreme faus pas. His face looked contrite and forgivable, but all his expression did was really piss her off. "I don't know why you would want to explain." Throwing an indifferent look on her face, she watched the shock fall over his, "Why would you need to make excuses to your _ex-girlfriend?_"

His face fell, seemingly injured at her words. "What'dyou mean, Blair? We got back together this afternoon and then some things came up with my parents and…"

This time she held a hand out to stop _his_ words before crossing her arms protectively over her chest. "We did _not_ get back together. I said that I would _consider_ it… that we could _talk_ about it tonight… at my party… the _same_ party where you stood me up, without a word and _then_ you didn't even call me at midnight like you _always_ do. And, as if all of that weren't bad _enough_, Gossip Girl sent a picture of you with some blond tramp draped all over you to the _entire_ city, when everyone knew you were supposed to be by _my_ side and obviously _weren't_."

"She was just a friend, Blair. I needed some comfort and didn't want to ruin your birthday." Nate approached her now, placing his hands on her shoulders, "Surely you aren't going to throw away what we have over something as silly as a party and a misunderstanding?"

Pushing aside the thought of how a friend comforted _her_ last night, her tone was no-nonsense as she pulled the rug from under him: _"HAD."_ She sighed, watching her single word wash over his face, "After agonizing over things _all day_ today, I've decided to stand by what I said last night and your absence from my _birthday_ party only proves it: you need to focus on your family right now, Nate. They need you…"

She didn't need to finish her declaration from the previous night; the words _I don't_ hung between them in the air like writing in the sky.

"But, Blair…" His right hand came up to graze the side of her face, taking her chin between his thumb and pointer finger, "I… lo… love you."

Even though it pained her not to repeat the strained sentiment, she resisted. There wasn't any way she was going to keep doing this to her heart; letting it get trampled by this confused boy over and over again just wasn't healthy, even if she did care deeply for him. "If that's true, Nate, then you'll let me have my freedom." Taking his haunted face into her hands, running her fingers along his stubbly cheeks, she whispered, "We aren't good for each other right now. I don't know if we ever will be, but right now… all we do is hurt each other. It's not _you_, it's not _me_… it's us _togethe_r that's the problem. We need to have some time to find out who we are apart." Seeing how crushed he was, the moist sheen over his eyes, she sighed, "I _do_ love you, Nathaniel Archibald… but, right now, that's just not enough."

He nodded slowly in agreement, and Blair wondered at her dry eyes as he pulled her into his arms. After allowing herself to be held as long as she dared, she pulled back and smiled sadly at the boy who'd always been her blond prince. "Goodbye, Nate."

"Goodbye, Blair." With those words, he let his hands trail down her arms, momentarily hanging on to her fingertips before her arms dropped to her sides. Then, Nate turned and walked down the hall, around the corner, and out of her life, leaving her in the corridor completely numb.

* * *

He would have been pacing the floor of his suite nervously, but Chuck Bass isn't supposed to get nervous, so he just sat on a barstool with his head on the counter. In his hands, on his lap, was the golden bag that seemed to be stalking him like an undead character from one of those dreadfully corny zombie movies. His driver had come to the door and handed him the bag that he'd accidentally left in the car.

He was starting to regret ever buying the thing.

Deciding that a glass of scotch would definitely _not_ be uncalled for at this point in time, he hopped down from the stool and walked around the bar, where he tucked the bag into a cupboard. Maybe the store would let him return it in the morning. Although, if the luck he was having tonight was any indication, the clerk would probably laugh in his face if he tried.

After his driver had shown up, startling him and disappointing him in _not_ being Blair, all he could think about was how he shouldn't have sent that text. She and Nate were probably making up this very moment. Sure, she swore that there was no going back to him, but Chuck knew how things worked. The Blair Waldorf's of the world _always_ went back to the Nathaniel Archibald's and they left their lascivious trysts with the Chuck Bass's to be buried by their societal good deeds.

All he'd achieved by offering her support was to leave himself open for yet another lesson in heartbreak; Blair excelled in teach the subject.

His scotch in hand, he toasted the empty room, "To my misplaced intelligence… may it never abandon me again." It was after he threw back the bitter liquid that the knock on his door came.

Placing the glass on the bar surface, he sauntered over to the entrance of his room, wondering who the fuck it could be. When he looked through the peephole and saw the chestnut curls, escaping from her hairclip one by one, he took a deep breath to calm those nonexistent nerves.

Opening the door, he briefly noticed how calm she seemed, serene almost. Schooling his features with a look of boredom, he drawled, "What is it now, Waldorf?"

It seemed that all it took to make her calm façade crumble was the sound of his voice. "Chuck," she whispered as one tear slowly slid down her cheek, "Can I come in?"

He'd greeted coldly her with her last name, but she'd responded by using his first; it was the only sign he needed that she was falling apart. Chuck found that he didn't know what he could possibly say to her, so he opened his arms in uncertainty.

It surprised the hell out of him when she flew into his waiting embrace.

* * *

**A/N: **One thing that really irked me about the show is how we didn't see the NB break-up, which I'm sure they had, because Blair would have had quite a few things to say to him. I couldn't help from exploring that here and I hope you forgive me for the NB mush… I was trying to make it believable. If it totally turned your stomach, next chapter should make it up to you. :smirk: Hopefully my CB will cooperate next chapter and you'll be rewarded. Let me know what you thought of my _super long_ chapter. I need to get better at finding a stopping place. :lol:

* * *


	8. Save Me

**A/N: **This chapter had to be written entirely outside of work, because of the content, so it's taken me getting over some procrastination to sit down and write it. I hope it lives up the expectations of everyone, as I haven't written anything of the smutty nature in a year. I was going to TRY and make it so that not reading the explicit portion of the chapter wouldn't effect the story, but I'm not talented enough apparently. :lol: If you don't want to read it, PM me and I'll try and fashion you a tamer version. Ha-ha. Then again, I never find it all that dirty, so what do I know?

**BTW:**Kudos and kisses to my darling Issa, who not only previewed the chapter to soothe my nervousness, she guessed, very easily that the name of this story and the chapter titles are all songs by the group **Hanson**. Yes, they are still around, and they totally rock. I _really_recommend listening to the song that this chapter is named after. It really fits the feelings I was trying to convey here. So look it up on Youtube, would ya? :lol: You'll like it. :D

**Disclaimer:**I don't own Blair, Chuck, or Gossip Girl. If I did, Blair would realize that Nate is a whiney baby and Chuck is all the man a girl could ever need.

**Warnings: This chapter is rated M for SEXUAL CONTENT.**

* * *

IF ONLY

Chapter 8

"Save Me"

* * *

The force with which Blair had thrown herself into his arms may have taken him by surprise, but Chuck was still able to maneuver them into the room and close the door without alerting his neighbors. Now he was standing with his back pressed up against his wall, holding Blair Waldorf, who was calmly crying into the cloth covering his shoulder.

What the hell was Chuck Bass supposed to do with a crying woman? It wasn't like he had any experience consoling people.

Wrapping his arm around her and rubbing her back, he only knew that he needed to make her stop. "Blair," he whispered quietly, "Do you want to sit down?" When she made a slight nod of the head, he led her over to his bed and sat down, never letting go of her.

After about ten more minutes of no sound but the tiny gasps and sniffles that told him she was still breathing, he tried to ask, "Are you going to tell me what's up, or are you going to continue leaving me in the dark as to the reason for all the tears?"

He watched in relief as she slowly raised her head, first glancing at his lips before meeting his eyes. "Scotch," was all she said.

Resisting the urge to shake her in frustration at her random subject choice, he spluttered, "What about it, Blair?" He was really reaching the end of his rope in the previously unused 'patient understanding" department, "You want a glass? What about it?"

Her eyes seemed to widen, causing her to look momentarily bewildered, then she tilted her head to the side. "No… it's on your breath," she completed her thought and suddenly, he wished she was still crying on his shoulder. Blair's eyes hardened as she spat, "You didn't expect me to show up, did you?"

"You must be hallucinating… I don't know what hell you're talking about, Waldorf," he turned his head from her, finding the comforter next to him on the bed fascinating.

He felt her hand turn his chin so that his breath fell on her face and he was suddenly looking into her unforgiving eyes again. "Yes, you do, Bass." The woman was persistent; she'd bend him until he broke on the subject or until she could read everything she needed in his face. "You didn't expect me to really end things with him, did you?" Her voice had quieted and her bottom lip was quivering, "You gave up on me, expected me to crawl back to him, even though I swore it wouldn't be like that this time." Releasing his chin from her fingers, she started to stand, "And here I actually thought…"

"What, Blair?" Chuck stood and grabbed her arm, pulling her against him so that their midsections were flush with each other, "What assumption did you make?"

"I was naïve enough to think you actually had faith in me, trusted me… understood me the same as I usually do you." As she backed away from him, he released her, trying not to feel his heart tear from the pain her expression held, "So much for hoping you'd be as proud of me for following through with one of the hardest things I've had to do _in my life,_ as I was of you for trying to make something of yourself. I can see now that I was wrong."

His eyelids closed at her words, but he could tell by the sound of her voice that she had turned away from him. "Blair," after taking a deep breath, he opened his eyes to see her back slumped in sorrow. He hated the way she stiffened when he placed his hands on her shoulders as he spoke, "History has shown that all roads in your world lead to him... so, how could I know this time might be different?" As he gently turned her to face him, he saw the tears welling up in her eyes again, "_Whatever_ happened last night was a detour and I accept that... no matter how many delusions I may have developed to the contrary."

"But you aren't delusional," her hands were on his chest, with her eyes glued to the floor, "I am. All the years that Nate and I were together, I don't think he ever really knew me. I needed him, tonight, and I _know_ he's never been there for me when I needed him, but..."

"But what? What are you saying?" Her words were all about Nate, so they told _him_ nothing; especially not what he really wanted to know. "What made you come to me?"

"But _you_ were there…" Lifting her eyes to his, she gave him a small smile, "You're _always_ there when I need you… and right now, I need you, so I'm here."

He was speechless. After all these years, she'd finally figured out how much was really missing in her relationship with his best friend and now she was turning to him? Could it be possible? "Blair…"

As her face neared his, she whispered, "Just don't push me away this time, Chuck…"

She pressed her lips gently to his and he was lost; in the feeling of her lips against his, the arms wrapping around him, the heavy emotion welling in his chest. Bringing his hands up to cup her cheeks, he turned his face slightly, and found she parted her lips automatically, exposing the depths of her mouth to him. Their tongues danced together, in a sensual slow-motion; neither of them was in a rush until her hands pulled his shirt from his pants and found the bare flesh of his back.

Their mouths still connected, Chuck brailled his long fingers down the curves of her body. When he reached the bottom of her skirt, he ran his hands up her Wolford tight-covered legs and grasped her thighs, pulling her up to wrap her legs around him. Clenched in her tight grip, his breath hitched as she ground her center into his groin while he carried her over to the bed. He reluctantly broke the kiss so that he could see to pull the covers down the bed and had to stifle a groan at the tiny nibbles she was placing down his jaw.

Laying her down horizontal to the pillows, he laughed when she grabbed one to put under her head. "Is that necessary?" He climbed on top of her and ran his hands back up her legs to work on removing those pesky tights.

Lifting her head to kiss him, she started to unfasten the buttons on his shirt, "Of course it is." She kicked off her shoes without missing a beat when he worked the tights down her legs, "I wouldn't want my hair to get too crushed." After pushing the shirt off of his shoulders, she pulled the undershirt up over his head, "Never know when I'll need to get out of here in a hurry."

His eyes snapped to hers after dropping the tights to the floor, "You have to know how sorry I am about my behavior this morning." Leaning back over her body, he pulled the clip from her hair, spilling the curls over her pillow, "And I prefer your hair crushed." He smirked as her hand flew to her loose hair, "Kind of a 'Chuck was here' mark."

Slapping his hand away, she began to loosen his belt, "What if I don't want to be _marked,_ Chuck?"

Smirking again, he pulled her up onto her knees so that he could unzip her dress, "I think it's a little late for you to escape intact, don't you?" After he lifted the Valentino dress over her head and tossed it over the nearest chair so she wouldn't yell at him, he was rewarded with the image of Blair Waldorf dressed in only her matching black silk bra and panties. The sight would be indelibly written on his mind forever if he had anything to say about it; it was magnificent to behold.

With her hands on her scantily clad hips, she proclaimed, "You're appalling, Chuck." Returning his impish grin, she leaned forward and pushed his unfastened pants down his hips to pool at his knees. "And entirely overdressed for this occasion."

Pulling her to him, he began trailing kisses over her throat as he laid her down. He was laying between her legs as he whispered, "Your naked wish is my command," and kicked off his shoes and pants over the edge of the bed.

Suddenly, pressed against her with only their thin undergarments separating them, peering into her lust-glazed gaze, their playful atmosphere was gone. The room was suddenly thick with tension, the images of last night floating into the air, reminding him of just what was happening here: she was giving herself to him… again. And this time, there was no blaming the alcohol or the heartbreak or thinking that revenge was her motivation; they were going to be fully aware of decisions they were making, to be responsible for their actions. He needed to be sure she understood all those things, so he whispered her name, as reverently as any prayer, "Blair…"

Her expression was tender as she brought her hand up to brush the backs of her fingers along his cheek, "I'm sure, Chuck…" Fingers traced his jaw-line and grazed the skin of his neck, curling around it and pulling his face toward hers, "No regrets."

Resolving that he would help her maintain that perspective, he captured her lips with his, knowing a verbal response wasn't necessary. For the minutes following, he would read her expressions, gasps, and moans to know that he's fulfilling her desires. Every sensation was still so new to her and her reactions were both gratifying and terrifying; she completely released control to his more knowledgeable hands.

Chuck was the only man with which she'd trusted her body and he found himself praying that he was able to keep it that way.

* * *

It was almost unbearable how much Blair wanted this, to re-experience the sensations and pleasures that he'd shown her the night before, and he seemed to be hesitating. The wide eyes, caramel-colored in the lamplight, staring into hers were uncertain and bordering on petrified; she felt like the finest porcelain doll that he was afraid to break. As someone who'd known Chuck for over a decade, the experience was humbling… and an incredible turn-on.

Reaching behind her, she watched the eyes widen further as she released the clasp on her bra and removed it. The motion accomplished two tasks: exposing herself to his gaze and reassuring him that she was cognizant of her actions. It seemed that was all he needed to snap him back to attention because his head immediately dipped to take the hardened peak of her left breast between his lush lips, where he swirled his tongue on her skin and suckled like the expert she knew he was.

Throwing her head back at the feeling, her left hand threaded through the hair on his head while her right massaged the nape of his neck, twirling a tuft of hair around her finger. He was leaning on his right elbow and working her panties down her hips when he switched to her left nipple. Hands roaming from the chestnut hair to his broad shoulders, she dug her nails into his skin when he slipped a finger inside her, brushing her clit with his thumb, causing her to moan, _"Fuck!"_

A haughty chuckle made his chest rumble against her stomach, the vibrations rippling across the nipple between his teeth as he released it in favor of kissing her jaw, "Such a _naughty_ word from such a pristine mouth…" She felt another finger join the first and when he hooked the tips of them to find her most sensitive spot, she barely heard the whisper in her ear over her spontaneous purring in response to his touch, "And I _like_ it."

Trying to regain some sense of her mental cognition while he attempted to make her lose it, she gripped his shoulders and pulled his face to hers for a kiss. Then, using her feet, she slid his boxers down his hips, removing the last cloth barrier between them. When she felt how hard he'd become next to her thigh, knowing she turned him on that much, it pushed her to reach her climax, essentially failing in the 'regaining-control department' when she moaned his name.

His lips found hers, his kisses tender and caressing, as his hands cupped her cheeks. After taking a few moments to catch her breath, she used the opportunity to lock her feet together, grip his shoulders, and flip their bodies so that she straddled his hips. The only response he gifted her with was a proud smirk and a pair of raised eyebrows, while she sat astride him with a grin. Smart-ass comments were no doubt warring to escape from the tip of his tongue, but he held them in check.

She watched as his left hand reached under one of the pillows at the head of the bed and came back with a condom, which he ripped open, yet didn't unwrap. Holding it out to her, he challenged, "You'll do the honors, of course?"

Snatching it from his grip, she shifted down over him, causing his tip to graze her clit lightly, eliciting a twitch of pleasure from both of them, and kneeled straddling his thighs. After taking a second to tentatively touch him, fisting his shaft in her hand curiously, watching his eyes roll back when she did so, she carefully rolled the condom over his cock and tossed the wrapper over her shoulder.

Looking up at him, she met his amused gazed, her tongue beginning to form a retort, but thought of comebacks flew from her mind as she lowered herself on top of him, drawing moans from them both and causing her head to fall back. She felt the shift as he sat up and wrapped his arms around her, pressing their bare chests together and placing a kiss on her collar bone. "Done experimenting?"

Clasping her ankles behind his back, all she could do was nod. Chuck brought her with him as he lay down and rolled them over, his arms leaving her back to slide to her shoulders blades. Levering himself on his forearms, he immediately withdrew from inside her and then slowly slid back in. His lips were sucking and biting her neck, tongue swirling to soothe any injuries as he quickened his pace instinctively, just when she longed for more speed. The feeling was like being torn apart and then repaired, over and over again, finding the fitting completion their connection brought only to lose it again. It was a paradox; she had to go through this withdrawal to experience the delicious tightening in her stomach, to achieve that unseen goal of release that he caused her to crave.

Her hips were lifting to meet his thrusts and she knew her nails were leaving red scratches down her back, but there was no restraining her response to him. The planet was spinning out of control, whirling dangerously fast, the only sounds she could hear were the beating of their hearts and the mingling of their cries. Sweat was dripping down his brow, so she brought a hand to wipe it away, and bring his mouth to hers. All rhythm was lost as he shakily drove into her, the explosion of her orgasm racking her body with tremors, triggering his release, relaxing her muscles and quieting the indecisions of her heart.

Right now, there was one man, one place, one feeling, and no other sound but his heart beating erraticly in unison with her own. There was no telling whether she would ever grow tired of the place, the sound, or the feeling… or if any other man would be capable of making this act such an earth-shattering encounter.

* * *

**A/N: **I'm nervous about posting this chapter, so please let me know how I did with this. Right now I'm terrified of OOC-ness, since I've strayed so far from the script at the moment, so let me know if Chuck, in particular, was believable. Reviews will be laminated and cherished. :lol:


	9. Hand In Hand

**A/N: **Yes, this took me a little longer than a week, two, to be exact, but, here it is. Even though I really wasn't satisfied with the way it turned out, I hope it lives up to your expectations.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Blair, Chuck, or Gossip Girl. If I did, Blair would realize that Nate is a whiney baby and Chuck is all the man a girl could ever need.

**Warnings: Rated T but may change to M in later chapters.**

* * *

IF ONLY

Chapter 9

"Hand in Hand"

* * *

For someone who wasn't astonished very often, Chuck appeared to be setting a record. This time, though, the subject responsible for his amazement was himself. He was never surprised by the lengths he would go to in order to get what he wanted, or just how warped his motives usually were, but it seemed he'd finally found the exception; the reaction his mind and heart had to the sleeping woman beside him flabbergasted the shit out of him.

He'd been lying there, for who knows how long, reveling in the feel of every inch of her warm skin that was touching his. Her head was resting on his shoulder, bare chest pressed against his side, hand on his chest, slender fingers tangled in the curls there, leg thrown over his, bringing her pelvis flush with his hip; it was overwhelming how attached to him she was at this moment. If this were any other girl, anyone but Blair Waldorf, and he would have pushed her away the moment he woke up. The fact that she was completely draped around him, clinging to his body, as she had done no one else's, made him wrap his arm around her waist to keep her there.

Waking up in her arms was definitely something he could get used to.

When she finally began to stir, he watched her eyes open and flick up to meet his. A smile lifted her lips and his heart constricted in his chest when she whispered, "Good morning."

Pressing a kiss to her forehead, as he'd done the previous morning when she'd woken, he returned the whispered greeting against her hairline, "Good morning, Blair."

At that second, Blair's phone decided to ring and burst their happy little bubble. He was a little shocked when she buried her face into the crook of his neck and mumbled, "Oh… damn it, I forgot to call S. I bet she called a dozen times… she's probably really freaking out." She pulled back and met his eyes, "I was supposed to spend the night at her place, remember?"

He couldn't help but smirk, "That's right…"

"I better get that," she sighed and started to pull away from him, then startled him by dropping a swift kiss on his lips before leaving the bed.

After taking a moment to appreciate her naked body as she waltzed around his suite like she owned the place, he grabbed them each a robe from bathroom as he did yesterday. Putting his arms through the sleeves of his robe, he quickly tied the sash. When he joined her at the sidebar, where she found her discarded handbag from the night before, he draped the other robe over her shoulders. "Are you trying to dress me again, Bass?"

"No arguments this time, Waldorf," he wrapped his arms around her waist and he placed his chin on her shoulder while she looked through her missed calls. When finished, she placed the phone back on the table surface and leaned back into his arms, resting her head on his chest. "Okay, so there were only eight missed calls from Serena… I have to give her credit for that." She giggled when her stomach growled under his hands, "So, what surprises will room service bring for breakfast this time?"

"I was actually thinking we could go out," he spun her around and kissed her, but pulled away when it started to get urgent. "But first, I have something for you."

Her brow furrowed in confusion, "What are you talking about?"

Letting go of her and walking over to the bar, he grabbed the golden bag from its hiding place, "It is your birthday, after all." Trying to keep his steps calm, he walked over to the bed and he sat down. He only waited a moment for her to join him, but it felt like an eternity. The bag sat in his lap like a two-ton weight, reminding him, once again, of how big the decision he'd made was; after she saw his gift, there was no turning back.

Watching silently as she sat beside him, he caught her eyes resting on the bag, "What did you do, Chuck?"

Chuck thought it best not to answer right that second, his voice was liable to catch with all the emotions clogging his throat; he pulled the square box from inside and set the bag on the floor. Opening it slowly, he saw her bronzed eyes widen as they came to rest on the glimmering diamond necklace.

Taking in the utter shock on her face, he smiled gently, "Happy Birthday, Blair."

* * *

The sight of heart-shaped charm dangling from the chain had caused Blair to freeze solid, because, well, this had certainly been unexpected. She was speechless as he removed it from the velvet surface where it rested and was only able to respond when the feel of cool metal against her skin shook her from her stupor, "It… it's the Erikson Beamon necklace! I couldn't…"

His face showed no trepidation and his hands were steady as he closed the clasp. "Yes… you can."

"But how could you have possibly known…" she let her voice trail off as the pieces came together. "Nate," she breathed, "that's how you knew which store, but why this piece?" Gazing into his eyes as her hand came up to touch the charm, she sighed, "It's too much."

When his cheeks colored slightly before he spoke, her breath caught; Chuck Bass doesn't blush. "After our… less than desirable parting yesterday morning…" He also doesn't fumble for words, yet it was happening, "I still needed a gift and I _knew_ I owed you an apology…" He brought his hand up to his gift, running his fingers along the chain and taking her hand, threading his fingers through hers as he spoke, "So, I picked this up at the jewelry store…"

Staring at their entwined hands, she whispered, "I still can't…"

"_Yes,_ you can," his tone was slightly offended, "As soon I saw it, I knew it was made for you." He let out a mirthless chuckle, "You belong to each other." Using his free hand to run his fingers along her cloth-covered spine, he spoke softly and carefully, "Something this beautiful deserves to be worn by someone worthy of its beauty."

There were no words to convey what she felt right now. The reflection of the two of them in the mirror over the bar, which looked different from the one that hung there yesterday, looked like something from a movie. Sitting here, with one of her oldest friends, feeling the new connection the last few days had formed between them was overwhelming. Her heart felt like it had grown to fill her entire chest, just from his gentle touch and heavy words.

Everyone knew the symbolism behind the shape of the charm now hanging around her neck; it was age-old and universal. The way he had spoken to her last night on the terrace only confirmed that he was fully aware of the meaning as well. She felt so full of emotion from the weight of his precious gift: Chuck Bass had given her his heart.

Her silence must have been telling; they both knew what had just happened here. He leaned down to kiss her shoulder, before resting his forehead against it, "I really am sorry."

She turned her head and rested her forehead against his hair, "I understand."

After taking a few breaths to let the shock and awe of the moment wash over her, a wave of longing passed over her. The brown-eyed boy surrounding her with his breathing, warm body, the same one who'd tasted her skin and groaned her name, was exactly who she needed him to be right now. He always seemed able to fix what ailed her, no matter how much damage there was.

He'd salvaged her birthday, just like he said might happen the night before.

A sly smile spreading across her face, she kissed his forehead and maneuvered herself so that she was sitting on his lap. Her open thighs spread across his, she started to un-tie the closed robe he was wearing, cutting off his protests with her kisses. Just as she freed his chest by opening the cloth garment, there was a different phone ringing, a rock song filling the air.

His hands stopped their journey into her own robe and kissed her forehead quickly, "I should get that."

Arching an eyebrow, she ran a finger over his jaw-line, "Are you sure, Bass?" Leaning into him and taking an earlobe between her teeth, she whispered, "Just let it ring…"

There was a grunt of frustration as he lifted her off of him and stood up, snapping coldly, "No. I really _have_ to get this one."

She crossed her arms over her bared chest and tried to repress her startled jump when she heard him purr, "Nathaniel…" into the phone receiver, his eyes never leaving her. "Yeah, I was abusing my Sunday sleep privileges… oh? She did?" He sighed exaggeratedly into the phone, "Of course… I'll see you in twenty."

It took her no longer to cross the room than it did for him to hit the 'end call' button. "Let me guess," she sighed, eyes glued to his face, as she stood just out of reach, "You're leaving."

Chuck didn't seem know what to say; he looked like a lost boy, unsure which step would take him in the right direction. "I'm meeting Nate for breakfast," his eyes snapped to hers, still bewildered and unsure, "He wants to talk about how you dumped him last night."

"What's the big deal? So, you listen to him whine and keep your mouth shut," she shrugged, not sure of why he was looking at her with wide eyes. "You're a master of deception, so it shouldn't be difficult."

He scoffed at her, "Deceiving pitiful excuses for human intelligence is _simple;_ pretending I wasn't inside my best friend's ex-girlfriend only a few hours ago is an _entirely_ different animal, Blair."

Dropping her jaw, she squeaked, surprised at his vulgar choice in wording, "Chuck!" Pulling the robe closed around her, she continued, "Just because you fucked up doesn't mean you should take it out on me. I'm not forcing you to see him."

"He's my _best friend._ I _have_ to go." He ran his hands through his already disheveled hair, "If Serena and Brooklyn had broken up, and she wanted to eat with you, wouldn't you go?"

She recoiled at the thought, "I don't like that scenario… I'm not _sleeping_ with Cabbage Patch."

"I didn't say…" he threw his hands up in the air, "Whatever, Blair, I have to go."

Realizing she was probably _not_ handling this correctly, if there even _was_ a right way to handle it, she waited until he walked to his closet then slipped her arms around his waist. "Okay, so you have to go," laying her head on his back, she breathed deeply, "I guess I _would_ do the same thing… but you have to admit, things _are_ a little different."

She heard his intake of breath through gritted teeth in warning, "Blair…"

"It's the _truth_. We have a…" she thought for a second, "Unique situation here." Waiting a second, she heard him trying not to chuckle, "But I understand… and now I'm going to get dressed."

Dressing swiftly in her surprisingly unwrinkled dress, she checked her reflection in the mirror over the bar and was suddenly overcome by curiosity. "That isn't the same mirror that was in here yesterday…" turning, she saw he was pulling his shoes on, "Is it?"

Giving her an odd look, his gaze flashed between her and the mirror before meeting her eyes, "I grew tired of the other one."

Chuck's evasion felt a little off, but it wasn't really an important thing so she let it go. "Whatever," she was gathering her things together over at the sideboard when he felt his hand in her free one. "What? Ready to go?"

He seemed to struggle with whether or not to say whatever thing was obviously on his mind and think better of it, "Yeah… let's go."

Straightening the collar on his shirt a little, she sighed, "I think I'm going to stop by Serena's." The amused look on his face at her little obsessive action caused a giggle to escape her lips, "Since she called me eight times."

His answering snicker was mocking, "You think that's a lot? Nathaniel called twenty-three."

Even though the sound of her ex's name from her lover's lips left her feeling cold, she still managed to laugh at the idea.

* * *

When the elevator stopped on the fifteenth floor, Blair giggled as Chuck kissed her deeply. Dressed in last night's couture, looking flushed and glowing, she was obviously enjoying herself. Her exit took a few moments as things obviously started to heat up right in the hallway, no matter who was watching.

Blair's tall, blonde-haired friend ducked around the corner before either saw her.

* * *

**A/N: **Well? What'd ya think? I kinda backed myself into a corner with the whole necklace thing, so I hope this played out okay. Let me know what you thought.


	10. Speechless

**A/N: **This chapter is short by my standards, but I want to have all the room I need for the next scene I have in mind. Also, this allows me to update tonight which is awesome since I also wrote a one-shot this week. :lol: I'm on a ROLL, Baby! :D I hope you like this. We are, in technical timeline terms, between "Seventeen Candles" and "Blair Waldorf Must Pie," so this is pretty much all me, except for… well, you'll know when you see it. ;) Enjoy.

**Special Thanks: **Tatiana for giving this a quick once over. :hug:

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Blair, Chuck, or Gossip Girl. If I did, Blair would realize that Nate is a whiney baby and Chuck is all the man a girl could ever need.

**Warnings: Rated T but may change to M in later chapters.**

* * *

IF ONLY

Chapter 10

"Speechless"

* * *

When the elevator opened on Serena's floor, Chuck and Blair slowly inched toward the open door. She tried to break their floor-spanning kiss with a giggle, but didn't fight him when he backed her against the gap where the doors were hidden and kissed her again. After a moment, the door behind her bumped into her, breaking the mood by reminding her they were exposed to whoever decided to walk down the hall.

Pulling away gently, she spoke as strongly as she could without catching her breath, which was basically a whisper, "Chuck, stop."

His mouth moved to her neck and he peppered the area with kisses, responding between pecks, "At least _try_ to sound convincing, Blair."

Stifling a moan from the sensation of his tongue against her skin, she growled, "I _mean_ it, Chuck… _stop_." She pushed him away abruptly, "Someone could _see_ us!"

When his back collided with the other side of the door opening, he lifted hurt, frustrated eyes to hers, "You make it sound like you don't want to be seen with me." The condescending sneer on his face made her heart clench in her chest, "Why's that? You afraid that N--"

"_Think_ before you say what you're about to say, Bass," she cut him off, "You were the one who, only minutes ago, was worried about Nate finding out, not me." His insecurity was disconcerting, his face wary of trusting her words and eyes studying the floor, but she pushed on, "Do you want one of the maids to tip off Gossip Girl and break the news to him? You, of all people, know how _hands-on_ they can be." Her reasoning seemed to calm the storm brewing in his expression, so she approached and pushed a loose strand of hair out of his eyes.

The soft touch brought his downcast eyes to hers, "I just…" He threw his hands up in the air, "Whatever." Raising an eyebrow, he chuckled sarcastically, "Since we're being surreptitious about the situation, I guess it's best that we didn't go out to breakfast this morning."

"Unfortunately, yes," a smile lifted her lips as she considered her options and settled on one that would work for both of them. "But, dinner at my penthouse wouldn't be out of the question."

The struggle on his face against smiling was humorous, he seemed to be trying so hard not to show emotion after his outburst, "Dinner it is, then." Giving her a chaste kiss on the lips, he added, "It'll probably take me until then to convince Nathaniel that your break-up was a good thing, anyway."

Her tone was dry as she rolled her eyes, "It works out perfectly, then." Leaning in and pressing a kiss to his cheek, she whispered, "I'll see you at seven."

Turning from him, she rounded the corner and approached Serena's door. It was only a moment after she knocked that her best friend opened the door, a less than pleased look on her face. Ignoring her friend's sour disposition, Blair greeted her with a smile and flounced into the suite, taking her place on the sofa. Once her skirt was arranged satisfactorily, she looked up to see the blonde staring down at her. "So, S, what's have you been up to this morning?"

"Funny," Serena spoke with a cautious tone, "I was going to ask you the same thing, B… after you left the party last night, you didn't answer your phone and you didn't show up here, so where were you?"

Trying to remain in control and not give anything away, she answered the expected question swiftly, "Actually, I did come by here, but you weren't home. And Nate was here looking for me."

Now looking concerned, rather than perturbed, Serena took a seat next to Blair on the couch, placing her hand on Blair's arm, "Did you guys get back together?"

Recoiling at the thought, Blair spat, "After Gossip Girl published pictures of him with some skank?" She sighed, "No. It's over… for good this time. I finally feel like I'm free of him."

This was obviously not what the blonde expected to hear, "So, where were you if you weren't with him all night?" Her worry turned to suspicion, "Not at home, because I called Darota."

Now was the time to get defensive, so Blair tried to be as vague as possible: "A _friend_ gave me a ride home and I was with them all night." She turned her head and pulled out her mirror to check her reflection so that she'd have somewhere else to direct her gaze.

The compact fell from to the floor when Serena grabbed her forearm with both hands and shook it slightly. "I know all your friends, B. What aren't you telling me? And _why_?" Her eyes were pleading, "You know you can tell me _anything._"

Blair's head kept telling her to be nonchalant, to not give anything away. Attempting to look bored with the conversation, she rolled her eyes, "What am I supposed to be telling you, S? You obviously know better than I do what you want me to say."

"All I want to know is why you were M.I.A. all night…" The blonde's fingers suddenly became uncomfortably tight on her arm and a glance at Serena's eyes confirmed that it was the exact second she noticed the bauble around Blair's neck. "And where you got that necklace."

Blair opened her mouth to explain, "I--"

"Don't tell me it was a gift from someone at the party." Serena cut her off, "You left before the presents were opened and they're all in my bedroom. If it wasn't your mom and it wasn't Nate, who would give you something that expensive?"

Blair sighed in frustration. Usually Serena was easy to distract, but today she was unusually astute in her observations; it was incredibly annoying. "Just come out with it. I'm tired of playing 'Twenty Questions,' S."

The blonde must have realized that there would be no confession, so she did as she was asked. "Blair, I saw you… getting out of the elevator with Chuck a few minutes ago." Checking to see if Blair would react, she continued when the brunette stayed silent: "I saw the two of you… _kissing_."

The combination of disgust and accusation in Serena's voice really angered Blair. Was the golden _slut_ of the Upper East Side actually ashamed of _her?_ "So?"

"So…" Serena continued carefully, "What's going on, B?" She put an arm around the brunette and continued, "You know I'm the last person to judge anyone, but _Chuck?_"

That was the last straw; the revulsion in her best friend's voice caused Blair to spring from her seat to stand over the blond. "Congratulations, you figured it out," she threw up her hands and shouted, "I slept with Chuck Bass." At the way her friend's eyes bugged out, she continued, "What's the big deal? Upset that you didn't get to sleep with him first?"

Serena jumped from her seat and took Blair's shoulders in her hands, "_YOU SLEPT WITH HIM?!_ Blair!" Emphasizing the brunette's name with a slight shake, she wailed, "I thought you wanted to wait… that you wanted it to be special!"

Taking a step back, Blair let the blonde's hands drop from her and snarled, "You're in no position to judge me, S. When I needed you, the night that Nate and I broke up, you were off in Brooklyn with _Cabbage Patch_, but Chuck was there for me. He _always_ has been, even when you fled town after sleeping with my _boyfriend_." She paused in her tirade to stomp over, retrieve her fallen mirror, and shove it into her purse. When she looked up, Serena was still silent in shock, so she persisted with her story: "So, I went to Victrola, and _he_ offered me an ear if I needed one… or a way to forget if I wanted one."

Purse in hand, she started towards the door, but turned to face her friend with self-satisfaction in her eyes, "And, _not_ that it's any of_ your business_, but that night was _extremely_ special to me. So, yes, he's the one who drove me home last night. He's the one who gave me this necklace. And he's the person that I trusted enough to give what Nate couldn't be bothered with."

Standing at the door, Blair waited for some kind of response. She knew her best friend had never been all that sharp and the information must have been entirely too much for her to process, but Blair was pissed off by her reaction to the news, so she didn't care. After watching her friend staring blankly ahead for a few seconds, it was amusing to her that all Serena could ask was, "Two nights in a row?"

Opening the door and walking through it, Blair snickered, "Yeah; and you better get used to it, because the chances are tonight's going to be the third." She pulled door shut behind her, causing a soft thud when it closed and headed back to the elevator. Feeling like she had _finally_ given her friend her due for her past transgressions, she skipped into the car and pressed the button for the lobby. She had a dinner guest to go home and prepare for.

* * *

**A/N: **So, I'm sure you spotted what wasn't totally mine. :P But, did you enjoy it? I really wanted to slap Serena in "Blair Waldorf Must Pie" for her reaction to BC, so I guess this was my revenge. :lol: Let me know what you thought, okay?


	11. You Never Know

**A/N: **Here is chapter eleven, people! I wrote it in bits and pieces, but I think it all works out okay. I know I haven't responded to my reviews yet, but I wanted to get this out to ya'll. This chapter is still taking place between "Seventeen Candles" and "Blair Waldorf Must Pie," so keep that in mind. And, yes, this entire chapter is in Chuck's POV.

**Special Thanks to Tatiana!**

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Blair, Chuck, or Gossip Girl. If I did, Blair would realize that Nate is a whiney baby and Chuck is all the man a girl could ever need.

**Warnings: Rated T but may change to M in later chapters.**

* * *

IF ONLY

Chapter 11

"You Never Know"

* * *

When the elevator doors closed on Blair's retreating form, Chuck punched the button for the lobby and sunk back against the wall, resisting the urge to smash his head into it. "What the HELL is wrong with me?!" The empty car had no answers, though, so he felt even more ridiculous than he had before his useless outburst.

As if that was possible.

After fifteen floors of thinking about it, he decided that this couldn't go on. He'd erupted at Blair for the tiniest thing, something that he actually agreed with, but the deep-seated insecurity that had taken up residence in his chest the morning before was beginning to rear its ugly head. He'd become paranoid of losing Blair after only two nights, and it disgusted him. There had to be a way to better control it.

There was no way that Chuck Bass could allow himself to lose his cool so easily; especially with the conversation he was about to have.

Nate calling him that morning, asking Chuck to meet him, had thrown him for an even more terrifying loop than his latent feelings for Blair had. Here he was, walking through the courtyard of the hotel to climb into the limo where he'd _deflowered_ his best friend's ex, on his way to meet that best friend and soothe whatever wounds he'd taken away from the break-up.

Okay, so maybe not soothe. The attitude that was Chuck Bass _still _hid somewhere in his head, after all.

So he would meet his best friend and, what? Tell him that Blair was not wasn't good enough for him? That she wasn't worth the trouble of being broken up about? That she was an insignificant bitch with no taste if she let him go?

Suddenly, he was gaining first hand knowledge of the word hypocrite. He'd never made excuses for the decisions he made or the things he did, so no one had ever called him out on being phony. But, now, he was going to face the fact that he had to flat out lie to his best friend and there was just no way around it.

The eight city-block drive to Central Park didn't seem to take long enough. It wasn't enough time to prepare for this kind of betrayal. Not even with all the traffic of a Sunday morning.

Then, again, these were uncharted waters for him, so maybe there would never be enough time.

Whenever Nate asked to meet at 'the Park,' Chuck knew that Nate was in a bad way. Many a morning they had walked through the patch of green in a forest of metal known as Central Park, sharing a joint and talking during free period. It was something that was reserved for the two of them and usually only happened when his best friend had something on his mind he needed to get off his of it.

Usually, this time was spent with Nate trying to be serious and Chuck throwing out whatever inappropriate responses he thought would lighten his friend's mood. He didn't exactly give advice as much as he should, but at least the other boy would have talked out his problems and leave a little more relaxed.

There was going to be no relaxing for Chuck.

His driver pulled the car up to the sidewalk outside Strawberry Fields, the section of the park dedicated to the memory of John Lennon, and he spotted Nate sitting on a bench studying the screen of his phone.

Taking a deep breath, Chuck exited his car, slowly strode up and sat next to his best friend. Before he could lose his nerve, he addressed him, "Nathaniel."

Chuck watched as the blonde flipped his phone shut before turning the sea-colored gaze to his own, "Twenty minutes, huh?" Nate's chuckle rang through the crisp fall air, "Last night's conquest a little harder to get rid of than you thought, Chuck?"

His relaxed posture from earlier straightened and with a racing heart, Chuck mumbled, "Something like that." If only his friend knew how much harder she was to get rid of than most.

"So... tell me." When Nate's statement was met with a confused gaze, he continued, "What was she like? If you can even remember."

Another of Nate's laughs laced through the sounds of the city as Chuck wished this wasn't one of their traditions. He would spend his time bedding as many girls as possible and Nate would live vicariously through his exploits while being tied down. As he couldn't see lying when it wasn't absolutely necessary, yet, Chuck told the truth: "Bossy brown-eyed brunette... flawless ivory skin... just your type." Topping it off with a snicker he didn't quite feel, he watched his friend's face go ghost white.

"I think I'm through with brunettes, man." Nate pulled out a joint and lit it, not even offering his friend a hit.

Ignoring a beggar walking past them, Chuck took a deep breath, "Speaking of... what the hell happened, man?" Maybe if he acted pissed about the situation, his less than genius friend wouldn't see through the thin facade that was barely covering his apprehension.

The muscular shoulders shrugged, "After you left us in the hallway, she started in on me about how she wasn't a priority over my family stuff and that we weren't good for each other right now and that she may love me, but it wasn't enough."

"Brutal," Chuck spat, "I mean, you _do_ have other things to worry about right now, beside her."

"That was one of her points. When we broke up the night before, she told me to go to my dad because she didn't need me as much as he did." Nate's eyes looked lost, "So, I guess it really is for the best."

"You never know, this could be the best thing to happen to you. You're out of Blair Waldorf's clutches, a free agent," Chuck ignored the fact that he was _neither_ of those at the moment, "This is the first day of the rest of your life, my man."

The blonde's face suddenly blossomed into a smile, "I do feel relieved that this whole thing with Blair's over… it feels like I've been dating her for a decade, you know?"

Chuck did his best not to flinch at the word 'relieved,' it was a little strange to him that both Blair and Nate used the same word to describe their break-up. "I'm glad, man..." he slapped his friend on the back, "Now that the therapy session is over, are you gonna share?"

"Oh, yeah..." he passed the joint, which Chuck took a hit of and held his breath while his friend spoke, "Sorry about that. I was a little distracted," he chortled as Chuck blew his smoke over his shoulder.

"Talk about rude, you drag me out of bed and away from a beautiful, willing woman to console you," he took another drag and held his breath through the rest of the sentence, "And then you withhold. Not cool man," releasing the sweet smelling smoke into the air, he kept his face straight in mock upset.

A look at his friend's expression and a guffaw came from Nate, "It won't happen again, man."

* * *

Feeling pretty good about the way their initial conversation had gone, Chuck invited Nate back to his place where they ordered pizza, played Xbox, and just hung out. Everything passed by completely normal for a Sunday afternoon until Nate's phone rang. He lazily picked up the phone and drawled, "Hey, Mom… Yeah. I'll see you in a few, then. Bye."

"Poor Nathaniel," Chuck laughed, "Just when you get out from under one woman's thumb, reality comes crashing down."

Watching his friend gathering his stuff, Chuck stuffed a piece of crust into his mouth, which gave Nate his opening. "Yeah…" he laughed, "That reminds me… what are you doing for Thanksgiving? We're banned from the Waldorf's due to all the shit that's been going on with my Dad and now my break-up with Blair… you wanna come suffer through the awkwardness with me?"

Rolling his eyes, Chuck scoffed, "Thanks for reminding me. I'm going to have to tell--" Blair. He was about to tell Nate that he needed to tell his ex-girlfriend about his plans just in case they were still sleeping together behind his back in three weeks. That could have been a major fuck up. Just when he thought he'd gotten control over the thoughts in his head, something like this happened.

When Chuck stopped short in his sentence, Nate had actually been paying enough attention to ask, "What?"

Letting the slip roll off of his shoulders, he really couldn't worry about that now, he continued, "Bart is going to Chicago to check out a hotel he's considering purchasing and he insisted that I accompany him because, 'He wants my opinion and we should spend the holiday as a family.' I knew that showing initiative with Victrola was going to bring nothing but trouble." Nate's laugh as he slipped his shoes on filled the air, but Chuck continued in disgust, "Lily's a bad influence on him, making him try to parent when it's about five years to late to start."

The ocean-colored eyes met his own from across the room, "Lily?"

"Shit," Chuck swore and ran his hand through already tousled hair, "Okay, you can't say anything, but my father has been dating her behind all our backs and I walked in on… something… in his office the other day with my proposal for Victrola." He made a gagging sound at the thought of what he might have witnessed if he hadn't been showing Blair around Victrola, "Yuck. Apparently they're serious."

"No kidding. Your dad, in a relationship?"

Surprise was not an uncommon expression on Nate's face, but it still made Chuck laugh just the same, "Exactly my reaction." Almost the same reaction that Chuck had about his own pseudo-relationship with Blair. Considering he didn't know what the hell was going on there, he didn't know what to call it, or if there was even a name for it.

"Well, I gotta go, man. I'll see you at school tomorrow," His friend waved as he walked through the doorway.

Watching as his best friend shut the door, Chuck flopped back onto his bed. That could have gone both better and worse, but it still unnerved him that he'd almost made a grave mistake. How was he supposed to do this? Was this what he wanted? And what the hell did Blair want?

Deciding he was entirely too tired for thinking, he set the alarm on his phone for six pm before rolling over to take a nap. He didn't remember hanging out with his friend taking up so much energy.

* * *

Chuck's catnap was rudely interrupted by "Promiscuous Girl" blaring from the phone next to his ear. Checking the handset for the time, twenty minutes before his alarm was to go off, he sighed before pressing the 'Accept' button. He already knew who it was by the ring tone, so he infused as much smarm into his voice as possible before purring, "If you woke me for a Booty call, S, we're going to have to reschedule."

_"Charles Bartholomew Bass, what the hell do you think you're doing?"_

The screech was barely intelligible, but he got the gist. "Ooh. You know my middle name… I'm terrified, Serena _Celia_…" He laughed, "Really, I am, so please explain why you just ruined my hearing."

_"Out of all the women in this city, you had to go after Blair? I can't believe you, Chuck, really. She's your best friend's ex. Why take advantage of her?! I swear, if you…"_

"Now, take your panties out of the twist they're in. I didn't take advantage of her. I don't know what she told you…"

"She probably wouldn't have said anything if I hadn't seen the two of you getting out of the elevator earlier…" A sound of disgust filled her voice, "_All I got to ask her was why she gave her virginity to a pig like you, when all this time she's waited so that it would be special. Her answer was that you were there for her when I wasn't."_

Her frustration was causing him to laugh at the look he could imagine was on her face. "I'm not special? Van der Woodsen, I'm wounded."

_"That's just it. She said that it was special… and while I don't know what she meant by that, I know that means she's getting emotionally involved. So, if you're just playing one of your twisted games with her…"_

The word 'special' almost made him drop the phone and it definitely made him drop the cocky façade. Blair had said that? "Serena," he tried to speak firmly, but his voice still sounded vulnerable to his own ears. Either way, it had achieved the desired effect: to make her stop ranting and listen. "I…" he sighed, "I'm not toying with her. It's all a bit more complicated than that." And it had gotten even more complicated if what Serena just said was true. Did this mean that Blair might actually return his confused feelings?

Her voice sounded unsure, _"Let's say that I believe you, for now…"_ He heard a deep breath on the other side of the phone, _"But what about Nate? How long will you two be able to keep this from him? What's going to happen when he finds out? Because if you two keep making out in public like that, someone's going to send it to Gossip Girl and he's going to find out."_

Leave it to the blondest girl on the planet to voice the questions he'd been asking himself for the last two days. "He won't," his voice was determined, "He can't find out, so he won't."

Shutting the phone and dropping it on the bed without waiting to hear Serena's response, he entered the bathroom to take a shower. It was time to get ready for his, for lack of a better word, 'date' with Blair and he figured she'd object if he smelled of sweat, pizza, and pot.

Stepping underneath the steaming spray, his mind cleared of all thought but the questions that it had taken Blair's often clueless best friend to ask.

What about Nate?

Everything hinged on Nate staying in the dark about whatever it was that was going on between Chuck and Blair, so that's the way it would be.

There was no other way for it to be.

* * *

**A/N: **Just for your information, I have never smoked anything so I did what I could to describe it with my very limited knowledge. I hope it doesn't come out too awkward. Did I explain Chuck's outburst from last chapter? Did you like the Chuck/Nate scene? How about Serena's little slip? Let me know what you thought. ;)


	12. I Don't Know

**A/N: **Yes, it's been way too long. I know. I also know I didn't reply to my reviews. This chapter really kicked my butt to make it come out in character, so I hope I succeeded.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Blair, Chuck, or Gossip Girl. If I did, Blair would realize that Nate is a whiney baby and Chuck is all the man a girl could ever need.

**Warnings: Rated T but may change to M in later chapters.**

* * *

IF ONLY

Chapter 12

"I Don't Know"

* * *

When Blair exited the bathroom after drying her hair from the shower, she was shocked to find Serena sitting on her bed. "Gosh, S, you startled me."

"Blair," her best friend started seriously. "Your first floor looks like a chick flick exploded all over it."

Walking over to her vanity to apply her make-up, Blair tried her best not to look apprehensive, "I have no idea what you're talking about… or what you're even doing here."

"I came over to apologize for this morning," Serena's voice became louder and suddenly the blonde's reflection joined Blair's in the mirror. "You probably needed to talk to your best friend and all I did was judge you."

Scoffing, Blair carefully applied her mascara. "You_ have_ been spending too much time with Dan Humphrey," she stated as met her friend's eyes in the mirror, "But I don't see what there is to talk about."

When she set the mascara down on the vanity surface, Serena grabbed her shoulders and turned her around, concerned pale eyes met annoyed brown ones.

"Of course there's something to talk about! My best friend _finally_ lost her virginity!"

Blair allowed herself to be led over to her bed and she took a seat while Serena continued, "I may have been a _little_ off my game this morning, but I want all the details!"

"S…" Blair took a deep breath, "I'm not telling you a thing."

The blonde, seated beside her, looked shocked, "Why not? I told you everything about _my_ first time!"

"You're first time? You lost your virginity to someone you barely knew and I remember you telling me how terrible it was; that you weren't going to do it again until you were married and _had_ to." Narrowing her eyes, she drove the point home, "Look how _that_ turned out."

Serena rolled her eyes, "What does any of that have to do with you? Nothing. You're stalling, B and I'm _not_ giving up."

"This isn't like your experience. This is _Chuck_ we're talking about; someone that we've hung out with closely for years…" Getting up, she walked over to her closet and pulled out a rather plain navy blue three-quarter sleeve dress, and, without turning around, she continued, "I'm not going to satisfy your appetite for gossip about him."

"B, if I wanted to know what Chuck Bass was like in bed, I'd go pull a random girl off the street and ask _her;_ it's no mystery." Blair looked back over at her friend in time to see the blonde head cock to the side. "You're awful protective of him all of a sudden," Serena said curiously.

Pulling the dress off of its hanger, Blair put it on while speaking, "I am not. I just don't see how it's any of _your_ business, is all."

Adjusting the dress and fastening the zipper, she walked back over to the vanity to continue her interrupted make-up application.

When Serena once again joined her in the glass, Blair turned of her own accord this time, lipstick in hand. "I don't have time for this. What do I have to do to make you _leave?_"

Serena's normally bubbly face turned serious, "I want you to tell me why Chuck Bass became a _normal person_ when I told him that your losing your virginity to him was a special thing for you."

"_Please_ tell me that you didn't," her heart started pounding a mile a minute when she thought of what must have gone through Chuck's mind when he learned that piece of information.

It was a Freudian slip, letting Serena in on that particular fact earlier that day. Blair had been running on adrenaline and a strange urge to defend her actions to her best friend, even though she shouldn't feel the need to do that; Serena had _no_ room to talk when it came to indiscretions. Blair just felt that her friend needed to understand that Chuck hadn't been the aggressor; there was a mutual decision to go where the night had taken them. Now, she just knew, that little piece of damning information just bought her a load of explanation due to her best friend.

After a moment of silence, and blue eyes that were trying to read more than they ought to searching Blair's face, Serena answered, "I didn't mean to; it just slipped out."

"How could something like_ that_ 'slip out,' S?" Blair threw her hands up into the air, "What were you even doing calling him?"

Her blonde friend sighed, "After our less than informative talk this morning, I called him to threaten to remove certain body parts if he was toying with you."

She walked over and took Blair's hands in hers, "At first, he was the same old disgusting Chuck, but I when I accidentally blurted that out, he did a complete one-eighty. He told me that he was in _no way_ messing with you and that it was, and I quote, 'a bit more complicated than that.' What's complicated, B? How did two nights with you turn Chuck from scum of the earth into a human being?"

Squeezing Serena's hands before releasing them, Blair walked over and sat down on her bed, "I don't know." Staring up at the ceiling, she sighed, "He's just… _different._"

When the blonde sat down next to her, she reached for Blair's hand again, "Tell me what happened, B. There's no judging here…" She let out a laugh, "And _this_ time I mean it."

"You wanna know how I ended up losing my virginity in the back of Chuck Bass's limo?" Blair smirked when her friend's facial expression turned from concerned to shock.

"You _can't_ be serious, B."

Smiling wide, Blair continued, "I'll give you the Cliff Notes version on _one_ condition: if I hear a single, 'ew, gross," out of you…"

The blonde squeeze her hand in support, "I promise. No judgment, remember?"

Breathing deeply, Blair nodded. "After my confrontation with Nate, I met up with Chuck at Victrola. We were sitting on a couch in front of the stage, watching the dancers when he dared me to dance. I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of being right that I wouldn't, so I got up on stage, stripped to my slip and danced."

Pausing for comment, she continued when Serena kept her word and didn't speak up. "He stood there and watched the show with the strangest expression on his face. It wasn't the normal, smarmy, expression I expected…"

It was difficult to describe the look on his face actually; it was surprising, as if he was seeing her for the first time. "More like he couldn't take his eyes off of me. It made me feel powerful; like I could control him." To Blair it had been the best kind of control; the exciting kind that made her wonder how far she could push him.

Serena had an interested look on her face, but it morphed to eager, "Go on!"

With a laugh, Blair walked over to her vanity again and continued to apply her make-up. "After my dance he tried to act normal, but it wasn't working for some reason. Everything he said came out as a compliment. We decided to get out of there and he wouldn't hear of me taking a cab."

That conversation had been quick; she hadn't hesitated after he offered. Something as simple as a ride home had turned into a life changing event for them and she still couldn't bring herself to regret what happened next.

"So, I found myself in his limo, and leaning in to kiss him."

Serena was up in a flash to meet Blair's eyes in the mirror. "_You_ kissed him?"

"Yes, I did." Applying her muted pink gloss to her lips in order to avoid her friends' gaze, she continued, "He stopped me, asked me if I was sure, and then we… well, you know."

The blonde reflection stared at her expectantly, "Well? How was it?"

"Serena, I already told you it was special." She watched as her cheeks, slowly flushing with embarrassment, turned pink in the mirror. "And that's _all_ you're getting."

"I'm serious, Blair…" Her hands were in Blair's brunette hair, combing through it with her fingers. "Tell me."

Sighing in defeat, she gritted her teeth, "If it was anything _but_ good, would I have gone back to his suite with him for _two_ encores?"

Her friend's eyes bugged out as she puzzled through Blair's last sentence. "_Three_ times? Your _first_ night?"

Grabbing a brush, and running the tool roughly through her curls, Blair asked, "Yeah? So?" She really _had_ meant to keep _that_ part to herself.

"It's just that… I wouldn't have dreamed of going back for more right after I…" The blonde's brow furrowed, "It hurt too much."

Avoiding her best friend's eyes, Blair placed the brush on the countertop, "Really?"

Turning around she walked over to her closet and started to look for shoes; because shoes might erase this conversation… _right_.

"He must _really_ live up to his reputation, is all." Serena's voice got closer then went silent for a moment before adding, "Is that what you're wearing?"

Blair's eyes shot to meet her friend's, "What's wrong with it?"

"It's a little… dull." Holding her hands up like a shield, Serena continued, "It just doesn't look like something a girl would wear for a date with Chuck Bass."

Sighing, Blair put her hands on her hips, "Just come out with it, S, I'm running out of time."

"You look beautiful, B… but if you look downstairs at the candles and the perfect table setting, then look at yourself in the mirror, you'd understand what I mean."

Serena's hands came to rest on Blair's shoulders, "You look like you're preparing a date for Nate. I just think that the Chuck I know would take one look at the set-up downstairs and run."

Grabbing her friend's shoulders, Blair attempted to push her towards the bedroom door. "If that's the case then you _really_ have to leave because I now have to rearrange _everything_ I've spent the afternoon setting up."

Serena turned to face Blair, "You never answered my question, B."

Dropping her hands from her friend's shoulders, she spat, "What question?"

The questioning blue eyes were trained on Blair's, "Why weren't you surprised that he said things were complicated?"

"Because they _are_?" She tried to keep the emotion out of her eyes, but there was no doubt that her friend was starting to put things together.

Serena's brow furrowed, "What did he say to you, B?"

The jig was up by now, she might as well tell Serena; it would shut her up. "We were talking at my party last night and he mentioned that his stomach was fluttering, okay?"

Serena's jaw dropped in a most unladylike fashion, "_Butterflies_?"

Blair laughed, "My response, exactly." She couldn't believe that she was laughing, but the giggles wouldn't stop. It was truly ridiculous, him admitting to having feelings for her, but it also made her feel just a little bit giddy.

"That's insane!" Serena exclaimed, "How is it _possible_ that… Wow!"

"I know," Blair couldn't help but let a smile come to her lips; it was unstoppable.

Serena's smile grew to match her own. "Chuck Bass has _butterflies_ for Blair Waldorf…"

Blair nodded; hadn't they already covered this?

Her blonde friend's smile shrank to a coy smirk, "Question is: does _Blair Waldorf_ have butterflies for Chuck Bass?"

The happy expression dropped from her face and her tone was flat as she asked, "What?"

"Come on, B…" Serena began, "Don't tell me that you feel nothing. You're happy and confident, standing up to me yesterday without batting an eyelash! _Something's _different…" There was a fond smile on the lips of her friend, "And I think I know what it is… I think you _care_ about him."

What was she supposed to say? That she was actually enjoying her time with Chuck? That he made her feel like the most beautiful girl in the room when he looked at her?

There was no way she'd tell Serena any of _that;_ it would only lead to more questions. She didn't have an answer about whether she was starting to care for him, it all happened too fast for her to stop and think. All she knew was that she was confused.

At her friend's silence, Serena asked, "I'm _right,_ aren't I?"

"I _don't know,_ okay, S?!" Smoothing her dress with her hands, she sighed, "It's all too…"

"Complicated?" The blonde stared straight at her, "There seems to be a lot of that going around."

Walking over and opening her bedroom door, Blair gestured toward the exit. "And _you_ need to be _going._"

"Just remember, B…" Her friend said while walking toward the door, "Like you said, this isn't some random guy. It's Chuck; the same guy that doesn't sleep with the same girl more than once."

Stopping in the doorway, Serena smiled, "You managed to be the one to break that pattern. There's something strange going on here… but it's a _good_ kind of strange, you know?" Turning to go, the blonde said, "Let me know how it goes."

Watching her friend walk through the door, Blair stared off into the empty space the blonde had just left. When did ditzy Serena get so damn smart, anyway? What did _she_ know other than how Chuck has changed?

There were some valid points in Serena's parting words, though. They echoed through Blair's heart and struck some interesting chords. She _didn't_ want to mess this up; she actually was looking forward to seeing him tonight. How is it possible that the very thought of their time together made her blush? Something strange _was_ going on here and it _did_ feel good to know that she was the exception to Chuck's every rule. _Maybe_ there was something to the butterflies he felt, _maybe_ there wasn't, but she'd never know if she didn't open herself to actually finding out.

Exiting her room, she looked over the banister at Serena stepping into the elevator, "Serena?"

"Yeah, B?" The blonde head poked out of the elevator opening, a hand holding the doors to keep them from closing.

She smiled, "Do you wanna help me get ready?"

Her friend's answering smile was all she needed to see.

Heading back into her room, Blair walked to her vanity and wiped the pale pink gloss from her lips with a tissue. Grabbing the tube of Ruby Red lipstick, she smiled at her radiant expression in the usually unforgiving mirror. If she was going to give this thing with Chuck a real try, she knew exactly what to do about her dinner arrangements.

She ignored the barely noticeable flutters that she felt in her stomach from just thinking about it.

* * *

**A/N:** Well? How did I do? Let me know... in your review. (Ha-ha, that totally rhymed.)


	13. Optimistic

**A/N: **Yes, I did call hell to check the temperature, and it did freeze over. :lol: Another chapter? Within a few days? Totally. This gets a little sexual towards the end of the chapter, but it's not graphic like chapter eight so I'm leaving this as rated T. And this is un-beta'd because I didn't wanna wait. :P

BTW, this chapter is dedicated to **gleechild** seeing as how it tis her birthday today. Happy birthday girl, I hope you enjoy. :hug:

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Blair, Chuck, or Gossip Girl. If I did, Blair would realize that Nate is a whiney baby and Chuck is all the man a girl could ever need.

**Warnings: Rated T but may change to M in later chapters.**

* * *

IF ONLY

Chapter 13

"Optimistic"

* * *

Emerging from his bathroom wrapped in only a towel, Chuck was doing his best to stay calm. The closer he got to this dinner with Blair, the closer he got to turning tail and running.

He went about dressing in a robotic manner, consciously trying to keep his mind from going into panic mode. Stepping in front of the mirror to see how he'd done on autopilot, he started to shake his head at the image he presented: half turned down collar, mismatched button holes, and hair that could have doubled for a bird's nest. Add to that the shell-shocked, terrified look to his eyes and it was plain for anyone who cared to see that Chuck Bass was _actually_ nervous about dinner with a girl.

There was a time when someone could look into his eyes and know nothing of the thoughts inside his head; this whole thing with Blair had totally and irreversibly broken his control over that simple defense mechanism that used to come so easily.

Collars could be turned down, buttons could be realigned, hair could be combed and coated with product to keep it perfectly mussed… but his eyes would still betray the turmoil that racked his emotions.

After making the few minor adjustments to his outfit and repairing his hair, he actually struggled with whether to leave the top button undone or not. He could add an ascot to the ensemble easily, but would that be too much? Would it seem like he was trying too hard? A tie would definitely be going overboard.

Grabbing a navy blue ascot with tiny white polka dots from on of his drawers, he surveyed the finished product in the mirror again, deciding that the pale blue shirt and black slacks complimented the accessory well. He knew he looked good, but the normal confidence that came with that knowledge was absent.

Sighing in defeat, he grabbed his wallet and phone before walking out the door of his suite.

If he thought getting ready had been nerve-wracking, the drive over to Blair's was even worse. Sitting in the back of the limousine that still smelled slightly of the perfume that she wore the previous night, he found that his palms were sweaty when he wiped them down his pants.

This was getting ridiculous.

Gnashing his teeth together, he tried to ignore the nervous tremors in his stomach that were beginning to scare the hell out of him. Not because he knew they _should_ cause him to feel sick, but because they made him long to find out _what else_ she could make him feel. This whole experience was getting under his skin and driving him insane.

Arriving at Blair's he made the quick decision to calm his nerves the quickest way he knew how. He leaned against the building and smoked half a joint, being careful not to let the smoke cling to his clothes. Feeling a thousand times better, he stubbed out the burning end and shoved the rest in his pocket.

When he entered her foyer, all the lights were off; he looked around in the darkness for a moment until his eyes caught the light coming from her bedroom door at the top of the stairs. He climbed the stairs one by one while trying to keep his breathing at a normal pace. Reaching the door that was ajar just a crack, he pushed it open and his eyes fell on Blair.

She was sitting at a table set up in the room, with what was obviously dinner set up on top, and a lamp that served as the only light in the room. Her eyes caught his and she stood, walking over in a navy blue replica of the slip that she danced in for him in two nights ago and a pair of matching heels. Her chestnut hair was falling down over her shoulders, swaying gently as she approached him. She stopped, standing just a foot away, before greeting him softly, "Hi."

Looking in her deep brown eyes, he almost forgot to respond. "Hi," he quickly uttered, trying to recover from his faux pas. After what felt like an eternity of silence, he spoke up again, "This looks cozy, Waldorf." Gesturing to the room with his hand, he continued, "If I didn't know any better, I would think you were trying to seduce me."

"If you don't want to eat up here, we can take everything back downstairs," she teased while moving her body a few inches closer to him.

"You already went to all this trouble," he replied in the same flirty tone, bringing his hand up behind her neck. "That would be wasted effort that could be put to much _better_ use." She was looking up at him almost expectantly, so he brought his mouth to hers and kissed her.

Just as his tongue began to brush against hers, she jerked herself away. "We should eat," she said and practically darted across the room to the table, sitting down quickly.

He narrowed his eyes at her strange behavior, but followed to the table none-the-less. Sitting down across from her, he studied her nervous demeanor. Strange how she's skittish now when she had been flirting with him moments before. He fought the urge for as long as possible before asking, "What's wrong?"

Looking up at him, he watched her force a smile. "Nothing," the smile seemed frozen in place, "I just don't want to let the food get cold."

It was moments like these that he wished he didn't know her so well. She looked like a statue sitting across from him and no matter how hard he tried he couldn't resist pushing the issue when something was so obviously wrong. "Blair…"

"Can you just drop it, Chuck?" She gave him a pointed look before adding, "You don't want to know."

When she went to dishing out their food, he crossed his arms and pushed even further, "Maybe I want to know why you seemed so anxious to kiss me one minute and so _repulsed_ the next."

She threw her hands up in exasperation and spat, "Fine! It's because of your breath." Avoiding his eyes, she asked, "Okay?"

What was she talking about? Oh, the pot. "You have a problem with weed? You can't tell me that all the time you were dating…" Shit. He felt like a complete idiot for not dropping the subject like she asked. "So it's because it reminds you of--"

"Nate," she said softly. "Yeah, I _wanted_ a kiss…" Her eyes were everywhere but on his as she explained, "But you taste like _him._ And it's not fair if I'm kissing you, but thinking about him. To _either_ of us." When she looked up, he felt horrible for being such an ass; she looked so crestfallen.

They ate their dinner in silence, both ignoring the huge elephant in the room that he'd invited. Problem was, he wasn't hungry anymore. She was so obviously not over Nate and he kind of understood; they'd been together so long that it would take getting used to.

He spent the next twenty minutes pushing the food around on his plate, another line of questions nagging him: did she want to be kissing him? If she didn't, what were they even doing here? And why would she have even invited him over?

What the hell was going on in her head?

* * *

When Blair set up the dinner atmosphere, this was the last thing that she would have thought could've possibly happened. She figured that bringing their first night together to mind by wearing this slip instead of the dress that Serena had vetoed would be a happy medium between fairytale and seduction.

Nothing was supposed to go wrong. And definitely nothing like this was supposed to happen.

Why did he have to be so stubborn? He should have dropped it when she asked him to; they wouldn't be sitting in the uncomfortable silence that they were now if he had just listened. Hadn't she been convincing with her, 'it was nothing' routine?

She had to remember how well he could read her; he had a tendency to know more that was good for him, a talent that Nate didn't share. Then again, she usually had the same ability to read him. His current expression puzzled her, though.

He seemed upset.

She'd expected him to be uncomfortable, which would be why she didn't want to tell him her reason for pulling away, but discomfort was a long way from the distress that colored his features right now. It seemed as if he was punishing himself, pushing the food around on his plate like he'd lost his appetite.

Why did she feel like apologizing?

Before she could do anything, his eyes snapped up to hers on him and he abruptly asked, "Do you _want_ to be kissing _me_, Blair_?_" She was shocked by the unexpected question, so no words would come in response; she was speechless, realizing that he'd been stewing over it all this time. When she didn't respond, he averted his eyes and asked again, much gentler this time, "Do you?"

She didn't even think before breathing, "Yes," softly. There was no thinking required anymore; she went through all that with Serena earlier. Blair wanted to be here, with him, inexplicably. It was the reason she'd pulled away earlier, trying to get her head back into the moment so as not to rob herself of his company.

Chuck's eyes met hers again, as if he was unsure he'd heard her right. "You do?"

Nodding slowly, she watched as he left his chair so quickly that it almost fell to the floor. Blair automatically rose from her own seat and sighed with joy when his lips crashed down on hers eagerly. Whether it was the food he'd eaten masking what she'd tasted before or just that she was so relieved they'd gotten past that bump, the kiss was wonderful. His tenderness was uncharacteristic to be sure, but she was beginning to like it.

After a few moments of heated kisses, he pulled away slightly, "Have I told you how _ravishing_ you look tonight, Waldorf?"

There was a devilish gleam to his eye and she knew just how to respond: "What are you waiting for, Bass? _Ravish_ me, then."

"With pleasure," he groaned, backing her up to the bed and laying her down on it. His mouth found her neck and he kissed his way down to the neckline of her slip before remarking, "This looks familiar."

She giggled, "It should." Reaching down, she worked on the buttons to his shirt and it, along with his adorable ascot, was off within seconds. She could feel his warm hands working their way down her sides and up to the hem, his lips back on hers in a searing kiss that held nothing back. This wasn't going to be the gentle lovemaking session they'd had the night before, if she could even call it that.

When he figured out her surprise, she was almost assured there would be no holding back. The long fingers slipped under the silky material and burned a trail up her outer thighs, but didn't find the underwear they were looking to remove. She knew the exact moment he figured it out because he moaned in her mouth, "_Dammit,_ Blair..."

Smirking against his lips, she replied between kisses, "I take it… you approve?" Her hands were working on removing his pants, which did nothing to hide _how much_ he approved.

"Hell yes," he was groaning against her mouth as he shoved the waistband of his pants down in urgency, "_So_ fucking hot."

Knowing that she could make him this impatient was such a high that she couldn't see straight. Between his mouth on hers and his hands roaming every inch they could reach, she herself was getting more eager by the second. "Hurry, _Chuck…_" She knew she was gasping, but she couldn't care less at the moment.

A few seconds went by where she heard a wrapper and he was inside her within the minute. The perfect pleasure of being filled was stretching her imagination, causing her to hold on tightly and kiss him hard. The completion she felt was both terrifying and exhilarating beyond all reason.

The last coherent thought in her mind was the faintest hope that it would never grow old.

* * *

**A/N:** I hope the 'date' lived up to ya'll's expectations. As always, please review if you feel so inclined.


	14. Something Going Round

**A/N: **:sigh: Yes, it _has_ been awhile. This was tough to do without giving myself a sugar rush, but I think it works. Just remember that lovey-dovey spells a hard fall… eventually. ;)

BTW, we're still between Seventeen Candles and Blair Waldorf Must Pie. Hopefully that will change next chapter. And, warning, this is un-beta'd.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Blair, Chuck, or Gossip Girl. If I did, Blair would realize that Nate is a whiney baby and Chuck is all the man a girl could ever need.

**Warnings: Rated T but may change to M in later chapters.**

* * *

IF ONLY

Chapter 14

"Something Going Round"

* * *

For Chuck Bass there was only one word to describe the few weeks following that awkward dinner date with Blair: surreal. It quite perfectly fit the absurd idea that Blair Waldorf, former Snow White Queen Bee of Constance Billiards, was spending her school day afternoons and weekend nights in his arms. The word surreal also described neatly encompassed how, despite his normal playboy tendencies, she was the only woman he wanted to hear moaning his name time and again.

No matter how many times she came unraveled through his touch, he still craved her.

The whole situation was bizarrely perfect and he knew that it could change in an instant. This lazy Wednesday afternoon, which would seem normal to anyone else, was a pivotal point in his affair with the sleeping woman next to him. He was powerless to stop the change that was coming and a single mandatory conversation was all that it would take to turn the tides.

They'd been avoiding the subject of his Thanksgiving trip, and time was running out; he was leaving tonight. For the past few days an uncertainty had moved in on him to cloud his mind with worry about what he'd be coming back to. When he told her of his trip and she brushed it off like it didn't matter, he'd dropped the subject. Now that his departure was looming, so was the irrational urge to define his relationship with Blair and know whether this was the last time he'd hold her.

She was currently nestled up against his right side with her arm thrown over his stomach; her usual position after they'd worn each other out. The soft sound of her breathing as she slept was barely audible, with the occasional sigh interrupting the steady rhythm. Chocolate tendrils of her silky hair were curling wildly down around her neck and shoulders, brushing against his chest when she shifted in slumber. Most awe-inspiring part of the vision was the serene expression on her face, one which tugged at his supposedly non-existent heart. He couldn't stop himself from smoothing the hair from her face to get a better look, to brand the vision of her contentment at his side to his permanent memory.

Of course, this action caused her to stir and open her wide brown eyes, exposing his unusually tender adoration for her to criticize. A soft smirk stretched her lips as she asked teasingly, "See something you like, Chuck?"

Doing his best to ignore the slight mocking he could see in her otherwise jovial face, he captured her lips with his. He lazily traced the contours of her mouth with his tongue and only pulled away to allow her to gasp for breath. The smirk she had worn was now on his face as he replied throatily, "That answer your question?"

The fire in her eyes matched the mischievous look on her face when she slid her naked form over his to straddle his lap. His mind and body were warring about letting this continue; they needed to talk about his trip, but he tended to forget things when she was nibbling on his jaw like that. And it was even more difficult to concentrate on words when her breasts were in full view.

In the end, he decided that twenty or so minutes more of avoiding the inevitable couldn't hurt as much as stopping her would. Just as he'd made the decision to switch off his mind and reciprocate, Blair collapsed on top of him and buried her face in his neck. "What are we doing here?"

Her mumbled question was so timid that he was sure he hadn't heard her right. Wrapping his arms around her waist, he traced her spine gently with his fingertips and breathed distractedly, "Hmm?"

The violence with which she wrenched herself from his embrace shook him from his haze. "Never mind," she spat as she rolled away from him and left the bed, grabbing her discarded clothes as she went.

Sitting up, now that he was coherent, he grabbed her wrist as she attempted to untangle her tights from the bed sheets. "Blair," her eyes met his warily while he continued, "I didn't hear you. Really." It was all he could do to ignore her nude body to make her see he was serious.

It must have worked because she abandoned her stocking rescue mission and crawled back onto the bed. "I asked," she sighed, "What we we're doing here."

Walking his fingers up her arm to tangle in her hair, he tried to lead her face back down to his. "You mean other than spending an enormous amount of time naked?" Truth was, he knew what she was probably talking about, but he wanted her to be the one to bring it up.

Instead of the smile his comment was meant to bring, Blair's face morphed into a frown, "I'm serious, Chuck." She pulled away and fixed him with an irked gaze, so far from her previous flirty mood.

"So am I... I'm also not complaining." He was confused, but he wouldn't betray that. Why was she being difficult? He couldn't talk to her like this; sated, happy Blair was the person he needed to speak with. The one that would forget all but the important points of the embarrassing conversation they needed to have.

His attempt at their usual banter must have fallen flat because she pulled herself away from his touch again. "Forget it!" Throwing up her hands, she turned to swing her legs over the side of the bed and pulled her previously located skirt up her legs. "I should have known better than to try to talk to you about something other than... well, nothing since we hardly say a word to each other."

"_Hard-_ly?" The half-heartedly lewd question failed, again, to snag her attention away from her mission to leave him. She was content just a few minutes ago, what had he done wrong now? And how could he fix it so he wouldn't have to leave like this?

"Don't even go there, Chuck." Her shirt was on now and the warning light in his brain was blazing, so he grabbed his boxers to slip on just in case he had to chase her. Please, _anything_ but that.

Jumping down to the floor, he tried to catch her arm as she made her way past the foot of the bed. "Wait…"

She pulled it from his grasp determinedly. "No, I give up," she practically growled, "Have fun in Chicago. Don't forget to text me the details about your orgies with the hotel staff."

Catching her, he desperately brought her body close to his and wrapped his arms around her tight. Peppering a few soft kisses up along her jaw, he whispered into her ear, "Maybe if you were a little more specific?" She was starting to relax, so he kept using his tender interrogation technique, "Your question could be about so many things."

Her reply sounded hesitant and soft to his ears, "If you truly have no clue what I was trying to say, then I really have been wasting my time." Brown eyes met his warily, but she made no move to leave him. Obviously she would wait for a reply this time, but what could he say?

Taking a deep breath, he went for it as best he could: "You really think I'd be having orgies with hotel sluts when I have you waiting for me here?" Chuckling nervously, he amended, "At least I wish you'd wait… I was really enjoying that I was the only one you'd allowed inside." Sure, he'd been notorious for his one-night stands, but he thought she understood she was different. Did she think he fought this hard to keep any other girl from leaving?

Her eyes bugged open wide as she processed his words, "So… what does that mean?"

"Whatever this is that 'we've been doing' is a first for me, so I don't know." He shrugged, loosening his hold on her and smirked, "You're the relationship expert around here."

"Excuse me?" Blair's disbelieving scoff would have startled him if he hadn't been prepared for anything, but the words that followed it managed to sting him. "Sorry, I thought I just heard Chuck Bass say the word 'relationship.' I must be hallucinating."

Now he felt like walking away; how could she respond like that when he'd been so open? "And I must have imagined you wanted to have a serious conversation," dropping his arms, he tried to keep the discomfort from his face as he met her glare.

His distance away from her, almost a foot, must have brought her back to reality, "Chuck…" The face she wore now closely resembled her contented one, but with a little more worry added to the mix, "I didn't expect for you to listen. I thought you'd fight for your freedom and all that other macho-bullshit you always pull." She sighed, "The conversation never got this far in my head."

"I'm macho-bullshit-free, right now…" he brushed a stray lock of hair away from her face, "And, by your definition, I think I have been ever since this thing between us got complicated." It appeared that, now that he'd been honest, he couldn't stop. He wanted to roll his eyes at himself, but he didn't; it would send the wrong message to Blair.

"Complicated, huh?" She giggled at something he didn't understand, "Seems like that really _is_ something that's been going around."

Raising his eyebrows, he asked, "What?"

She smiled fondly, "Just something that Serena said."

A light went on over his head, "Speaking of things that Serena says…" She glanced at him warily as he continued, "We never talked about it, that first night. Was it really…"

There seemed to be a decision going on behind her eyes before she asked, "Special?" She placed her hand over his that was resting on her cheek and gave it a light squeeze. "Yes; that night… and every one after it." A shy smile crossed her mouth as she turned his hand over and threaded her fingers through his, "But I don't know if I'm ready for a steady relationship, yet."

Letting their entwined hands fall, Chuck used his free hand to trace the side of her face with his thumb. "Yet?" He asked uncertainly, "So, where does that leave us?"

"How does dating, exclusively, sound?" The big question, the one that he'd been anticipating for at least a week now, was finally asked and followed up with a smiling kiss to the inside of his palm.

He couldn't stop the grin from blossoming at her timid request. "A lot like a relationship, actually…" he snickered, but changed his tone at her dulled eyes. "But, I'll take it. As long as it means there will be hot 'I missed you' sex waiting for me when I get back." Kissing her forehead, he put himself out there, yet again, "Because I'll miss you."

Blair's free arm wrapped around him and her head was lying against his shoulder before she breathed, "I'll miss you, too."

* * *

When they'd fallen back into bed together, Blair hadn't been surprised. The emotional side of vulnerability was never her specialty, but the physical aspect had come so easy with Chuck. It was like she could read his thoughts through his touch almost better than he could bare them verbally.

Then again, she would have never expected him to be so open with her and accept a commitment so easily. He'd been more willing to be official than she was, and that was big. Blair Waldorf had been in an unofficial relationship since Kindergarten and, like Chuck said himself, was considered to be an expert on the subject.

Sure, some time had passed since that first brazen kiss, but she wasn't ready to be a girlfriend again. This thing with Chuck had given her a taste of carefree attachment, if there was such a thing, and she liked it. Having him to spend her time with, not having to put up appearances or be the mature one, was an enjoyable side of dating that she'd never experienced.

If this were Nate she was lying against right now, she'd be worried about her hair or how awful her make-up must look. With Chuck she didn't concern herself with her appearance because he somehow managed to worship every part of her. Being naked around Chuck was natural and she'd never felt more happy or comfortable in her own skin.

It was only her fear of losing their budding romance that made her try talking to him about his imminent absence. She didn't know what kind of future they could possibly have, but there was something about the way he looked at her that told her not to count him out.

If he tried, he could be the prince she'd always thought Nate to be. As much as this connection between them had done for her self worth, she thought she might owe him the chance to try if he wanted it.

They didn't speak much after coming together one last time before he had to leave. One glance at the clock told them it was about the time for his dreaded departure. He'd dressed wordlessly as she'd watched from his bed, admiring the subtle sinews of his muscles flexing as he made putting his arm though a sleeve into an art form.

There was something nameless about him that made her smile and laugh and beg and fight for him. And she _was_ going to miss him while he was gone.

Grabbing the sheet from the bed, the one dislodged during their most recent round, she wrapped herself in it and followed him to the door. He held a single carry-on bag in his right hand and a wistful smile on his face. "It's official, Waldorf… you turn me on no matter what you wear."

Tilting up onto her tip-toes, she brushed her lips against his and whispered softly, "Bye, Chuck."

His free arm was around her in a second, crushing her to him for another kiss. When he finally released her, he groaned, "Man, I wish my dad wasn't waiting in the limo."

"I don't think he needs that show," she teased and kissed his cheek.

He rolled his eyes, "I agree. But feel free to plan any kind of show you want for when I get back."

"Unfortunately my mom will still be home," she sighed dramatically and smirked.

Looking a little uncertain he smiled, "Then feel free to use the key on the coffee table… I revoked Nathaniel's crashing privileges." His eyes studied her closely, most likely waiting for a reaction to her ex-boyfriend's name.

"Be good and, you never know…" she walked her fingers up his chest, "Maybe I'll use it."

He kissed her again and she tried to ignore the fluttering in her stomach that had grown stronger with each day they kissed. "Goodbye, Blair," he pulled away and slowly backed out the open door with a smile on his face.

Watching him walk a few steps down the hallway, she let the door drift shut before he could turn around to catch her.

Step by step she came back to the bed and climbed in, rolling to her back to stare at the ceiling. The overwhelming sent of him surrounding her sent the butterflies she could no longer avoid having absolutely wild.

Yep, there was definitely something about Chuck that was contagious… Butterflies had never been her thing.

* * *

**A/N:** I must have needed fluff… because this is practically oozing it. :lol: I hope you enjoyed it and that I haven't completely ruined my characterizations. Let me know, please!


	15. Get Up and Go

A/N: Here it is: the first chapter of Blair Waldorf Must Pie. I know... FINALLY! :D I'm sorry if this isn't quite up to par. I really struggled to write this chapter for some reason. Hopefully next chapter will be better. Oh, and I know I didn't respond to my reviews from last chapter, but I figured ya'll would rather have the new chapter than replies. I hope I wasn't wrong.

**Thanks to Sharon and Tatiana for helping me get through this chapter.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Blair, Chuck, or Gossip Girl. If I did, Blair would realize that Nate is a whiney baby and Chuck is all the man a girl could ever need.**

**Warnings: Rated T but may change to M in later chapters.**

* * *

IF ONLY

Chapter 15

"Get Up and Go"

* * *

When the morning light drifted in through the curtains and fell on Blair's sleeping form, she tried to ignore it. Sighing, she rolled over and instantly regretted the reflex; the emptiness in her stomach at finding the other side of the bed cold and empty caused her to groan. Her brain knew that she would be alone, that _he_ was out of town, but her body had grown accustomed to the feel of him next to her, so the habit formed.

How did she let herself get so attached?

She shouldn't have been so used to waking up next to Chuck. When they'd begun the thing formerly known as a fling, she'd told herself it was just for fun; purely physical. It wasn't supposed to be so easy to be herself around him, to flirt with him, or to laugh so freely; he was supposed to be her escape from the emotional, but now she found herself tied to the idea of what the future could bring.

A future possibly including Chuck Bass; her ex-boyfriend's best friend, her partner in crime, her dependable companion who had begun wriggling his way through her defenses and into her heart. What if, once he got in there, he broke it? She knew he was in deep, his willingness to be tied to her, even as loosely as they had agreed to be tied last night, was uncharacteristic and obviously brought on by deeper feelings than friendship.

The problem with involving something as fickle as emotions was that someone _would_ get hurt in the end.

At first, she had been willing to allow _his_ feelings to be hurt; it wasn't that she was leading him on, exactly, but everyone had to experience heartbreak once in their lives, right? It was part of living and learning.

She hadn't _expected_ to develop feelings for _him._

Now she couldn't bear the thought of causing him that kind of pain, one that she knew all too well.

Disgusted with herself and her poor attempt at guarding her recently recovering heart, she threw herself from the covers of her bed and marched to the shower. Under the hot water she continued her inner tirade about her failures, scrubbing her hair roughly as a form of punishment. She was so angry at the situation that she could spit.

The only reason she didn't was the fact that Waldorfs don't _spit_.

When she exited the shower, wrapping herself in a towel, and stood in front of the mirror to chew her self out for being so _utterly_ _stupid_, her negative thoughts came to a grinding halt. Her reflection in the slightly fogged mirror was the way it always looked after a shower: sopping wet hair and flushed skin. The one difference, the sight that stopped her jaunt down the road to regretting ever _meeting_ Chuck Bass, was the tiny spot on her collar bone in the shape of his mouth.

She couldn't bring herself to call it what any other teenager would; hickey was such a crass word. A _mark_ like this one was so much more monumental then the usual sign of a _normal_ teenagers' lack of restraint. No matter how much she tried to fight the thought, for Blair there was another, more fitting, term for it…

Love bite.

Running her fingers over the tiny bruise, the memories of how _right_ yesterday had felt came flooding back; every kiss, every touch more precious than the last. They'd _finally_ talked, honesty overflowed, and they'd said goodbye ferociously when he'd _only_ be gone a few days. Even more cherished was his voice on the phone when he called to let her know his plane arrived and then she'd lain in bed talking to him for two hours without batting an eyelash.

They'd barely hung up when the text message came from his side, reflecting the timid sentiment they'd exchanged earlier that day: 'I miss you.'

The hope she'd felt, reading those three words after all that had been spoken between them, wouldn't _let_ her hesitate in sending back the appropriate response with a smile.

Maybe she'd never see in her bathroom mirror the beauty that he claimed she possessed, but she knew she never felt more beautiful than when he told her of it.

The unalterable truth was that she couldn't _make_ herself regret this. It might not have been meant to happen this way in that fairytale she'd always dreamed she would someday live, but it did. She _was_ moving on; defining her relationship with Chuck had been the first step.

Somehow Blair was thinking less and less of Nate every day that she cautiously considered Chuck _hers._

* * *

The slow pace of Blair's descent turned to a rush downstairs at the sight of the large table that had been set up. How could she have forgotten the date? Her father was coming for Thanksgiving and it had completely slipped her mind!

A little voice inside her head whispered a certain boy's name in explanation as to why she'd overlooked the day's significance and her smile grew a little larger.

With thoughts of how great this day had the potential to be, she rushed into the kitchen to find the only thing it was missing: her father's signature Pumpkin Pie recipe. Going through drawers and books that Darota would be sure to scold her for rearranging later, she didn't hear the elevator ding.

A voice she knew _very_ well exclaimed, "Happy Thanksgiving, B!"

Blair spared a second of her search for a glance at Serena, a smile on her face, "Happy Thanksgiving, S!" Sitting at the kitchen island, rifling though a book, she continued, "I have to find this recipe before my dad gets here."

A chair scraped the floor while her friend took a seat next to her. "Harold Waldorf's Famous Pumpkin Pie!"

Looking up with a laugh, Blair mouth lifted in a grin, "Well, it may have been Bobby Flay's, but that didn't stop my dad from taking credit for it." She couldn't keep the excitement out of her voice when she squealed excitedly, "It's gonna be _perfect!_"

Serena smiled back, "Look at you! Quite the chipper Sous Chef."

"Well, I'm in a good mood!" At Serena's smirk, Blair rolled her eyes jokingly, "It happens; sometimes because I increase my Lexapro, sometimes because my dad's in town."

"And sometimes, mostly, because things are good with a boy." Tilting her head to the side, the blonde asked hesitantly, "What's Chuck doing today?"

Feigning innocence, Blair asked, "Why are you asking me?" She pursed her lips, trying to look upset, "We may be _dating,_ but it doesn't mean that I have Lo-Jack on him or anything."

When Serena's mouth dropped open, Blair couldn't contain her grin. "What, S?"

"DATING??" Flabbergasted, the blonde's eyes were wide as she asked, "You actually got Chuck Bass to commit to a relationship? When?!"

Laughing gaily at her friend's reaction, she explained, "Yesterday, before he left. We took a short break from our _usual_ activities and talked about whether we were going to keep seeing each other when he got back." She sighed contentedly and went on, "And, let me tell you, the sex _after_ the talking was more amazing…"

Serena cut her off before she could go on too far; "I really don't need _another_ reason to go to therapy, Blair, so please keep comments about sex with _Chuck_ to a minimum?"

At the blonde's visible shiver, Blair giggled and mockingly responded, "Okay, I'll try."

"So, B…" Her friend began seriously, "Does this mean you're going to tell Nate?"

Blair felt all of her good humor disappear, wiping her face devoid of emotion. "Why would I do that?"

"Don't you think you _should?_" Serena's discomfort was apparent in the way she avoided Blair's eyes, "Now that you're not _just_ fooling around?"

Trying to change the subject because she _really_ didn't want to talk about this when she'd been having such a good day, she replied, "Oh, we're still _fooling around…_"

Serena blanched at her comment, "You've been spending too much time with him if you're trying to distract me like that. Be serious, Blair."

Sighing heavily at her friend, Blair replied, "I am, S. Nate and I have been over for a couple weeks now; I'm under no obligation to tell him I've moved on." It wasn't any of his business who she was spending her time with. Blair was beginning to wish that not even Serena knew; if it was still a secret, they wouldn't be having this premature conversation.

"It's only a matter of time before you and Chuck slip up and Gossip Girl gets a hold of something," Serena pointed out, reaching to hold Blair's hand on the counter. "Don't you want Nate to hear _from you _that you've moved on to _his best friend, _rather than from someone else?"

Blair snatched her hands away in indignation and spat, "Oh, you mean the way that _you_ told me about what happened between you and Nate when I was _still dating him?_" If this were any other person, Blair would have congratulated them on their guts. The high horse from which Serena seemed to think she was speaking just pissed her off, though.

Rubbing her forehead in exasperation, the blond groaned, "That's not the issue here."

"You're right, it's not… but it doesn't make it any less hypocritical of you to be nagging me about this." Fixing Serena with a glare, Blair attempted to close the subject: "Nate and I are over; I don't owe him anything." She really didn't, at least not until she was sure this relationship with Chuck was going to last. It was unnecessary to involve her ex and his possible hurt over the news when she didn't know how long Chuck was capable of being tied down. If they kept it together for a while, they would tell Nate _together._

Apparently, her best friend was more thick-headed than usual this morning. "It's going to _hurt_ him if it doesn't come from you or Chuck."

"S..." Blair shook her head, deciding to just point out the obvious since the other girl was obviously not going to put the pieces together on her own. "I _doesn't _matter who it comes from; _nothing_ hurts more than sleeping with the best friend." Maybe _that_ will get through to her.

"Nice one, Blair," her friend replied, wounded. "Way to prove a point."

It's about time she caught on. "Did I _finally_ prove my point?" Blair asked sarcastically, "Well, I learned _that_ particularly hurtful lesson from the master."

"If you're going to _purposefully_ make the same _mistake_ I did, then I'd say the student's become the master."

She could still see the pleading behind Serena's eyes, the tanned hands inching their way back toward her own. How could the blonde think that trying to protect someone she _did_ still care about was a _mistake?_ Nate _didn't_ have to know yet; it wasn't necessary!

Why couldn't Serena just leave it alone and let her enjoy her newfound happiness? Then it hit Blair like a ton of bricks; maybe it was her good fortune that was the problem.

"Oh, I see..." Her tone was caustic and she hoped it burned in her _friend's _perfect ears, "For someone who's _supposedly_ my best friend, you really _can't_ stand for me to be happy, can you?!"

To her credit, Serena had the sense to look surprised. "_WHAT?_"

"I must not be allowed, since you've been trying to steal it away from me since you got here." Standing up, Blair pointed in the direction of the elevator. "I don't need your _selfish_ games and negativity here today; please _leave_."

Serena stood up as well, looking confused. "But Blair, I-"

"Just go," she stood with her hands on her hips, barely controlling her rage, "You're no longer welcome here."

Amazingly enough, Eleanor decided to make her appearance just in time to miss the whole conversation. "Blair, darling, are you going to help me at all?" Turning to the blonde she asked with a smile, "Serena, do you know when your mother's arriving?" How she didn't sense the tension in the room was a mystery.

Serena didn't smile back. "She's not," she answered softly. "We're not doing Thanksgiving here anymore."

Eleanor asked in surprise, "Oh! Why?"

Eyes boring through the girl who was supposed to be her best friend, Blair stated simply, "Because I uninvited them."

Stifling her smile of triumph, Blair watched as Serena grabbed her purse from the counter then turned to leave. "Happy Holidays, Eleanor."

When the blonde was out of sight, it was suddenly very apparent that there were extra people in the unusually noisy apartment. A uniformed person rushed past Blair and she turned to her mother in shock. "Caterers? What's going on here?"

The patronizing look on her mother's face was so annoying. "Everyone is getting ready for our lovely dinner and you should be too," Eleanor replied.

"Everyone except Daddy." Her mother's face went blank and Blair felt her stomach drop, "Where is he?"

"I thought you knew," the older woman sighed.

Blair twisted her features to mirror her mother's blank facade. "Knew what?"

"Your father isn't coming," Eleanor reached out to touch her shoulder as she spoke. "He didn't tell you?" Scoffing, she went on to explain, "He decided to stay in Paris. He's got either too much work or Roman is too much work. Who knows?"

The disappointment was too heavy to keep out of her voice when Blair responded in futility, "I don't understand; if he wasn't coming why wouldn't he just call me and tell me himself?"

"Darling," her mother smiled sadly, "You should know by now that your father is not a fan of the difficult conversation. Now, why don't you run along and change into something a little more enchanting." Was it really impossible for her father to pick up a phone? He knew how important this day was, so did her mother. What was _her_ excuse for not warning her?

Turning in defeat, her once wonderfully perfect day destroyed by her loved ones and their many issues, Blair headed upstairs to get dressed for the party that she wished she could avoid attending.

After her initial heartbreak over her dad's absence from their special day, _and_ a change of clothes, a quiet fury began to boil in her brain. "Ugh! How could he just blow me off?!" She groaned to Dorota, who was helping her with her outfit, "Thanksgiving is our ritual! You know he didn't even call? How hard is it to pick up the phone?"

"Miss Blair," the maid began cautiously, "maybe _you_ pick up phone. Call your papa. Maybe he tell you the real story."

Meeting her long-time companion's suspicious eyes in the mirror, her curiosity was peaked. "Real story?"

"With pearls," Dorota concluded, leaving to fetch the proper accessory.

Blair stared at her reflection and nodded in quick decision; obviously she was missing something. If Dorota said there was another story, then Blair was going to be making a phone call to France.

Dorota had a knack for being right.

* * *

Starring out at the Chicago skyline, Chuck decided that it wasn't anything special. Sure, the afternoon sun was reflecting off the buildings visible from his suite's window, glass glittering and metal shining, but it didn't have anything that New York couldn't offer him. There was nothing new to draw him to it like Monaco, with the pure beaches and exotic cuisine. Then again, even Monaco wasn't really all that interesting anymore.

Maybe he should just own up to the one quality that only New York possessed and get on with it. It shouldn't be so difficult to accept that he'd done nothing but think of _her_ since he left.

The plane ride with his father the night before had been boring, so he'd spent the time deciding whether to call Blair or text her. Arriving at the hotel, the two men split off into the separate rooms that his father had booked them, as was the usual routine. It hadn't dawned on him to tell his father that it wouldn't be necessary for him to have a private room; he could have saved the money and just gotten them a suite with separate bedrooms.

As preoccupied as Chuck was with thoughts of Blair, he couldn't have concentrated on seducing another woman if he'd wanted to. And he _didn't_ want to; wasn't the least bit interested in the idea, in fact.

All he wanted to do was get on the plane and back to her.

Talking to her on the phone the previous night had assuaged the longing to be with her… slightly. Her voice warming him even though his bed felt empty. He could barely remember what they'd talked about now, but it'd been a comfort to know that they still had their warped version of a friendship. Even if there was a new shade of familiarity now that they were lovers as well.

It was easier to get used to this relationship thing than he thought it'd be.

Turning from the window, the view, and the thoughts of who wasn't in one of the buildings surrounding him, he sighed. Time for sitting through dinner with his father and trying to force conversation; it made him roll his eyes just to think of it.

Grabbing his phone, he turned it over in his hand a few times. Should he call Blair before he left to wish her a Happy Thanksgiving? It seemed like a good idea; he just wished that he wasn't so clueless about the uncharted waters he was now sailing in.

Before he could change his mind, he pressed speed dial number three on his phone and felt instantly better about his decision when it began to ring.

* * *

**A/N:** Another chapter over and out! Please let me know what you thought.


	16. Broken Angel

**A/N: **Ya'll have been waiting a long time for this next chapter and, truthfully, I had trouble with it. This hasn't been beta'd or read over by anyone but me for a second opinion... so please take it easy on me.

**Disclaimer:**** I don't own Gossip Girl's Chuck Bass or Blair Waldorf... I just like to put words in their mouths and knock sense into their stubborn heads.**

* * *

If Only

Chapter 16

"Broken Angel"

* * *

For a day that started out so right, suddenly everything was so wrong.

Blair was sitting next to her mother at the dinner table, playing the perfect society daughter, and silently seething over the phone call she'd made to her father. It really shouldn't have surprised her when he was relieved to hear from her, happy to find out that she was 'no longer so upset with him.' It was then that he'd filled her in on the conversation he'd had with Eleanor about his trip stateside for Thanksgiving.

It was those details of betrayal by the woman who gave birth to her--who knew how much she looked forward to her father's visit--that caused the fury that now flowed through her.

For about fifteen minutes now all she'd done was stare at her plate of food, which seemed to be mocking her. She was so upset with her mother that she could barely see straight, let alone eat. Sitting in silence seemed to be all she was capable of at the moment; if she opened her mouth, there was no telling what she would say to her mother. It was best that she sat obediently still and quiet, leaving any altercations with her mother for later when company had left.

She just had to remember to keep breathing through the fury.

Eventually, her mother figured out she wasn't making idle conversation. "Blair, you haven't touched your food," she reached out and ran her hand through Blair's curls.

Blair, on the other hand, was not in the mood for the rare placating touch. "I'm not hungry," she said evenly, shirking away from the proffered hand.

Its owner was taken aback; "My darling, what has gotten into you?"

"Well, I was going to wait until after dinner, but I guess now is as good a time as any." Turning to face her mother, she asked vehemently, "Did you call Daddy and say that I didn't want to see him this Thanksgiving?" Just as she'd thought, once her mouth opened, she cut right to the chase.

Scoffing, her mother replied adamantly, "Of _course_ not! What a ridiculous accusation!"

Oh, Eleanor really shouldn't have denied what Blair knew to be true. "So you didn't tell him that I was _so angry _at him for leaving that I didn't even want to _talk_ to him today?" Leaning toward the older woman, she pointed at her as she added, "You had _no right _to un-invite him."

"When are you gonna get it through your head?" Leaning toward her, her mother spat, "He _left_ us!"

Blair's voice turned to ice, "He didn't leave us, _Mother_, he left _you_."

The hurt on her Eleanor's face, for the milli-second that it showed, almost made Blair regret throwing that particular barb. It was obvious to her that she'd learned her sparring abilities from her mother, as well as her need for control. The human emotion was gone from the other woman's face almost as quickly as it appeared, leaving only the faint memory it ever existed.

"That's enough, Blair," Eleanor closed the subject neatly and then wrapped it with a bow. "If wanna take this up with me, we can discuss it later, after our guests have left. Right now you either eat or you leave the table."

Any semblance that Blair had of control over her emotions was gone with that order. "I _told_ you, I'm _not hungry_," she shoved herself away from the table and stood before her mother got it into her head that Blair could still be treated like a child that refused to eat their vegetables. Her eating habits were not the issue here, her mother's loyalties were.

It was obvious to Blair that Eleanor would rather save face in front of her guests than settle a rift with her daughter _before_ it could become a chasm.

A secret, almost vindictive gleam shown in her mother's eyes as she suggested, "Maybe dessert will change your mind." If her mother had been anyone else, she would have smacked the knowing smirk off of Eleanor's face with her words.

Instead, all Blair could do was gape at the older Waldorf's gall; what the hell was she thinking, goading her? The first word was all that slipped out before Blair stopped herself; _"What?!"_

The way that her mother answered was not a suggestion, it was an order and one that left nothing open for interpretation; the meaning was crystal clear. "Choose one of those _amazing_ desserts," Eleanor drawled in response, seemingly daring Blair to defy her.

Her mother, of all people, knew that Blair's issues with change and loosing control _drove_ her to try and re-gain it. The phone call to her father was one way of trying to capture the reins from Eleanor's manipulative hands, but there was _another _way, one that Blair had used many times before.

One that her mother must have known she was driving Blair to yearn for at this very moment. If the older woman didn't realize what she was doing, then Blair doubted her sanity. It was so obvious to anyone who knew about Blair's former condition that it was wrong to go down this path.

Blood was boiling underneath the surface of Blair's skin as she grabbed something from the dessert cart without even a glance to see what.

Tempting a bulimic to escape from the situation, to take back control, was not a wise thing.

She stormed into the kitchen, pie in both hands, and slammed it down on the counter with a clang. Darota was watching her steadily, obviously concerned, but Blair only waited a few seconds before dismissing her with a glare. Her maid was worried for her well being, but Blair knew as she picked up the fork, and stabbed the apple pie with it, that the mood she was in was nowhere close to well; it was familiar territory.

The tight control of her life that she fought so hard to maintain was slipping through her fingers and the different ways that those vital reins were wrenched from her grasp over the course of the day were flashing though her head. Thanksgiving had started out so promising, it was the day her Dad was finally coming back home, but everything had quickly fallen apart around her. Serena had tried telling her how to handle her relationship with Chuck, Eleanor had told her father not to come, told her to go get dressed in something more presentable, to eat her dinner or leave the table.

Her mother told her to do _this_, her mother told her to do _that_; it seemed like the woman was in control over _everything_ where Blair was concerned, meaning that Blair wasn't.

The worst offense of all was her mother's insistence that she eat dessert; Eleanor practically forced her, demanding that she take the pie to the kitchen.

It was all too much.

All too suddenly Blair heard the clink of the fork as she dropped it into the empty plate. She felt full and disgusting and used; she was her mother's plaything… at least that's how she felt.

Dropping the pie plate unceremoniously onto the counter, she turned around and caught her reflection in the glass on the microwave, her visage distorted by the thickness of the glass. It made her look like a caricature of the beautiful girl that everyone, even Chuck, insisted they could see, but she didn't believe existed. The sight of cheeks that were just a little bit too chubby and a chin that appeared to be on the verge of being double…

The need to take back what her mother had stolen from her, that control of her own life that Blair _needed_, drove her upstairs, into her bathroom, and on her knees.

After ridding her body of the pie that she couldn't even remember tasting, her relief was very short-lived.

In taking control, she'd lost it.

Tears welled up in her eyes as she sank down to sit on the floor, pulling her knees up to her chest and wrapping her arms around them. She cried into the hem of her skirt, wishing that someone had been there to hold her while she did so, someone to tell her that everything was alright… even if that was a lie.

After a few moments of wallowing in just how out of control her life felt at that moment, she glanced up and saw her phone. It was lying there on the bathroom counter, the place where she'd left it that morning while she was getting dressed rather than it being with her as it always was. Leaning forward, she pulled it towards her and grabbed it, rolling it over in her hands, trying to work up the courage to call Serena. Even though they'd fought that morning, she knew that the blonde would come running; she was still her best friend. All it took was a few code words and any disagreement would be pushed aside, made insignificant by the seriousness of the situation.

On one of her phone's revolutions in her hands, she looked down just in time to see the little light blinking, the one that indicated she had a message. Opening the device, she found out that she had one missed call from Chuck, a call that came about fifteen minutes ago…

Just as she was shoving pie into her mouth.

Her hands started to shake as she pressed the 'one' button down to call her voicemail, then the 'loudspeaker' key, and that was all it took for the room to be filled with Chuck's voice, echoing off the bathroom walls.

"_Hi… I thought it appropriate that I call and wish you a Happy Thanksgiving, but it seems you're too busy with your holiday festivities to pick up the phone. I hope you're having a good enough day for the both of us, since the dinner I'm about to suffer through with Bart will most definitely be less then enjoyable. I would ask you to say hello to your father for me, but I think it may reveal our secret. I don't think our dating would come as a surprise to him; there was that time when he found us in your room planning some deserving soul's social demise and he gave me an odd look… but never mind. This message is already the longest I've ever left. I guess all this is to say that I'm eagerly awaiting any naked plans that you've concocted for you, that gorgeous body of yours, and I to celebrate my return. Oh... and that I miss you. I guess I'll talk to you tonight._"

When the electronic voice asked her whether she wished to save or delete the message, she hit the save key and hung up. Her head was resting against the bathroom wall, tears still running down her face, and suddenly that urge to be held morphed into a yearning that Chuck's father hadn't forced Chuck to leave town so that _he_ could be here. Right now she wanted nothing more than that.

If Chuck _had_ been in town, if there'd been no hotel to investigate, he might have been at this dinner. She and Chuck probably would have been so busy trying not to touch each other under the table that she wouldn't have paid any attention to her mother.

In fact, if she'd _only_ had her phone on her when she was downstairs, she might not have relapsed; she would have picked up the phone. Ignoring the call was something she didn't see herself doing, no matter how upset she was. That, in itself, spoke volumes about what kind of role she'd allowed him to take, how important he'd become…

Staring up at the ceiling, she numbly pressed the 'two' key on her phone to call Serena. There would be plenty of time to wish Chuck's arms were around her while she waited for her best friend to show.

* * *

**A/N:** Well, there's my best attempt. I hope it wasn't too much or trying too hard, but I wanted to show what I think Blair's thoughts would be through her relapse. I've never been bulimic and I don't pretend to know the exact thing that happens to trigger an episode, I just know what I think _my_ version of Blair would experience. Hopefully it'll go over well. Please let me know.


	17. I've Been Down

**A/N: **Thank you so much for all the reviews thus far… everyone's been so amazing and I love to hear your feedback on my writing. This is a pretty long story, so I want to thank everyone for hanging in there with me… and let you know that it's far from over. ;) Kinda like Chuck and Blair.

**Special Thanks** to the lovely Vanessa for the last minute beta-job; you're the best internet wifey a girl can have. :kiss: Love you!

**Disclaimer: I don't own Gossip Girl's Chuck and Blair; I just like to put words in their mouths and knock sense into their stubborn heads for my own obsessive enjoyment.**

* * *

If Only

Chapter 17

"I've Been Down"

* * *

About an hour after the phone call to her best friend Blair heard the soft knock on the outside of her bathroom door. After a second, a softly spoken, "Hey, it's me," followed in her best friend's voice.

While waiting, Blair sat on her bathroom floor thinking about what she'd done and what had brought her to this point in her previously perfect day and listening to Chuck's voicemail a few more times. Every time she played the message back, she caught another nervous nuance in his voice and it made her smile.

Serena would've been there sooner, but she was coming from her first Brooklyn Thanksgiving, with her boyfriend's family. Contrary to popular belief, it doesn't take ten minutes to cross the bridge.

When the blonde let herself into the bathroom, she didn't waste time in sitting down next to Blair on the floor and putting her arms around her. The moment of silence that followed was broken by the only thing that Blair could think to say: "I didn't mean for it to happen." She'd been staring at the wall since Serena had finally shown up, but she still couldn't look at her. The shame she felt over her relapse was enormous, and she was afraid that her friend's eyes would only criticize her lack of control.

When Serena's hand guided Blair's head to face hers, the blue eyes peering into Blair's brown ones were full of sympathy as Serena stated, "I didn't see your dad downstairs."

Heaving a sigh of relief at not seeing the judgment she'd expected in her friend's eyes, Blair tilted her head to rest against her friend's shoulder before speaking, "My mother just decides everything, you know? Everything in the world is just totally up to her." A tear slipped down her cheek and onto Serena's shirt, "It's like I'm never supposed to make my own decisions, everyone wants to live my life for me."

It was the blonde's turn to sigh as she responded, "I'm sorry about this morning, B." Blair lifted her head to meet her friend's gaze as Serena took her hands with her own. "I _want_ you to be happy; I was just trying to help you make sure it lasts. I just think that, even with as happy as you looked this morning, it can't last until Nate knows. The way that he finds out could mean everything because it would kill him to find out from someone other than you and Chuck." Grinning, she concluded, "I think you deserve to be happy… even if it's beyond me how _Chuck_ is the one giving you a reason to smile."

Smiling fondly at her best friend, Blair replied, "I don't expect you to understand me and Chuck when _I_ don't even understand." Giggling nervously, she continued, "I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing when I'm with him, like I've never been in a relationship; everything's completely new." Sighing, she squeezed Serena's hands, "Right now, this whole situation is unpredictable. Once I'm sure that it's not going to blow up in my face sometime soon, I _will_ tell Nate. I just don't want to hurt him until I know it's going to be worth him hurting… and I need you to understand that."

"I do, B," Serena took her hands from Blair's and wrapped her arms around the brunette. Blair felt her friend take a deep breath before asking, "Are you going to tell me what happened earlier?"

Releasing Serena from the embrace, Blair sighed, "I really don't want to talk about it, S." What she needed right now was a distraction, not to rehash the insecurities that had been plaguing her all day long.

Luckily, her best friend knows her well.

The blonde nodded, "Okay… then why don't we get outta here? Outta this apartment, to a place a little more sane."

Rolling her eyes with a sarcastic chuckle, Blair responded, "Any place would qualify."

Serena stood up slowly, holding her hands down to help Blair, "Then let's go!"

When Serena suggested they get out of there, it didn't take much coaxing.

The two girls went across the Brooklyn Bridge to spend an amusing afternoon with the Humphrey family. Watching the Humphrey and Van der Woodsen families find out about their intertwined past, and freak out about Lily and Rufus's past relationship, went far in cheering Blair up. Scandalous secrets always did have that affect on her and the spectacle they made of themselves cheered her for a little while.

When the afternoon was over she was back in a cab, on her way to Manhattan and away from the distractions, her mind turned back to all that the amusement had helped her forget. Her issues weren't going to go away after one day of distraction, so she'd promised Serena that she'd call her doctor in the morning. Obviously she'd need to spend a little time with the professional that had guided her when her condition was much worse if she didn't want to relapse again.

And she definitely didn't want to feel that out of control ever again.

The entire day had been exhausting, so she made mental plans to relax once she'd arrived home; go upstairs to her room, soak in the tub, and go to bed early. Once she was in bed, she would be free to fall asleep and forget this day ever happened.

Or, maybe she'd be free to call Chuck as soon as possible. She pushed that thought away as quickly as she could; just because his importance to her hadn't escaped her notice, didn't mean she had to admit she looked forward to their phone conversations.

Yet.

Blair decided to take a detour really quick, to grab herself a bottle of water before heading up the stairs, but she found her mother in the kitchen looking quite very alone. "Mom… here you are," Blair stated as she walked into the room and over to her mother.

"Here you are! You had me worried sick," her mother exclaimed before sighing, "Blair, I know I shouldn't have lied to you about your father…"

Blair resisted the urge to roll her eyes as she responded, "That never stopped you before."

"True," Eleanor acquiesced, "But, the real truth…" A bundle of papers were brandished and then placed on the counter, "divorce papers from your father and I'm supposed to sign them." Sighing tiredly, she added, "I haven't yet."

It was a blow, hearing that the papers were a reality, but not surprising. "Mom, he's living in Europe… with a man." After the scandal of her father's sexual orientation, Blair thought that her mother would want a divorce. It was difficult for her mother to bounce back after the shock, but she seemed to be holding it together until now. Blair reached out and squeezed her mother's shoulder, "You can't be all that surprised that he wants a divorce."

"I'm not," Eleanor sighed, "But what I am surprised about is how it makes me feel. He was my husband after all…" her voice cracked, "my Harold, for almost twenty years. I couldn't face him during the holidays; it was always our happiest time." And it now made sense why her mother had canceled her father's visit; it appears that Blair wasn't the only Waldorf woman who used the 'out of sight, out of mind' line of thinking. If her father wasn't here, then her mother didn't have to deal with the situation.

It didn't explain why her mother didn't just tell Blair about the papers. "Why didn't you just tell me that?"

Scoffing, her mother asked, "And let you choose between the two of us? I wonder who would have won that battle. I would've been entirely alone… and," Shaking her head, she added downheartedly, "I was anyway."

Fighting back the wave of guilt that she knew she _should_ be feeling, Blair decided to be neutral; they'd both hurt each other today, but the day could still be somewhat salvaged. "It's still Thanksgiving, Mom…"

Skeptically, Eleanor replied, "Yeah, it is…"

Blair shrugged, "What do ya wanna do?"

The older woman hid her surprise quickly before responding, "Why don't you fill me in on your life?" Smiling at the shock that Blair could feel on her features, Eleanor added, "I've been out of town so much that I'm sure I'm way behind."

Unsure of what or how much she wished to tell her mother, Blair started, "School's going fine."

Her mother laughed, "While that's wonderful, I meant more like why you uninvited Serena this morning. Did you two have a fight?"

It was surprising to Blair that Eleanor had remembered the morning; it seemed so far away to Blair. "This morning we had a disagreement about Nate," she began. Taking a moment, she decided that her mother would inevitably find out parts of the story, so they could be told; Chuck would remain a secret for now. "You see, mom… we broke up."

There was no quick-erase for the shock on Eleanor's face this time; "You _what_? When?"

Blair spent some time telling her mother about the Nate break-up, leaving out many of the details. Refusing Eleanor's condolences, she explained how the situation was for the best and her mother seemed to except it.

She left out Chuck and his place in the whole ordeal; it would be fine for her mother to think she was single for awhile.

After catching Eleanor up on the twists and turns her love life had taken, Blair listened as her mother told her about her trips abroad and soon two hours had passed. Looking at the clock to see that it was ten at night, Blair excused herself and headed up the stairs.

Talking about the end of Blair and Nate had made her even more eager to talk to Chuck; not talking about him to her mother had been harder than she'd anticipated. The message that he'd left her was still fresh in her mind and she couldn't wait to hear how his day had gone.

It was still early, for a weekend, when she had finished showering, grabbed her phone, and crawled into bed. Curled up under the covers, she didn't hesitate before pressing the number 'three' on her phone. It was the speed dial key that had belonged to Nate for years, but now belonged to his best friend. As of her birthday, Chuck had replaced her ex-boyfriend's place on the list and Nate had been removed completely.

There was a tingly feeling in her chest when Chuck picked up on the first ring.

* * *

When Chuck finally arrived back at the Palace late Saturday evening, it was hard to believe he was finally here. Over the past few days he'd sat through meetings and gone on hotel tours thinking of what he'd be coming back to.

The flight being delayed for an iced over runway was something he'd not counted on and he hoped that Blair wasn't too angry with him for being so late. When the announcement had been made, he'd called to tell her he'd be a few hours longer, but he hadn't expected a seven hour delay.

It was three in the morning before he'd put his key in the lock of 1812 and turned it to step inside.

Carrying his suitcase with him, he placed it down just inside the doorway to look around the room with a heavy heart. There was an un-opened champagne bottle floating in a bucket of water sitting next to a table set for two with the room service tray waiting close by. Candles were set on every available surface, some burnt out completely, while a few were still lighting the room with a dim glow.

In the middle of it all was Blair, lying on his bed, dressed in a crimson corset ensemble, fast asleep. Even though he felt bad her plans had been ruined, all the sight of her did was warm the area below his throat; he supposed this was what it felt like when your heart swelled.

After stripping down to his boxer shorts, he walked around the room, blowing out each of the lit candles and studying her sleeping form while the light remained. When the task was done, he drew the covers up from the foot of the bed and over her before slipping into bed beside her. Carefully, he drew her into his arms without waking her and reveled in the feel of her against him.

Lying there in the dark, with the sound of her even breathing filling the air, he didn't need the seduction she'd no doubt had planned. Every night he'd been away, his bed had felt so cold and lonely, but now he could hold her.

It was a little frightening, knowing that her presence was what he'd really missed.

* * *

**A/N:** Yay! I'm finished with "Blair Waldorf Must Pie!" Finally, I know… but now the real fun can begin. ;) I'd love to know what you thought, so please tell me!


	18. Smile!

**A/N: **Yeah, it took me awhile to update, but I got a new job and I've been struggling to find time. Everything should really start to flow though, starting with this chapter. I have so many things planned for this story and I hope you're going to like them. I'm sorry for not replying to your _very_ precious reviews, but I figured I'd kept my readers waiting long enough. Please know how loved each and every review is and how much they brighten my day.

**Special thanks **to LynniePearl for looking over this for me. –hug- I'm so glad you're a part of the FanForum family now. ;)

**Disclaimer: I don't own Gossip Girl's Chuck and Blair; I just like to put words in their mouths and knock sense into their stubborn heads for my own obsessive enjoyment.

* * *

**

If Only

Chapter 18

"Smile"

* * *

Blair awoke on Sunday morning to the overwhelming feeling of being completely safe. A warm chest was pressed to her back, moving slightly with each breath its owner took; the pair of strong arms wrapped around her made her feel protected and cared for.

The feeling of a perfect fit, two bodies that were halves of the same whole.

She reveled in the knowledge that Chuck had come home while she slept and simply slipped into bed beside her.

No sex required.

Lying there with him, she marveled at the situation: this was the first night they'd spent together and stayed clothed. She hadn't thought it was possible, but obviously…

She smiled as a wave of hope for this unlikely relationship surged through her.

Sighing, Blair snuggled back into his chest gently, not wanting to wake him and break this perfect moment. Not even to get out of the suddenly very restrictive corset she'd worn for his welcome home celebration.

It was the stirring of a certain portion of his body - the one that was currently nestled against her bottom - that told her he was already very awake.

Warm lips placed a few kisses on her bare shoulder before murmuring, "Good morning."

She dropped her head back to rest against his chest, replying with a sigh, "Mmm."

She was so happy he was home! Much happier than she'd thought was possible. No sense in denying it to herself now; he was obviously _very _important to her… and getting more so by the minute, it seemed.

His hands began to roam from over her stomach as he chuckled cockily, "Missed me?" Fingers were kneading her thighs, brushing over her hips, toying with the edge of her panties…

Shifting herself even further back into him, rubbing against the semi-hard organ that she was pressed against, she smirked, "_Parts_ of you."

His breath heated her ear as he protested huskily, "Liar."

Of course she was lying but she'd only just started admitting the truth to herself; she thought prolonging his knowledge of it for just a little bit longer may make it easier to handle.

Plus, teasing him was _so_ much more fun. "I suppose you _may_ be right…"

Her insides felt like butter as lips traced the cusp of her ear, nibbling at the sensitive skin between the ear and her hairline. The strong fingers she'd been unable to get out of her mind during their few days apart were massaging up her back, between their bodies and fiddling with the laces of her 'outfit.'

Damn him for those talented fingers.

Slowly, he pulled the laces open; each string he unfastened loosened the garment more, bringing her closer to topless. "Would it help to know that _I_ missed _you_, Blair?"

Suddenly she was very aware and her droopy eyes snapped open. There was a question bouncing around in her head and now she couldn't kick it away: had he been faithful? Sure, she'd spoken with him every night, but part of her was still insecure about trusting him not to stumble.

He was a man, after all, _and_ he was Chuck Bass, the notorious womanizer. Both reasons why it was less than likely he'd been able to keep it in his pants. No matter how much he'd changed the past few weeks, his absence still made her nervous about his fidelity.

His hands had made short work of the laces and now the cloth was only resting against her skin, her hands holding it, keeping it from removing itself entirely. Pulling herself away from him, hating the cold as it hit her exposed back, she stated, "That depends."

She studied the wrinkles in the bed sheet when he asked confusedly, "On what?"

Taking a deep breath, she answered softly, "My reaction to you missing me is pointless if you didn't _behave_ yourself." When she gently stressed the word 'behave,' she heard him draw a breath, in shock she supposed.

Did he not expect her to question him? Was she supposed to just _assume_ that he'd kept his hands to himself?

He knew she'd been cheated on before. He should've seen this coming.

His initial reaction would've spoken volumes if she'd allowed it to, but nothing was going to get in the way of her determination to hear the words aloud. "Well," she asked delicately, "Did you?"

"I can't believe you're asking if I cheated on you." He made to leave her side, but she turned over quickly and stopped him with the touch of her hand to his forearm.

"You're Chuck Bass," she exclaimed, exasperated. "Sure, we've known each other forever, but being in this relationship… it's new for _both_ of us. It's not that I didn't believe you when you promised not to, I just don't know what to expect. I _need_ to hear you say it, Chuck." She sighed, hating how desperate she was sounding, "Can you humor me? Please?"

"You wanna hear how it would have been impossible for _Chuck Bass_ to pick up another woman when he wasn't even interested in _looking _at one?" She was shocked as he spat the words at her, a hard quality to his eyes making them shine like polished marble; he was obviously hurt and embarrassed that she asked. "That _he_ waited all day to be _on the phone_ with the girl who's so afraid to be his _girlfriend_ that she's made up some _bogus_ relationship status to bullshit her way into keeping him, yet not being with him completely?"

He'd sounded bitter and sarcastic, but with the way his words warmed from the inside-out, Blair had to remind herself to breathe. "You…" she smiled at him in awe, "You_ want_ to be my boyfriend?"

Was it even _possible_ for him to want _more_ of a commitment?!

She might need to re-evaluate her judgment of his character because he was surprising her left and right.

Although, having her preconceptions of him proven wrong was having a very pleasant effect on the twirling sensation in her stomach.

He reached over and dragged her to his side possessively, leaning his forehead against hers he asserted, "I _don't_ want anyone else."

Damn it, if he didn't stop talking like this she was going to fall head over heels for him. It was a valid concern…

Especially since her world was _already_ starting to look slightly askew.

"Okay." It was only one word, but she felt like uttering those four letters may have just permanently altered the course her life was on.

"So, _girlfriend_…" his voice trailed off as his lips fought a smile and his eyes shined with unrestrained happiness.

All she trusted herself to do was beam right back at him in response.

A smirk appeared as his hand slid down to cup her panty-covered bottom, then he mused, "Can I unwrap my present now?"

She nipped at his nose playfully before covering his mouth with hers.

* * *

When December fourteenth rolled around, it signified the end of the fall school semester, the start of Cotillion weekend, and the twentieth day that Blair Waldorf could be referred to as Chuck Bass's _girlfriend_.

_Thinking_ the word was still giving her the tingles all over and making her smile.

She'd thought _the word_ several times during the final dance practice for the Cotillion gala; every time Chuck looked at her while she was dancing with her escort for the event, she was reminded of her current attached status.

The fact that he was jealous of her choice in dates was weirdly endearing to her. It made her stomach do flips when _the word_ went through her mind, reminding her that she was his to be protective over.

Every time that someone brought up Cotillion in the past few days, he'd given her a look that said, _It should be me_. Blair was spending every moment outside of school or rehearsals making it up to him; she'd even broken her own no-sleepovers-on-school-nights rule, she felt so badly. But she was terrified they'd forget themselves during the magical night and accidentally reveal how close the Best Friend and the Ex-Girlfriend _really _were.

They'd already come so close to being discovered during school hours; it was getting very hard to keep their hands off each other and control their furtive glances. The whores at school hitting on him didn't do anything for _her_ jealousy issues either.

She didn't know how much longer she could take this sneaking around thing.

It was a small relief that they didn't have to hide when they were at her house, though. Like now, making-out on her bed fully clothed, with him lying between her legs, the door wide open. His kisses were slow and sensual, in no hurry since they had nothing to be afraid or ashamed of.

It was nice to be his girlfriend. She _adored_ being his. But she wanted everyone else to know so badly.

Being his meant she cared about _him_, about what _he_ wanted, and _that _was why she wasn't going to push the issue of going public; she would hate herself if he lost his best friend because of her. There was no way she'd ask him to give Nate up any sooner than he was willing to risk it.

So she remained quiet, snuck around with her boyfriend and pretended that the secrecy thrilled her…

And _treasured_ the few moments like this.

His hands were caressing her thighs through her red tights and she knew he was cursing her silently for wearing them; she'd really only done it because she enjoyed teasing him. Just like he loved to toy with her, moving ever so slowly when they could afford to take the time without fear of being discovered.

In between his special brand of agonizingly, delectably slow kisses, he complimented her in his own unique way; "You were pretty hot on 'Princess Theodore's' arm today." There was that jealously again, rearing it's fascinating head.

Smiling as his lips met hers again, she responded, "Oh, is that what I am to you? Just an accessory?"

"Next to him, yes," he stated simply as he turned them over so that she was straddling him. "On me, you're so much more."

Sighing, she grabbed him by the collar and pulled him closer; "But I can't be _on you_, remember? You don't want Nate to find out."

The words slipped out before she could stop them.

She smiled at him nervously and he returned it, just as unsure; neither of them ever brought up their need for being cautious and she wasn't sure what possessed her to broach the subject now. This was supposed to be their rare, relaxing, freeing time together, not a moment of serious conversation.

Even though it hurt to ignore the unspoken yearning she held in her heart, she kissed him again, reminding herself of her personal pledge to wait for him to be ready.

He relaxed into her, hands adjusting her body in his lap so that he could slide up further and meet her mouth deeper. They quickly went back to enjoying each other, pretending the taboo subject had never been mentioned.

That was when Dorota's voice called up the stairs, "Miss Blair! Mister Nate for you!"

A sick feeling hit her stomach when she felt Chuck's mouth freeze against hers, his hands gripping her tightly before he released his hold and dropped back onto her bed. Sighing, she rested her hands on his abdomen and stared into his unreadable eyes, wishing she knew what he was thinking right now.

All Blair could think was, _Oh shit_.

* * *

**A/N:** Well, there you have it; a little shorter than normal, but it naturally ended there. Sorry about the lack of Chuck POV, but I'll be making that up to you next chapter. ;) Thank you so much for reading and I hope you'll bless me with your thoughts on this.


	19. On the Rocks

**A/N: **I had the timing off in the last chapter when it came to calendar days, so I adjusted Hi Society's first day from **six days **after CB become a couple to **twenty days**. I'm sorry for any confusion; I've posted my official timeline in my profile if you're confused by the flow of events so far. This took awhile because the content of the chapter just hit too close to where the episodes are right now, so it was difficult for me to write.

**Special thanks **to LynniePearl for helping me with the kinks in this… Even though she won't believe that I'm not better than her. :P Love you my Lynne! –kiss-

**Disclaimer: I don't own Gossip Girl's Chuck and Blair; I just like to put words in their mouths and knock sense into their stubborn heads for my own obsessive enjoyment.

* * *

**

If Only

Chapter 19

"On the Rocks"

* * *

Twenty days; that's how long it'd been since Chuck and his best friend's ex-girlfriend became a couple behind that same friend's back. For almost three weeks he'd been waiting for her to bring it up first and she _still_ hadn't expressed an interest in ending the secrecy.

He'd never been in a relationship, never cared for anyone as much as he did for Blair, and she seemed content that no one ever knew. It just didn't seem right that everyone go on thinking him incapable of commitment when he felt so much for the brunette. He wanted everyone to know just who she belonged to.

It hurt that she didn't seem to care if anyone beside them _ever_ knew.

The matter was getting more pressing the longer they kept their relationship a secret; people were starting to notice that Chuck Bass wasn't bringing a different girl home from every event, that neither he nor Blair were spending much time out in public, and if one more girl hit on him he expected everyone would notice the signs of a Classic Waldorf Meltdown. Even if that would gain him a public relationship with Blair, he wasn't sure that was quite _the way_ to go about it.

Especially if it would cause him to lose her.

The coup de gras though, would have to be his best friend's increasing curiosity about the changes Blair seemed to be undergoing; Chuck even had a minor panic attack when Nate confessed to possibly missing Blair. The way he threw the words "you don't miss her, man" in his best friend's face wasn't exactly subtle.

He really shouldn't have been surprised when Nate showed up at Blair's apartment just after his name had been mentioned, after both Blair and Chuck had awkwardly stumbled through the slip of her ex's name, and _right before_ Chuck finally divested her of those stupid tights.

The only person he feared could take her away _would_ show up after his name had been spoken. It was just the way that Chuck's luck seemed to run, really.

So here he was, frozen underneath Blair as her panicked eyes searched his for some unnamed thing. He wished he could tell what she was thinking, that he knew why Nate's presence caused her so much turmoil.

There was only one reason he could imagine that it would be, but he refused to even think it.

Even when he'd heard who was waiting downstairs for his girlfriend he was trying to tell himself that he had nothing to worry about. No matter how determined Nate had been that morning, talking about how he _thought _he missed Blair, there was no way that she would go back to him.

Chuck and Blair belonged to each other and not even Nate could take her away now.

Right?

After her moment of alarm, Blair leaned down and kissed him tenderly, stroking his face with her hand like she was trying to calm him. It was like she knew the fear that was running through him right now.

Sometimes it was scary how well she knew him.

When she climbed off the bed, straightened her outfit and walked out the door to descend the stairs, he took a moment to breathe. His heart was beating wildly, so he continued his mantra, telling himself that he had nothing to worry about; Blair would shut Nate down.

If only she hadn't reacted the way she had just now to the thought of them being together in public. He could have relaxed if she hadn't spoken Nate's name, if she hadn't insisted on going to Cotillion with an escort other than him when he'd been completely willing to take her.

He felt insecure and nervous and he hated it, hated the fact that he couldn't stand the thought of losing her. It was becoming quickly apparent that he may just be in love with his best friend's ex-girlfriend.

He was scared shitless.

Unable to sit idly by while Nate hit on his girlfriend, Chuck left the bed to eavesdrop from the landing at the top of the stairs; from here he could hear the former couple perfectly.

Nate was talking about Cotillion, wanting to take Blair even though they were no longer together. Some of the pressure that had built in Chuck's chest when Blair had left the room eased when his girlfriend told her ex that the only thing they should be doing together was moving on.

It sounded for a moment like Nate was about to give up, but the next words that his best friend spoke sent a chill through him, "I pulled out this sweater and found this."

If Chuck didn't have such a large part of his heart at stake in this game, he would have congratulated his friend on the unusual display of cunning. Bringing in a gift given to him by Blair was such a devious move on Nate's part that Chuck kind of admired him for it.

Well played, Archibald.

Chuck only had to wait a moment before he found out Blair's reaction to this particular move, and the way her voice went soft and nostalgic as she took in the sight that Chuck knew was before her didn't ease any of his fears. "That's my pin; I sewed it there so you'd always have my heart on your sleeve."

Nate response was predictably unassuming, "Yeah, I thought you might want it back or something…"

Chuck held his breath until Blair spoke again, her words completely taking him off guard: "I would, actually."

His heartbeat began to speed in his chest, pumping exhilaration through his veins; he knew what that pin meant to her and exactly what it meant that she wanted it back. It meant that _Chuck_ had won; she'd finally chosen _him_ over her childhood dream of Prince Charming, the one that Nate personified.

He felt like he could fly.

His best friend had obviously not expected her to request the gift back, because he bumbled through his response, something along the lines of, "Oh, well, here… take it."

There was silence between the two exes as the tiny piece of jewelry presumably changed hands.

Of course, Blair's next words brought Chuck crashing down to earth again: "I guess we could go to the ball together as friends."

The smile in his best friend's voice turned Chuck's stomach: "Sure, of course… _just_ as friends."

As his girlfriend and his best friend started making plans for the next few days leading up to Cotillion, Chuck tuned the voices out. He didn't need to hear anything more; he didn't think he could stand to listen to talk about flowers and tuxedo fittings when his chest was constricting like this.

Stalking over to Blair's bed, he sat down and clenched his hands in the comforter on either side of his thighs, his heart heavy in his tight chest.

He knew that Nate's intentions towards Blair, towards _Chuck's girlfriend_ were nowhere near mere friendship… why couldn't _she_ see that?

Chuck wasn't sure who he disliked more at the moment: Nate for thinking that he could win Blair back easily, himself for being the reason _why_ Nate couldn't get her back or Blair for making him feel so much and then allowing herself to be lured into Nate's trap.

* * *

When her ex-boyfriend got into the elevator and left, Blair hurried back upstairs to Chuck, hell-bent on buttering him up before telling him of her change in Cotillion plans. She was going into battle and she had to have a damn good explanation as to why _Nate_ was an option for dance partner when she'd been so adamant about _not_ going with Chuck.

Most of all, she had to completely _convince_ Chuck that he had nothing to worry about. She was over Nate, of that she was completely certain, but she had a feeling that getting Chuck to see that for a fact would be difficult after what she'd just done.

When she re-entered her room, her boyfriend was sitting on her bed with his knees together. A blank expression was on his face, like someone had wiped it clean and left only a hard mask. Ignoring his obvious upset, she walked over to him, straddled his lap, and began to run her mouth over his neck, peppering it with kisses.

His hands didn't move from his sides, didn't caress her back or tangle his fingers in her hair. He didn't even lean his head back to give her better access to his neck.

Chuck Bass was frozen and after a moment of her failed attempts to get him to physically respond, all he did was ask, "Is there anything you want to tell me?"

Then she was forced to acknowledge that he'd heard every word that she'd shared with her ex-boyfriend downstairs.

So much for telling him about her change in dance plans _after_ showing him how much he meant to her.

Suppressing a shudder at the chill his tone evoked, she continued to kiss his skin and responded nonchalantly between pecks, "Oh, I'm going to Cotillion with Nate. No big deal."

Abruptly, he lifted her up and set her on her feet, then stood himself so that he could face her; she could see the rage in his eyes, just barely contained beneath the surface. "How is that not a big deal, Blair? You're going on a date with your ex-boyfriend!"

"It's not a date, Bass," she sighed patronizingly. Stepping toward him, she placed a hand on his arm. "We're going as friends."

He shook it off and accused, "For old times sake?"

"Yes!" She threw her arms up in the air out of frustration, "What's wrong with that?!"

He just stared at her, like he couldn't believe that she could possibly be right. Like he thought her insane for _not_ seeing the wrong in her going to the dance with a friend.

Why couldn't he just trust her? She'd spent so much time the last few weeks _showing _him that _he _was the one she cared for. Frankly, this was way out of line on his side and it hadn't taken long for this possessive line of questioning to get her back up.

All thought of persuading him went out the window and she couldn't stop her normal defense mechanisms from kicking in. "Why are you being so _insecure_, Chuck?" She raised an eyebrow when his expression turned even darker, "How many labels do we have to go through until you'll understand that _I'm with you_ and not Nate?"

His eyes iced over and his tone was even colder when he asked, "How many times are you going to choose him over me?"

She yelled in frustration, "I'm not, dammit!" The heart in her chest was beating so hard that she thought it would jump out, her face was hot and so was her temper. "But if you're going to act like this…" she trailed off, losing her nerve to strike as viciously as possible.

"What is it?!" He was shaking slightly with restrained rage when he demanded, "Say it!"

With blood boiling, she deadpanned, "Maybe I _should_ choose him."

To his credit, she barely saw the pain cross his face before the old asshole mask, the one that she hadn't seen in about a month, slid over his features. "How do I know you haven't been? All this time… I bet you've been imaging I was him."

Her body went cold; somewhere inside her, the ire that had caused this fight was warring with the heart that the rift was tearing through.

The anger won the battle, but she still choked on the words when she asked, "And if I said that was true?"

"Then I'd have to congratulate you," he replied quietly. The strength seemed to have been drained from his body as he added, "You really know how to hurt someone, Blair."

A surge of victory flowed through her, so she taunted, "The great Chuck Bass? Hurt? What happened, forget to wear your thick skin today?"

His face was pale, his mouth trying to form words as he shook his head; "I was enough of a fool to think I might not need it around you anymore." Eyes that were glassy with unshed tears met hers as he stumbled through two more words: "Goodbye, Blair."

With that, Chuck Bass gave up.

He turned and walked out and it was watching him leave that suddenly filled with remorse; what just happened? She was filled with a slowly swarming panic, building up the tension in her body quickly as she realized that she didn't know _why_ she'd just done that.

She had no idea what possessed her to confirm something that was in no way true. If anything, it was the furthest from that truth since she hadn't thought about Nate and her relationship with him in two weeks, at least.

Why had she thrown a knife that she_ knew_ would wound him deepest? What had come over her?

She needed to fix this, she needed him, so she ran to the doorway as tears welled up in her eyes. Looking over the railing, she screamed his name just as the doors to the elevator closed behind him. Sinking to the floor against the railing, the pain and guilt overwhelmed her; he probably didn't even hear her try to stop him.

Breathing deeply, she didn't even try to fight the tears and sobs and gasps that came from her body; there was no denying that there would be too many to bottle up. Especially when all she could see was his broken face and the tears that he'd kept from falling.

_She'd_ been responsible for the pain. It was all _her_ fault that he was hurting.

And she didn't even know _why_ she'd done it_.

* * *

_**A/N:** Blair's confused, are you? –lol- I hope to have next chapter to you soon. Please let me know what you thought.


	20. Boomerang

**A/N: **Do not adjust your screen, this _is_ an _If Only_ update in less than six weeks after the last one. -lol- I told you guys I had a lot of plans for this, right? I had to update soon. Besides, I think that I'm saving a few of you from jumping outta windows by updating this fast. :D

Something that I need to address is the growing unrest at the episode I'm in right now. Many of you are begging me not to let _Hi! Society_ end the same as it did on the show. _This_ story is about the difference in CB's relationship had _one_ thing gone differently that first night, so there _are_ differences. **BUT** I'm not changing the story completely. Please trust me to make changes to the story that I think are plausible and will give our beloved couple a firm foundation for the future. Chances are, I hated the _same_ things you did about certain episodes, so please don't jump story if something doesn't go the happy way. Waldass _will_ get their happy here... but this story has a _long_ way to go.

With that said, I hope you enjoy this update. I actually _did_ reply to my reviews this time, after four chapters or so of being too busy to do anything other than write, but I wanted to thank each and every one of you for taking the time to let me know how panicked you are or how much you love my characterizations or my story. It means more than you will ever know.

**Special thanks to: **LynniePearl for doing pretty much nothing but fainting and drooling and raving over her little sneak preview. Even though she really didn't have to do much, I still love her for easing my fears. -hugs- You rock, girl.

**Disclaimer: I don't own Gossip Girl's Chuck Bass or Blair Waldorf... I just like to put words into their mouths for no other reward than my personal enjoyment. **

**This chapter gets a little -erm- _racy_ at the end, so please proceed with caution.**

**

* * *

**If Only

Chapter 20

"Boomerang"

* * *

Watching as the elevator doors closed in front of him, Chuck released the breath that he was holding. He'd been numb when he flew from Blair's room, down the stairs, and pressed the button to call the elevator, but he'd still been holding on to the hope that she would follow him.

If there was anything that Blair Waldorf knew how to do, it was put up a fight.

He'd expected her to try to stop him from leaving the conflict; the fact that she hadn't left him utterly confused, especially since he had no idea how the fight had gotten so out of control. She'd been alarmingly vicious, cutting him with words that hurt him at a depth only she would understand.

It was a punishment he hadn't earned and Blair had always been just in her penalization.

He'd seen the shrewd gleam in her eyes just now, when she'd driven the knife into his chest with words that he _knew_ she didn't mean. It was like all she cared about was proving her point, making him suffer for defying her.

That wasn't the Blair that he'd fallen in love with; there was something wrong.

And he'd believed she would realize her mistake fast enough to stop him from leaving. He'd been depending on it, actually.

Now he was slumped against the seat in his limo, leaving her building and wanting nothing more than to melt right through the floor. He'd been numb with disbelief, secure in the fact that she hadn't meant to say that she wanted Nate, but now the pain overwhelmed him.

Each second brought the hurtful knowledge of her choice banging into his head, cracking his heart a little more with each blow. When it finally shattered, he choked back a sob, but remained in control.

He wasn't going to cry about this. Chuck Bass doesn't cry.

Especially over a girl.

No girl had the right to cause him tears; not even the only one to ever dig deep enough to find his heart. To make it beat for her. The only girl to ever make him _feel._

What was the point in loving someone if they were only going to hurt you?

If this was even _love_...

Arriving at his suite, all he wanted to do was crawl into a bottle of scotch and drown in that numbness he was beginning to miss. He'd made a name for himself, had a reputation for being aloof and unfeeling, yet couldn't push thoughts of Blair and what losing her felt like from his mind.

He made it as far as his bed, which just so happened to be the opposite direction of the bar, and collapsed on it. Maybe some sleep would make the wound in his chest disappear; the one that felt like it was gaping open and attracting flies.

The one that used to house his heart.

* * *

When Chuck's eyes fluttered open an hour later, the bliss of dream-less sleep was wiped away. It was replaced by the anguish of memories that flooded to the surface when he saw that Blair was lying next to him.

She must have used _her_ key, let herself in while he slept, and then fallen asleep waiting for him to wake.

Laying on her side, she was curled up tightly, arms hugging her chest, and the pillow she was laying on was darkened by tears. Like she cried herself to sleep watching him rest.

She looked like a wreck.

Even though she'd hurt him immensely, he could feel the scattered shards of his heart beginning to inch themselves back toward each other. Like just the thought that she'd regretted her actions could heal him.

He's so in love with this woman. There's just no denying it anymore.

Steeling himself for the conversation that he knew was to come, he resolved to make her work for his forgiveness; even if he was sure she'd already been exonerated. He wouldn't acknowledge that for fact until he'd heard her explanation.

She owed him that much after the roller-coaster of turmoil he'd been through because of her mood swing.

Turned onto his back, he waited silently for her to wake, staring at the ceiling above him as his heart slowly started to knit itself back together.

All it took was a touch of her hand and he was suddenly whole again.

"Chuck?" Blair's voice was soft and timid, her hand just resting on his forearm where it was burning life back into him.

He couldn't answer her. Not just because he told himself that he wouldn't make this easy on her, but because he literally couldn't find his voice. The realization of how vast her power over him actually was had stolen his breath.

There was a rustling from where she lay, and suddenly she was sitting next to him, trying to look him in the eye. If their gazes met, he would lose his ability to resist, he knew he would.

So he turned his head away, toward the wall.

This time, she choked on tears that escaped with his name. "Chuck!" Her hand moved from his arm to his jaw, "Please look at me?"

The tears in her voice were wearing through his defenses, making him long to soothe her fears. It wouldn't be long before he gave into them, but she'd have to go further, fight harder.

If she could fight to hurt him, it was only right she fight to end her own pain.

The hand that was on his jaw was joined by another and they firmly, but gently, turned his head toward hers. His eyes had fallen closed at the touch, the warm, slender fingers cradling his face and the obvious care behind their movements caressing his mending heart.

Frustration and desperation colored her voice when she demanded softly, "Look. At. Me."

Chuck took a breath, accepted his fated fall back into the depths of her eyes, and opened his own.

* * *

Blair had bribed a Cabby to get her to The Palace as fast as humanly possible. She'd hit the close door button on the elevator before a little old lady could hobble toward it because she couldn't wait.

And he'd been asleep.

They'd had their first fight as a couple. Their first fight _ever_...

And he'd fallen asleep.

If she wasn't so suddenly tired herself, she would have slapped him awake right then. A little nap couldn't hurt her, though, so she'd cried the tears that hadn't stopped since he left her penthouse and fallen asleep right next to him.

Then he'd woken and refused to speak.

And she'd begged.

Blair Waldorf had _begged_ him to look at her, to open his eyes, to see what she'd done to herself by hurting him...

And now she couldn't speak.

She had no idea what to say to him, how to explain her outburst, to excuse her behavior, or to apologize for her strange break in composure over something _she_ didn't even understand. All she could do was look into his eyes and _see _the pain she'd caused.

For once in her life she could actually tell that Chuck Bass had feelings, had them for her, and it stole the breath from her throat. It was like dunking her head in a vat of Vodka; the aroma of something this strong could make you gasp and struggle to breathe even after coming up for air.

He was hurt and she had no idea how to repair the damage.

And he was waiting for her to try.

"Chuck, I..." her voice cracked, "I didn't mean it." She felt a tear run down her face, "It's not true."

He didn't have to speak for her to know what his question would be; his eyes asked why she'd said it. His mouth stayed closed, his facial expression not one of anger but of resignation; obviously he was going to make her _earn _his responses and she didn't blame him. If it were the other way around, she'd do the same.

Breathing in on a sob, she admitted, "I told the most ridiculous lie and I don't know _why_ I did it." Smoothing the backs of her fingers up and down his cheeks, she added, "Or why you would even _believe_ such nonsense."

Something flashed in the hazel irises meeting her stare, and he spat, "I didn't believe you, but I wasn't going to stand there and take any more abuse." Propping himself up on his elbows, he continued, "You obviously had an ax to grind and I was the closest target. All I did was ask you to explain _why_ you insisted on keeping me hidden when you claimed to care about what we had." His gaze shifted sideways, directing his next words over his shoulder, "Why you'd _chosen_ to be presented to society beside _your past_ instead of your future."

With a sob, she collapsed down onto his chest, her hands clutching his shirt now, anchoring herself against floating away in relief. Even if he was cross with her, at least he was talking now; the sigh her heart heaved made it feel lighter.

Burying her face into his chest, she explained, "I _wanted_ it to be you, Chuck."

He was suddenly frozen solid; "What?"

"I..." she sniffled, "I never said anything because I didn't _want_ to be the reason you lost Nate. It was never my intention to hide you like I was ashamed, I just wanted to wait until _you_ were ready." Her fingers popped the top three buttons open on his shirt and spread the material so that her face could rest against the skin at the hollow of his throat. "I'm sorry you thought that..."

"...That you wanted to keep _him_ as an option? That you were sure we'd fail? That you didn't want all of Manhattan to see you presented on the arm of _New Money_ Chuck Bass?" He spoke with such disgust in his voice, such embarrassed ire, that she pulled her face up and met his gaze again.

He obviously had _no_ idea how she felt for him, no clue how close she was to being irrevocably in love with _him_.

"I wanted to keep the peace between you and the friend you consider a _brother_." She cupped his face, finishing softly, "Nothing more."

There was understanding in his eyes for a second, before they turned wary again; "Then what happened earlier?"

"You wouldn't let me explain and I defended myself." Touching her forehead to his, she allowed her breath to mingle with his, "You know, better than _anyone_, how I get when I feel threatened." Kissing him softly, she whispered, "I'm sorry."

It was the only explanation that she could come up with that made any sense to her... and even that one didn't begin to make her outburst earlier make sense. She could only hope it would be enough for him. If he accepted that, then she could figure out the _whole_ reason later.

She almost cried in liberation when he laid himself down, both of them down, to wrap his arms around her, pulling her closer as his lips captured her own. Forgiveness was being etched into the walls of her mouth and the sinews of her tongue.

They were suddenly back to this afternoon, before the fight, and it was _go_ time. Only now, unlike earlier, she was in desperate need of his touch, to know that they were no longer broken; she'd thought that she'd pushed him away forever.

He rolled them over, laying her down gently with ease, as she removed his shirt. Her outfit was being unfastened, fabric being peeled away from her skin to leave her in her bra, underwear, and tights. Urgency was apparent in each touch of his hands, his fingers kneading her thighs as he pulled the red stockings down her legs.

With him lying between her thighs, his long, lean body pressed against her, her fingers started to fumble in anticipation. Somehow her senses felt heightened; it was more difficult to tame the urgency long enough to get a grip on his pants. She recovered quickly enough and soon they were separated by the thin fabric of their undergarments.

His mouth left hers to scrape teeth down the line of her jaw, down her neck to clamp his lips down on her pulse-point and suck hard. Her hips rose and arched upward into him, nails running down his back to leave faint red scratches that would quickly fade.

She heard his grunt of satisfaction at her reaction and her hands traveled down under the waistband of his boxers to push them past his hips and thighs, digging her nails into his ass to pull his nakedness closer. This made him tear the seam holding the side of her panties closed and pull the ruined garment away before tossing them across the room.

Hardened flesh was straining against her soft, open body, her skin was screaming with the need to connect with him again, so she grabbed his shaft, intent on guiding him inside her.

Yearning for two to become one as soon as possible, because she didn't think she could wait any longer.

Her hormones were raging, lust racing through her veins, but his hand on her hip, lightly guiding her away, broke through her thoughts. When he lifted his hand, she saw the _still wrapped_ condom between his fingers.

Resting her head against his shoulder, breathing deeply while waiting for him to take the precaution, she couldn't believe it. She almost taken him inside without protecting herself.

What the hell was _wrong_ with her today?

All thoughts of anything but fulfillment and completion flew from her mind when he finally buried himself inside her. They coupled clumsily and quickly, impatient and desperate for the completion of coming together; it was only moments before a supernova burst inside of them and he collapsed.

Her heart was pounding out of her chest, her arms wound around him, holding him where his body rested against her, inside of her. Each inch of their separate bodies was pressed together and she could feel his heart beating as erratically as her own.

_This_ was the moment that she could finally admit to herself that _this_ was it. _These_ two bodies were whole together, where they both belonged. _Right now. _

They were connected to each other and no fight, no misunderstanding was going to change that. Not that she intended to allow another one to occur; she didn't think she could handle another painful battle such as this had been.

There wasn't going to be a way to hide it much longer and it was clear that hiding was the last thing either of them ever wanted to do again. Society's opinion, Constance or St. Jude's opinion, _Gossip Girl's_ opinion be damned.

It was time to come up with a plan for telling Nate.

* * *

**A/N:** Well, that's another chapter up and out! Please let me know what you thought!


	21. One More

**A/N:** I don't have a good excuse for taking so long to get this to you. I apologize and hope that you're all still hanging in there. Thank you for all your reviews... they're what keep me going when I think I should just quit.

**Thanks to: **Isa for being an amazing Co-Mod that's willing to give me last minute opinions on my fics and Lynne for being my very own "If Only" Spoiler Whore. I love you both!

**Disclaimer: I don't own Gossip Girl's Chuck Bass or Blair Waldorf... I just like to put words into their mouths for no other reward than my personal enjoyment. **

* * *

If Only

Chapter 21

"One More"

* * *

When the morning came, Blair bolted upright at the sound of her alarm blaring from her cell phone. Chuck stirred beside her, but didn't fully wake until she moved to silence the offending noise. She had wiggled free of him and was about to leave the bed when his arm wrapped around her waist and pulled her back into his embrace. "Leave it," he mumbled.

"I can't." She sat up again, "I have to call and tell the Ball's event staff that I've changed escorts..." He looked at her blankly, waiting for her to continue, "And then I have to tell Nate that I'm not going with him."

A grin spread across his face and she couldn't help but smile, too.

He released his hold on her and she set to running about the room looking for her phone, completely naked. She could feel him leering at her as she rumpled her clothes from the day before, searching the pockets before bending down to look under the couch... where she finally found the burnt-orange enV.

Dialing quickly, she went through the chain of people before reaching the person in charge of the presentation speeches. The stuffy sounding older woman explained that programs and speech cards had already been sent to the printers; there was no way that she could change her escort now.

"If it's any consolation, Mr. Nathaniel Archibald called yesterday and notified us that he'd be escorting you, just before the printing had begun." The woman sounded pleased with herself; Blair wanted to yell and kick and scream until they agreed to her demand.

Instead she took a deep breath, looked at Chuck across the room, and replied, "Thank you for your _cooperation._"

She walked slowly over to rejoin him on the bed and fought back the wave of panic. Chuck looked up at her, expectantly and asked, "What happened?"

Running her hand down his forearm and entwining his fingers with her own, she replied, "It's too late to change my escort."

If one could actually say that Chuck Bass's face was capable of _falling_, this would be the moment. He looked uneasy as he flatly responded, "Oh."

"That's..." she breathed in, "not the worst part."

Raising his eyebrows, he asked, "What else is there?"

She could feel her throat starting to close up, but she pushed through it. Speaking lowly, she broke the news to him: "Nate called them yesterday... I have to go with _him_."

* * *

Chuck clenched his jaw as a cold spike of dread sliced through his gut. "You _have_ to?"

"Yes." He heard her voice tremble slightly, "I do." After a beat, she added, "I guess I'll just use this to show him I don't want anything more than friendship from him."

He scoffed in disbelief and then rolled his eyes at the idea as he laid back down. "Right."

"No, this could work." She hovered over him, relaying the plan that he knew had just formed in her mind: "I'm already late for the final tux fitting I was supposed to go to. This will show how relaxed I am about going with him. That this really _is_ about friends going to the ball together. Then I spend the whole night at the ball dancing with other people..."

He finished her thought doubtfully, "And hope that he gets the point?"

She nodded, "If that doesn't work, if he... tries something, I push him away and tell him that I only want to be friends."

"You're expecting him to believe you."

Nate Archibald was the thickest, most clueless person on the planet; short of Chuck and Blair having sex in the middle of the dance floor, her going to a dance with her ex wasn't going to show Nate _anything._ Of course, that was beside the fact that Chuck _knew _what Nate was after by asking Blair to Cotillion.

Narrowing her eyes, she asked, "Why wouldn't he?"

Sighing under the weight of what this piece of knowledge could cost him, considering their fight the previous night, he divulged, "He wants you back... told me so himself."

Her eyes lit up, as if the pieces of a puzzle clicked into place in her head. "That's why you were upset about me going with him," she responded in awe.

It was Chuck's turn to nod this time, but he did so begrudgingly as he fought to hide the embarrassment he felt over being _so_ transparent.

It wasn't something he was proud of, consorting with his best friend's ex behind that friend's back, but he was in way too deep to let her go. That meant doing everything he could to keep them from getting back together and chancing her figuring out what she just had: that he was attached strongly enough that he _cared _whether they got back together. That he had a vested interest in keeping them from doing so.

Never mind the fact that he was in love with her.

Her brown eyes gazed into his and turned warm as she stated softly, "As soon as Cotillion is over we'll tell him."

It was thirty seconds later before her words were able to register in his brain; even then he was so surprised that he couldn't form a more coherent response than, "What?"

Taking a moment to lay down next to him, she scooted her body close to his before responding, "We'll go out on Monday; you, me, Serena and Nate." Twirling her hand calmly in the air, she detailed her idea for him: "Dinner at Butter, drinks at Victrola, have some fun... and then we'll tell him."

Blair's face lifted to lock her eyes on his, so he ran his fingers down her cheek while mulling over her suggestion. There was only one participant he couldn't understand the need for: "Serena? So that she can talk him out of killing me?"

"Yeah," she laughed, "that _and_ it's been so long since the four of us have hung out together. We might as well make some good memories one more time..." he felt her breathe deeply, "just in case..." Then her voice drifted off and he knew what she didn't want to say: it was possible that Nate would want nothing to do with them.

He might as well enjoy his best friend _while_ he could still call him a friend.

The fact that this could be it, that their time as a dirty little secret could be coming to a close, was giving him something to be happy about in spite of the repercussions they were sure to face. All that was standing in between going public with the girl he'd come to love was _one more_ night of pretending.

Pulling his girlfriend's face down to his, kissing her lush mouth and feeling the butterflies dance at the taste of her tongue... he decided that the freedom of finally being able to do _that_ without the guilt would make it all worth it.

What he had right now was worth _much_ more than even the the loss his best friend. Hurting the boy who was, for all intents and purposes, his brother wouldn't match the way that he felt when this woman was near; speaking with him, kissing him, touching him...

Somehow, suddenly, he knew it always _had_ been worth it; that it _always_ would have come down to this. Why else would he have taken the chance of losing Nate's trust in the first place?

Had he always been in love with Blair?

* * *

Taking the time to calm Chuck down had served to make Blair even more late for Nate's tuxedo fitting across town. Head buzzing with all that still needed to be done before the ball tomorrow, she'd grabbed an outfit that she'd left for emergencies just like this from Chuck's closet, gotten dressed, grabbed her purse and phone, then flown out of suite to meet her ex.

Then, on top of everything, her mother had texted her to let her know she had to leave town and wouldn't be available to host the afternoon tea she was supposed to be giving in honor of Serena's grandma Cece. Which meant that the whole thing was left up to Blair... and Dorota, of course.

At least she had a legitimate reason to cut out of Nate's fitting early.

After hailing her cab, she'd applied make-up during the fifteen minute ride and had practically run into the building. By the time she reached the shop, her breathing was a little labored and she was very pleased with the fact that Nate seemed aware that she wasn't really into sticking around for his fitting.

Texting Chuck the whole five minutes she was there probably helped with that.

Running off to set up the tea for her mother's guests, she'd felt that there was something accomplished by her showing for the fitting and not blowing him off. She knew that Nate was... difficult to get through to sometimes, but there was no way anyone could have missed the fact that Blair was _obviously _seeing someone else.

The rest of the afternoon flew by because it was so busy. Sure, Dorota did most of the hard work, but Blair had to entertain the guests and make sure that her mother's absence was explained correctly so it wouldn't seem as if Eleanor hadn't cared. It was a good thing that Carter Baizen was there to keep the conversation interesting, because even the small amount of exertion that keeping up appearances required was wearing Blair out.

By evening, she was exhausted.

She'd only just crawled into her bed, at nine p.m., when her phone rang and Chuck's ring tone played softly: _"Keep with me, forward, all through the night. And once we start, the meter clicks, and it goes running all through the night. Until it ends there is no end..."_

Making a mental note to change the song because Cyndi Lauper's "All Through the Night" gives away too much, she reached over and picked up the call. "Hey."

"Hey," he replied through the phone, "Are you still coming over tonight?"

Blair covered her face with a part of her pillow and groaned in frustration in forgetting the plan. Then she said, "I had to host a tea that my mom skipped out on at the last minute and I've been running interference all day." She couldn't understand what the hell is wrong with her head, totally forgetting about their plans for the evening; a night with Chuck was something she couldn't understand forgetting about.

He was silent for a moment, then replied, "Then why don't I come over there?" There was a strange urgency to his voice, like he really needed to see her.

"I'm in bed already, Chuck... I'm so tired," she yawned softly.

"Then we'll sleep."

She was going to tell him no for a half a second, but then she started to imagine him laying there next to her, wrapping her in his arms, and drifting off to sleep...

* * *

Chuck waited a full two minutes before he understood that Blair's soft breathing on the other end of the phone meant that she'd fallen asleep. He'd been hesitant to believe it because the girl had more energy than most people, but she'd actually fallen asleep while talking to him.

He had been looking forward to seeing her, not just because he wanted her, but because he needed to talk to her.

Thinking back to the way that Nate had cornered him earlier, asking him questions about the new guy that Blair _must _be seeing, he was even more nervous about Blair and Nate going to the ball together. Nate was determined; more focused on Blair, more obsessed than he'd been about Serena... and now Chuck didn't know what to do

He'd agreed to dig up the dirt on Blair's new relationship, but he couldn't tell Nate that it was actually _him_ that was making Blair the happy girl she'd been, the one that Nate had been admiring of late.

Chuck was stuck; he wanted to talk to Blair about this issue, but she was obviously exhausted and he didn't dare go over there and wake her now. It was up to him to make sure that they stayed a secret for just a little bit longer...

And the thought left a bitter taste in his mouth.

* * *

**A/N: **There you have it! Another chapter, another step closer to Nate finding out... or is it? ;)


	22. What's going on in the city?

**A/N: **I'm not going to try to excuse my absence... the show sucked the inspiration from me and that's all there is to it. I was able to write this, so I think it may be back now. I apologize in advance if it's not up to par... I'm feeling very rusty. Thank you to everyone who left me reviews when I wasn't writing; it was all of you that reminded me that I needed to get my head back on my shoulders. I'm extremely grateful for the push.

For those that read "Lost in this Moment," it was updated about a week ago after a hiatus as long as this story's was... just in case you missed it.

_This is unedited because you waited long enough. Please excuse my human errors._

**Disclaimer: I don't own Gossip Girl's Chuck Bass or Blair Waldorf... I just like them in character. The show doesn't seem to feel that way anymore. **

* * *

If Only

Chapter 22

"What's going on in the City?"

* * *

It was finally Sunday; this was the day of the dance that Blair had been waiting for most of her life... and the last day she had to convince Nate that he was nothing more than a friend.

She'd accidentally overslept that morning, so there was the feeling that she was running behind as she went about her packed schedule for the day. There was her hair appointment and her nail appointment before lunch, then she had the interview with the New York Times reporter for her "A Night Out With" feature before she could get into her dress and over to The Palace.

Speaking with the Times reporter had been less nerve-wracking than she'd thought it would; she found her mind wandering, thinking about how everything was going quite according to plan, even with her twelve hours of sleep the previous night.

Through the entire conversation with the interviewer, John-something, something felt quite off and she couldn't place why. It felt like there was something she was supposed to tell him, but she had forgotten to...

"Thanks so much for your time, Miss Waldorf," he bid her goodbye with a smile on his face, "I'll guess see you and the prince later tonight." He'd stepped closer to shake her hand and suddenly his cologne was overpowering her.

As soon as he mentioned her formerescort for the ball, she snapped out of the discomfort she was feeling; everything clicked back into place once she remembered what it was that she'd forgotten. It was time to set him straight _and _work on her mission to shake Nate's affections by the end of the night.

"Oh, I'm not going with the prince anymore," Blair explained cheerfully.

John-something looked scandalized before she clarified: "Since my ex-boyfriend and I are still such good _friends_, and neither of us are attached at the moment, I'm going with Nate Archibald." She shined a perfectly crafted grin up at the random man and continued, "Given our history, it was only right. He is the perfect gentleman... the perfect date!"

"Take care," John smiled down at Blair fondly and then turned to walk to the elevator...

And that was when she spotted Chuck standing in the hall, a tightly controlled expression on his face.

Once John had stepped onto the elevator, she smiled and rushed toward Chuck, intending to put her arms around him. "What are you doing here, Chuck?"

His hands closed over her shoulders, holding her away from his at he looked into her eyes. "I should ask you the same question; 'perfect gentleman, perfect date?' That broken record was a hit last year, Blair." His hands dropped to his sides, "If I'd gotten here a moment sooner, I could have straightened baldy out on the subject; Nate _bores _you."

Suddenly that recently familiar urge to verbally strike him welled up inside her again. For some reason, she was powerless to check herself before speaking nowadays, so she said what came to mind first: "Nate would never cause a scene."

There was a moment that he looked so shocked that she went there, when they'd had basically the same argument the day before, and the beaten look on his face tugged at her heart.

An apology was on the tip of her tongue, but then his face morphed into that of the Chuck Bass that she used to know; the one that slept with girls and forgot their names, the one that she'd only tolerated for his mind because he didn't _have_ a heart.

He tipped the corner of his mouth in a lecherous smirk, his voice toned so low and _practiced_ that it made her skin crawl. "He never got your blood going, either," he drawled in that voice that he was famous for, the one that girls always dropped their panties for... the one he hadn't used on her since they started their affair.

All of a sudden her mood changed again, as swift as lightening she was incredibly sad at the transition to their former manipulative selves. What was happening to the bliss they'd been hiding in? The perfect bubble of happiness that they'd been existing in was cracking around her and she was powerless to repair it.

She could at least pause the destruction for today; if the cause of all the tension was due to their secretive situation, then everything would be back to their recent normal after tomorrow night. If it wasn't... well, she would concentrate on finding the leak in their balloon after she could rule 'going public' out as the pin that punctured it.

In the interest of peace, she replied tiredly instead of rising to his rude bait: "speaking of going, that's what you should do."

He looked shaken that she'd decided to give up before the argument started; in fact, his eyes looked almost concerned. The pang that gaze caused in her gut felt more like a fencing sword then a pin prick. Obviously, he knew something was breaking them apart as well and he was looking out for the signs.

Even though it took considerable effort, she tilted her lips in a reassuring smile and gave him a reason for her suggestion he leave: "Carter Baizen is on his way here right now and I think it's best if you were gone when he gets here. There's been enough scenes for today."

Instead of her reasoning ensuring Chuck know she wasn't asking him to leave because she _wanted _him too, his expression grew dark enough to seem almost menacing. "Blair," he said with a brittlely calm tone, "What are _you_ doing with Carter Baizen?"

His reaction surprised her, to say the least.

"It's nothing," she replied defensively, "he left his jacket here yesterday after tea and he's coming by to pick it up."

He didn't look any closer to being contented by her answer and it peaked her curiosity that Carter would get this reaction from him. Especially since it was a slightly more violent than the one he had to any mention of Nate.

Hadn't the three of them been friends at one time?

Shaking her head, she pushed the thought away; it didn't really matter now. Time was flying so swiftly past that she could feel how late it was getting just by the weariness that was setting in her; maybe she had time for a quick nap before getting dressed...

"Really, Chuck, it's nothing," she sighed, "but you should go just in case we aren't as sneaky as we think we are."

Leaning forward, she kissed him softly on the lips and lingered as long as she could before he would attempt to deepen it; if there was no time to find out what this problem was in between them, there was no time for making out to avoid talking about it.

"I'll see you after the ball, right? Meet you in 1812?"

He was obviously disappointed in still being dismissed, but seemed to take that as his cue to leave. He walked over and pressed the call button for the elevator then he turned back to her, his face blank, like he had something on his mind that he was trying to hide from her. "Tonight," he agreed, "I'll be waiting for you."

They would continue their argument later.

The ding of the elevator resounded through the silent atrium and he stepped through the doors when they opened. She watched as the doors closed over him, his hooded eyes never leaving hers as he disappeared from view.

He was aware that something had changed between them, too, and again, they'd left things unsaid for another time. There was something keeping them from achieving the happiness they'd had prior to their fight the previous day and Blair knew that answer lay with her.

She also knew that she needed to figure out what it was quickly... before she lost him.

* * *

To Chuck, it seemed like he was going to have to go without discussing his plan for throwing Nate off of their scent... especially since they could seem to have a conversation without fighting about his best friend.

He'd gone to her apartment to talk to her because he was drawing a blank on how to distract Nate and walked in to hear her gushing about her ex.

The few words he'd heard had made him sick to his stomach and he couldn't help but lash out. There was a bit of truth to what Blair had said the other day about defense mechanisms and insults... they both seemed to take the same course of action when feeling vulnerable.

It was only when the doors had closed on the elevator that he realized he hadn't even brought up his reason for coming over. Needless to say, it had been an unproductive conversation.

Chuck was starting to feel like he was trapped in a rerun of some terribly nauseating soap opera where the characters were doomed to repeat their mistakes. There was this place where he and Blair were trapped and no matter how hard he tried to escape, it felt like the walls were closing in.

Something was wrong with his girlfriend.

She had fallen back under Nate's strangely effective spell or she was hiding something from Chuck; there was a reason for her starting fights to distract him. Unless she truthfully didn't know why she was so irritable lately; in which case, he didn't know what to do.

It was time to take at least a small part of what was the matter in his own hands; Nate's presence in his girlfriend's life was something that he could remedy.

One thing that had come out of the 'conversation' with Blair just now was the key to accomplishing that... and since he couldn't ask Blair her thought's on the plan without risking her claws coming out, he would just have to go this one solo. All it would take is one picture and one well timed message to Gossip Girl; then all Chuck's worry at being prematurely uncovered for his betrayal would be for nothing.

Now he just had to wait for that low-life Carter to show up.

* * *

A/N: I'm keeping my fingers crossed that ya'll don't hate me for making you wait so long for such a short chapter; there was nothing I could do, it just ended there. Please forgive me?


	23. Tearing it Down

**A/N: **I'm not gonna waste time writing an author's note here... other than to beg you in advance not to hate me.

**Disclaimer: I don't own Gossip Girl's Chuck Bass or Blair Waldorf... I just like them in character. The show doesn't seem to feel that way anymore. **

* * *

If Only

Chapter 23

"Tearing it down"

* * *

Living on the Upper East Side and attending a prestigious prep school, there was one thing that Chuck Bass had survived countless times: the society ball. If he'd been to one, he'd been to a hundred and they were all the same on the inside; there were the over-stuffed parents, the under-sexed girls, and the over-eager boys all standing around, trying to give the best impression to the over-judging masses.

As he'd never been one to conform to society's standards, he liked to think he belonged to none of those categories; he was his own critic and therefore no one else was equal enough to pass judgment on him.

Standing on the staircase, trying not to study Blair a few steps up, he was suddenly determined to prove himself worthy of her.

His tux was fit to perfection, with his own added flair to make it his own; there was the proper amount of product to make sure his hair stayed styled; his bow tie was level with the floor. All he had to do was make sure this night went off without a hitch and trust Blair to work her magic to get rid of Nate.

He was actually quite hopeful for once... until Carter Baizen mounted the steps to confer with his date, Serena.

Suddenly his tie was too tight and the material of his custom tuxedo felt like it was clinging to his skin with static; there was a sudden buzz on the staircase as people gossiped about the prodigal son of the Upper East Side and the Gossip Girl blast that had connected him to the Constance Queen Bee.

Nate's question came as a hiss between his teeth: "What's he doing here?"

"Did you see the blast?"

"Yes," Nate spat in disgust, "Carter Baizen's dating Blair."

Chuck tried to think quickly. As he watched, Carter smiled at Blair when she laughed about something Serena had said; it made Chuck's skin crawl. "I wonder if he's toying with her to get at you..."

"If he is, it's working," Nate surged forward and Chuck had to put out an arm to stop him to keep things from blowing up right there on the steps.

He couldn't let Nate ruin Blair's night; not even if Chuck got to watch Carter eat a fist and fall over the rail.

When Nate gave him a look of confusion, Chuck explained, "Not now." He looked over at the smug look on Carter's face and decided that he could fuel Nate's fire a touch, but still make him wait until later to exact his revenge. "You'll get your chance sooner than you think; then you can get him back for what he's doing to you... and everything he's doing to Blair."

Chuck would only be too happy to help him give Baizen what was coming to him.

Nate gave Chuck a terse nod and climbed the stairs to his place near the top, opposite Blair, stopping only to exchange a few words with Carter; Chuck counted as a victory that no punches were thrown yet.

If all went well, they could all get through this night unscathed... and then he would be one night closer to having Blair all to himself.

* * *

For a night that Blair should consider one of the best, she seemed to feel worse as it wore on.

When she'd imagined the night that she would be presented to society, she hadn't thought she'd be late arriving because of an unplanned nap. A snooze that had mussed her hair and given her pillowcase face had made doing her make-up more time-consuming.

She also didn't know that the inept tailor at her mother's Atelier would cut her custom dress so tight; she was starting to feel that breathing too deeply would split a seam, even though Serena assured her that she looked perfect.

Add all of that to the fact that Nate's not-so-subtle glances were making her nerves blare in warning and it was amazing that she wasn't a twitching wreck by the time she hit the staircase to take her position. She was so stressed out by all that had gone wrong, that she wasn't acting like the refined lady that she'd always dreamed she'd be.

And there was so much more of the night to go.

Glancing down the steps, past Nate, she caught Chuck's eye and he gave her a small smile; there was also a slight eyebrow wriggle that she knew meant he liked what he saw. This slight contact from him soothed her a little, but also reminded her that her mission here tonight was two-fold: keep up her impeccable reputation as a society darling and subtly show Nate that she was happy without him.

As the ceremony started and she stepped forward to complete the first part of her mission, she mentally prepared herself for the second.

And then she breathed a sigh of relief as she walked past the presenter; the hard part was over.

* * *

There was that brief moment where Chuck thought that Nate would heed his warning to wait until another time, and then there was the next: where everything started to fall to pieces.

Chuck was pushing some random blond girl around the dance floor, not paying any attention to the steps as he watched his best friend with rapt attention. Nate's eyes seemed to be glued to Carter, who was dancing with Serena, and the looks that were coming from the normally unfocused blue eyes were poisonous darts.

… Blair was just holding on and trying to catch Nate's attention, presumably to find out what had Nate's face so taut.

The one time that he had passed by his friend in the course of the synchronized steps, Chuck quickly whispered the single word _later_ as forcefully as he could muster without drawing the attention Nate's new dance partner, Serena. Blair had just swapped partners to dance with Carter.

Then all Chuck could do was stand by and watch as everything came crumbling apart around him.

* * *

Blair watched in horror as Nate launched himself towards Carter and herself. There was a rush of air against her face as Nate's fist connected with Carter's eye and Blair limped out of harm's way; her flight from the scene would have been faster if not for someone's foot catching on the train of her dress, tearing it as she made her escape.

The bustle in the room escalated as the fighting boys were pulled apart and Nate was escorted through an exit while Carter was led to another; there was nothing she could do but watch as the night became as disastrous as she'd felt it would all evening.

Staring down at the tear in her dress, her eyes watered up as she pictured the disappointed look on her mother's face when the older woman saw it; like Blair had been careless even though there was no way this could have been ruled her fault.

"They ripped my dress," she commented softly, not even noticing that Serena had been near enough to hear her. Her blond best friend took her by the arm and led her over to Jenny; their exchange couldn't permeate the forlorn fog that Blair was suddenly trapped in, so she didn't hear a word of what they said.

When she herself was led from the dance floor, she could only assume, since Jenny accompanied her, that the two blonds were discussing her ruined dress.

* * *

He knew he was pacing, but Chuck couldn't help himself; Blair had disappeared and he'd only taken his eyes off for a second.

She hadn't looked well, standing there in the middle of the dance floor; her skin had gone pale as she studied her ruined dress and there was a sudden bewildered expression on her face.

He could only imagine how upset she was at her ruined ball.

There was only one thing left that could save it for her, a desire she'd ardently expressed when they were fighting over Nate being her date tonight: she wanted Chuck to be her escort. Now that his date had found someone more interested than him, and Nate had been banished from the hall for the remainder of the night, they were free to be together with minimal worry over who saw.

Something about it brought a smile to his face.

After a quick chat with the band providing music for the event, he requested a song and told them to look for his signal. When Blair walked in, looked around the room, and then her eyes caught his, he lifted his arm and the song began.

She was in his arms after two steps, a look of confusion on her face as she scanned the room. "Where's Nate?"

"Nate was asked to leave, but here I am." He replied with confidence that they were safe, a satisfied smile lifting his lips slightly.

They swayed back and forth to the song for a few beats, his eyes locked on hers, and then it was suddenly all wrong again.

Her feet slowed. "I know that look;" she wondered aloud, "it's the look when your plan falls into place."

Chuck was so stunned by her observation, he couldn't speak.

"You're enjoying this," she accused, "You knew Carter was going to my house, you tipped off Gossip Girl... you ruined my Cotillion on purpose. You did all this for your own enjoyment and didn't care what it would do to me!" His heart had sunk further with every accusation; he was ashamed at the portion of her charges that he was responsible for...

"Hey," he caught her arm when she turned to leave, "Slow down there, Waldorf!" He had to make her see that he never intended for this to happen!

Then her beautiful face turned spiteful, even as tears brimmed in her eyes. She shook off his arm like he was dirty, a single tear escaping as she spoke with the slightest catch in her voice: "This thing between us? It's over; for good."

She turned again and stormed from the room; all he could do was stand there like a fool and call her name.

* * *

Fleeing the dance floor as fast as her heels could take her, Blair was able to stem the flow of her tears until she reached a staircase that was out of view; then she promptly sat down and let herself cry.

How _could_ he?

Sure, things between them had been slightly strained the last few days because of the Nate issue, but did he have to go behind her back? Did he have to use her night as the staging ground for his revenge?

Why couldn't he just _trust_ her?

She was still crying when a voice spoke her name; a voice that had always been a strange source of comfort, even when she was cross with him.

Looking up, she found Nate leaning over her, offering her a hand. "Are you okay?"

She took his hand and stood, trying to discreetly wipe an eye with her gloved hand; she didn't bother to lie and say she was okay... she wasn't sure when she would be okay.

"Look," he ran his hand through his hair, "I got a room here for the night..."

"What?!" She looked up at him, shocked that he'd assumed _they'd_ need a room.

"Chuck took my key and I needed a place to crash for the night," he explained quickly, holding a hand up to block any verbal attack.

"Oh."

He brushed his hand down the side of her face gently and suggested, "Why don't you come up and we can talk? Maybe we can find 'Tiffany's' on TV." Smiling, he added, "We're friends now, right?"

Somehow there was comfort in his presence, something so familiar and dependable about his offer to talk that she nodded and followed up the stairs where he led.

When they reached the top, however, she caught sight of the elevator that would lead to the upper floors of the Palace, that would take her to Chuck's room or Serena's, and suddenly she knew there was somewhere else she'd rather go.

Her chest felt tight in Nate's company, now. She was remembering what Chuck had told her about Nate's intentions when he'd asked her to the dance tonight; how he'd always planned to lure her back into his life. She could see the look on Chuck's face when she'd mentioned Nate's 'qualities' to the Times reporter, or when she'd falsely claimed that Nate was the one she wanted.

There was no doubt in her mind that Nate's room was the last place she wanted to be tonight... or any other night.

Pulling away from Nate, she decided that she would go up to Serena's to spend the night, even though she'd planned to stay with Chuck, and then to Chuck's in the morning to talk after she'd had the chance to calm down.

"Nate," she began, "I think I'm gonna go up to Serena's and call it a night..."

He took her hand in his. "But it's still so early," he entreated, a slight note of pleading to his voice, "we have a lot to catch up on."

Sighing, she turned her eyes from his earnest ones to collect her thoughts... and they slammed right into Chuck's.

* * *

He hadn't stood there frozen for long before Chuck decided to go after her. She'd pushed him around enough the past week and there was no way he would let her end it now; they were so close to escaping the pressure of hiding that he couldn't let her give up. Once they were out in the open, he was convinced all the distrust would fade.

After searching the first floor for his former girlfriend, he climbed the large staircase that led to the upper rooms of the hotel. It was when he hit the landing a few steps from the top that he spotted them, his best friend and his ex-girlfriend, in an intimate conversation outside of one of the suites.

Nate was holding her hand, speaking softly with his face a few inches from hers. She looked like she was about to give in to whatever he was asking... then she caught sight of him as Nate leaned forward to kiss her cheek.

Rage boiled up inside of him, he felt his face contort, and watch in horror as hers turned dark.

Chuck observed in silence as the woman he loved turned to her ex-boyfriend just in time for their lips to connect. His best friend was obviously surprised, but then caused Chuck's stomach to turn as he returned the kiss passionately, wrapping an arm tightly around Blair and opened the room's door with his free hand.

Ice ran through Chuck's veins as his best friend saw him, winked conspiratorially, and pulled Blair into the room with him, shutting the thick wooden door behind them.

A fury of emotions ran through Chuck, as the shock of what he'd just watched settled into him; strongest of them all was the sorrow that siphoned all the energy out of his body. Like a zombie, he made his way to 1812; not remembering calling the elevator, or the ride up inside the car, he opened the door to his room completely numb.

Then he saw the reflection of her headband in the mirror over the bar, lying on the table next to his bed, and suddenly he couldn't find enough things to throw.

After several moments of fury, he was standing in the wreckage of what used to be his suite, staring at the all-too-familiar sight of a shattered mirror hanging above the bar.

Suddenly Monaco seemed like a great place to spend Christmas alone.

* * *

**A/N: **-ducks- Please, please keep in mind that I've never been and never will be a BN shipper; CB owns my heart completely. If you come back, I'll prove it.


	24. Too Far Gone

**A/N: **Well, I did it. I've done it. I've gotten to the whole reason I started this story... I hope you all enjoy it. ;) And this is in no way the end. BTW, I was so excited to post this that I didn't have it beta'd so please for give my mistakes.

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Gossip Girl's Chuck Bass or Blair Waldorf, I just like to see what would happen if the show's writer's believed in them as I do.**

**

* * *

**

Chapter 24

"Too Far Gone"

* * *

Blair's mind was racing in so many directions, she was giving herself whiplash.

Just a second ago, she'd been thinking about making up with Chuck. In her mind, she had run to the elevator and when he'd opened the door to her, she'd thrown her arms around him in her own version of a fairytale fantasy. Now she was so far from that feeling; standing here in front of Nate, having turned her head just in time to catch the enraged, possessive look on Chuck's face...

She wanted to make him pay.

He had no right to look at her like that; they were no longer together and she knew that, somehow, this was all his fault. She was free to do as she chose, so she decided to do what would come naturally at this moment... had the last few months not happened, that is.

The moment her lips touched Nate's she fought the urge to recoil; she didn't truly want to be in his arms, for him to be touching or kissing her...

But Chuck deserved to be punished, didn't he?

Or had living through the strange place she'd been in for the past week been punishment enough?

Nate wasted no time pulling her into the hotel room; it seemed that this was the exact reason he'd booked the room: he had _planned _for her to be in his arms by the end of tonight. For her to be so separated from the horror of all that had happened between them, that she would do anything to get him back. At one point in time, she had made him expect that of her and in this moment she regretted it.

Blair was desperate for someone... but that person was so far removed from the one she was kissing now that she grew lightheaded. In pulling away to steady herself for retreat, she caught a glimpse of Chuck's face; the pain from the show she'd put on to punish him was etched into every curve of his face.

It no longer mattered _who_ she was kissing now. One look at the agony painted over her lover's face and she knew the devastation wasn't something that he would bounce back quickly from.

Her betrayal had been so much more grievous than any silly ball that was interrupted with a little societal misdeed. Chuck hadn't deserved punishment; she owed it to the relationship they had to let him explain what happened, not jump to conclusions as she had done.

Her treachery had finally gone past the point of forgiveness.

Just seeing the effect of her actions caused her adrenaline-fueled indignation to turn heavy in her veins, weighing her down. She was frozen in the space between Nate's arms. Everywhere that he touched her was numb with embarrassment, every nerve-ending screaming at her to stop him.

She wasn't his to touch and every part of her being knew it.

As the door closed over Chuck's despondent face, his heartbreak became more important to Blair than anything else in all existence. As Nate led her toward the bed, even though she'd stopped kissing him back a full minute ago, she resigned herself to what she'd chosen over her heart.

There was no point in trying to mend her relationship with Chuck now; it was hopeless after what she'd done. Chuck would never forgive her, never trust her again... so she must now lie in the bed she'd made.

But that didn't mean she would continue to feel like an unfaithful whore.

She spoke against his lips, "Nate..."

He still persisted in kissing her, making her feel even more uncomfortable.

"Nate, please stop," pushing him a few inches away gently, she avoided his eyes a moment to gather her strength. Blair felt considerably weakened by all that had happened in the last hour and she wanted nothing but to escape her blond ex in favor of some sleep.

The strong arms around her loosened and dropped from her body as Nate's pale eyes studied her in the dim light. "Are you okay?" The fact that he was sounded considerably concerned about her meant that she looked like the hell she'd just been through.

It also meant that he wouldn't push any type of conversation tonight if she played her cards right.

"I'm just tired," she sighed with downcast eyes; there was enough true exhaustion in her body that no playacting was necessary.

Nate's hand gently tipped her chin upwards and she was looking him in the eye when he made a soft suggestion: "Stay here." Before she could object, he added, "This has been a crazy night and you're obviously tired; just sleep here and we can talk morning."

As if talking was all that his mind had been entertaining.

Even though that thought made her want to scoff in his face, she nodded slightly in assent; she couldn't possibly do any more damage at this point.

She must have zoned out because the next thing she knew Nate was handing her his dress shirt. They changed in silence, her in the white button-down and him in an undershirt and a pair of boxer shorts. Once he had climbed into the large bed, she lay down beside him and faced the opposite way.

She didn't have the strength to resist when Nate scooted close and wrapped his arms around her. And even though she'd spent the better part of the last month sleeping next to Chuck, the way that Nate's chest rose and fell against her back made it impossible to relax.

Blair did slip off to sleep remarkably fast, though... considering how uncomfortable she was.

* * *

Whether minutes or hours had passed since Blair's eyes had closed, she couldn't be sure... but she didn't want to open them yet. The room was still dark through her eyelids, so something must have woken her prematurely.

Even in her post-sleep haze, she knew she wasn't in her room, or even her bed. Though the memory of last night was still foggy, the queasy feeling in her stomach said something was definitely wrong about the person holding her. The man's arms were too muscular and long to rest comfortably around her waist, his chest too hard against her bony shoulder blades, his body too tall to fit against hers as tightly as she liked.

Something had happened and she'd gone out of bounds.

Slowly, she opened her eyes to get a dim view of her surroundings... but her careful study of the shadows caused the previous night's events to come flooding back. As tears sprang to her eyes when she remembered what she'd done and what she'd lost, she had only one thought:

Run.

Carefully, she began to extract herself from Nate's hold, gently twisting her body around to escape. She moved slowly to lie on her back, but when she was no longer facing the opposite direction, she took in a deep breath of her ex-boyfriend's cologne. She'd not noticed how strong the smell was when she was kissing him, but now it was overpowering. Her stomach's slight queasiness gave a huge lurch at the scent, causing her to spring from the bed and run to the bathroom.

Blair retched into the toilet bowl until there was nothing left and then lay down on the cool tile until the nausea subsided. The marble against her face was an old friend in times like these... except it was different this time.

This time, it wasn't voluntary.

It had been awhile since she'd lost control like that; she'd always been careful because of her eating disorder. Could it have been something she ate? Thinking back, she'd only had some toast for dinner because she'd taken a nap and overslept. There wasn't any way toast could have given her food poisoning.

Or the thought of what a mess she'd made of her life? She had just been thinking about how wrong it felt in Nate's arms and since when did he start wearing that _disgusting _cologne?

The memory of that scent caused her stomach to lurch again, which led to some dry heaving into the porcelain bowl and answered that question. It wasn't Nate, but the _smell_ of him that made her vomit.

What sense did that make?

She was massaging her stomach, trying to calm it, when her eyes fell down to where her hand rested. Her fingers stretched to cup her abdomen and her heart stopped as a tiny voice in her subconscious whispered the answer.

"No..." she breathed.

The thought started as if it was a droplet falling into a pool of water, gradually growing bigger as the ripples spread. Quickly, she began to tabulate things in her head, the date of the dance, the date of Thanksgiving, the date of her birthday, the date of her last...

She was late. _Very_ late.

For someone whose menstrual cycle ran like clockwork, _thirteen_ days was extremely late.

It was suddenly very clear why she'd been unable to control her emotions lately; saying things that she didn't mean, getting weepy at the drop of a hat, exacting revenge when it wasn't deserved. Mood swings were a classic sign of pregnancy and Blair had seen enough movies to piece together the rest of the signs.

Thinking about her actions over the past few weeks, how tired she'd been and how forgetful she seemed to be, she added those two symptoms to the list of things that meant she was more than likely carrying a Baby Bass.

Her eyes welled with tears, filling her heart with hopelessness. Sitting here on the bathroom floor, with Nate on the other side of the door, all she wanted to do was run to Chuck... but she couldn't. Picturing Chuck's face from the night before and how angry he must be with her, she knew he'd slam the door in her face.

But she still had to try.

Standing slowly, trying to ignore the slight sour sensation in her stomach, she made her way out into the main room silently to find Nate was still fast asleep. It only took a moment for her to gather her dress, shoes, and handbag. In another she was dressed and sneaking out the door undetected.

* * *

The elevator ride had been agonizingly slow - between the nerves and the movement, her stomach was still churning uncomfortably – but Blair was finally standing outside the door of 1812. Her hand was shaking as she raised it to knock on the thick wood and it took quite a bit of effort to make the knock loud enough to hear.

After a few minutes of silence, she tried calling his name through the door, but there was still no answer. Even more anxious than before, she reached into her tiny clutch and retrieved the key that she hadn't yet returned to him. She played with it for a moment, turning it over in her hand as memories of the day he gave it to her whirled through her head, she felt the tears beginning to fall as the door swung open.

In a few slow steps, she knew he wasn't there; the room was pitch dark so she reached for the light switch.

The room flooded with light and the sight made her knees weak, causing her to sit on the end of the bed: there were clothes everywhere, shattered glass, upturned bar stools and broken objects lying on the floor. Like a whirlwind of fury had torn the room apart and left nothing untouched in the devastation.

She clapped a hand over her mouth as the tears came pouring down her cheeks. The wreckage that surrounded her was nothing to what she'd just spotted: it was her headband still sitting on his nightstand... then there was a pair of her shoes sitting untouched on the floor next to the closet... and her spare change of clothes still hanging where she'd put them.

He'd destroyed everything he owned, but not touched a single item of hers.

She was sitting there, the destruction surrounding her blurred together, and then her eyes fell on where the mirror used to hang over the bar. Shards of glass still sticking from the frame, she remembered asking him about that mirror, remembered that a different one had hung in it's place the first night she'd spent here...

And then she broke into sobs so uncontrollable that her body was shaking with each gasp for air.

That was the _second_ mirror he'd broken over her. The first on was destroyed so long ago that she'd almost forgotten it. She could see clearly in her mind the glass he'd been holding that first time she'd left him for Nate. Then she imagined the amber liquid that he'd been swirling in the tumbler splattering everywhere, the glass shattering the mirror after she'd broken his heart for the first time.

He'd been in love with her from the first and she only realized she loved him at the last.

Giving in to the sorrow draining her body and the tears overpowering her, she laid back on the bed. Curling up tightly, one hand resting over where their lovechild was growing inside of her, Blair cried herself to sleep with Chuck's name on her lips.

* * *

**A/N: **Yes, I did it. I went there... hope you like. :D


	25. Misery

**A/N: **Thanks to all that have stuck with me this far and to those who have left me reviews, you are what keeps me going. Here is the next chapter, a week after the last update. ;) Oh, by the way, we're out of Hi!Society now... Roman Holiday will probably begin next chapter.

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Gossip Girl's Chuck Bass and Blair Waldorf, I just want to prove they _can_ stand by each other through anything.**

* * *

Chapter 25

"Misery"

* * *

The panicked voice of Serena broke through Blair's exhausted, fitful sleep.

"Blair!" Serena cried, "here you are! I've been looking for you for hours..." The blond sat down less than gracefully on the bed next to her and continued to chatter: "I got the strangest phone call from Nate and then you weren't answering your phone and..."

That was when Serena stopped yacking long enough to get a good look at her face. The night before was coming back to Blair in painful shards and pieces, so she knew there were blurry mascara trails that had been drawn by her tears standing in stark contrast to her pasty skin. Unwilling to see that look of pity in Serena's eyes, she buried her face in one of Chuck's pillows, briefly tearing up again at the scent of him it still held.

"B," her blonde friend asked softly, "What's wrong?"

The tears were back in full force now and Blair couldn't stop them. She could feel her shoulders beginning to shake with the sobs as she closed her eyes and saw only Chuck's eyes fastened morbidly her and Nate the night before. Serena's arms were around her by the time Blair placed a hand discreetly over her stomach, dwelling on the thought of what it most likely contained and just how much she wished Chuck were here.

She cried out her misery, her friend whispering soothing words and squeezing her tightly. The sentiment behind it did help for a bit, but then Blair fell apart again when she allowed herself to long for him to be here holding her, talking her through this.

Somewhere along the line, Chuck had become her best friend.

When she was finally able to calm herself long enough to string a few words together, the Blair asked the first question that popped into her head: "How did you find me?"

Serena looked like she'd never heard a more off topic question, but answered anyway. "Nate called, said you were with him and disappeared in the middle of the night." She paused to give Blair a _explain_ look before continuing, "and you weren't answering your phone so he called me, thinking you'd sneaked upstairs to my suite. I told him I'd try to find you. When I texted Dorota and she said you were staying with Chuck last night..." Serena paused and shrugged, "the door was open."

Blair must have shrank when his name was mentioned because it prompted the blonde to ask, "Where _is_ Chuck anyway?"

Sitting there with her friend's arm around her, Blair stumbled over an explanation as best she could. "I d-don't, he-he's..." one glance in the direction of the closet and her heart sank. She whispered, "his suitcases are gone."

"Did he tell you he had a trip planned?" Serena asked uncomfortably, obviously trying to keep the conversation casual and her eyes from wandering the room.

Sighing, feeling drained and exasperated, Blair spat, "Does it look like he planned to go somewhere? Take a look at this place! Aren't you even going to ask?!"

"Blair," she started patronizingly, "I was trying to be gentle, work my way up to it..." trailing off, the blond reached out and rubbed Blair's shoulder with her hand. "You're obviously upset; I didn't want..."

"Whatever." She couldn't talk to Serena about this; not only was she the worst at keeping a secret, but the girl never understood Blair's feelings for Chuck. It was useless to try and seek solace in her friend.

Blair was picking at her fingernails when Serena turned to her and gave her a quick shake. "Hello? You _spent the night_ with Nate."

"Fine!" She wanted something, and Blair knew she wasn't going to give up, so she snarled out the Cliffs' Notes version: "Chuck orchestrated the dance floor punch. I was pissed at him. We broke up. Nate was flirting with me. I kissed him and Chuck saw." She gestured to the destruction around them and felt her anger begin to dissipate. Softly, she added, "I can only assume he did this after seeing that and took off. Now, can we please _stop talking about this_?"

It seemed that Blair's obvious upset caused Serena to pity her more. The soft look on the blond's face was boring into her own as she asked, "Then why are you here?"

A simple enough question, but it was one that caused difficult thoughts to flood her brain. Why had she come? To beg him to forgive her? To tell him how she felt? To tell him about their...

"I..." Blair breathed deeply, "I was late..." she trailed off, trying to take that a little further from the full truth, "late realizing that Nate and I don't belong together anymore." A sob choked her throat as she finished, "And he was gone before I could tell him that."

"Oh, B..." Serena's arms wrapped around her, squeezing her tightly. "Maybe it's not really that bad. Have you tried calling?"

Scoffing, Blair shook her head. "If it were the other way around, I would ignore _his_ calls..."

The thought of listening to the phone ringing, waiting for him to decide to pick it up was terrifying. He was probably in some hotel room with some whore, forgetting all about her....

Then again, if that's where he would run first, then the last month wouldn't have been possible. No, she'd hurt him badly because he _cared_ and she probably deserved the pain she was currently suffering.

Serena bounced in place like she'd just had an exciting thought. "But if you try to call, then he knows you care enough to! Plus, don't you wanna know where he is?"

"He could be anywhere, S. From Thailand to Brooklyn, it doesn't matter if I know or not..." She sighed, "He's not _here_." Blair studied the hem of her dress just to avoid her friend's inquiring eyes.

The blond lifted her chin to meet her downcast gaze and asked slyly, "Do you mind if I call him?"

* * *

Halfway across the world, Chuck was sleeping lightly in the presidential suite of his father's European hotel. After a restless flight he'd fought sleep for as long as he could before succumbing to it, fearing the image of his best friend and his former girlfriend that seemed to be burned into the back of his eyelids every time he shut them.

Once asleep, he dreamed that Blair was falling through an endless blackness and he couldn't save her no matter how fast he ran or how far he stretched to reach for her.

Through the darkness, Chuck heard the tune of 'Promiscuous Girl' coming from across the room, waking him from his fretful slumber. That ring-tone meant Serena was calling and Serena calling meant that Blair had talked to her... and that could mean any number of things.

So he let it ring.

Rolling over, he ignored the phone and the questions that would come with the call. Questions that he couldn't yet answer himself. The last thing he needed was Serena calling to take pity on him or to gloat about her friend having better taste.

Worst of all would be hearing that her best friend was broken over his sudden departure, that she regretted her actions... it might just make him run straight home.

So he avoided the phone, rolling over, covering his head with the pillow to block out the tone so that he could pretend the questions didn't exist. In his darkened room he was cut off from the outside world, only allowing what he chose to disturb him in the form of food or alcohol or women... if he could stomach the sight of one without Blair's doe eyes and chocolate locks.

No women then.

Around the seventh or eighth time that it rang, he was annoyed enough to pick up the phone and hang it back up, hoping that she would glean his meaning from the action. No such luck as it only continued to ring.

He'd lost count of the rings by the time he finally picked it up, not even bothering with a greeting because he didn't know what to say.

"Chuck?" Serena's voice was filled with disbelief, reverberating through the telephone speaker. "Chuck, are you there?"

Schooling his voice to sound as carefree as he could, he replied, "Yes."

She sounded relieved when she asked, "And where exactly is _there_?"

Ah. So she was on a mission for Blair, trying to figure out where he was so that Blair could prepare a game-plan, most likely. It was what he would have done, had the situation been reversed.

"Far away from Nate," he drawled, "So tell her she doesn't have to worry about me divulging any secrets better left concealed." A needle pierced his heart with that comment, but he stifled the pain to keep it from his voice. If she was going to be with Nate, then keeping things from him was her problem to deal with.

The phone shuffled slightly and then the connection suddenly sounded bigger, "Who said I'm calling for Blair?"

"Please don't insult my intelligence, van der Woodsen," he sneered, "I can tell when I'm on speakerphone."

Another rustle on the other line and the line went back to it's former state, but there was a new, more fragile voice on the line.

"Chuck?" She asked quietly, doing nothing to hide the concern in her voice, "Are you still there?"

Survival instinct said to hang up and avoid this; there were no undoing the conversation once it began. An overseas connection can be unreliable at best...

But somehow his heart overrode his sense of self preservation.

"Yes, Blair."

She cleared her throat softly. "I just wanted to know where you were and if you were okay." Her tone was cautious and there was something about it that made her voice seem so small. They'd talked for hours on the phone whenever they were apart during their relationship, but it was always confident Blair that he'd spoken with, not this damaged version.

Why was she so broken?

"You forget who you're talking to, I'm fine. I'm free. I'm _relieved._"

He heard her gasp on the line and he almost regretted his use of that word, that word that she'd used about her relationship with Nate, the one that she obviously hadn't truly meant. And, yes, that was harsh, but he _was _hurt and she should have left him to his misery.

"No Charles," she replied, her voice shaky, "You forget who _you're_ talking to."

Scoffing, he chortled, "Oh, really." He was back there on that terrace, at the birthday party that he should of skipped... because then he wouldn't be in this mess.

"I'm the girl that you gave your heart to, Chuck. I'm the girl that broke it..." Her voice dropped off as she took a deep breath, but then she continued, "And I'm the one who'll regret that forever."

He was almost certain she was crying now, the way her voice kept catching as supposed emotions clogged her throat. There was a part of him that felt the tug on his heart, that pulled him toward home...

But it was too late now.

"Miss Waldorf," he began formally, "As far as I'm concerned, that person doesn't exist anymore... if she ever actually did."

At the last, he pressed the mute button, feigning a dramatic end to the call that he couldn't quite bring himself to disconnect.

And that was when he heard it: the sob of a person who was genuinely distraught, followed by the only sentiment they'd ever exchanged...

"I miss you, Chuck."

His throat turned warm and his eyes grew wet as he ended the call.

* * *

Oh God, she was crying again. And she couldn't stop.

_This_ is why she didn't want to call him; hearing his voice, hearing the harsh words she knew would come no matter what she said... she wished that Serena had just given up.

Now she had the chill from his voice running through her veins, contaminating her and making her despise herself for causing him pain.

And she knew he was in pain; it didn't matter if he'd put on a show worth of an Academy Award, he was hurt. If he hadn't been, then he would have just turned his phone off.

She'd injured him badly and he'd done what she always did: held her head up high and acted like it didn't bother her. Of all people, he should have known she'd see right through it. There was one thing that all this had taught her: were the same. They had the same defenses, the same faults, the same weaknesses; they were pieces of the same puzzle, meant to only perfectly fit each other.

The living proof was growing inside her; little pieces of the two of them knitting together to form another person.

Thinking of undertaking this pregnancy without him by her side brought on a fresh wave of tears. And, having lost Chuck, crying had become her new best friend.

* * *

**A/N:** I'm on a roll! SQUEE! Celebrate with me!


	26. Baby, Please Come Home

**A/N: **Another update in a week! WOO-HOO! Okay, so we're in Roman Holiday, the most boring episode of season one. -lol- I'm going to do my best to get through this episode as fast as possible while still building my story properly. Hopefully it'll only take two or three chapters in total. This is very much a set-up chapter, so I'm sorry if it's not very exciting. Oh, and since all my betas have disappeared, this will probably be un-beta'd from now on unless otherwise noted.

**DISCLAIMER: ****I don't own Gossip Girl's Chuck Bass and Blair Waldorf, I just want to prove they **_**can**_** stand by each other through anything.**

* * *

Chapter 26

"Christmas (Baby, please come home)"

* * *

For Blair, time was passing slowly; the heavy burden of carrying such a delicate secret was almost too much to bear alone, causing the days to stretch like weeks.

It had only been a week since the ill fated phone call with Chuck; a week that she'd suffered through unpredictable bouts of morning sickness and her best friend's piteous looks. The heartache had become such a constant companion that it had it was a part of Blair, but every time Serena looked at her, the pain increased. There was a part of Blair that wished she could confide in the blond, but she found herself avoiding her out of self-preservation. It hurt less without Serena there to remind her.

Strangely enough, her consolation during the past few days had been the unpredictable ease she found in Nate's company.

Two days after the disastrous events of Cotillion, she had finally returned one of the dozen phone calls she'd received from Nate, fearing he'd done something wrong. She had explained to him that her abandonment after the ball was due to a hesitance about starting a relationship with him, rather than something that he'd done. It wasn't truthful - since it mentioned nothing about Chuck, her relationship with him, or the possibility that she was carrying his best friend's child - but it was an excuse that Nate readily accepted.

When she'd asked if he would settle for being her friend, he agreed that it would be best for them to start over. Nate began by calling her regularly, asking about her day, her plans, and taking her out for activities that she knew pleased her more than him. All things that she had wished for back when she was in love with him; the irony was not lost on her.

It _was_ a refreshing thing to take comfort in his carefree company; she hadn't experienced that in a quite a few years. Being in love with him had made interaction with him more stressful, but now she could truly say that was no longer a hindrance. He was being sweet and caring, but she was not at all pulled to him the way she'd once been even as recently as two months ago.

But she was enjoying having her friend Nate back. The return of his presence in her life had a balancing effect that Chuck's never had; she always knew where she stood with Nate. With Chuck she had been taken by surprise several times and it had been a wondrous thing, but she needed an anchor at the moment. Without Chuck there to share her panic with, spending time with Nate made things simple and helped her temporarily forget what a mess her life had become.

With Nate, she could pretend she was still on course to live the life she'd always dreamed, even if she was lying to herself.

She couldn't face the truth of how much had changed.

Right now, she was buzzing through the school's annual Constance Billard's and St. Jude's Bazaar, preparing for her father's visit. The fact that he would soon be arriving on a plane from France had given her something to look forward to instead of a future to fear. She needed her father right now and his calm, loving presence would be a great source of solace; her mother had never been much for outward affection.

While rushing around a corner with her purchase, two very large traditional candy canes, she stopped short. Somehow, she had managed to run into the one person on this continent that served as a reminder that nothing was as normal as she wanted it and brought her crashing down to reality again.

"Blair!" Serena's mother called to her, a smile on her face as she embraced Blair. The two women exchanged Happy Holiday's greetings and then parted, at which point Blair was forced by propriety to acknowledge Lily's companion, Bart Bass. Of course she would run into Chuck's father, the only person who might know where Chuck had gone.

Dammit.

Turning on her most polite society smile, Blair addressed them both, "Mrs. van der Woodsen. Mr. Bass." Blair fought the urge to break down when Bart met her eyes, the piercing blue seemed to cut through her like his son's hazel never failed to. Suddenly she wondered if Bart knew about her time with Chuck. Sure, Chuck's relationship with his father was about as open as hers was with Eleanor, but it was still a possibility.

At the least, he would know where Chuck was hiding.

Although she knew it was a imprudent course of action, and she'd probably hate herself for it later, she couldn't help but give him the chance to satisfy her curiosity. "I didn't think that you were still in town; I figured you were..."

"With Charles, sadly, no," he replied politely. "I'm stuck here on business while he suns himself at my hotel in Monaco. I have my staff keeping an eye on him and I'll join him for New Years."

More like Chuck was keeping his eye on the female staff.

Regardless of what Chuck could be _doing_ in Europe, just knowing where he was lifted a slight amount of the weight she'd been carrying between her shoulders the last week.

"Oh, right," she sighed in relief, "I was wondering why he'd been so quiet and Monaco answers my question. Lovely to see you two, bye." Smiling brightly, she hastened away from the older pair as fast as she could, walking into the school courtyard before pulling out her phone. She typed a quick message to Chuck and hit send before she could re-think the action.

_Monaco, huh? Anything I need to know?_

Just after sending the text message and before she could dwell on the feelings churning her insides, Serena popped up. "Blair, there you are!"

Fearing what she would stay if Serena kept her for long, Blair started to back away from the blond. "I can't talk right now, Serena, I'm late and I have..."

"A huge sweet-tooth?" Serena asked with a grin, her gaze coming to the giant peppermint canes in Blair's arms.

Blair looked down at them as well, having totally forgotten they were there.

"They're for my dad and me, we get them every year, and he landed from Paris twenty-_seven_ minutes ago." She was running late because of her brush with Chuck's dad and how shaken up she was. How could Chuck throw her off track from across an _ocean_?

Serena grabbed her by the arm and whisked her off to the exit of the school, flagging down a cab for Blair when they reached the street. Settling down on the dingy seat, she breathed a sigh of relief that she'd escaped Serena without getting one sad look from her. Then her phone rang, blaring _Girls just wanna have fun_... which happened to be Serena's ring-tone.

Steeling herself for a barrage of questions about Chuck, Blair picked up the call. "S?"

"So, it's going to be a real Waldorf Christmas?

At least it wasn't a question about Chuck.

"A real Waldorf Christmas _Eve,_" Blair corrected. "Eleanor drew the line at Christmas _Day_; that's only for me, her, and Dorota."

"Well, that's still a couple days with your dad."

There was a sudden intense longing to have her dad with her and Blair made a decision. "It's going to be more than a couple of _days_... I'm going to convince him to stay in New York." It sounded like an excellent idea now that she'd said it out loud. Her father wouldn't be demanding when he found out her possible condition, he would be supportive. He also wouldn't try to force any decisions on her; it would be easier to stand up to her mother's eventual wrath with Daddy around.

The rest of the phone call consisted of Serena trying to convince her that it wasn't a possible goal, but Blair's mind was set. She would get her father back... there was no way Roman needed him more than she did right now.

Blair flounced into her penthouse apartment, glowing with joy at her forming plan. Of course, that happiness was dimmed when she saw Roman standing there in her living room next to her father.

"Blair Bear!" Her father opened his arms and embraced her tightly, making her want to cry with the relief. He was here, even if he wasn't alone, he was here.

The fact that Roman was there also only put a slight crimp in her plans.

Even though she had to give him her candy cane.

* * *

The next day, Blair tried to wrestle them back onto their traditional Christmas schedule by dragging her father out to ice skate with her in the park. Of course, losing Roman had been impossible until her mother said something that caught his attention and finally left Blair alone with her father to work on her plan.

Linking her arm through her father's, Blair sighed happily. "It's so good to have you here."

Harold kissed her on the forehead, "Well, it's good to be here." Then he met her gaze and asked, "Uh, where is the handsome Nate? Am I going to see him tonight?"

"He's in Connecticut with his mom," Blair answered delicately then added, "He said he would _try_ to catch a train and make it to the party tonight... but we're not together anymore, Daddy."

The shock on her father's face was cautious. "Oh, well, when did that happen?"

"Just before my birthday." The memory of that break-up lead to images of what happened after, causing her throat to close up in pain.

He studied her face carefully, "Is that a good thing?"

Breathing deeply, Blair replied steadily, "Yes."

"Then why do you look so sad, mon amour?"

Smiling halfheartedly, she sighed. "Now's not the time, Daddy. Maybe after the party tonight?" Confiding in her father, at least about Chuck, was something that she was longing to do, especially if she could convince him to stay.

"Ah, an Eleanor Waldorf Soiree: another New York institution that I miss."

With the perfect lead-in, Blair broached the project that was currently keeping her mind off of other things. "You know, you don't have to miss any of it."

"Yeah, well," her father smiled at her, "I wish I could be in two places at once, my dear, but it's impossible. I'm sorry. You know that Chateau near Lyon that I told you about?"

Blair nodded nervously, "Uh-huh."

"Roman and I _bought_ it."

He had burst her bubble before it could even fully inflate. Dejected, she asked, "You bought that place?"

"Yes. The house is_ flooded_ with light. The fireplaces are big enough, I mean, you could walk into them. The gardens are _incroyables_." His slip into French only stoked Blair's disappointment further. She would have pushed the issue even further, but their private conversation was interrupted by her mother and Roman.

Once they hit the ice, accompanied by Roman in a last minute twist, Blair felt like a third wheel. Her father spent the whole time trying to keep Roman on his feet and basically ignored Blair. She was standing against the wall of the rink, fiddling with her phone, when it signaled a new text message.

A text message from Chuck.

She could no longer hear her father and his struggle to help Roman, nor his pleas for her to join them. All she could see was the little indicator on her phone screen that meant he'd finally replied.

Now that he had, she didn't want to read it. Their last conversation echoed in her mind and she knew his reply could not be a good sign.

Trembling with nerves, she pressed the button to open the message.

_Only 1 question: how did you fake your virginity for N?_

Tears were welling up in her eyes. He truly thought she'd slept with Nate minutes after breaking-up with him. Chuck thought her so calloused and cold that she could sleep with someone for revenge.

At one time, Serena had thought that was all Chuck was to Blair.

Apparently, he'd come to that conclusion too.

Wiping a tear that had escaped, Blair didn't even see Roman careening toward her and she definitely wasn't responsible for his stumble over her skate.

Now more than ever, she could not let her father leave.

* * *

From the lonely king-sized bed of his hotel room, Chuck sent a message to Blair that he wished he didn't have to. When he'd received her message the day before, he didn't know what to think. She'd finally figured out where he'd gone, but why did she even bother to solve the mystery?

According to Gossip Girl, she had Nate to keep her company.

The blasts over the last week had driven Chuck further and further down into a depression that he never thought he'd be capable of. There were reports of their outings, pictures of her smiling... every one had pierced the remains of his heart.

So when she contacted him, told him that she knew where he was, he didn't know how to reply. Was she unaware of what Gossip Girl was saying? Did she think that he was unfeeling enough to be having the time of his life and ignore the way that his chest ached at the news she and Nate were back together?

It angered Chuck that she could forget him so easily. He'd thought she had known what he felt for her... apparently not.

Just because she was across an ocean, settling back into her fantasy life with Nate and forgetting all about him, doesn't mean he could make himself stop loving her.

Not that he hadn't tried.

* * *

**A/N:** Well, that's it for now. Hopefully my roll will continue and the next update will be just as timely. :D


	27. I Almost Care

**A/N: **This is _extremely_ short, I know... but I it got away from me and wrote itself. I couldn't make my fingers type another word after it ended where it did. Thanks to everyone who reviewed the last few chapters. This is a major set-up chapter and I'm thinking that Roman Holiday will be wrapped up in one more chapter.

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Gossip Girl's Chuck Bass and Blair Waldorf, I just want to prove they **_**can**_ **stand by each other through anything.**

* * *

Chapter 27

"I Almost Care"

* * *

The fall that Roman took at the rink was symbolic of how the rest of Blair's day would go; wobbling along uncertainly until it all came crashing down around her. As Christmas Eve's go, this was going to go down as the one that she wished everything was different about.

After her father ditched her to take care of Roman, Blair was fuming and did something she never thought she'd have to do: she set a scheme in motion to win her father's affection back from the French Fox. Even if it was going to be underhanded, it was best in the long run. Best for Blair, that is.

It wasn't like she even wanted them to break up, so much as she wanted him there to support her. Her father's romantic relationship was just acceptable collateral damage, really.

Sitting in her bedroom, she was racking her brain for an idea that would be simple to execute but not entirely harmful. The thought crossed her mind that she _could_ look up Roman's wild ex-boyfriend, but that would cause Daddy pain. She loved her father and hurting him wasn't something that exactly served her interest.

She didn't need to sever the couple completely, just separate them long enough to have him there while she needed him most.

Feeling uninspired, Blair picked-up her phone and scrolled through all the un-opened Gossip Girl blasts that she'd been recently ignoring. Choosing the most recent one, she knew upon opening it that ignoring them had been a huge mistake.

Inside the message was a picture of her and Nate strolling through central park with snow falling down around them. There were smiles on both of their faces and they looked like the most nauseating couple to have ever walked the earth. The caption read, "King & Queen of Winter-Wonderland; N and B prove that making up can be a walk in the park." Her heart was beating rapidly, her hands shaking as she flipped through the last five blasts and it turned out they were all her with Nate in various neutral places that could be considered date destinations.

Her face looked perfectly happy, like a snap-shot from one of the movies she'd grown up idolizing... and it made her eyes tear up. By putting on a brave face for the world, she had ruined everything. Now she knew why Chuck thought the worst of her. The last time Chuck saw her, she was kissing Nate and being pulled into a hotel room. Couple that with Gossip Girl's step by step coverage of her burgeoning friendship with Nate, she couldn't blame him for the conclusion he'd come to.

But she couldn't let him be wrong any longer.

Her finger was depressing the number three key on her phone before she could even think about what she was doing.

The phone rang several times, her heartbeat speeding up every time the tone echoed through the receiver. When voice-mail answered the call, she hung the phone up and dialed again. After four tries, she was pissed enough to leave a message after the beep.

Chuck's voice reverberated through her head, causing a pang of longing in her heart as she listened to his outgoing message, even though it wasn't anything special: _"Leave a message and I might listen to it._"

It took her a moment to speak because she'd suddenly lost her train of thought. "Chuck," she blurted, "You are not answering my calls, to _torture m_eI'm sure, but please, for the love of God, pick up the phone and call me."

Clicking the button to disconnect the call, Blair threw her phone down on the bed beside her, watching it bounce slightly before settling. It was exasperating how lost she'd felt once she heard his voice; he would just laugh at the message she'd left, his twisted side enjoying her misery and ignoring her plea for him to return her call. It had accomplished nothing.

Then her phone sang, _keep with me forward all through the night..._

Trembling, she reached for her phone and turned it over in disbelief to look at the caller ID. Sure, it was Chuck's ring-tone, but surely there'd been some mechanical malfunction and it was really Serena calling?

The screen read _Charles Bass_. He'd actually called her back.

Her thumb hit the answering button automatically and she put the phone to her ear... but she was speechless.

There was silence for a moment, but then he cleared his throat. "For someone who _wanted_ me to call, you sure don't have a lot to say."

His droll tone stoked the fire inside her, causing her temper to flare. "I was just shocked you had the courtesy to call back so quickly," she spat, "considering it took you a day to answer a simple text."

"Ah, so you called to scold me," he chuckled dryly, "I must have offended your so-called _delicate_ nature by calling things as they are. We both know you're no innocent... I was just curious as to how Nate doesn't know too."

"For your _information_-"

"Please," he interrupted, "Don't even try to deny it. You know I saw the two of you and you've done nothing to hide your reunion from Gossip Girl. In fact, I assumed you've been spent this whole time putting on an act... for me."

Blair scoffed, unsure of what accusation to protest against first. "Nate and I haven't shared so much as a kiss. Surely your _beloved_ Gossip Girl confirms that."

"Since that night, you mean?"

_That night... that night... that night..._ it echoed through her head and wouldn't let her escape. The night of the dance. The night she lost Chuck. The night her world fell apart. Her eyes were filling up with tears and her voice wouldn't function to answer him, to dispel the false conclusion he'd come to.

Her silence must have made him uncomfortable because he added stiffly, "It's not like I care."

"Then why did your suite look like a war zone?" Clapping a hand over her mouth, she couldn't believe the words had slipped out. It seemed unfair that she knew about his heartbreak when he couldn't seem to fathom hers. She had intruded on his very private display of pain when she opened his hotel door that night.

It was his turn for silence.

Her mind racing, trying to think of something, anything to say that would keep him from hanging up, she sputtered, "I-I... I left Nate. I went looking for you..." Tears started to fall and she gasped, "Chuck, I'm sorry."

"It was all a game," he replied tersely, "I just hate to lose."

Then he hung up.

What the hell just happened?

She had apologized and that was his reply? Not a single moment they spent together had been a game to her and she would bet her life on the fact that he was only trying to throw her off by calling it that. He was being cruel to prove she hadn't affected him...

Nothing made sense anymore. He had to know that she wouldn't be fazed by such a false claim, especially after seeing the evidence of the break in his precious control. She had to put herself in his shoes, to think like he did...

And he was lying to himself.

The fact that he was trying to write off their time together as a game he'd lost caused rage to boil up inside of her. She'd given him so much! She'd loved him with her body and grown to let her heart share in the feeling. It was possible that she was even carrying his child!

This was how he would repay her attempt at reconciliation? To push through their mutual pain with a lie?

She wished she'd never called him.

It hurt her deeply to know how he was dealing with this. Why had she called? Oh, right. Gossip Girl had been touting Blair and Nate's non-existent reconciliation and Blair had felt obligated to tell Chuck the truth. All the truth had gotten her was more heartache.

Why is it that everyone she loved left her? Her whole life turned upside down when her parents divorced and her father moved to France. Shortly after, Nate had slept with her best friend and become so distant that she'd broken up with him. Now Chuck wouldn't even let her explain her side of what happened the night they fell apart.

Just like she wouldn't let him explain his.

The catalyst for it all had been her father's ex-patriotism, so that was the first step to getting her life back. Now she was even more determined to win her father back.

It seemed like fate when her best friend walked through the door at just that moment, just she'd settled on a plan of action and a means of setting it in motion.

"Hey, S... I need your log-in for your agency site from your modeling days."

* * *

Chuck was staring at his phone, half expecting the screen to light up with another call. He wouldn't blame Blair for calling his bluff.

She'd thrown him off when she mentioned his room. In the blind emotion he'd been acting on that night, he hadn't dreamed she would come to him. He'd only been trying to get out of there before he made a fool out of himself. She must have used her key and let herself inside when he hadn't answered the door.

How must it have looked to her? Did she think he'd lost his mind in grief or rage? What had brought her to his room in the first place?

What would have happened if he'd stayed?

He shouldn't have called her back. She had sounded so desperate to talk to him in her message that he'd gone against his mind's insistence that he _stay away from her_ and listened to his heart. When it had such a terrible track record lately.

There was nothing he could do now. Blair knew his hand now, knew he was hurting over their break-up, and no last minute attempt to play it cool was going to save him from her discerning his true feelings. Her reaction to his silence was proof enough that he'd been discovered.

She could use the information however she pleased, now. If Nate was back under her thumb, as she hadn't exactly disproved, then she could probably use the knowledge as she saw fit and not risk losing her on-again beau. She could ruin his reputation, the one that he would need again since he'd lost her.

That would not be tolerated. Even if it wasn't a game before, it was now...

And Blair had always been his favorite opponent.

* * *

**A/N: **Evil? Me? Yeah, I know. Let me know how evil I am.


	28. Fall on Your Knees

**A/N: **For those of you who are begging and pleading for the angst to end... I'm sorry? We've wandered as far into the desert of angst as is possible, so we gotta work on making our way back. It won't take forty years, but it will be quite a journey. _Big thanks to all of you who took the time to review! Hugs for you all!_

**SPECIAL THANKS to my beta... you know who you are girl. -kiss-**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Gossip Girl's Chuck Bass and Blair Waldorf, I just want to prove they **_**can**_ **stand by each other through anything.**

* * *

Chapter 28

"Fall on Your Knees"

* * *

It had been hours since Chuck had caused her to lose her temper, moments since her plan had backfired and seconds since Blair had given up the fight for her father.

The mess she had made of her campaign to win Daddy back had Blair storming upstairs to her bedroom. Her failure, when compounded with the imperfection of her life lately, only gave the tears she was constantly holding back the tiny extra shove they needed to fall. Crying as she crossed the threshold, she fell to her knees beside the bed.

No matter what Blair did lately, she felt defective.

She had invited Freddy, the inappropriately scandalous model to whom Roman was formally attached. There was a quick argument until _Eleanor, _of all people figured, out what had happened. Everything fell apart at that moment and she saw something that had previously seemed impossible:

Her father's disappointed face.

Whether it was her broken relationship with Chuck, her possible condition, or her failure to secure her father's love, she was feeling entire too fragile. The only time in recent memory that she'd even felt like herself was when she was threatening Cabbage Patch's entirely too friendly best friend. And the Boho Barista hadn't even looked properly frightened.

Just when it seemed that Blair's life couldn't fall apart anymore thoroughly, her father figured out she was using underhanded means to split him from his lover. Now she had no one she could confide in; she'd driven away both of the people she longed to share her secret with and Serena, her third choice in this case, was too busy giving Humphrey's evening a '_Happy Ending'_.

At least the tears had stopped, subsiding and taking with them the heavy feeling of hurt in her chest. The numbness spread through her the more she thought about her hopeless situation and came to terms with it.

She was lying on her bed, reveling in the first absence of any type of pain she'd experienced since Chuck and Blair met their ending, when her father's soft voice said her name.

The bed beside her sunk slightly under his weight and she felt his hand on her shoulder.

He sighed before speaking. "Please, forgive me, dear. I should have told you I was bringing Roman. I knew that having him here would be hard on you, but I was hoping that if we were all were thrown together something _perfect_ would happen."

Blair sat up slowly, her father's arm shifting to wrap around her back, and she schooled her face into a mask of disappointment before speaking. "I was going to convince you to move back to New York temporarily, but there's no room in your life for me anymore." She sighed, "At least not the amount there was before." She was trying to explain her actions without spilling every detail. There wasn't anyway to know his reaction to the truth now that she'd upset him. She couldn't risk pushing him even further away than he was now.

He was studying her face closely as she spoke and he must have seen through her attempt to hide that the problem ran deeper. "I know that you try hard to act grown up, and you fooled me for awhile, but you're still my little girl and right now you need your father." He spoke firmly, but kindly as he held her chin to make her meet his eyes. "Tell me, what has you resorting to trickery in order to have me close? You said that you would tell me after the party, so there's something other than my home country that has you so upset. Tell me what's wrong, darling. Does this have something to do with your break-up with Nate?"

She sat for a moment and breathed deeply as she fought through her mind's wish to keep things hidden from him and her heart's inclination to tell him every sordid detail. Her father had always been someone whom she knew wouldn't judge her and right now that would come in handy, but she wasn't going to start the story with the most difficult truth. Deciding to ease into her impending change, she started with the beginning.

"Nate was selfish and brooding," she responded to the use of her blond ex-boyfriend's name. "The further I get from the break-up, the more I see him clearly, but I can admit that his inability to love me broke my heart." She sighed, "After everything that's happened since, I'm not the little girl that loved him anymore."

"And why's that?" Her father was listening intently and patted her arm when he thought she needed encouragement to continue.

"Because I went straight from breaking-up with Nate to falling for the last person I thought possible," she explained with a pang of hurt in her chest. "He was the opposite of the guy I grew up knowing I would love. Somehow I'd stepped into the trap that every other woman does: she wants Romeo, not Hamlet. She wants the love of someone who makes her the center of his world, even if the end isn't pretty. I was happier in those six weeks than I'd been in six years with Nate." A sardonic smile lifted her lips slightly, "Of course, that led to my first _real_ heartbreak and made me realize I'd never truly loved Nate."

"What happened?" he asked gently, removing his arm from her back so that he could face her completely.

"My revelations were too late," she answered him, deflated. "I lost him because I couldn't see what he meant to me. I sabotaged myself..." she dropped off, steeling herself for what she'd be revealing, "I'm paying the price now. He's fled the country because I hurt him and my punishment is dealing with the consequences alone."

He was holding her hand now, hanging onto every word of her story, but she couldn't look at his face as she whispered, "I'm almost sure that I'm pregnant, Daddy."

She hated the crack in her voice when she said the word, the same word she'd been trying her best not to say to herself for the past week. Hearing it aloud was making it all too real. Blair felt his hand tighten around hers in reaction, but he'd kept silent, most likely stemming his first response to protect her.

Thick tension echoed through the air like electricity and a tear dropped down Blair's cheek when she pleaded, "Please _say_ something."

The weight of his eyes fell on her as a few more tears joined the first escapee and then she was in his arms. He was holding her tightly and she began to sob when he spoke her childhood nickname.

She cried in her father's embrace and knew the numbness she'd felt earlier was a fluke. The exhaustion of pretending had her body weeping, her heart was still bleeding and broken, but her pride had been holding her together. Showing the world a brave face had taken so much energy because she was bearing a huge burden alone. Now that someone else knew her painful secret it was clear that she had been lying to herself.

Now that it was shared, she could begin to accept her condition was possible.

Her life would never be the same again.

"What will you do?" her father asked against her shoulder.

She shivered, the shock of how much lay ahead of her still sinking in. "I don't know, Daddy." And she really didn't know what the next step was. Should she take a test when she was so certain? Was there a part of her that wanted this baby? Could she take the steps to end the pregnancy if she didn't?

Would Chuck take her back if he found out or would he run?

Harold cleared his throat and loosened his hold on her so that he could see her face. "If you find that you'll need a place to stay for the summer, you always have a place with me."

"Thank you," she sighed heavily, "I may take you up on that if you promise not to tell mom the reason for my trip."

He smirked, "I think that would be wise." He knew her mother and Blair hadn't a doubt he would agree to the secrecy. "I still have one question before I leave, though."

Closing her eyes, Blair's stomach churned knowingly and she placed her hand over it. Her father's eyes followed the movement, but met hers when she asked, "What is it?" She knew full well, but she wasn't going to volunteer the information.

"Who is responsible?"

The soft question reverberated around in Blair's head. "He was Nate's best friend and my partner in crime," she smiled sadly. "When Nate and I broke up, he comforted me. Sometime after that he fell in love with me and I was blind to my own feelings. When I lost him I figured out I felt the same."

Somehow, she couldn't bring herself to say his name. Maybe she was being mushy because of the hormones, but telling someone how she felt about the evolution of their relationship helped calm her nerves about everything she'd divulged tonight. Someone should know she loved him besides herself.

"So you're saying," her father deducted carefully, "That I may share a grandchild with Bart Bass?"

Chuck had said that her father didn't trust him around his daughter. Now she knew her time off the beaten society path wasn't a surprise to everyone.

There really wasn't anything else to say but "Yes, daddy," so that would have to do.

If he had any misgivings about Chuck's reputation, he kept them to himself. It would have been hard to explain to her father why Chuck was so different without going into details that her father didn't really need to know. There were some things about the way they were that she wanted to keep all to herself.

There seemed to be something about the conversation that signaled it was over, so her father presented her with a computer disc. Happy to have something else to think about, Blair took it from him and popped it into her computer only to find out it was a digital tour of her father's home.

Complete with a room for her.

* * *

The next morning was Christmas and her present was having her father there. She should send a thank you note to the airport for grounding his flight.

In the midst of opening gifts and enjoying the holiday merriment her father's eyes were on her, observing her. He was going to want regular updates on her condition now that he knew about it and Blair would provide them. She was relaxing a bit in the sharing of her secret and she owed her father for being that person she could trust.

She sent 'Merry Christmas' text messages to all her friends and when the cursor rolled over Nate's name, it barely registered that he hadn't shown up the night before. He hadn't called and she was proud of herself for not dwelling on it; she was truly over him.

She hesitated over Chuck's name in her phone's address book then decided not to risk the scathing reply. He could no longer be counted among her friends, but it smarted to leave his name off of the list. There was so much pain involved with any thoughts of him now and it was hard to imagine that things would never be the same again.

While she was looking at the screen on her phone, it signaled an incoming text and all the text contained was a picture. It was Nate and Chuck on the beach in Monaco, with Nate smiling at something off the screen and Chuck giving her a mischievous smirk.

She'd obviously been unsuccessful in convincing him that Nate was the last person on her mind.

By luring Nate away on Christmas Eve, Chuck had declared war. This text was her warning to surrender...

But he knew Blair would never go quietly.

* * *

**A/N: **There's Chuck in here! He's in the picture! -feels guilty- Okay, okay... Roman Holiday is complete so maybe Chuck will be home next chapter. Tune in to find out. :)


	29. Silent Night

**A/N: **I remember the few weeks when I was on a roll with the updating and think: 'We win some, we lose some.' The thing with writing is we are a slave to the inspiration. Writing when you are not moved to do so can suck the love you feel for your work right out of you and make it so dreadfully awful that you want to throw in the towel permanently. I'm sorry that this process kept this chapter from you for so long, but here finally is. Please remember this is un-beta'd because you waited too damn long and I wasn't about to make you wait longer.

**THIS CHAPTER IS DEDICATED TO MY DARLING ISA. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! -kiss-  
**

**SPECIAL THANKS to Leona for trying to help me jump-start my process!**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Gossip Girl's Chuck Bass and Blair Waldorf, I just want to prove they **_**can**_ **stand by each other through anything.**

* * *

Chapter 29

"Silent Night"

* * *

It was hard to believe that war could be this quiet.

Following the picture she'd received from Chuck on Christmas day, Blair had found an e-mail in her In-box, outlining Chuck's demands for keeping his silence. According to the note, if she didn't stop seeing Nate publicly, if he caught wind of them spending time together privately, or if she spoke one word to Nate and someone witnessed it then he would blow their cover.

The hit could have been a crippling one if she actually cared about keeping the secret. It was baffling that Chuck didn't know that she couldn't care less if he told Nate. In fact, if the truth came out, then maybe life would start to make a little bit more sense. Maybe Chuck would finally believe that there was nothing between her and his best friend.

The tersely worded e-mail was the last she'd heard from him. It was odd, especially since she had purposefully been breaking his rules at every possible opportunity.

So why wasn't he retaliating?

It was four days after Christmas when Nate stepped off the plane and back into Blair's confused world. She was shocked and heartbroken that he'd come back alone, but there was also that tiny part of her that was a bit relieved that Chuck had not accompanied him.

It meant she a little more time to prepare herself.

His return was inevitable; she would have to face him and survive the moment his eyes met hers. And then she would have to live past that moment to the next. Every instance that she had to live through where he looked at her and didn't see her truths, the one hidden inside of her heart or the one concealed beneath her still taught stomach, would be a hopeless battle.

A war of indifference she would try to fight, but had no chance to win.

Telling her father had helped ease the burden from her shoulders slightly, but by the time Blair would actually be able to breath deeply again, she may have forgotten how. When she could be free of the secret, when Chuck woke up from his delusions regarding her feelings Nate, she would no longer feel so alone. Maybe when that happened, she wouldn't be.

In the mean time, Nate asked her to attend a New Years Eve party with him and she hadn't seen the harm in accepting. There was no one else currently in town she'd rather go with and the alternative was ringing in the New Year alone with Dorota and a box of Godiva's finest. Chuck was still on an other continent, across an ocean, and the threat of blackmail wasn't really all that scary...

In fact, she was hoping he would react.

Actually, she was more than hoping: she was absolutely desperate for a reaction from him. The silence from his side was making her yearning for something, anything that would show he was paying attention. A sign that she wasn't the only one who was unable to forget.

So caught up in the longing, she decided to launch a preemptive strike in the easiest, most obvious way possible.

When the clock struck midnight to bring in the New Year, she gave her date Nate a quick, friendly peck on the lips. The kind of harmless kiss a girl could give her childhood love without allowing the meaning to be construed as something deeper. Of course, it only took minutes for a picture of that kiss to be plastered across Gossip Girl. Technology would circle the globe and deliver that message to the one person meant to see it.

Except there was still no satisfying result. No angry words or secrets spilled to let her know Chuck paid attention to the blast. No Gossip Girl blast of his own acting as return fire.

Nothing.

She was starting to think she would have to make the attempt to contact him to disentangle herself from the crushing depression of disconnection. Though she knew that she couldn't risk calling him, the thought was ever present in her mind, as were the consequences of giving in to the urge. The silence may be terrifying, but opening herself up to attack again would be suicide. She was coping with her heartbreak little by little and knew it would completely set her back to hear his voice.

But she couldn't stop her attempts at attracting his wrath; it was all a matter of pushing the right button and he would end the communications blackout. He promised to be watching so she was going to do everything in her power to make him keep his word.

Even if all that came was another perfunctory e-mail.

This meant that Blair spent all of her free time with Nate, on Nate's arm. She took every opportunity to be seen with him by the public eye so that Gossip Girl could report their every move. She would smile at him and dote on him and allow him to hold her hand in the hopes that there would be a scathing text message or monotone voice mail.

The disappointment when none came was so heavy it threatened to shatter her.

She was starting to believe that he had he given up. If it were any other boy, it could have been a possibility. Everyone knew that Chuck Bass never admits defeat, but maybe that's because he was clever enough to let his failures fade into to the background or allowed people to forget there was a game in the first place. Maybe she just wasn't as fun to play with as he'd thought she'd be.

Maybe he'd gotten over her and no longer cared what she did.

His absence had turned her thoughts into a never-ending wheel of despair. Coupled with the nightmares she'd been having, she was becoming more and more anxious for Chuck to return. Even if his arrival only brought strife... at least it would bring something to break the cycle she was caught in.

The hell where every thought had an undertone pertaining to the two months since her last period. Where she spent her days longing for the touch of the one responsible.

Something would have to give eventually; if nothing else, he would have to come back for school or his dad or his best friend. Of course, the closer school came, the more she couldn't ignore the worry that he was never coming back.

And that she truly was alone in the bed they'd made.

* * *

The week before school started, Blair was on her way over to meet Serena at the Palace. It was dusk, the lights of building casting a dim glow over her as she walked across the courtyard. Just as she was about to open the door, a low, wry drawl came from the shadows. Suddenly the hot ache that had taken residence in her chest since he left was healed by a whiff of his scent as he passed her shoulder.

"Hello to you too, lover." Chuck's tone was a caress, one that gave her goosebumps and sent a luscious chill down her spine. "You're not here to see me?"

Blair's hand fell slowly as she released the door handle and lifted her eyes to his, trying to ignore that brief flash of joy threatening to knock her off balance. As always, his impassive face could attempt to hide the thoughts whirling through his head, but she could read the depths of his emotions through his eyes. At this moment, those eyes were warm, deep pools of churning copper liquid, melted with the inherent heat between them. Blair had only enough time to read her own joy reflected in them before his eyes hardened and cooled into a harsh bronze.

There was anger in them violent enough to make her break eye contact.

When her eyes dropped from his face, she noticed that his suitcase was at his feet. Typical Chuck, stopping for a smoke in the open air where anyone could see before going upstairs. It was probably a fair bet that his father didn't even know he was back yet. And he definitely wouldn't have his bag with him if he'd been to his room already. So he hadn't even seen...

Taking a steadying breath, Blair lifted a her face up, her armor a bored expression to combat his facade of indifference. "I was only here to meet Serena," she stated coolly, "It's not a crime."

One eyebrow lifted toward his hairline. "I'm surprised you have time for her," he replied, his tone stoic as his eyes left hers. He directed the rest of his thought over her shoulder with a halfhearted smirk: "You've been busy."

Her heart lurched in her chest: this was a reaction, a clear-cut sign that he had been watching, that he had noticed her behavior. It didn't matter that it was buried beneath the hardened concrete of the disguise he thought he needed to wear, it was _something_. Hard evidence of his heartache, something that she could hold onto that wasn't just the mess he'd left in his wake.

She'd been putting herself on display on Nate's arm, waiting for proof from Chuck that he still belonged to her. And now she finally had it.

Stepping forward slightly, Blair took his hand in hers and held it loosely. This action startled him and the flash in his eyes at the touch was the crack in his glossy mask. It was encouraging to see, so she closed her hand tighter, even though the crack quickly mended. All that mattered was it's brief existence and the courage she felt because of it.

"I'm sorry that I hurt you, Chuck." He didn't react, so she breathed deeply, staring steadily into his cold eyes. "I'm sorry that you were gone by the time I came to my senses. Don't forget: I know your heart now, Chuck. You can't fool me into thinking you don't have one anymore. I saw the evidence that I broke it."

He stood stock still the entire time she talked, unblinking, not backing down from the discomfort she knew he felt at being so exposed. Part of her felt for him in his vulnerability; the sight of how much she had hurt, the damage he'd done in the aftershock of heartbreak, wasn't something that would be easily erased from her memory. She wondered if he remembered the sight with as much painstaking detail as she did.

After a moment, Chuck slowly pulled his hand from hers; she watched him clench it at his side before releasing it. "I wasn't playing a game," he pronounced the words precisely, as if they required great concentration and it seemed that he could no longer meet her eyes. "I will tell Nate if you don't stop seeing him."

It was as if she hadn't spoken a word.

She had just apologized more sincerely than she would have thought possible and he was choosing to rewrite the scene, crossing out all her lines.

Feeling just a little bit exasperated, Blair sighed impatiently and spat, "It's so good to have you back Chuck." Then she added sweetly: "I hope you enjoy sleeping in your own bed tonight. And that you find your room just as you left it." Then Blair turned her back on him as fast as she could and strode into the hotel.

She allowed herself one backward glance to see if he'd understood her parting words.

* * *

Watching her walk away from him, Chuck was stunned. Not at her audacity or the way that the confrontation he'd been dreading had gone, but at the pure joy he'd felt when she touched his hand. It was like he'd been walking around in a large room in the pitch dark, and that touched had switched on the light. She'd thrown him off with that simple gesture and his resolve started to crumble.

Suddenly he was transported back to his suite that very first morning after and he was again contemplating the necklace with the heart charm. He was again thinking about how he'd never really had a choice in giving her his heart and how one distinct touch had easily made it her possession.

Even a few weeks in Monaco couldn't change the fact that he was in love with her, that he was defenseless when it came to her. She hadn't just broken through his protections or climbed the walls, she'd obliterated them with the tiniest brush of her fingers.

Now he was stuck in this completely screwed up situation, unable to take back what had broken them and unable to move forward.

The blackmail wasn't to torture her as most would think, he was doing it to save his sanity. Seeing the pictures of her and Nate arm in arm all over Gossip Girl was one thing, but hanging out with his best friend and hearing about spending the night with his girlfriend... walking past the courtyard at school to see them connected at the mouth... hearing her laugh at something Nate had said... it was overwhelming. The thought of being there to witness any of those moments when they should have been his was a knife pressing against his gut, just waiting for a little more pressure to puncture the skin.

Chuck wasn't trying to torture her with his threats, he was just trying to survive.

He supposed that he could just tell her that, but it would mean that she had all the power. Even if he knew it was a fact, there was no way he could let her be aware of it. Yes, she'd seen what his pain had driven him to do to his suite before he left. Yes, she knew that he _had_ feelings for her. What she didn't know was that he still did.

And he was going to cling to that last shred of dignity as long as he could; begging her to stop seeing Nate would not help him to maintain it.

So he was going to study her every move closely, let her know that he was always watching, and make her stay way from Nate. It was the only way Chuck could stay sane and get on with living the rest of his life. Keeping her on her toes was one way that he knew to distract her from what was really going on.

Unless, of course, she'd been paying close enough attention to notice his loss of control earlier. The twitch in his stance when his skin met hers was uncontrollable and potentially damaging to his whole strategy. If she detected it and interpreted it for the sign of weakness that it was, then she'd already won.

Throwing down the butt of his forgotten cigarette, Chuck decided to he'd given her a wide enough head start. He grabbed his suitcase and entered the building, striding through the lobby and into the elevator. As he rode upwards, his eyes, his eyes rested on the button that led to Serena's floor, the one that would take him to Blair. His finger hovered over it for the slightest second before depressing the button marked eighteen, which would take him to the floor where he lived.

Once he'd exited the car, he walked down the hallway to reach the door of his home and unlocked the door to let himself in...

The suite still looked like a disaster area.

Looking down at the door, he noticed the 'Do Not Disturb' sign hanging on the knob. He'd missed it in his post-Blair daze, but now it's meaning was clear: she'd left the room just as it was for him to see. She'd probably taken pictures of it to cherish or as fuel for her very own blackmail scheme.

His eyes swept the room. There were still clothes were everywhere, the mirror shattered, chairs and bar stools upended and laying on their sides. He noticed with a pang that she'd removed her few things from his room: the change of clothes and shoes in the closet, her toothbrush and hairbrush on the bathroom sink.

All that was left of her was the headband on the nightstand.

Walking closer to the bed due to the item she'd left, he noticed the two, dark splotches; they marred the blue of his pillowcases, but only on the right side of his bed. They were just tiny slashes of charcoal, nothing really, but they were highly noticeable on the expensive material. Little black dashes with darkened areas around them where the material had been damped and then dried.

The realization hit him hard: she hadn't left the room like this so that he could see the damage he'd done or so that he'd be in town when his father discovered the destruction, she'd done it so he'd see that pillowcase. She wanted him to see that she'd spent tears and time crying into it.

Hanging the 'Do Not Disturb' sign on the door was the only way to keep the sheets from being changed.

Before he knew it, his fingers were brushing the marked pillowcase, smoothing over the evidence that her words from earlier were true. She was sorry that she hurt him and that contrition caused her enough pain to induce these tears.

As soon as he remembered himself, he snatched his hand back. He couldn't let this have power over him; she had so much already and he'd had to flee the country just to take a little of it back. He allow her to cool his anger and turn it into pity for himself or for her. He had to be strong; he had to be impenetrable.

He wasn't allowed to have a heart.

It was partly true: he didn't have one because she owned it. That didn't mean he had to give up the fight, though, if anything, it meant that he had to fight harder to change the truth as she saw it. He had to make her believe that he was his former care-free self, the one that cared for nothing and no one any further than the pleasures they could bring him.

When it came to love, matters of the heart, she would eat him alive if she could. Her knowledge of his feelings shed light on things he preferred hidden... so she had to remain in the dark.

* * *

**A/N:** This has been a long time coming. I hope I made the wait worth it.


	30. Out of My Head

**A/N: **Do not adjust your calendar... it has only been a week since the last update and here is another one. ;) Only the first section was beta'd, so go easy on my mistakes.

**SPECIAL THANKS to my Dawn! HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY!!! I'm sorry I didn't get this to you yesterday, girl. -kiss-**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Gossip Girl's Chuck Bass and Blair Waldorf, I just want to prove they **_**can**_ **stand by each other through anything.**

* * *

Chapter 30

"Out of My Head"

* * *

Blair spent most of her time with Serena for the next week. Using Nate to provoke a response from Chuck had lost it's allure now that she had seen her own feelings reflected in his eyes. Now she just wanted to distract herself from the fact that Chuck was back and she couldn't be near him. She still heard from Nate, she just told him that she was going somewhere with Serena because Dan's best friend was taking up all his time. After the fourth or fifth time Nate called and heard this from her, he huffed in frustration and stopped calling.

And she was avoiding the Palace as if it was turned into a soup kitchen.

So she and Serena did a lot of shopping and museum hopping, keeping her mind from the topic of Chuck was easy unless Serena found a way to bring him up. The following subject change by Blair was met with a knowing look by Serena... but no protestation. The blonde knew that she was a replacement for Chuck's company.

Or an attempt at a replacement.

Eventually they were getting tired of shopping and the idea came up to go swimming. This activity held particular appeal to Blair as the time may soon come that she would be unable to wear a bikini in public. Considering her avoidance of the Palace and it's amenities in order to avoid Chuck, Blair and Serena were forced to find another, more illegal place with a pool. When Blair learned that Serena still had a key to the pool at school, her mind was made up.

But then she needed to invite people to witness her appearance just in case her possible condition ever came to light.

Blair told Serena that she would contact Cati and Iz. The word of an exclusive pool party on their school grounds after hours spread like wild fire and soon there were at least twenty people in attendance. Including both of Blair's ex-boyfriends.

So much for using the school pool in the interest of avoiding Chuck.

She hadn't been in the same room with both boys since the night of Cotillion and the uncertainty of what would happen reminded her of her birthday party in so many ways. She was back to that night, wondering what Chuck and Nate would say to her and to each other, wondering if Chuck would spill the beans, wondering if Nate would notice something was off.

The only thing different was her desire to keep her deep, dark secret. It was now something that she wished could come into the light.

It took all of Blair's effort to just enjoy herself, keeping her eyes away from the entrance so that she wasn't watching for either guy to show up. In fact, when Nate did show up, he sneaked up on her in the pool and surprised her completely.

He pulled her to him and kissed her.

In her shock, Blair could only gape at him as he asked her why she was avoiding him. He was being completely nonchalant and acting as if kissing was something they still did. The fact that he had the gall to kiss her in public, where she couldn't call him out on it, had her skin crawling. She backed away from him with a simple, "Good catching up."

Climbing out of the pool, she spotted Chuck perched in the high lifeguard's chair, a bikini-clad bimbo on each side of him. His eye caught hers for a split second and she could've sworn he smirked at the expression on her face. She knew she must look as she felt: her blood was boiling.

Before she could stop herself, Blair had walked around the pool to where Chuck was holding court in his red and white swim ensemble. Leave it to Chuck to make an illegal pool party into a chance for a fashion statement. Angling her body past bimbo number one, she grabbed the whistle hanging around his neck to get his attention before snapping, "Oh, so I have to avoid Nate forever, but _you_ can bang anything your field of vision?"

Turning to bimbo number two, he did a shooing motion with his hand and then came back to face Blair. His attitude was bored, yet cagy as he drawled, "I didn't say forever... just until the sight of the two of you together doesn't turn my stomach."

Meeting his eyes determinedly, she asked softly, "And when will that be?"

"Only time can tell, I'm afraid," he said quickly, then stopped himself. There had been a slight halt in his speech, but if he thought he'd said too much, it didn't show in his face.

Blair knew he had.

She jumped on the opportunity: "We were friends once, Chuck. Why don't we just give up the game and admit we both lost? Isn't there someone else you can torture?"

His eyes burned her skin, traveling up her figure in an attempt to disconcert her. The feel of that hot gaze on her skimpily covered body only caused a familiar warmth to pool in her belly, remembering that he'd seen, touched, and tasted every inch of her wearing much less. She had spent a great deal of time scrutinizing herself in the mirror before choosing this tiny red and white bikini, taking great pains to make sure her body didn't show the trouble she was in.

Most likely in spite of his great effort, the desire he still felt for her was reflected in his passionate eyes.

Climbing down from his throne, he stood within inches of her and whispered throatily, "There probably is, but I _choose_ you. So unless you want dear Nathaniel to find out that you lost your virginity _to me_ in the back of a moving vehicle, I encourage patience and restraint."

Then he walked away from her without another glance and without giving her the chance to tell him that Nate was the last thing on her mind.

* * *

Walking away from Blair was getting increasingly harder. Chuck had only been within feet of her twice in the last week and both times he had lost his control over his mouth. Apparently he would need to continue to avoid her completely until he could figure out how to hold his tongue.

He had been so preoccupied with getting away from Blair that he didn't notice he was about to run into her best friend. Literally.

When they collided, Chuck had to save face as always, so he asked, "Why don't I turn that one-piece into a no-piece?" It was an attempt to annoy her, which was a favorite pastime of his and yet it would distract her from his fault in their little accident.

Serena rolled her eyes at him and responded, "Find a floaty to talk to Chuck." Mission accomplished; she didn't notice his bemused demeanor or that he had run into her.

Of course, he couldn't leave well enough alone, now.

"You know," Chuck began, "if my dad and your mom come back from South Africa tomorrow engaged, we'll be brother and sister. You know what they say: the family that plays together, stays together."

"Ah, incest: the universal taboo," her response caused him to chortle at her attempted nonchalance. "One of the..." she tilted her head, "only ones you haven't violated yet."

Lowering his eyes to her body and then looked back up at her through his lashes he lowered his voice and said, "Well I'm game if you are."

Serena leaned forward as if to kiss him, but then knocks the drink out of his hand and grabbed the whistle hanging around his neck. The same one her best friend had just been tugging at.

She gritted her teeth, "Listen, Chuck, I'm tired of your _games_. And not even the ones that affect me." Releasing the whistle from her grip, she sighed, "I'm tired of seeing my best friend so miserable."

Chuck stood bewildered as she strode determinedly away from him.

Blair? Miserable?

Looking into the pool, he could see her laughing and rolling her eyes at something that Cati had said. She didn't look in any way miserable.

Then what was Serena talking about?

Chuck's attention was grabbed by Nate right before a tussle broke out next to the pool and someone went headfirst into the water.

* * *

There was an assembly with the majority of the Junior class of Constance and St. Jude's. There was a long essay assigned to explain why they were on school grounds after hours. There were threats of expulsion.

None of this worried Chuck. Not even the fact that the key that got them into this situation was currently in his possession.

It wasn't the first time he and his group of friends had been in this situation and they knew how to keep any details quiet. And he knew Serena could find a way to keep her Brooklyn charity project's mouth shut if necessary.

He was actually having a pretty decent day, all things considered. Even though he was separated from Blair. Even though seeing her hurt him as usual. Even though he was confused by both Blair and Serena's words the night of pool party. There were things wrong with his life that he didn't have the power to change, but he wasn't _worried_ about anything at all...

Until he found Nate sitting in the courtyard the next day, seemingly engrossed in the writing of his assigned essay.

Chuck slid onto the bench next to his best friend and scoffed, "You're taking that paper seriously."

There was some furious eraser scrubbing before Nate replied, "This isn't a paper, it's a heartfelt letter to Blair."

"A heartfelt letter?" Chuck's stomach dropped to his toes, but he asked in disgust, "Who spayed you, man? Blair doesn't even want you; she's been crystal about that."

Surprisingly enough, Blair was staying away from the blond as he asked, now that he'd come back. It was puzzling that his presence changed that, but it wasn't something he was going to complain about. Keeping them apart had been the plan and it was working perfectly.

Until it wasn't.

A satisfied smirk lifted Nate's lips as he taunted, "Didn't seem that way when she kissed me at the pool."

"She kissed you?" Chuck asked, his stomach turning over rapidly as he suppressed a nervous gulp.

"Well, I kissed her..." Nate thought for a moment, then answered, "but, yep."

There was a cold hole growing in Chuck's chest as he stared at his clueless best friend. Clueless as to Chuck's connection to Blair. Clueless as to how much this knowledge was hurting him.

His morbid curiosity not yet satisfied, Chuck couldn't help asking: "Well, was she, like, into it or was she more like-"

"Of course she was into it, man, what'd you think?"

"Yeah, I know, but uh," Chuck stuttered, "you know Blair."

"Yes, I do," his best friend replied, a strangely mischievous look on his face. "I just think she wants me to suffer a little more, you know? Even the playing field? It's worth it..." Nate leaned in and winked, "believe me."

Now Chuck's skin was crawling all over and it was getting a little hard to breathe. He got up from the table, quickly muttering some excuse about something vague, then stalked away from the table and around a corner to catch his breath.

It was one thing to believe that Blair had gone straight from his arms to his best friend's, but entirely another to have that friend confirm it.

Everything in Nate's tone and manner oozed debauchery regarding his _knowing_ with Blair. A part of Chuck had denied the possibility that Blair hadn't given herself to Nate after Cotillion, but the lengths she went to in order to prove that she had chased after him, Chuck, had given him some hope. She had been so remorseful about hurting him that he was twisted even more firmly around her finger, leading him to believe that her infidelity had extended only so far as her mouth.

She had betrayed him with her body; the one that she had given him for the first time and over again multiple times. She had given it to his best friend without a thought to how much it would hurt him. She had made him her only and then made that mean absolutely nothing.

To say that she had crushed him was an understatement. To say that he was heartbroken wasn't enough.

Chuck began to grow numb, the welcome feeling overtaking the crushing sensation in his chest. He held out no hope now that Blair would be anything more to him than a mistake he shouldn't have made. He would make it through the pain of that knowledge and live to make her regret it.

Whomever said that hope springs eternal was sadly mistaken.

Contradiction seemed to be his lot in life now: he was upset, but he still loved her; he wanted to punish her, but he still wanted to take her in his arms and take away her pain.

With what he knew now, he had no idea why Serena thought Blair was miserable. It sounded like she had all she wanted, actually. A pang inside his battered heart longed to be that thing she wanted so badly. No matter how much his heart loved her, his pride was winning out this time.

If it didn't hurt so much, he might admire her ingenuity. He'd fallen for her ruse hook, line, and sinker. Giving him hope that she wasn't truly the tramp she turned out to be had almost won her the war. He'd almost conceded the victory to her and forgiven her for her treachery.

Now he was going to make Blair regret the hope she'd given him.

He was going to make her pay.

* * *

Blair was leaving the Headmistresses office, inwardly cringing at her time in the hot-seat. She didn't mind trying to pull the wool over the older woman's eyes, but more words came out than Blair planned when she sat across from Ms. Queller.

"I'm innocent," she had said, and it didn't seem like she could stop herself from qualifying it. "Well, except for a crime of passion. I did something stupid with someone and even worse than doing that stupid thing, I _almost_ did that same stupid thing with someone else and pretended I had never done that thing before..." Noticing the bemused expression on the older woman's face, she tried to act like she meant to confess. "You look confused... should I walk you through it?"

Blair had been so mortified at her outburst that she almost forgot her planned response to the expected questions. Luckily, her mind caught up and the rest of the interview went smoothly.

But she was left with the feeling of unease at her inability to keep her mouth shut. Blair told herself so often that she should have done things differently that night, but now she had accidentally started confessing it. Out loud. To a stranger. What if she had told Queller that the key was Serena's? What if she'd told every secret that the four friends had between them?

What if she had blurted out that she might be _pregnant_?

It seemed that her lack of sleep was starting to catch up with her.

Of course, it could have something to do with Chuck's return and how unsettled she'd felt since taking his hand. That first skin-to-skin contact after so long and so many days of longing had shaken her deeply. His absence had been excruciating, but his presence in her life now made had her more disoriented than ever. The attitude with which he treated her was confusing, conflicting with what his eyes told her each time he glanced at her.

Something big would have to happen to put an end to this awful mess they were in. The script that they were acting out need a major re-write.

Hopefully it would come before the status quo destroyed her completely.

* * *

**A/N:** Let me know what you thought!


	31. These Walls Are Killing Me

**A/N: **Yes, it's been a bit. Luckily the Young!CB fic that I wrote a few days ago jump-started my inspiration and you have the following. I'm not sure that I'm completely happy with it, but it's getting the point across I think. ;) Thank you to EVERYONE that leaves a review. I apologize that I don't reply to every one, but if I see someone with a question I do try to answer it. Anyway, please, enjoy!

**SPECIAL THANKS to Dawn! You're the best last minute beta a girl could have! -kiss-**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Gossip Girl's Chuck Bass and Blair Waldorf, I just want to prove they **_**can**_ **stand by each other through anything.**

* * *

Chapter 31

"These Walls Are Killing Me"

* * *

There was a party going on around her, but Blair didn't hear it. She had just stormed away from Chuck, the idiot had been lounging around and flaunting the key that could get them all expelled. Her heart was pounding and she couldn't remember a word she said to him, only that it wasn't important.

Rushing up the stairs, she burst through her bedroom door and flopped into the chair at her vanity. Removing the ribbon from the key, she tossed the fabric and then threw the key into a drawer.

Nate walked in just after she closed it.

The moment that he kissed her the other night was dim in her memory, but the excited glow to his eyes showed that it meant more to him.

Crap.

"Blair."

"Nate," she turned the chair toward him, "what are you doing here?"

He walked two steps toward her. "I, uh, wanted to talk to you. I brought you this," he smiled, "it's a love letter."

Staring at the thick paper of the envelope in his hands, she scratched the word _crap_; this was so much worse than that.

Blair stood up quickly. "Hostess can't hide in her room," she explained. "It's unladylike."

Then she ran back downstairs as fast as she could.

And right into Chuck.

His hand closed around her upper arm, pulling her to a stop beside him.

"Hey, let go of me, Bass!" Blair shook his hand from it's loose grip. His face was inches from hers, staring straight into her eyes...

He eyes were flashing with rage.

"Drop your Archibald habit, first," he snapped.

Sighing, she whispered, "You know I already have."

This was the most ridiculous circle to be running around in. She hadn't been interested in anyone other than Chuck in so long... if anything, Chuck was the habit it would be healthiest to break.

Not that she would ever even consider that an option. Not when she loved him so.

It only made the dangerous look in his eyes worse; there so much pain and indignation reflected there that it drove little daggers into her heart.

"Really?" His tone of voice was dripping with sarcasm, "A kiss does sort of send the wrong signal. Let's not waste time denying."

Blair covered her face and groaned in frustration then threw her hands down toward the floor. "I'm so _tired_ of this! Go ahead and _tell _him."

"Really? You want me to tell him how you slept with me and then faked your virginity for him?" The words were coarse coming from his mouth, the fact that he still didn't believe in her enough to know she would never do that to him cut deeply. He stood there, accusing her of doing something that she'd denied. It would do no good to try to convince him now. If he would only tell that to Nate, it would be disputed by the only source it seems he would believe.

Leaning closer to him, she touched the side of his face gently. "I want you to tell him the truth," Blair clarified, "Just like I did they day _we_ decided to tell him _together_."

He seemed to be caught in her gaze for a moment and her heart swelled in her chest. Then he shook his head and backed away from her. Looking toward the elevator, he said, "Good eye, Docugirl, I'll take the tape now."

Standing there in the archway was Humphrey's _best friend_ Vanessa... with a camera. She'd obviously just filmed the exchange between Chuck and Blair. A quick second of thinking back, and their behavior was obviously not the way two friends acted. They had behaved as two people who were much more intimate than they were supposed to have been. That tape would ruin any chance there currently was to break the news to Nate gently, any chance for Chuck to save their friendship.

Blair couldn't let that tape be leaked to Gossip Girl.

Panic welled up inside of Blair. "This is my house; that tape belongs to me," she demanded.

Little Miss Voyeur sneered and started to walk toward the elevator. "Actually, this is my footage and thanks to both of you I think I've got a new angle on my subject."

Dan walked into the room and said, "Vanessa, let's get outta here."

Suddenly Chuck came from behind Blair and grabbed Vanessa's arm. "You think I'm gonna let you walk out with that tape you're crazy!"

"Let go of me!" Vanessa tugged her arm away from Chuck as Dan put himself between the two of them.

"Hey!" Dan yelled at Chuck. "Last time I checked, I still owe you a black eye. So unless this is you coming to claim it, stay away from her."

How touching, Blair thought, Dan standing up for his supposed best friend... the two were in such denial she could vomit.

She'd _been_ in denial.

When the two offending Brooklynites made their way out of the apartment, Blair was left standing next to Chuck.

"You know," Chuck began, "For someone who claims not to care if Nate finds out, you were sure quick to demand she hand over that tape."

Suddenly there were tears in her eyes. When she turned at looked at the guarded look on his face, one fell over the rim and traced a trail down her cheek. "For some reason, I'm still trying to protect you. If someone besides you tells Nate, you'll lose him; I don't want that."

Chuck's face was as hard as stone, a direct contrast to how her words had wished he would be. "I don't see why not."

"When are you going to realize I'm the same person I was before Cotillion?" Her voice was trembling with unshed tears and he still seemed unaffected.

She turned toward the stairs and ran into Serena.

"What's wrong, B?" The blonde's eyes were fixed on a point over Blair's shoulder; obviously Serena was shooting that dirty look at Chuck.

"I'm not feeling well." Another tear slipped past her defenses. "Would you make sure _everyone_ leaves?"

Serena embraced her. "Sure."

About halfway up the staircase, the tears began to fall freely, the sobs followed once her door was closed tightly behind her.

Time meant nothing as she lay there on her bed, crying with her hand cupped protectively over her stomach. Soon the door opened and Serena was sitting beside her.

"You gonna tell me what's got you so upset?"

The hand rubbing her back was soothing, but it was still difficult to find the words to explain what had triggered the pain currently crushing her.

"B?"

Blair took a deep breath and said the first thing that came to her mind: "He's just so _mean_."

Serena had the good sense not to laugh at how ridiculous Blair sounded, she just sat quietly and waited for Blair to continue.

"I love him _so much_ and all he does is _hurt_ me. Badly. Like he thinks it wouldn't effect me." Blair sighed heavily, "Why can he _see_?"

"I don't know, Blair."

* * *

Chuck didn't really know why he was back here. Serena had made it quite clear that his presence was no longer required, but the memory of tears in Blair's eyes had drawn him back to this place. So he'd given in and followed his heart back.

Like following his heart had ever brought him anything but pain.

He found the Waldorf foyer completely empty of guests, so Serena must have succeeded in kicking everyone out as Blair requested. There was no sound of people shuffling around downstairs, not even those of Blair's maid.

Taking a deep breath, he bravely began to climb the stairs toward her room, the room where they'd spent so much time immersed in each other, the room where she slept, where she hopefully had once dreamed of him...

Oh, this was a mistake already.

Once he'd reached the landing, he could see the door was open slightly and it was then that he heard the voices coming from inside. Blair's voice, rough with tears, speaking to Serena.

"Every time I see him, I hope he'll finally say that he believes me and every time he throws the words back in my face, twisted around so they don't mean anything close to how I'd intended. It's like he makes it his mission to cause me as much pain as possible. When did he turn into this unfeeling _monster_?"

Ouch. The words were spoken with an agonized edge to them and for once he understood how Serena could say that Blair was miserable. She sure sounded like she meant what she said.

Her voice was getting quieter.

"I know I hurt him badly, but I've apologized every way I could. I've begged him to believe me. I've made myself totally vulnerable. All he does with my openness is take the opportunity to drive the knife in further. What happened to the boy who..."

He heard her breath in raggedly, the sound cutting his heart.

"There was a time I would have sworn he _loved_ me, S... I want _my_ Chuck back."

Chuck's throat was tight with the pain in her words. It was like she'd shoved them down his throat and now he couldn't breathe.

He began to back away from her door and then he stumbled down the staircase before his knees weakened, bringing him to sit on a step close to the bottom. He put his face in his hands and concentrated on breathing past the bitter words she'd spoken, not knowing that he could hear them.

Well, she couldn't have _possibly_ been lying just now; she'd had no idea he was listening and she would have had no reason to be dishonest to her best friend. What else could she have been telling the truth about? Could they really have gone back to their secret life together as nothing had happened?

Had she not slept with his best friend, like she'd said? But Nate had confirmed it the other day, hadn't he?

It was like his heart was thawing in his chest and suddenly he could see her clearly. The heartbreak in her face every time she saw him was now clear, the earnest truth to her words no longer tinged with his anger.

Chuck Bass had completely screwed up.

* * *

"I don't wanna cry over him anymore," Blair wailed. "Why can't I stop crying?" She buried her face into the pillow as deeply as she could, trying to stop her tears. Between Chuck and the possibility that there were hormones causing all this crying she was doing, this whole situation would be the death of her.

"I'm sorry, B, but suffocating yourself with your pillow is not the answer." Serena's hand reached out and pulled Blair into a sitting position. "Are you sure this is all about Chuck?" Blair froze. "The fact that he's evil is _not_ news."

This whole situation was being exacerbated by her possible condition. Serena had called her out on there being more... should she tell her? Could she trust her friend to keep the information to herself? How good would it feel to have someone else to help worry about this? Someone on the same continent? A person that she shares everything with anyway?

Sniffling, Blair wiped the tears off of her face and met her best friend's eyes. There wasn't going to be any judgment from Serena; if anyone could be trusted with this, it should be her. She would tell her the abbreviated version. That way, if Blair decided telling her friend was a mistake, then a few words would settle it.

Blair placed one hand in her friend's, the other one around her stomach. "There is something else, S... I'm late."

The blonde took her other hand from where it rested across Blair's middle and stared worriedly into her friend's face. "How late?"

"Late enough." The tears came back to her eyes. "I'm so scared!"

"Oh, sweetie!" Serena enveloped her in a hug and held her there. "It's okay! It_ could_ be a false alarm! We'll get you a test-"

"No!" Blair pulled away. "I... I'm not ready for that."

Her friend studied her face. "The sooner you know, B..."

"That won't be an issue." Blair took a deep breath. "I could never..." She shook her head in horror.

Serena's eyes were glossy, her expression sympathetic. "What _will_ you do, B?"

Laying back down, Blair clutched a pillow to her chest. "I don't know. I just know that no one else can know until I do."

"Okay," Serena said, laying down next to her friend and wrapping her arms around her. "No one will know."

* * *

There was no door closing to warn Chuck he was about to have company. Serena had sat down on the stair next to him before he realized he was no longer alone.

His face was still buried in his hands.

"How much did you hear?" The question from Serena was accusatory, as if he'd meant to listen in on the conversation rather than been frozen to the place he stood by Blair's overheard words.

He didn't look at her; his imagination could fill in the anger her eyes would hold. Lifting his head and staring off at nothing in particular he answered, "Enough to know I'm an _unfeeling monster_. That was enough for me; that and finding out she knew what I felt for her and still went back to my best friend." He put his face back into his hands. "I've been sitting here ever since."

"You're such an _idiot_, Chuck."

Chuck rolled his eyes under his hands. "Tell me about it."

She grabbed his shoulder, forcing him to look in her eyes. He hoped his eyes weren't as red-rimmed as they felt; it wouldn't do for her to think he'd been crying. Even if he'd been incredibly close to doing so. She seemed to be studying his face anyway, looking for something.

"When are you going to see that she doesn't want him, Chuck?" Serena sighed, "She wants you!"

Standing up to make his escape before he said too much, he gritted his teeth. "Don't tell her I was here."

As he was walking down the few stairs that remained, she stated earnestly, "She _needs_ you, Chuck."

He paused for a moment, sighed, and replied, "And _I_ don't want to hurt her anymore."

Serena made no further attempt to stop him and he wouldn't have stopped if she'd tried; he'd said all he needed to say on the matter.

Now he needed to figure out what to do about it.

* * *

**A/N: **Working our way through School Lies... I think we all know that next episode is really important, but we've got to lay the groundwork, you know. ;) Thanks for taking the ride with me!


	32. Change in My Life

**A/N: **I am incredibly sorry for being so inconsistent with my updates. Some would say that I have no obligation to feel remorse, but I really am sorry. I love this story but I've been getting stuck more and more trying to stick to the show's progression and it's stunting things, causing blockage. Please know that I _will _finish this, no matter what. Being determined is something that I've very good at, so rest assured that you didn't start this story in vain. It may be taking me much longer than it should to write, but I will reach my denouement. This is probably not a very exciting chapter to come back with after so long a hiatus, but please hang in there and don't hate me. :P Thank you to everyone who's still taking this ride with me. Your support is extremely appreciated.

**SPECIAL THANKS to my co-mod Isa for giving this a quick look-see. I love you! -kiss-**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Gossip Girl's Chuck Bass and Blair Waldorf, I just want to prove they **_**can**_ **stand by each other through anything.**

* * *

Chapter 32

"Change in My Life"

* * *

The night after confessing her problem to Serena, Blair was having second thoughts. It seemed that, while telling her best friend about her possible pregnancy had soothed her the night before, it was causing her panic now. The reason was glaringly obvious after her breakfast came right back up the next morning.

Blair's possible pregnancy was most likely very real. Her friend's automatic inclination to have her take a test had frightened her. It meant that Serena wasn't going to wait long before trying to take matters into her own hands. It was just what she did when she cared about someone.

Serena had always been a meddler. She kind of lived for it.

As Blair made her way to school, she considered different ways to mention it to Serena that her period had come the night before, or that morning, even. Then she would be safe until the time came when she _had_ to admit her condition to everyone. If that was what she decided to do.

If her situation with Chuck continued in this way, she might infringe on her father's hospitality and just disappear for the summer. No one would be the wiser; except for the heartbreak, she could go back to her life before Chuck. The thought of living life without unseen possibilities was slightly appealing... but she could never been the same again.

There were changes to her life she'd never escape now.

She ran into Vanessa on her way into the school and took the chance to ask for the video evidence she held. If the girl knew what was good for her, she would hand over the tape. Of course, she really shouldn't expect it would be that easy to save Chuck from himself. He'd allowed the one person who fancied herself above bribery to gain sensitive information about their secret relationship. Sometimes the boy was more idiotic than she remembered.

Maybe it was the loss of her influence that made him that way.

She allowed her encounter with Docu-Girl to roll off her back for now; there would be other opportunities to get that tape back and Blair would concentrate on that later. For now, she needed to find Serena and undo the damage she'd caused the night before.

An assembly was called before Blair was given the chance to execute the plan she'd settled on.

Then Nate was expelled. Wrongfully expelled. Why would he confess to something he didn't do? Had he found out that Serena was the owner of the key? Was he still hung up on her? The last seemed unlikely, since he'd been very persistent in his pursuit of Blair herself, but it was still a possibility.

Possibilities were so inconvenient.

There was a time when Blair lived in a world that offered her no surprises; life then was a place that bent to her will and she reveled in her control of it. The insecurity of this life was something she hadn't signed up for.

Neither was the heartbreak.

After the assembly was over, Blair was overwhelmed with sympathy for her friend Nate. Even though she had registered Chuck's eyes watching her closely, she went to his best friend. Some things were just more important than a petty rivalry.

"Nate, are you okay?" she asked as she caught up with him.

He slung his backpack strap over his shoulder and slowed his stride. "I'll be fine." His eyes stayed on the ground as he talked himself into that fact out loud. "It's uh... my parents have so much other stuff going on right now, they'll get over it." Then his soft gaze met hers. "Either way, it was worth it."

Blair gulped. "Worth it?"

"Yes, Blair," he sighed. "I know how much your future means to you. I mean you've worked so hard for Yale and everything-"

There was a flash fire in his eyes that caused her to cut him off in shock. "What are you talking about?"

"You don't have to lie; I saw the key in your bedroom."

She blinked. "That key isn't mine; I was just hiding it for someone else." Then his words began to sink in. The words that explained why he'd just marred his transcript, just risked his parents wrath, just humiliated himself in front of their entire class: for her. "Wait, that's why you were suspended? You told the headmistress it was yours because you thought it was mine? Nate, that's..." she took a deep breath, "one of the kindest things anyone has ever done for me."

"I love you." He smoothed her hair away from her face and cupped her cheek, leaning in to kiss her.

She almost let him and then she snapped her head away from his touch.

"Please!" She shook her head. "You and I just can't happen"

"Why not?" Nate's eyes were pleading with her to give him a good reason why. Blair's heart was screaming his best friend's name while her head argued that Chuck wasn't a factor anymore. There was no reason why she shouldn't be with Nate. No reason why her heart should still be yearning for her child's father when all it led to was more heartache. No reason why she shouldn't want Nate, whose kindness was such a breath of fresh air after Chuck's cruelty.

There were so many reasons why she should throw herself into Nate's arms, but she still backed away from him and listened to her heart.

"I don't wanna be with you," she said, her voice unwavering in it's conviction.

He throat worked for a second before he turned to walk away. She felt the slight sting of his bitterness as he faintly repeated her words from the night of the pool party. "Good catching up."

As she watched him go, it was hard to convince herself she'd done the right thing.

* * *

Chuck watched from across the courtyard as his ex-girlfriend conversed with his best friend. He saw the pain across the boy's face as she'd turned him down again, then watched the faltering of her will as Nate walked dejectedly away from her. It was then that she looked up and locked her eyes on his.

His stomach was suddenly full of angry bees, stinging his insides in punishment for the pain in her expression. From her pinched forehead to her frown, he was the source of every line marking her face. She was beautiful in her anguish, tragically so, and he wanted to take her in his arms to taste it, to kiss every inch of it because it was _his._ She had belonged to him and every part of him still clung to her.

If he knew taking a step toward her would change their situation, he would take it. His foot twitched in anticipation of moving in the direction that would make him whole again and end his trip through the wasteland he currently traveled.

But his feet stayed rooted to the place where he stood.

Nothing had changed. Not even now that she cared enough to hurt over his treatment of her had changed what they had become. They were separated by the mistakes they'd made and taking that step would pull him back under. It would open his heart back up to the vulnerability of feeling, drowning him in the quicksand of loving her too much. The pain he currently suffered was a mosquito bite compared to the all-consuming despair he'd exist in if he willingly let her tear him apart again.

Instead of walking toward her, he turned away and headed for The Palace. Once there, he could toss the tape in his pocket into the trash and pretend for a moment that his feelings followed it. He could pretend that there was nothing left between himself and the brunette bombshell who'd scattered his life in the fallout from experiencing her fire.

Even if every glance they shared proved it his freedom from her thrall be a lie. If he could fool himself for even a few minutes, it would be worth the reprieve.

At this point, any good sense he possessed had been long lost as collateral damage.

* * *

After arriving back at her penthouse, Blair had time enough to change her outfit before the doorman called up to announce a visitor. She had arrived at the bottom of the staircase as Vanessa walked into the foyer from the elevator. Blair rolled her eyes. "What are you doing here?"

The dark haired girl held up a tiny video tape. "I brought this for you."

Narrowing her eyes Blair asked, "What's the catch?"

A self-righteous smirk twisted Vanessa's mouth. "I know this might come as a shock, but not everyone operates from an agenda. In fact, some people do things simply because it's the decent thing to do." She held out the tape so that Blair could take it from her. "Smash it, burn it, whatever; there are no copies."

Pulling it from the other girl's fingers, there was only one more order of business before Blair could dismiss her. "What about the one you gave to Chuck?"

"It's blank, which I'm sure he'll be thrilled to discover." Blair had to stop herself from sighing in relief at this as Vanessa continued: "And about what's on that tape: having observed you in your natural habitat these last few days, Nate seems like one of the good guys and you seem to really care about him."

Without missing a beat, Blair responded softly, "Appearances can be deceiving."

As the bewildered Brooklynite walked back to the elevator, her words echoed through Blair's head. Sure, the girl really didn't know Nate, Chuck, or Blair, but it was hard to completely discount her view of their interaction.

Nate _was_ a good guy most of the time, who'd done a few unsavory things in the past. His naivete tended to get him into some situations that he hadn't foreseen, which got him in deeper than he expected and led to the trouble he could sometimes find himself in.

But Chuck could be a good guy, too. Blair had seen it over and over again when they'd been alone. She had seen him be considerate and vulnerable, experienced the kindness of his touch and the gentle affection that had shown in his eyes when held her. It had been awhile, but there was something about the way he'd looked at her in the courtyard that told her not to discount it. She'd expected him to be furious with her for going to Nate after the assembly. Instead, he'd just watched her. Almost like he knew she was wavering.

Because she was. Surprisingly, she was finding Nate slipping into her thoughts more than he had in months, even in the time when they'd been spending all their free time in each others' company.

Admitting that to herself made her heart hurt a little.

Her heart still belonged to Chuck, but her brain was starting to see an advantage to Nate's current obsession with her.

After destroying the tape by breaking it in half and tossing it in her bathroom garbage can, Blair had one more piece of business to attend to regarding the damning piece of plastic: it required a cab ride to Brooklyn and a conversation with a greasy-looking Ukrainian. It was a relief to tell Vanessa about her bit of altruism in return for the tape. The tiny bit of gratitude that Blair had felt towards the other girl had been weighing on her. The medical grant Vanessa had started in Chuck's name not withstanding.

Now that Blair was free to return to disliking her, life felt a little less off balance.

Balance was very hard to come by these days, her current condition added to her ex-boyfriends made the whole world seem off-kilter. She found herself yearning for the days before her break-up with Nate more and more just because they seemed so much simpler when she looked back on them now. It was obvious that they'd been meant to end, but the reasons didn't seem as earth-shattering now. The heartbreak she could have sworn she'd gone through had dulled with time and it seemed like maybe he'd never really hurt her at all.

The events of the last few months had given her sensory overload of the most acute kind and everything else seemed dim in comparison with the degrees of love and pain she'd experienced since Chuck had dared her to dance. There was nothing about her life before that moment that seemed as sharp and damaging as what she lived with every day now. Would going back to those days, where her biggest worry was the next party and what she would wear, be possible? With Nate at her side, she just might be able to recapture that carefree feeling she'd lost. Would it be something that made her life make sense again, for just a little while?

It couldn't last. It wouldn't last. And if Chuck held fast to his threat, then it could end as quick as Blair could put it in motion.

But her sanity demanded that she try. That she go to Nate and try to obtain some normalcy before her life went topsy-turvy for the rest of it.

They say that when it rains, it pours. Everything about the world seemed to be coming down around her and Nate seemed like he might be the safe port in her current storm.

And it had been so long since she'd truly felt safe.

* * *

A/N: This is all I've got for now, but I'm going to try extremely hard not to take so long for the next. I really am grateful you're still here to read this.


	33. This Time Around

**A/N: **Okay, this chapter was a lot easier to write than I anticipated. I've actually had it sitting on my computer a few days. :D I'm so proud of myself. This is the last chapter in School Lies. I anticipate one chapter between this episode and the next, but maybe not even that. I think some of you figured out how this chapter is going to end, but the twist was something I didn't even know I was going to do until I was writing it. I hope it takes you by surprise too!

**SPECIAL THANKS to my beta. Isa, you're the bestest! -kiss-**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Gossip Girl's Chuck Bass and Blair Waldorf, I just want to prove they **_**can**_ **stand by each other through anything.**

* * *

Chapter 33

"This Time Around"

* * *

Chuck had escaped from his father's engagement party shortly after Serena claimed that she was going to get some air. Since he'd been dying to do the same thing the whole evening, it seemed like the perfect time to get away. He had been feeling stifled ever since showing up at Bart's request; seeing how happy his father had become was hard to handle when Chuck himself was so miserable. Misery must really love company because being faced with the joy in his father's eyes had made it hard to breathe.

And since he couldn't have the company he craved, he'd have to settle for being alone. It had always been good enough for him in the past and he'd just have to get back into the swing of being a loner.

So he'd escaped as soon as he could manage it and wandered down the hall, around the corner where he couldn't be seen and slid down to sit on the floor with his back against the wall. His hand was itching for a glass of scotch, but he'd neglected to grab one before making his exit, so it would have to wait. If he could justify leaving without announcing his exit, he would just go back to his suite and drink away the silence.

He'd known Serena might follow him; from the way she'd been studying him all night, it was obvious that she'd seen what she was looking for. It was why he'd done his best to turn up his normal sleaze and make the expected jokes about missed childhood memories and bathing together. But the blonde was too nosy for her own good and it seemed she'd set her sights on annoying him into giving her something to bring back to Blair. He shouldn't have let her see him so upset the night before, but he couldn't help how wrecked he was after witnessing Blair's anguish. Feeling for her wasn't something he could switch off anymore and that's why Serena had witnessed his own torment.

Now he heard the sound of heels coming his way and it was too late to pull his leg toward himself to keep Serena from seeing his foot on the floor.

Plus, it would cheer him up to got to see her almost trip when she came around the corner.

"Chuck!" She had staggered a little, fixing him with a glare. "What are you doing on the floor?"

"Checking the length of your skirt, Sis." He sneered. "I say a little higher."

"Stop it!" Then she actually stamped her foot. "What is _with_ you tonight?"

To escape the foot, just in case she decided to aim next time, he stood and leaned against the wall with his arms crossed. "Why would you say that? I'm just being myself."

"No, you're not." She asserted, "You're deflecting. Acting like an ass so I won't ask questions."

Chuck rolled his eyes. "Obviously I'm going to have to try a different approach."

"Please, don't." Serena sighed and spoke softly, "You _can_ talk to me, you know."

"What could I possibly have to talk about?" He spread his arms and thrust out his chest. "I'm _perfectly_ content."

"Liar." She reached out and guided his arms back to his sides. "You're miserable. I've been watching you all night and you're miserable without her."

He scoffed even though she was right on target. "You're delusional."

"No, I'm not." Shaking her head, she continued, "I _know_ now how much this affecting you. Last night I saw _you_ hurting as much as she is."

"Then you need to have your vision checked; you must need glasses if you're seeing things that aren't there." He studied his fingernails as he suggested, "Or maybe you should cut out some manicures and up your shrink appointments..."

"Why do you do that?!" She shoved him back against the wall and threw her hands down at her sides in frustration. "I'm trying to help you!"

Chuck tightened his hands into fists. "And I don't want your help!"

As he turned and walked a few paces away from her, she passed right by him to face him again. "Why not, Chuck? Afraid of what you'll say?"

"Talking won't help." Closing his eyes, he breathed deeply before meeting hers. "I know we're gonna be related, but you don't have to show so much interest in my welfare. It's fake concern and it'll get you nowhere with me. Go back to your best friend and tell her I'm as much of a monster as ever and push her into Nate's arms where she _wants_ to be. It's inevitable." He sighed. "Just leave me alone."

She blinked in shock. "If you'd _just_ talk to her, you'd know Nate is the last person she wants. You'd know she'd do practically anything to undo _whatever_ caused this mess." She grabbed his shoulder and squeezed it gently. "You'd know how much she _loves_ you."

He stiffened in place, the thought of Blair admitting her feelings to her best friend causing hope to inflate his heart, squeezing out a beat a little more lively than the others of late. Then he shook himself out of it. "Talking to her will only make things worse. She needs to forget about me."

"Pushing her away only hurts you _both_, Chuck. Why won't you just go to her? Why are you _making_ this so difficult?"

He turned away from Serena. "I've realized that _I_ can't make her happy. She needs to move on, no matter how much it hurts me." Turning his head towards the wall, he confessed, "No matter how much _I_ love _her_."

While Serena was standing in stunned silence behind him, he took a few slow steps, rounded the corner and made his way toward the elevator.

This time, Serena let him leave.

* * *

In her room, Blair was dialing Serena for the fourth time... and her best friend still wasn't picking up. It was really starting to upset her. Being alone in her apartment, her mother out of town and Dorota gone for the night, the silence was deafening. The walls felt like they were closing in on her and she just couldn't handle it. Even though she'd practically decided to go back after Nate, her thoughts were still spinning in the direction of his best friend.

Being alone with her thoughts was the scariest thing in the world right now. Her fingers were itching to dial Chuck's number, but every time she started to type it in she jabbed the clear button. Calling Chuck would be disastrous. She recalled the acidic words he'd spoken to her the previous night then compared them to the look in his eyes and the way he'd watched her earlier that day; something was different and she couldn't quite put her finger on it.

Something was about to happen, something big, and Blair could feel that any choice she made now would change everything. If she stayed as she was – single, frightened, and alone – it would give whatever was wavering between her and Chuck a chance to settle. But if she followed her plan and went back to Nate, it could either improve her current situation or bring her world crashing down around her. It could either be the best choice she'd ever made or the worst.

What if Nate had decided not to take her back? Their interaction that afternoon may have pushed him away for good. And if they got back together, it was possible everything would fall apart anyway. It was possible they wouldn't be able to stand each other or they would fight.

If she went back to Nate, she was sure Chuck would never take her back. But would choosing Nate lead Chuck to finally telling his best friend that he'd been Blair's first? That he loved Blair and couldn't bear watching her with Nate? Was being with Nate the only way to get Chuck to come clean?

Everything was such a mess and her mind was driving itself around in circles with confusion over what her next step should be. Should she choose practicality with Nate? Should she chance either agony or bliss with Chuck?

Of course, there was also the baby to consider; no matter which road she chose, the child she carried would probably make either a dead end.

Her situation seemed hopeless; running in any direction that would get her far, far away from her life right now seemed like the best idea she'd ever had. Would her mother let her leave Manhattan for Lyon before Spring Break started? Getting out of New York was all she wanted to do right now and her powers of persuasion could best her mother's without much effort.

There was a sudden, soft knock on her door before it swung slowly open and Nate appeared. After the way that they had parted that afternoon, him coming over was the last thing she'd expected.

"Nate... what are you doing here?"

He shoved his hands deep in his pockets. "I got a text from Serena saying I should come over. That you wanted to talk."

"Oh, yeah." So that was why her best friend hadn't picked up her phone... it seemed the blonde was picking up some scheme pointers after all. "You're probably wondering why I would ask you here."

Steadily, he met her eyes. "After our last conversation, yeah."

She carefully considered how to start the conversation that could change her life. "Do you think it's possible for two people who've been through as much as we have to really forgive and forget?" At this Chuck's face briefly went through her mind and she did her best to force the image back down below the surface of her consciousness. Either she would be with Nate and be happy or she would be with Nate and Chuck would finally admit the way he felt.

There were no other options that Blair would accept.

Nate studied her for a moment. "If we really want to, I think we can."

Taking a deep breath, Blair decided to take the plunge and risk his rebuff. "I've realized that maybe things didn't work out between us because we were never friends. Since Monaco you've become my friend, Nate." Then she took a deep breath and suggested, "Even though a lot of mistakes have been made..."

He cut her off eagerly. "If you're ready to forgive me, then nothing can tear us apart this time around." Reaching for her hands, he leaned in to stare into her eyes. "I promise."

"What you said earlier... I still care about you." She gulped. "Always have, always will."

Nate pulled her into his arms and kissed her; Blair resisted every urge to push him away.

Somehow, she'd get through this. Her sanity depended on it.

Even though her heart just shattered to pieces, at least she'd still be sane.

* * *

Standing outside Blair's building, Chuck stared up at the light in the window. He'd followed his best friend here after using the phone he'd swiped from Serena to text his friend. The plan had been easy to execute, but watching the shadows in the window was killing him. As it had to see Blair's number light up her best friend's phone several times after he'd sent the text message.

When the silhouette's merged together, he knew it was over. Nate and Blair were together again and he was the odd man out. It was funny, but orchestrating their reunion hadn't made him feel any better about the fact that his best friend would now be the one she ran to.

Nate would be the one to hold her while she slept. It was Nate that would have the right to touch her and call her his.

Just thinking about it made him want to vomit.

She was going to be happy. Even if it caused him agony, it was the only thing he would except; Blair's happiness was more important to him than anything. Knowing that his best friend was everything that she's always wanted meant that guiding them back together would achieve that goal. He would bring the smile back to her face and the light back to her eyes.

Pushing her back to his best friend was only too easy... she must have been wavering more than he'd thought when he'd seen them part in the courtyard.

He would be damned if the girl would cry over him again. Not if he could help it. Causing Blair pain was a thing of the past and he'd just done the only thing he knew would prevent her tears. The only thing he knew could help her forget what they had once meant to each other.

Now he just had to survive the hell of seeing them together.

Funny how what he'd been dreading was now going to be his doing. It was going to be hard to remember that when he was actually faced with what he'd done. He'd put them together. The two people he cared most for were going to get some peace; that was what he wanted.

His own contentment wasn't possible so he'd sacrificed it for theirs.

Chuck started walking back toward the limo sitting at the end of the block. Lighting a cigarette, he watched the ash burn after taking a deep drag.

Fleetingly he decided this was how it must feel to burn.

* * *

**A/N:** You're not allowed to kill me. Seriously, you're not. I'm the only one who can fix what I've just done! -RUNS-


	34. Lost Without Each Other

**A/N:** Okay, so I lied when I thought there would be an in-between-episodes chapter here. LOL. We're diving right into the madness that is "A Thin Line Between Chuck and Nate" so strap yourselves in... it's gonna be a bumpy ride. Thanks to everyone who leaves me a review. I really do cherish them and they usually brighten my day if I open them when I'm at work. LOL. By the way, this chapter is named after one of my favorite up-tempo Hanson songs... maybe you'll Youtube it. :D

**SPECIAL THANKS to my beta. Isa, you're the bestest! -kiss-**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Gossip Girl's Chuck Bass and Blair Waldorf, I just want to prove they **_**can**_ **stand by each other through anything.**

* * *

Chapter 34

"Lost Without Each Other"

* * *

Knowing that she was Nate Archibald's girlfriend again was an odd feeling and just how different it was to be his this time made Blair a little sad.

Their previous relationship, the one that spanned from childhood to seventeen, in comparison to their renewed commitment was hard to comprehend. It seemed impossible that the considerate, attentive Nate she was with now could have ever made her feel so ignored and alone. If the person she was back then had been dating the Nate of now, Chuck would have never entered the picture. She would have spent countless hours of bliss with such a courteous boyfriend. All she'd ever wanted was a boyfriend who texts her good morning, calls when he says he will, and kisses her goodnight as if he will be counting the seconds until he sees her again.

If only Chuck hadn't been all those things for her and more when she'd been his. It would be so much easier now to be Nate's if Chuck hadn't set the bar so much higher than Blair could have even imagined. If only she was still the Blair Waldorf that was desperately in love with Nate.

If only the Fairytale of first love was still her most fervent dream.

The week after reuniting with Nate flew by in a flurry of him opening doors and bringing her flowers, like she'd always thought a good boyfriend should, but Blair couldn't have been more miserable. It was extremely painful for her to hear Nate's effortless and constant declarations of love when it was everything she'd wanted just months ago. All she wanted now was to hear his best friend say those same words he was saying like they were going out of style. Add to that the nuisance of being hounded by her own best friend to take a pregnancy test, and it was as bad as being stuck in one of those teen soap operas. She'd never thought her life would be like this. That her honestly would be questioned by Serena when she'd attempted to undo the damage of her teary confession by telling the blonde a plausible story.

The girl that was her best friend refused to believe her without proof. This proof, of course, being in the form of a minus sign on a plastic stick. Apparently her friend had discovered Google and done some research on pregnancy, including the fact that a monthly period wasn't a sure sign you weren't with child.

The test was the only way Serena would back down and it was the only way Blair's secret would be confirmed as true. There was no way Blair was going to take the test and let her deep, dark secret surface into awareness from where she'd buried it. The prospect of seeing her fears confirmed in the form of a scientific fact was terrifying for her, even though she knew it to be true.

Serena wasn't giving up and Blair's sanity demanded that she not give in. It definitely wasn't the first time neither would budge on something and it seemed this was a game where they would be calling each other's bluff.

Nothing like gambling her reputation away on a losing hand.

* * *

_**What's the difference between gossip and scandal? So glad you asked UES4ever. Anyone can commit a minor indiscretion and and generate a day's worth of buzz, but in order for gossip to birth a true scandal it requires the right person to be in the wrong place. Take one It-Girl on a pedestal, add a crowd eager to see her fall, and give them the means to knock her down.**_

* * *

When Serena approached Blair on the steps of The Met that Thursday morning, hot on the tail of Gossip Girl claiming the blonde was spotted red-handed purchasing a pregnancy test, it really shouldn't have been a shock when that _same_ test was shoved into Blair's hands. If she wasn't so upset by all that was happening to her, she would have been more on top of Serena's moves. It wasn't often her best friend caught her off guard.

"Just take the test, B," Serena insisted.

Pushing the box away from her, Blair growled, "Stop it!"

Her best friend, the one she was _this close_ to throwing down the stairs they were standing on, handed it right back. Serena sighed dramatically, "Just take the test. You need to know if you and Chuck are gonna have a baby." Then the taller girl looked deep into Blair's shocked eyes and gave her that look that said Blair would not win this round.

Unfortunately, by saying those words aloud, the ones that joined her name with her ex-boyfriend's and added the word _baby_, Serena really did have Blair right where she wanted her. The brunette was frozen for a long second, just experiencing the tingle it shot down her spine, the one she always got when she remembered she was carrying Chuck's child. That the tiny person growing inside her was part her, part him, and was made out of love before her life fell apart.

Then the world came back to her and Blair shook her head in an effort to clear the tears that had been rising in her eyes. Those tears that were the reason why she _never_ allowed herself to think that way about the unfortunate consequence of letting herself fall in love with Chuck Bass.

Shoving the box in her bag to get it out of sight, Blair stormed away from the blonde and towards school.

The rest of the morning passed rather uneventfully, unless you count the sick feeling she got in the pit of her stomach whenever she thought of what her purse was concealing. Serena had caught her eye a couple of times, but Blair pointedly ignored her every time. And she'd been on guard so that she'd be prepared to flee if she spotted Chuck. After her almost-breakdown on the steps, her lapse in judgment, seeing him would just be too painful.

The one time that Chuck came around a corner too quickly for her to escape, she discovered she was completely right as to how hard it would be to face him. The handbag felt heavier somehow when his haunted hazel eyes met hers. And even though he didn't attempt to speak to her or follow her, it allowed his immense sadness to seep into her pores and wrench at her gut.

It was after this encounter that Blair's detour brought her to a bathroom and her breakfast decided to promptly evacuate it's contents, just as it had practically everything she'd eaten in the last week. Between her constant trips to involuntarily empty the little she'd eaten from her stomach and the loss of sleep from her heartache over Chuck or the stress of knowingly using Nate, she was sapped of energy. It was hard to concentrate in class or remember what was said. Even her favorite subjects had become yawn-inducing.

Living a lie was utterly exhausting.

After the spasms stopped, Blair left the stall and wandered to the sink to wash her hands. It took a moment after leaving the stall to realize Jenny Humphrey was staring at her reflection in the mirror, eyes carefully guarded. Blair stood next to her and straightened her hair to appear normal, but the bitch just couldn't resist.

"You doin' okay, Blair?" the young girl asked with a slight smirk.

"Bad Sashimi," Blair snapped before thinking and stormed out the door before the wannabe could question her story. In normal circumstances the explanation would be enough to control the damage, but after their confrontation that morning on The Met steps, Blair almost wouldn't blame her for tipping Gossip Girl off to Blair's visit to the little girl's room. It's what she would do in the circumstances and the thing that had her keeping Little J around was her brief moments where she reminded Blair of herself.

Oh, well, Blair could always have her best friend say something to the girl later... except that she couldn't. Serena was busy being too nosy about Blair's life for much else to fit in her social calendar. Blair pushed the entire situation out of her mind and decided to deal with it later; there was nothing she could do about it now. After school she could devote more energy to it, maybe after a nap she wouldn't feeling so drained.

After one more class it was time to meet Nate in the courtyard for lunch. He'd insisted they do this one day a week since they'd reunited, even though she'd argued that she had an obligation to be at The Met with her minions. He wouldn't be deterred so she was sharing a bench with him, discussing her accompanying him on his next visit to his father in Rehab.

"You always know how to make him laugh ," Nate had said, his eyes wide. It was the pitiful, puppy-dog look that _used_ _to _make her her heart melt, but was now just slightly annoying. On the one hand, she was feeling extremely sorry for _her friend_ Nate, with his difficult situation, but on the other, it was hard to swallow when she realized this was how he'd always treated her when he wanted something.

Between her disgust at knowing how many times that look had manipulated her and her shock at his asking for her help, she chose to comment on the latter as convincingly as possible. "Nathaniel Archibald, you've never asked me for anything and here you are, officially leaning on me!" She sold him on her gratefulness for his confidence by adding breathlessly, "This time we're gonna be so much better together."

"We already are," he responded sincerely and leaned toward her to press his lips to hers.

It was while Nate was kissing her softly that the weight of the air around her changed abruptly and the tiny hairs on her neck stood up, causing her skin to tingle. Pulling gently away from Nate she instantly locked eyes with his best friend, who was watching them from across the courtyard. Chuck must have come around the corner just in time to witness the kiss, and the desolate look on her ex-boyfriend's face stole her next breath. He looked tortured and pitiful, and he didn't even try to hide it when his eyes met hers.

There was no blow-up, no fight, no _stay away from my girl_ like there would have been in any movie she'd ever seen, just silent endurance of her very public display of affection with Nate. All he did was stand there helplessly while she studied him from his best friend's side and waited for him to do _something_.

When the boy she loved quietly backed away and left her line of sight, tears began to fill her eyes, but she blinked them away as quickly as they'd risen. There was no point in allowing Nate to see her tears when the inane story he was telling wasn't capable of breaking her heart like the sliver of a second's brush with Chuck just had.

Now was the time to accept that Chuck was _never_ going to claim her, no matter whose arm she dangled herself from in an attempt to force a confession from him. He'd walked away again, just like he had at Cotillion, just like it seemed he always would. He was too much of a coward to take what should be his and Blair needed to realize that before it completely wrecked her.

As Nate continued to ramble on about something she was too numb to feign interest in, or recall later, she sat in shock at the suffocating knowledge that was finally sinking in...

There would be no "Happily Ever After" for the story of Chuck and Blair. There was only enough ink to write "The End."

* * *

Chuck had been keeping track of how much time was passing by numbering the glasses of scotch he consumed.

After reluctantly orchestrating Blair's reunion with Nate, he'd drained his entire stock and slept until six the next evening. He'd attended a couple of parties over the weekend in an attempt to distract himself, but left each one alone. Whatever it was that had always drawn him to the lifestyle of a Playboy had lost it's luster in the fallout of his brief relationship with Blair.

He'd also avoided a dozen or so calls from his best friend out of pure self preservation. With the amount of alcohol in his system, there was no way to trust his inner censor to catch anything Chuck might say if Blair's name came up in the conversation. There was also the chance that his best friend's happiness would cause the hole in his chest to swell large enough to put him out of his misery permanently by swallowing him whole.

School passed in a blur of classes he didn't care about and people he'd push off the roof of The Palace if given the chance. There was no use flirting with every girl in sight to give Blair a taste of her own medicine because the few glimpses of her he'd caught apparently sent her running in the opposite direction.

It was almost like she couldn't take the look on his face, or to even think of him when she was busy rekindling her romance with Nate. The thought was delusional, but somehow it soothed his pain to imagine he was still under her skin that deep. Almost as if she actually cared that this was killing him.

And then he'd come around an innocent enough looking corner and walked right into his own personal level of hell. Seeing her there with Nate, looking so content and happy, signed his death certificate.

Her distressed gaze met his between sugary-sweet kisses and he hoped she saw the agony he was in. He wouldn't hide it because at that moment, no matter what he'd thought he'd wanted for her, he needed her to know the excruciating agony his life had become.

She needed to be with Nate to be happy, but he needed her away from Nate to get a moment of peace. He pushed her towards his best friend because he loved them both, but maybe he hadn't realized how much _more _he loved _her_. God, he loved her so much more than he'd ever thought himself capable of loving another person. This was a forever kind of love and there was nothing he could do to change that.

This _was _hell. Maybe he'd just change his address so that they'd know where to deliver the scotch.

* * *

**A/N: **Laying the ground work for what's to come... it's no surprise what's gonna happen next chapter. Or is it? ;)**  
**


	35. Day Has Come

**A/N:** I'm not going to waste time on a long author's note trying to explain why it's been so long between updates. The simple truth is the show hasn't made it easy to write, the way they've twisted our babies in knots. I thank the people that keep asking for updates to this, especially those who review other pieces and chant "Update If Only" in their comments. Knowing that there are still some following this is definitely incentive to keep on. You're my inspiration in these times of turmoil. This chapter is un-beta'd because, as usual, I think you've waited long enough. I'm hoping you'll excuse my human errors in the interest of getting this sooner!

**SPECIAL THANKS to my co-mod. Isa, you're the bestest! -kiss- I hope you enjoy your extremely belated birthday present, hun.**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Gossip Girl's Chuck Bass and Blair Waldorf, I just want to prove they **_**can**_ **stand by each other through anything.**

* * *

Chapter 35

"Day Has Come"

* * *

As days go, this one seemed to be the longest one yet for Blair. She'd sat through her classes as the teachers droned on and she couldn't concentrate on a word they'd said. Both the box in her purse and Chuck's face were haunting her and seemed to be all she could see. A white board with math equations just couldn't hold her interest against those obstacles.

The fact that all Chuck had done was stand there was the last thing on her mind.

Once free from school, she couldn't deter Nate's determination to walk her home. He kept saying what a beautiful day it was and grabbing her hand if she managed to get it from his grasp. It was strange, since Nate had never been pushy with her. He'd always taken what she'd said or done at face value and offered no resistance.

It happened again when he wanted to ride the elevator up with her, not taking _no_ for an answer. Then when he wanted to go upstairs with her.

When Nate leaned in to kiss her, to try and change her mind, she turned her head. Unfortunately that just meant his mouth landed on her throat. Which made her want to gag even more than the actual kiss would have... the way she felt every time he touched her, actually.

Pulling away gently, she sighed for dramatic effect. "I'm really tired, Nate. I'm going to sleep. There's no point."

"Come on, Blair. I haven't been _upstairs_ since we got back together." He wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her body against his, his puppy-dog eyes steady on hers. "Haven't I been punished enough?"

He was pretending to be innocent, that his only thought wasn't on getting her naked, but it was crystal clear for Blair. After Cotillion, she should have known. Nate had been waiting for her with a hotel room and she'd only fallen into the trap because of Chuck. And then she'd pushed him away _because of Chuck_, but he thought it was punishment for some ancient wrong that she couldn't even pinpoint.

Something so unimportant to her that she'd forgotten it.

So that's what this was about. He'd been a perfect gentleman because he thought there was a reason to be, not because he'd done some growing up or seen the errors in their prior relationship as clearly as she had. That's why he'd been buying her flowers, walking her home from school, asking for her to visit his father with him...

"I can't believe you!" She shoved him away violently. "That's your agenda? Acting as sweet as possible because I haven't slept with you?"

He shrugged. "Was I wrong to think we'd pick up where we left off after the ball?"

She wanted to slap him; it was so hard not to strike him then. He referenced that night like it was any other, the night that changed her life so completely. To hear him speak as if he'd been the damaged party was unbearable.

"I want you to leave, Nate," she whispered, afraid of her tone if she spoke out loud. Inside she was seething.

Nate shook his head. "No. We're finally talking about this. I'm not going anywhere until I get an answer. Why do you _always_ push me away, Blair?"

Her heart twisted in her chest at the reason why, tears welling up in her eyes. "I can't tell you that." She threw her head from side to side violently. "Don't make me," she squeaked as she backed away.

He caught her arm before she got too far away. "What happened to 'we'll be so much better this time,' Blair? Why are you doing this?"

Chuck's face loomed in her vision, first from the stairs at Cotillion, then then from today in the courtyard, both as he watched her kissing his best friend. "I just can't do this anymore, Nate. It's over."

The tears overflowed with a sob, and he pulled her into his arms, supposedly to comfort her. She fought her way free again and wrapped her arms around her own body, crying quietly.

"Blair..."

Lifting her tired eyes to Nate's confused face broke her resolve. He truly had no idea. No matter what she'd done to give herself away, he really didn't know and it wasn't fair to him. It never had been.

This had to end.

"I fell in love with someone else while we were apart," she said brokenly.

Nate's face wasn't quite as shocked as she thought it would be, but his tone was still flat with disbelief. "What?"

"You're my first love, but I'm not in love with you anymore. These past few weeks have been perfect, but I've been using you to lie to myself. I thought if you and I tried again, I'd be distracted and my heart wouldn't hurt so much, but it's making it worse." His face was so shocked at her confession, she had to take a breath to steady herself. "Which is why we can't be together, okay? It's not fair to you and I'm sorry."

He was fishing for words. "I make you that miserable?"

She reached out, brushing her fingertips down the right arm of his jacket, her mouth forming a self-deprecating smirk. "I make _me_ that miserable. What I've done. It's not you, Nate." She lightly squeezed his forearm. "You've been wonderful."

Nate covered her hand with his left, searching her eyes with his own. "Who is it, Blair?"

Swallowing hard, she closed her eyes and breathed deeply. "It doesn't matter."

"You won't tell me?"

A tear slipped down her cheek. "I ruined it so throughly you'll never have to worry about it."

He nodded to himself, but wasn't necessarily convinced. "I guess I'll just go."

With that he walked into the elevator and out of her life.

Blair allowed herself a moment sigh and bask in relief. She'd finally having faced the truth; no more lying to Nate, no more lying to herself.

She scribbled a note for Dorota not to let anyone disturb her, including Serena, before trudging up the stairs. A nap was what she needed. Sleep would help clear her head and help her face what she knew she must do: she was going to open that damned cardboard box and do what Serena had been bugging her to do all day. Once it confirmed what she'd known as truth for so long now, she could start to deal with the repercussions.

As she fell into her bed fully clothed, she wondered if Nate's first call would be Chuck and if it would make any difference to him that she was single again.

* * *

Life since reuniting Blair and Nate was pretty uneventful for Chuck Bass. He went to school, he caught a glimpse of Blair, he waited the day out and then went back to his suite and drunk himself into an oblivion. Problem with that was, it was taking more alcohol to dull the pain than it used to. Well, it was either that or it hurt him more with each day.

Both options sucked in equal measure.

He didn't deal with this thing in his previous life. The one where he ruined the reputations of numerous girls without any of the emotional consequences. Now he was stuck in the cycle and didn't know how to break it. He used to be impervious to heartache.

Used to being the operative words.

So he went about his usual routine after school, except this time he'd walked into an emotional minefield and accidentally caught Nate and Blair in mid-kiss. The sight had of course opened up the wound all over again and sent his mood into a tailspin. The anguish pumping through his veins today wouldn't be cooled with the swilled scotch and flipped the channels on his television. Not that he was interested in anything he found there anyway, nothing that could distract him.

Not even the porn.

He was about to give up and move his drinking to the Hotel bar, just for a change of scenery, when there was a knock on his door. Placing his glass down on the table in front of his couch, he was turning the knob after a few steps to swing the barrier open.

"Hi, Chuck," Serena greeted him as if she didn't want to be there, her hands gripping tightly to the handbag in her palms

After all that he'd said to his future step-sister-slash-Blair's-best-friend, finding her on the other side of his threshold put him on the immediate defensive. This girl was most likely a spy for Blair, yet he ended up incriminating himself every time he spoke with her. She was the only person he'd ever confessed his feelings for Blair to. For all that he knew, she had already squealed and Blair was reveling in his misery.

So he made his first offensive move by saying something he knew would unnerve her. "Please, call me brother."

She rolled her eyes at him, unmoved. "I need to talk to you."

"About getting knocked up?" He sneered, trying again to make her ill at ease. She shifted from one foot to the other.

He doubted the blast was true, but the way she reacted to _that_ attack meant something was up. Why did the words make her so uncomfortable? His curiosity was what caused him to wave her inside of his room. "I must say, I was a little disappointed you weren't more careful."

Leaving the door open, he strode over to the bar to offer her a drink, assuming she would follow and close the door behind herself.

She scooted onto one of the stools. "Chuck, I really need to trust you." Making eye contact with him through the mirror that had been once again placed over the bar, she sighed. "I'm hoping that deep down inside you're actually a decent person and won't make me regret this. Actually, I know you are because this isn't about me..."

"You're here for Blair, aren't you?" His heart sank a few notches, hoping she didn't notice. If this mission was from Blair, there had to be only one reason for Serena's presence. One thing that would make Blair send an emissary to control an unsavory detail from being broadcast. "I'm not going to tell Nate about us," he droned, "I tortured her, got board, moved on."

Serena was undeterred. "There's no moving on just yet." She sighed heavily. "The pregnancy test wasn't for me, it was for Blair."

"What?" It felt like someone had pulled the rug out from under him. And that the rug had been covering a hole.

This was certainly an unexpected twist.

He ran through his head the countless times they'd made love, trying to pinpoint the moment they'd been careless, but he couldn't. There were close calls, but they'd always been careful in the end. They'd always taken that precaution.

And then he remembered Nate. It was the final piece of proof that Blair _had_ slept with Nate at Cotillion. Blair dating Nate because he _pushed_ them back together.

He almost tried pinching himself to wake from this _nightmare_.

It seemed that Serena had still been talking while his world was burning to the ground. "She won't take it. So given, if she's pregnant, you're the father..."

The word _father _echoed in his ears. Father of Blair's baby. Blair carrying his child. Somehow that wouldn't be the worst thing to ever happen to him.

If only it wasn't so far from the truth.

"No." He shook his head sadly. "We used condoms."

She slapped the surface of the bar softly. "Well, obviously it broke!"

The sorrow was swallowing him, making it hard to breath. He patted her hand gently. "What is obvious is that your best friend has kept you in the dark."

Serena glanced from where he'd touched her to his face, her eyes filled with concern. "What are you talking about?"

"I said I handle my business..." he trailed off and stared across the room. "Apparently Nate doesn't." Sighing, he finished, "It's him you should be asking for help."

A hand reached across the bar and gripped the lapel of his sweater, causing his eyes to snap to hers. She gave him a little shake. "Stop saying that!"

"It's the only explanation, Serena." He pulled away from her. "The only way this makes any sense."

Serena's face was incredulous. "Except that it _doesn't_ make any sense, Chuck. She couldn't have done what you refuse to believe she didn't do. Why don't you ask Nate? Has he said _specifically _that he and Blair slept together that night?"

His face went blank. "It's been _inferred_, Serena. That's enough."

"What I know about _that night_ is that Nate called me looking for her. They had fallen asleep and she was gone when he woke up. I found her in 1812, where she couldn't stop crying."

"So?"

Serena's eyes flashed in fury. "So, she went looking for _you_, was crying _for you_. Nate was the furthest thing from her mind and still is, even though she's dating him." Taking a breath, she continued more calmly, "She's still in love with you, Chuck, which means that relationship going to implode as soon as it happened. It's doomed."

"I still don't hear anything concrete," Chuck responded, hesitant, trying not to let her words raise any hope in his heart.

"You're wrong about this," she argued gently. "If you still don't believe me, then ask Nate. You owe it to Blair. And once you finally understand that she _never _slept with him, the two of you can tackle this pregnancy thing together. You're the only one she'll listen to."

When Serena walked out, Chuck's head continued to spin around. She'd dug a chunk out of the ground under his feet and planted a seed of doubt. The fact that Nate had never explicitly announced he'd finally taken his long time girlfriend's _virginity _was suddenly very suspicious. Perhaps he should just go to the source. He probably should have done so a long time ago, but the idea had always been too painful a prospect.

Now that he'd believed it for so long, would it really be so hard to have it confirmed as reality? Especially if Serena turned out to be right about his error?

What if she _is_ right?

Then, as if a dare to finally take this into his own hands, his phone rang and the air filled with tone he'd chosen for Nate.

_I wish that I had Jessie's girl; where can I find a woman like that..._

Chuck never had been a big fan of subtlety.

He carefully depressed the call button and placed the phone to his ear. "What's new, Archibald?"

* * *

**A/N: **I know it probably wasn't worth the wait, what with the necessary evil of resolving NB, but I'm hoping you enjoyed it anyway! Now that I solved _that _wrinkle, here's hoping next chapter isn't so far away.


	36. I Am

**A/N:** Do not adjust your set, this is an update within two weeks. Although it's short, I didn't want to leave you all without an update this weekend. I hope you enjoy this part as it's one part I was dreading actually writing. And I know that it's been skimpy on Chuck point of view, but that should change in the next few chapters. There's just a lot going on with Blair right now.

This hasn't been beta'd, but my wonderful co-mod Isa did preview it to make sure you'll like it. ;)

**SPECIAL THANKS to everyone who's still with me!**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Gossip Girl's Chuck Bass and Blair Waldorf, I just want to prove they **_**can**_ **stand by each other through anything.**

* * *

Chapter 36

"I Am (All That I Fear)"

* * *

Blair woke with a start and reached for the empty side of her bed for the first time in weeks.

She'd had a terrifying dream that she'd lost Chuck to some unknown force and needed to feel him safe beside her. When she realized her dream was actually a warped version of her reality, she burst into tears. The more she cried, the more sick she felt and soon she was running for the bathroom, losing whatever was left in her stomach from yesterday into the sink while she ran the water.

Staring at herself in the mirror, taking in her dark eyes framed in even darker circles, above her colorless cheeks, she looked like a ghost. That wasn't Blair Waldorf, Queen Bee looking back at her from the glass, that was a terrified little girl who didn't know what the hell she was doing. Someone who had no business being pregnant. Someone who should do the sane thing and stop the madness before it went any further.

But she couldn't.

No matter how much her instincts screamed at her to save herself from the heart break of what her future held, it didn't change the fact that this was a life growing inside of her. A life that was part of her and part of the boy she loved. God help her, the boy she still loved so much it made it hard to breathe. No matter what he'd done, she still held their happiest memories inside her otherwise hollow heart. She still cherished every moment they'd spent loving each other.

Which meant she loved this baby, too.

The thought hit her like a ton of bricks, causing her knees to buckle slightly. She had to catch herself on the counter to keep from falling. Threads of the vehement denial she'd been clinging to unraveled and she saw her situation plainly for the first time since Cotillion: she was pregnant. She was a junior in high school and she suspected she was having Chuck Bass's baby. This was her reality.

It was time to make sure this wasn't a figment of her imagination.

Her hands were shaking as she reached into the drawer in her bathroom counter and took the box in her hand. She'd hidden it there the night before, just after breaking up with Nate and just before collapsing from exhaustion.

After doing what was required to get the test going, she dashed into her bedroom and grabbed her phone to time it. She barely registered that it was four-thirty in the morning, that she'd slept for about twelve hours before waking up from that horrid dream. The dream which started the strange chain reaction that had her taking a pregnancy test in the middle of the night.

Lying back on her bed in the dark, the silence in the room haunted her. Like every second of her life was ticking by, begging her to ignore this turn her life was taking. Echoes of her memories in this room reminding her what she'd be giving up if she went through with the hand she was dealt. The silence was deafening, reminding her that she was alone.

It was the longest five minutes of her life.

When her phone began to beep, Blair sat up like a shot and stared at the open bathroom door. The test was lying where she left it on the counter, holding her answer; no more waiting for this to go away on it's own. For her body to have been mistaken. Her life was literally about to change and she had to was make herself stand up to confirm her condition.

It was quarter after five when Dorota found her there, still sitting on the edge of the bed, still staring at the open bathroom door. The maid looked at her warily and then walked slowly crept toward the bathroom. When Blair didn't stop her, she peeked inside the door, where Blair knew the test was in plain sight.

The woman turned her kind face to Blair and asked softly, "I check?"

Blair considered this for a moment, then, with her lower lip quivering, she nodded and whispered, "Please." The woman who had been everything to her that Eleanor never could be, who had practically raised her, was the right person for this job. She'd never been so grateful to have Dorota in her life than right then, proving that she was never totally alone. Then she closed her eyes and concentrated on breathing while the decision to check the result was taken from her trembling hands.

When Dorota's steady hand touched her shoulder, Blair eyes snapped open and she started to sob. She didn't really need to hear the answer spoken, she could see it on her long-time companion's understanding face.

"Positive, Miss Blair."

It was as bad as she'd thought it would be. No better, no worse. Even though she'd been holding onto that last shred of hope, she'd never expected that hope would prevail. She'd lived in a world of hopelessness since Chuck fled to Monaco; it was a place she'd learned to navigate very well. It wasn't going to beat her when it came crashing down.

But right now she was wrapped in her maid's arms, quietly crying, desperately wishing that Chuck was there. In this moment she'd give just about anything for him to be holding her right now. That he could be part of the moment she knew for sure they were going to be parents.

Once her shudders stopped, Dorota pulled away and looked her in the eye, the older woman's cheerful brown eyes as serious as Blair had ever seen them. "You tell Mr. Chuck." Then Dorota walked out of her room without another word, leaving Blair to follow her downstairs for breakfast. There was no explosion of anger, no forcing her to make a decision that she wouldn't. Just an admonition to tell Chuck that they were bound together for life at only seventeen years old.

Another tear fell down her cheek as she decided that she couldn't burden him with this.

Chuck could never know.

* * *

**A/N: **Again, I'm sorry this was short, but I'm trying not to lose momentum. Next chapter should be longer and very eventful. Here's hoping you liked what you read!


	37. Waiting for This

**A/N:** Another extensive wait for an update, another inadequate excuse. If you're still with me, you're the stubborn type and I love you just the way you are. Stay gold, Pony Boy. This might be worth the wait, might not be. It's longer than usual, though, so that's something. I hope you will enjoy it. Thanks for hanging in there for the long haul with me. You're why I'm still here. This is un-beta'd, so please forgive my human errors.

**EDIT:** I've disabled anonymous reviews because I'm too stressed about real life to take the abuse from trolls about waiting so long between updates right now. It happened. I'm doing my best to update when I can and I'm sorry if that isn't enough for some of you. There's only so much I can do. I'm sorry to let one bad apple spoil it for those kind anons who would have left me lovely reviews. I'll miss you beautiful people.

**SPECIAL THANKS to those who've popped into FanForum and asked when this will be updated. That was definitely a new way to get my attention. LOL. **

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Gossip Girl's Chuck Bass and Blair Waldorf, I just want to prove they **_**can**_ **stand by each other through anything.**

* * *

Chapter 37

"Waiting for This"

* * *

Sitting in the salon in her pajamas, Blair should have known the few seconds of tranquility would be shattered by a visit from her pushy best friend. She loved the girl like a sister, but Serena couldn't seem to leave Blair to sort this out for herself. She had to have her manicured fingers in everything.

"Morning." Serena greeted her, standing in her uniform and coat like she'd been up for hours. In all reality she'd probably pulled the clothes out of the ball they'd been in the corner and not bothered to wash her hair. If she'd even slept in her own bed. Or taken a shower today.

Okay, so she hated her like a sister, too.

"Good morning, Miss Serena," Dorota greeted her quietly, guardedly watching Blair for a reaction to her best friend's arrival. But if her maid expected Blair to confide in the blonde, she had another thing coming. That would be like posting a picture of her pregnancy test results on a billboard in Times Square. Discretion was not going to be Serena's first reaction to this news. There would probably be screaming.

Blair released an exasperated sigh. "What are you doing here?"

"Anybody notice the weather today?" Serena asked, pointedly ignoring Blair's question.

"What?"

"Take a look outside, B," the blonde smiled widely and indicated the wide view out the open window. "My _First Response_ would be that the sky is a _Clear Blue Easy_."

Oh. My. God. The girl had to be kidding.

"Dorota, you may be excused now," Blair instructed tersely, fixing her maid with an unamused glare. After Dorota wiped the tiny smirk from her face, she nodded uncomfortably and left the room.

There was absolutely nothing amusing about Serena's attempt at pregnancy test humor, especially right now, when there was currently one in Blair's trashcan condemning her. Tangible evidence that she'd been stupid enough to fall in love, to drop her guard, to lose her mind over a boy.

Damage control would have to start with her best friend. She had to lie enough to convince Serena to let the issue drop, otherwise her condition would become public knowledge before she could get to her father's. If that happened, there would be no making her own decision; the decision would be made for her.

It was when they were alone that Serena started in on the real reason for her visit. "Chuck still believes you and Nate slept together."

The words made the blood instantly freeze in Blair's veins. "What were you doing talking to Chuck about me?" She demanded, through clenched teeth. If the blonde said something to Chuck to make him suspect...

Serena's hands were on her hips. "I went to see him because I thought maybe he could talk some sense into you about taking that stupid test."

Blair's heart came to a dead stop, thinking of the repercussions and how Serena's pushy nature had ruined her plans, once again. "You had no right to do that," she scolded breathlessly. There was now no way to keep Chuck from knowing her true condition unless she lied directly to his face. The thought itself made Blair's heart ache.

"I was trying to help you, B," she insisted, the look on her face earnest. "I took a public bullet _for you_. Let another rumor about me run rampant. The whole school heard, _even Dan_!" Serena had emphasized the last two words, as if her precious boyfriend thinking she was knocked up was the foremost thing in Blair's mind. As if Blair could even care about what Serena had gone through when her supposed friend had messed up things so thoroughly for Blair herself. As if she hadn't just filled Chuck's head with the exact thoughts that she was horrified at Dan for thinking...

Blair's entire body was numb with rage. How dare Serena do this to her?

"I didn't _ask_ for your help, S!" Blair's voice rose in pitch as she berated this girl, the one who'd promised her a week ago that no one would know when Blair had given into weakness and confided in her friend. "I _asked_ you to keep your mouth _shut_! And you couldn't even do that!"

That was when Eleanor came in the room, alarm written on her face, and glanced from one girl to the other. "What's going on?"

"Ask Blair," Serena sneered. "Her version of the story's always better." She paused, her gaze burning Blair's face as if she expected the pregnant one to come clean to her control freak of a mother while she watched. When her thick head of hair finally got the clue, she huffed, "Fine." Then the blonde blurred as she stormed out the door.

It took seconds for Blair to realize that the blur was a result of her tears and she quickly reined them in to keep her mother from noticing how distraught she was.

The elder Waldorf woman placed a hand on Blair's shoulder, "Are you alright?"

It was time for those acting classes that Serena had forced her to take to start paying off. Forcing a smile Blair replied, "Never been better."

"Well, Serena has. What's wrong?"

"I don't know, Mom!" Blair huffed petulantly, "I can't be held responsible for her mood swings."

The wittiness in her choice of words didn't escape Blair. In fact, she almost giggled at the absurdity of it all. She herself was the one with that affliction, lately. Pregnant as she was. Ha.

Looking uneasy, Eleanor spoke slowly as she asked, "Were you arguing about the possibility that your condition may have returned?"

"No." Blair froze, not having anticipated a mention of _that_. "And it hasn't," she insisted. Bulimia was the least of her worries right now, which was odd as it was once the largest of her problems. Now the issue was that her midsection would be growing for a reason that had nothing to do with food and her vomiting had nothing to do with her self esteem.

Odd how all her challenges seemed to involve her waistline.

The other woman's tone was hushed as she persisted, "I heard you. The other day. In your bathroom with the_ water running_."

Closing her eyes, Blair took a deep breath, trying to come up with something she could say that didn't include the words _morning _or _sickness_. She took the calculated risk of dropping her attempt to act unfazed, deciding to keep things as close to the truth without actually admitting to anything incriminating. "I'm very stressed," she sighed. "And with you and Serena down my throat I can hardly think straight, never mind keep food down."

Can't a bulimic have morning sickness in _peace_ around here?

Her mother squinted at her, studying her as if there was a _truth _or _lie _light growing out of her forehead and it may be visible if she looked hard enough. "Maybe you just need to take a little break, huh? Visit your father? Lyon is beautiful this time of year."

Relieved that her gamble had paid off, and allowed her to lay a little ground work, Blair acquiesced as if it was her mother's idea and not her own. "Maybe this summer."

"Summer..." Eleanor trailed off, "sounds great." She gestured towards the plate of fruit in front of Blair. "Finish your breakfast."

Popping a grape in her mouth as her mother left the room, Blair sank into the divan in relief.

That was close.

Now that her mother wouldn't think twice about her fleeing to Daddy's for the summer, she just had to tell Chuck she couldn't possibly be pregnant. The fact that they weren't talking, and that Chuck could always read her like an open book when she tried to lie, were small obstacles to get over. Other than that, it was only her heart's nagging desire to tell him she was carrying his child that she would have to overcome in order to convince him that her summer trip had nothing to do with her expanding waistline.

Oh, and it'll destroy her when he believes her. So there's that.

Serena really needs to stop helping.

* * *

Chuck hadn't realized how oppressing it was thinking that Blair had slept with his best friend minutes after breaking up with him. Somehow the sun this morning seemed so much brighter than it had since that fateful night in December. It was like he could finally breathe again as he replayed choice parts of his conversation with Nate from the night before in his head.

_It was stupid of me to think Blair had changed... No matter how well I behave, she's still an ice queen... So close to it at Cotillion... She just broke up with me... Said she'd fallen in love with someone else... Wouldn't tell me who..._

Part of Chuck was truly resisting the urge to dance down the sidewalk towards school. This must be what all those annoying romantics refer to as 'walking on air.' It sure didn't feel like his feet were on solid ground right now. Hearing from another person that Blair had fallen in love with someone other than his best friend, and knowing that he was the only possible candidate, had him flying higher than the best product his dealer could ever sell him.

Nothing had ever come remotely close to this feeling.

Once he reached the gates of Constance-St. Jude's, Chuck leaned up against the wall and relaxed with a few tokes of his favorite herbal remedy. Just what the non-doctor ordered to bring his feet back to the ground. Something had to calm this fluttering in his stomach if he had any chance of seeing Blair today and acting semi-normal. There was no way he could face her right now without tackling her in the courtyard due to this new-found happiness bouncing around inside his gut.

It seemed impossible that they'd been apart for so long; to him it felt like yesterday that they'd been wrapped up in each other. The fact that Nate no long had any claim on her, that Chuck could walk right up to her and take her hand was forefront in his mind. Like the possibilities were endless now that she was free to resume their secret relationship.

Even the thought that she could be carrying that very heavy secret around couldn't bring him down. In his playboy days, it was his worst fear, but somehow he'd changed. Somehow Blair Waldorf had changed him. And if she loved him, then her pregnancy was something they would face together.

It was a handful of moments later when Blair whipped past him, causing him to drop the remainder of his stash to stub it out with his shoe. When he caught up with her as she was climbing the stairs, she spun at his light touch to her arm. Her nose was wrinkled up in annoyance at his interception, just a touch of nervousness in her eyes.

Now that he was this close to her, he couldn't find the words to tell her why he'd stopped her.

When he said nothing, she pulled her arm from his grip. "I've told you before, don't stop on my account." Her expression was well guarded, but it couldn't hide that bit of fear in her eyes. Her walls were up, which was completely understandable. He'd been treating her like a pariah ever since they'd broken up, so it was only natural that she mistrust him. His previous happy mood was quickly crashing back to the reality, though.

He'd momentarily forgotten how badly he'd hurt her. Remembering the pain he'd borne during their time apart, and how hard she'd tried to convince him of her innocence while he cut her every attempt down with cruel words, he wasn't looking forward to the hoops he would have to jump through. But he would do it. He would make amends somehow. Because she would have to trust him again.

How else was he going to get her back?

Then, of course, there was always their possible _situation_. He would have to test that little theory of Serena's."Oh, I have to," he drawled suggestively. "Secondhand smoke is bad for the uh-" Gingerly, he brushed the backs of his knuckles to her stomach, knowing that her reaction to that would mean more than any words out of her mouth. Her first response wouldn't be a lie if he caught her off guard.

When she jumped away like he'd shocked her, it was Chuck who felt like he'd been zapped by lightning.

Blair screeched at him. "You can't be touching me!"

"Why's that?" Chuck asked her, a little dazed. She looked around the empty courtyard, her eyes filled with fright. Like she was afraid someone would see what he'd just done and draw the correct conclusion...

That was enough testing for today, Chuck decided, gulping down the lump of fear in his own throat. He needed to work on getting Blair back before he processed what he was pretty sure he just learned. "Look," he caught her cautious eyes and ran a hand through his hair, "I know Nate is no longer an issue. I was his first call last night after the two of you split..." Sighing, he shrugged, "I guess I was just hoping we could talk."

She brought herself back down to the bottom of the staircase, but kept her distance from him. "Why I should talk to you is beyond me, but if he sees you touch me, sees us being anything that could be construed as more than friendly, he'll know, Chuck." She sighed, wringing her hands as an impromptu sort of shield between her stomach and him. "He'll hate you," she stressed, softly, and for once, he could believe her. For once, he could trust that it was truly her motive for keeping herself away from Chuck. He was no longer looking over his shoulder for Nate's shadow, trying to live up to every memory of Nate from Blair's past.

Chuck was finally free.

Very slowly, he lifted his hand and brushed the curls back from her cheek, giving her time to flinch away from his touch. When she didn't, he gave her a small smile. "And if that wasn't an issue? If _losing Nate _is a risk I'm willing to take?"

Blair gave her head a small shake and backed away from him, her face filled with sadness. "We're not together anymore, Chuck. What does it matter?"

"But we _could_ be," he stressed, brushing his fingers down her arm, trying to soothe her. "I know now that I was wrong about Cotillion. And a lot _has _happened, but I was hoping we could..."

Her eyes widened in alarm as she stepped away from him and her voice raised in pitch with every word she spoke. "Pick up where we left off? Are you serious?"

This time he stepped as close as he could get and cupped her cheeks in his hands. "Yes, I am, Blair." He pressed his forehead to hers and closed his eyes. "I want to fix this. Make it right."

He felt her hands take his and lead them down from her face. When he opened his eyes, there were tears pooling in hers. "I can't hear this right now, Chuck." She released his hands. "I have to go."

Blair brushed past him to walk through the courtyard instead of up the stairs. She was probably changing course to stop at a bathroom to control her tears before going to class. It seemed they overcame her before she could escape, though, because she stopped suddenly, her hand against the brick wall.

He approached her slowly, placing a hand gently on her shaking shoulder. "Please, don't cry. Look, I was an ass." Her chest continued to tremble with sobs as he spoke, but he knew this was probably only part of his punishment for hurting her. "I'm so sorry I didn't believe you, Blair." Chuck combed his fingers through her hair, trying to console her while her tears tore him to shreds. "I don't have any right to say it, but I've missed you so much..."

Then she spun on him, with dangerous ire flashing in her eyes. "You don't get to speak to me like that, Chuck! _You_ lost the right to miss me the first time you called me a liar to my _face_!" Swiping her hands across her eyes, she cleared some of the tears from her damp cheeks. "It broke my heart that you didn't believe me. To think back on how happy we were and realize that must have been a lie. The only other explanation was that it wasn't _you_ that came back from Monaco." She bit her lip. "Because _my _Chuck would _never_ do that to me."

Chuck leaned against the wall and crossed his arms over his chest, speaking softly. "You drove me to it, Blair." Her mouth opened to object, but he raised his hand and she stopped, letting him speak, just as he'd let her. "All I did was repay the pain you caused me in the same way you dealt it. I did my best to hurt you as much as possible because that's what it did to me to see you with him." The indignation in Blair's eyes began to soften into understanding. "I couldn't think straight; I destroyed my room, I fled the country to get away from it..." He shrugged, smirking halfheartedly. "The problem is, I had to come back eventually. Which meant we would eventually be standing here, having this conversation." Reaching out, he took her left hand in his his right. "Because we're inevitable, Waldorf."

She didn't pull her hand away, so he knew her resolve was floundering. "_My_ Chuck still wouldn't have been capable of hurting me so badly." Blair sighed heavily, the hand not holding his was toying with the necklace she was wearing, and she was not meeting his eyes. "Not after I tried to explain myself, not after I denied sleeping with Nate." Her eyes slammed into his again, gleaming with unshed tears. "The Chuck that I loved would have believed me."

With his free hand, Chuck softly touched her shoulder, telling himself he wasn't doing so because he was afraid of falling down from the shock of what she'd just said.

"_Loved?_" He asked, his voice sounding hollow his own ears. "_Past_ tense?"

A tear slipped down Blair's cheek and she looked incredibly terrified as she slowly shook her head in the negative. Inside of Chuck there was an enormous, white-hot explosion of joy.

She loves _him_! Blair _loves _him! Not only that, but she's admitting it to his face! She _wants _him to know how she feels, wants _him_ for her own.

For the first time since the night they began, he swooped her up in his arms and kissed her without any thought to who would see, who would _know._ In this moment he just didn't care. All that mattered right now was that they were both exactly where they wanted to be: together. After several weeks of misunderstanding, there wasn't a doubt in his mind that they were finally on the same page.

Of course, this _would_ be when he's torn from Blair and slammed against one of the rather sturdy brick walls in the school courtyard. The face of the girl he loves being replaced by that of her ex-boyfriend, Chuck's very own best friend. The best friend who's hands were now wrapped tightly around Chuck's neck.

It was just his luck that this would happen. That the happiest moment of Chuck's life was the moment Nate discovered their betrayal in the _worst_ way possible.

Because Chuck Bass just wasn't destined for happy endings.

* * *

**A/N:** Yes, you're allowed to hate me a little bit. Please let me know you're enjoying the ride.


	38. We May Not Make It Out Alive

**A/N:** There were days when I didn't think this chapter would ever make it to you. Please accept my sincerest apologies for the eight month wait between chapters of this story. -sigh- Before you plan your flames, please understand that four days after the last chapter was posted there was a death in my family. I am very close to my sister-in-law. Her pregnancy was a source of incredible joy to my family and we were glued at the hip, shopping and planning. A week before her due date her daughter stopped moving inside her; she had passed away before she could be born. It took me a very long time before I was able to even consider getting into a writing mindset for If Only again, before I could look at a pregnant woman or a beautiful baby again without bursting into tears. This is not an attempt to gain sympathy; I was only explaining why it took me so long to update and I hope I still have readers out there. I am incredibly sorry for leaving everyone hanging for so long.

Thank you to my girls at FanForum, on my board, for all the support you've given me during my time of grief. Your love was immeasurably valuable.

**SPECIAL THANKS to my darling Isabel, the best co-mod ever, who gave me _her_ permission to hold onto this while I wrote another chapter after she'd read it to make sure it meshed with the previous chapter. :P Wasn't that gracious of her? LOL. LOVE YOU ISA!**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Gossip Girl, Chuck Bass, or Blair Waldorf. I just want to prov****e that ****two people, who **_**are**_** meant to be together, will find their way back to each other when the timing is **_**right**_**.**

* * *

Chapter 38

"(We May Not) Make It Out Alive"

* * *

With his back grinding against the harsh brick wall, Chuck had an odd thought run through his head: if it wasn't for this coat, his back would be pretty scraped up by now. Here he was, with Nate's hands around his neck, Blair watching the scene with that terrified look in her eyes, and he's thinking about his wardrobe.

Maybe it's the lack of oxygen.

Upon that realization Chuck made the attempt to push Nate away, and the other boy loosened his grip slightly, but not much.

"Did you sleep with her, huh?" Nate accuses.

How do you tell your best friend you've screwed his ex-girl seven ways from Sunday, not realizing you were falling in love with her in the process? Chuck knew this was a betrayal. He deserved whatever punishment Nate wanted to dish out. It was actually a relief to give up the charade, yet he couldn't bring himself to utter the words that would further damn himself in his friend's eyes.

When Chuck didn't answer, Nate's grip tightened again, reading the truth in his friend's silence. "You son of a bitch, I oughta _kill _you." Staring into Nate's livid face, Chuck resigned himself to taking this justified punishment like a man...

Then Blair took those two steps forward, like she was going to break this up herself, and shouted, "Stop, Nate! You're hurting him!"

Chuck flicked his eyes over to meet hers for a second, saw the fear she held in them for his safety, and grabbed Nate's hands, pulling them from his throat. "Look, could we talk about this without your hands around my neck?" He straightened his clothes a bit, trying to appear unfazed by the situation for Blair's sake. He couldn't have her doing something stupid; she could get too close and get hurt, which would be even worse if he was correct about her hypothetical condition.

"What'd you do?" Nate asked as he shoved Chuck back into the wall, "Did you get what you wanted, like with all those other girls?"

Chuck went willingly against the wall as it put him further from Blair, keeping her out of the fight. Crossing his arms over his chest, Chuck slowly shook his head. "No, Nathaniel." He met Blair's eyes, "There's _never_ been a girl like Blair... It's not my fault you didn't see it."

Nate followed Chuck's gentle gaze over his shoulder, growing exponentially angrier when he saw the expression reflected on Blair's face. "Oh, so somehow you screwing Blair for sport is _my_ fault?"

Unable to control his anger, it was Chuck who shoved Nate this time, but he made sure to push him in a direction opposite of Blair. "It wasn't for sport! Blair's too important-"

"Oh, so you cared about her?" Nate scoffed, incredulously.

Scrubbing a hand through his hair, Chuck could see the argument being its final tailspin. "You guys were broken up..."

"For how long, a week? An hour?" Nate grabbed the lapels of Chuck's coat and shook him. "How long _had_ you been waiting for your chance to steal _my girlfriend_, Chuck?"

Knowing that no matter what he said, there was no way to salvage a friendship that was closer to brotherhood. He sighed and met Nate's eyes. "I'm sorry, but she wasn't _your_ girlfriend anymore." He reached out, tried to pat his friend on the arm. "I know how long you and I have been best friends-"

Yanking his arm away, Nate spat, "From now on, you stay away from me."

"Nate..." Chuck began cautiously, putting forth one last effort to calm his former best friend.

Nate, still shaking with his rage, shouted, "Did you hear what I said? You stay the hell away from me, Chuck!"

After watching Nate storm off, Chuck noticed that he and Blair were still surrounded by a crowd of onlookers, filling the courtyard of the school. Class must have released while they were wrapped up in their own personal Fight Club. Giving everyone in the vicinity his most threatening glare, he barked, "Show's over!"

It's then that he notices that everyone in the courtyard is holding their phone... everyone except he and Blair. Taking into account that no one scattered at his demand and that they were still staring at him and Blair, something had obviously hit Gossip Girl about the fight. He quickly grabbed his phone from his pocket and from the corner of his eye he saw Blair following his lead.

Her gasp echoed in his ears.

* * *

_**Looks like the virgin queen isn't as pure as she pretended to be. If Blair Waldorf lied about that, what else might she be lying about? Who's your Daddy, B? Baby Daddy, that is. Two guys in one week? Talk about doing the nasty, or should I just say being nasty?**_

* * *

After reading the snide words, he glanced over at Blair, whose hand was shaking as tears welled in her eyes. Knowing their cover was already way past blown, he took her hand in his to comfort her and led her away from the gathering of gawkers. Once they were alone she broke down, her tears staining his coat as she clung to him. He didn't know what to say, only that it seemed that between his fight with Nate and the Gossip Girl blast, she'd forgotten she was still mad at him.

She seemed to remember herself after a moment because she straightened up and wiped her tears. "Sorry, I'm just so... _humiliated_." She pulled a tissue from her bag and dabbed at his coat. "And by reacting to lies like that, I've only made it worse..."

Knowing this was his opportunity to both get the truth out of Blair about the possible pregnancy and gain some ground in winning her back, he lifted her chin gently, forcing her to meet his eyes. "I know it's part-lie, but the rest of it, Blair?" He sighed in preparation, "Serena came to me yesterday..."

"Serena needs to mind her own business." Blair squared her shoulders and rolled her eyes. "If you _must_ know: I had a scare. I made the mistake of sharing it with her, but it was quickly rectified. Then Serena the Google Queen just wouldn't believe _my body_ until it was proven unfertilized by an official testing method. I _personally_ have no doubts, therefore I'm ignoring her." She hugged her body and looked away. "Which was a lot easier before she involved you unnecessarily and before someone decided to broadcast unfounded gossip for everyone to read."

Chuck wrapped his left hand around the small of Blair's back and smoothed his right hand's knuckles along her cheekbone. "I just wish you'd been able to come to me," he whispered tenderly, "that we'd been on speaking terms. I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you when you needed me." He felt her body's answering shiver at his tone of voice; her eyelids were hooded, her lips were parted.

When he brought his mouth against her cheek to leave a light kiss he felt her entire body stiffen and knew he'd overdone it.

She backed her way out of his embrace. "Fact is, you weren't. There isn't anything that can be done to change that, Chuck." The bell chimed in the distance, signaling that they were late for yet another of today's classes. "I really should get to class."

Blair started to walk away, but he couldn't stop himself from giving her one last thing to think about. "I just hope this isn't some story you've cooked up because you're afraid to tell me you're pregnant, Blair." She turned towards him to protest and his hand was in the air to stop her words before they left her mouth. In two strides he was beside her again, putting his right arm around her and pulling her close, speaking directly into her ear. "Just so you know, for the twelve hours it was a possibility, knocking you up wasn't the nightmare I once thought it could be."

With that, he kissed her on the neck and walked to his next class, leaving Blair rooted to the spot he'd left her.

* * *

There was a cloud of numbness enveloping Blair.

Chuck told her that being a father wasn't his biggest fear and now she didn't quite know what to do with herself. Part of her was resisting the urge to find the nearest dark closet and cry until her lungs gave out; the rest of her was bursting at the seams with joy at this revelation. Then there was a whole different part of her suffering through the anguish of lying to his face about not being pregnant and him accepting that lie as the truth.

All of her needed to keep it together until she could get out of school and this disaster of a day, to privacy and a place where she could sort her feelings out.

So, really, numb was the safest place for her right now.

Ever since the Gossip Girl blast that advertised her deepest, darkest secret for the world to speculate over, she'd been floating from class to class amongst whispers along the lines of _what a slut_ and _I can already see a bump_. She was trying to appear as if she was paying attention to the few lessons she was managing to attend today, but, in reality, she was soaking up even fewer details than she'd been in her previous heartbroken fog.

By the time that lunchtime came, she was thankful for the respite. Glad to escape to the Met steps, where the hierarchy would rule and she was Queen B, she hoped her brain would start functioning again. Sure that being back in her element would show her that something about her life was still normal.

Approaching the steps, she immediately saw something wrong that she could right: the presence of Little J. Hadn't she banished her in a faraway land where Blair still cared about something that the younger girl had supposedly done to offend her?

"What are _you_ doing here?" Blair sneered at the blond, doing her best impression of her former, more royal-feeling, self.

A tiny bolt of glee lanced through her as Little J muttered, "I was just leaving," and immediately turned to go.

But then it all came crashing down around her again, as everything was lately.

"No," Penelope said to the retreating blond, "stay."

Then the other brunette turned piercing eyes onto Blair and looked her over as if she was wearing an outfit from somewhere dirty. Like Chinatown. "Blair, given you can barely manage your _own_ messy affairs, surely you're not in a position to tell people where they can and can't _eat_."

Trying to stand firm and maintain her ground, Blair said the first thing that came to mind: "Do you _realize_ who you're talking to?"

That was when Hazel joined the lynch mob. "You mean a self-righteous bitch who always sat on her own high-horse judging everyone else?

"Pregnant little hypocrite," Penelope added, drolly.

Resisting the urge to throttle both girls for perpetuating the rumor that she was trying to _kill_ with the same lie she'd grudgingly told Chuck_, _she balled both her hands into fists and answered strongly, "_Not_ that it's any of _your_ business, but I'm _not_ pregnant."

"Nate must be thrilled," Hazel smirked.

Penelope added, "Chuck, too."

Blair stood silently as the two twits continued to dress her down in front of her subjects. She couldn't refute either Nate or Chuck's involvement; there had been that very public display earlier. And only _she_ needed to know that Chuck was the only possible father of any possible pregnancy. These girls weren't worthy of that information. They never had been. They were only supposed to adore her and do her bidding. Follow her lead, not lead the mutiny against her.

"The whole school saw them throwing down over your cheap ass," Hazel continued, joyously.

Penelope stated, matter-of-fact: "The boyfriend and the best friend."

"Pretty classy," Hazel declared, a satisfied smile on her face.

"Consider yourself dethroned, Queen B," Penelope concluded and walked up the steps, the rest of the girls following her. Kati and Iz at least had the decency to look ashamed at the way they were abandoning Blair. Jenny, however, stayed behind, her cautious eyes on Blair.

Frustrated, Blair rolled her eyes, "What do you want? To gawk? Run along; there's nothing else to see here."

The girl's eyes sharpened indignantly. "Even when you have _no one else_, I'm still not good enough for you?"

"You don't get it, Little J." Blair smirked, feeling a little of the power she'd been robbed of still flowing through her veins. "You will _never _be good enough. You can pretend all you want, but you're always going to be a wannabe. No thrift store Manolo's or hand-me-down Prada will change that. You will always be a knock-off version of _me_."

"Ugh," Jenny cried out in frustration, "You're _such_ a bitch, Blair! I'm so glad I sent that tip!"

Blair reached out and grabbed Little J's arm, squeezing it. "_You what?_"

"Let go, Blair!" Jenny screeched, trying to escape Blair's grip.

Releasing the blond's arm, Blair took a deep breath to calm herself. "I'm going to ruin you now, _obviously_." Jenny didn't look sufficiently scared, but this didn't bother her. "If you tell me where you got the details for your little _fabrication_ I will be more lenient."

Fixing Little J with her most determined stare, the younger girl really didn't stand a chance of missing Blair's point: she was going to get this information. It _belonged _to her. Seconds ticked by as Jenny's resolve weakened under the weight of Blair's will and the girl fessed up with a defeated pout. "Fine! I saw you and Nate go into a hotel room at Cotillion." Then she smirked. "And you really shouldn't throw up in the school bathrooms, no matter how bad the sushi was."

Resisting the urge to smack the smirk off the girl's face, Blair asked, "And Chuck? _How_ did you know about Chuck?"

Jenny straightened her back and squared her shoulders in resolve. "You can threaten me all you want, but I'm not telling you where I got that information, B." She gave a little wave as she walked off. "Enjoy life at the bottom."

Seething with rage at Jenny, the answer to her question floated effortlessly to the surface of her consciousness: there was only one person who knew about Chuck besides Chuck and herself.

Obviously Nate was not the _only_ one betrayed by his best friend.

* * *

**A/N: **Well, there you have it. After all your waiting... another cliff-hanger. Not too bad this time, I hope. :) And, yes, I did take some artistic license with the episode time line to fit my story. I hope you liked it!


	39. The Walk

**A/N:** Well, my life is completely different from the last time I posted a chapter. And that's understandable, considering how long ya'll have waited for this. I don't have any other reason for making you wait other than life is busy. I hope you will forgive me and allow me to continue to write for you. It really is one of my favorite things to do... just not something I always have time for. BIG HUGS for those who are still with me.

**HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my darling Isabel. She couldn't have hoped I would get this posted for her on her actual birthday! SURPRISE MY DEAR!**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Gossip Girl, Chuck Bass, or Blair Waldorf. I just want to prov****e that ****two people, who **_**are**_** meant to be together, will find their way back to each other when the timing is **_**right**_**.**

* * *

Chapter 39

"The Walk"

* * *

The wheels had been turning in Blair's head since her lunchtime fiasco, where she'd been forced to watch what used to be _her _minions shun her and walk off. To add insult to injury, she'd also discovered it was Little J that had sent the Gossip Girl tip that was currently ruining her life. The younger girl's words had been echoing through her head for hours, reminding her that she was exactly where she didn't want to be: at the bottom. Even if the the truth about her pregnancy wasn't public knowledge, she was still a social outcast after that blast, her personal life broadcast to the masses.

And now she still had to figure out how to deal with Serena's betrayal.

Blair had been placidly ignoring Serena, regarding her with as little notice as possible for the rest of the school day. She wasn't sure how to _feel _about the knowledge that it was Serena's fault that Jenny was even privy to Blair's private relationship with Chuck in the first place. Any other day Blair's first response would be anger, but it was tears she was fighting; there was this overwhelming sadness enveloping her, knowing that her best friend could share such damaging information with someone liable to use it in a way that would hurt her so deeply.

Even now, walking home beside her best friend, Blair couldn't decide how to broach the subject with her blond counterpart. Each time she took a breath to speak she had to stop, swallowing back the tears. After spending the morning watching Chuck go through a brutal fight with Nate, the two friends who'd been as close as siblings on two sides of an unfathomable rift, all she could think was that this wasn't _supposed_ to be happening to her.

She wasn't supposed to lose her best friend today, _too_.

They were walking next to a nondescript brick building, on a stretch of sidewalk somewhere between school and The Palace. After several long moments of silence, and some odd looks thrown her way by the blond, Serena finally spoke up. "What's going on, B? You've been so quiet."

Focusing on breathing evenly, Blair asked calmly, "What would you like me to say, S?" She was very proud of herself for not missing a step. It was taking all her concentration to keep walking and not break down. It was hard to imagine that this dirty stretch of street was where years of friendship would end.

Serena threw her hands up in the air. "Oh, I don't know. Your life _was _kind of busy today." She counted _one _with a finger from her right hand. "You kissed Chuck in the courtyard after fighting with him for a month, so there's that." She added a second finger to the first. "There was the fight between both your ex-boyfriends that the whole school saw." Then a third finger popped up next to the the two already standing. "Then we can't forget that Gossip Girl blast that was pretty much your worst _ever _fear come to life."

Blair decided to try and postpone the inevitable, so she kept walking without a word; Serena grabbed her arm and stopped her. "Pick one, Blair!" With a sympathetic look on her face, she pleaded, "_Talk _to me; I'm your _best _friend."

Closing her eyes, Blair sighed. "That's what I used to think," she spoke evenly as she took several steps. Spinning to face Serena, she met the other girls eyes steadily as she finished: "Today you might as well be my worst enemy."

The blond stopped in her tracks, calling after Blair, "What's that supposed to mean?" She didn't try to catch up. Almost like she couldn't be bothered.

The renegade tears were welling up again and this time one slipped past Blair's defenses. She was trying so hard to be strong, but her accusation came out as a defeated whisper. "I can't believe you told _Jenny_ about me and Chuck..."

"What?!" Serena took two steps forward, "I didn't!"

"She's the one who sent the tip to Gossip Girl... little wannabe _bitch_ told me herself." Tears were flowing freely now and Blair paused to swipe them away from her cheek. "And now, because of her, everybody knows the intimate details of my private life. _You_ were the only person who knew Chuck and I were involved." She sniffed, "It had to be you."

"But I didn't tell Jenny," Serena responded, starting to sound panicked. "I don't know how she found out!"

"Frankly, S... I don't care anymore," Blair replied, mournfully. "My reputation is ruined; I was publicly humiliated at school and at the Met, Nate was hurt, and, as much as I _want_ to forgive him," her lip trembled, "I'm not ready to let Chuck back in. I can't even trust you, now... I've lost _everything_."

Serena was silent for awhile, staring off into space and looking desolate. Eventually she whispered one word: "Dan."

"What?" Blair asked with a cry, tears coloring her voice.

Now was the moment that her best friend's betrayal would be confirmed by the blonde herself.

The other girl reached out, closing the distance between them with her hand on Blair's arm. "I told Dan; you weren't dealing with the pregnancy scare and I wanted advice on how to help you." Then Serena shook her head, supposedly in disbelief. "I had no idea that-"

Blair bit down on her words, cutting Serena off. "You didn't think that he would tell his social-climbing sister who wears _my _hand-me-downs so that _she_ could blab it to _the world_."

When Serena opened her traitorous mouth, no doubt to defend one of the Humphreys, Blair raised her hands in a surrender that remembered the friends they used to be. "Like I said, S... I don't care. I only brought it up because I wanted you to be perfectly clear on why I'm doing this."

"Doing what, Blair?"

For a second Serena looks confused as Blair leaned in and pulled her into a hug. After a giving herself a second to mourn a life-long friendship, she whispered, "Goodbye, S."

Then she walked away in whatever direction that she was facing, ignoring the desperate sound of her former best friend calling her name.

The further she walked a way from Serena, the more resolute Blair became: it was time to escape this town. If she couldn't count on her supposed best friend's support and discretion to get her to the end of the school year, there was no way she was going to survive the emotional ramifications of her situation... not without breaking-down and giving in.

Not without bringing Chuck into it.

Even if his earlier comment about his reaction to her possible pregnancy made that the most tempting idea she'd had all day, she still couldn't give in to it. She had to think about more than just her own wants, her own needs, her own urge to breakdown and cry into his shoulder, to tell him everything. Telling him wasn't an option until she decided she was ready to keep this baby, to be responsible for life beyond her own, to be a mother at seventeen.

A mother.

The piercing fear in her gut at facing her judgmental peers and her controlling mother, the thought of pulling a Madonna and telling them she was gonna keep her baby... it wasn't difficult to make-up her mind to flee. She was leaving for Lyon on the first flight that would take her. It was time to call daddy and get out of here.

And then she had one errand to run before she went home to pack for the longest plane ride of her life. Be it private, commercial, or cargo.

* * *

By the end of her international phone call, Blair had wandered all the way to Central Park. There, sitting on a bench in Strawberry Fields, was a familiar blond figure, one that looked bereft and confused as he stared off into the distance.

Nate's head snapped up in surprise when she sat down, astonished to see who was beside him. He'd obviously not expect anyone to find him in this place, which he'd only shared with his ex-best friend.

Before he could chase her away, Blair launched a preemptive strike. "The first thing that you need to know is this: I never cheated on you. When I was with you, I was separated from Chuck. The fact that you didn't know we were seeing each other wasn't ideal, but it wasn't as wrong as it could've been." She sighed, "We never meant to hurt you."

"What are you doing here, Blair?" His accusatory tone was much less than welcoming, making it hard to know where to start. This was a conversation that they clearly needed to have; if she was going to leave for France, she couldn't leave without at least trying to fix her friendship with Nate.

And, hopefully, begin to mend Chuck's friendship with him as well.

Taking a deep breath, she decided that there was only one way to begin; where this whole mess had started, where she'd always felt at home with Nate. So she quietly replied, "I was hoping we could talk about us."

"There is no us, Blair!" He spat vehemently, pushing himself up to stand. "You made sure of that."

She remained seated, her hands folded demurely in her lap. Non-threateningly, she suggested: "I think we both know it was over between us a long time ago, Nate. I just thought I owed it to what we were to set the record straight." She sighed at the angry set of his jaw, opening her hands in surrender. "And because I still consider you to be one of my best friends, even with all we've been through."

"Friends, Blair?!" Nate asked in shock. "You slept with my best friend, behind my back, for months! Someone you knew and hated!" His hands flew wildly through the air as he spoke. "How could you expect to be friends when I can't stand to look at him and I can't believe I'm even having this conversation with you?" He was so upset, the words came out more strained as he spoke, his pitch rising until his voice practically squeaked in question as he finished.

Even though Blair felt terrible for his reaction, she was determined to make him understand.

"Honestly, Nate," she smiled softly and spoke timidly, "even knowing how much you're hurt, I don't regret breaking up with you." He looked a little addled by her response, so she continued. "We just weren't right for each other, other than as first loves... and that's what you'll always be for me." When she saw his face had begun to soften, she reached out for his hand. "When you slept with Serena, something changed between us: we began to grow apart." She smirked, "no matter how much I tried to fight it."

When he opened his mouth, she raised her hand to silence him. "I'm not angry or blaming you for what happened between you and Serena; I'm just stating a fact." She took a deep breath before whispering, "And I never hated Chuck." Digging deeply for the strength to keep her tears at bay, she continued, "He's always been someone who spoke my language in a way you never did, so when you and I broke up that night, I went to him in friendship." Blair smiled at the memory of champagne and burlesque for a moment. "We somehow stumbled into more and I did try to stop it. I had hoped that you'd be at my birthday party so that we could make-up, but when you didn't come, Chuck and I continued to see each other."

Nate pulled his hand from hers and finally took his place again on the bench beside her. Like the air had been deflated from his lungs and he couldn't stand any longer.

He looked up at her in confusion, "This really is my fault."

"Nate..."

"No, it is. I chose not to show up. It's like I pushed you toward him," he finished, an incredulous light in his eyes.

She took his hand and smiled tenderly at her simple-minded childhood sweetheart. "You didn't make me fall in love with him, you didn't make me date him for a month..."

Curiosity lit his face, "A month? You're not together?"

Not trusting her voice to keep steady, Blair shook her head.

Nate tilted his head with narrowed eyes. "That's what it looked like today... Why aren't you together?"

Blair felt her eyes start to water, the night of Cotillion so far in her rear-view, yet still so clear; her life had changed so much since then. Nate noticed her tears and put his arm around her back, so she gave him a watery smile. "It was a stupid misunderstanding at Cotillion."

"The night you kissed me?" He seemed to consider it for a moment before he exclaimed, "Oh, God!"

"What is it?"

"I winked at him," he replied with a frown on his face. "I saw him on the staircase while we were kissing and I winked at him."

"I felt so guilty, just lying there next to you." A tear escaped down Blair's cheek. " That's why I went to find him, but he was gone... That was the night he left for Monaco. "

"It was weird that he wasn't hooking-up with girls in Monaco, but I didn't..." Nate's thought trailed off when he saw the look on Blair's face, reflecting her inner relief at that revelation.

Nate's hand came to her cheek, where he was studying her intently. "So he really wasn't playing with you? You're sure?"

"He never said it, but I know he loves me. I'm sure about it, in a way that I was never sure with you." She brushed the bangs out of his eyes, her vision blurring. "With you I always needed to hear the words."

Nate nodded, wrapping her in his arms. For the first time in awhile Blair didn't feel like it was something he was doing to manipulate her. "So why are you telling me this? The real reason, Blair."

She sniffled, the onslaught of tears constant, the thought of leaving and her mission here already breaking her. "After the way I was humiliated today, I've decided to finish the semester in France." Nate's arms around her tightened. "I won't be back until Fall and I couldn't leave without knowing that you were at least trying to forgive him." She gave a watery laugh, "Especially since it wasn't totally his fault in the first place.

Pulling back to meet his eyes, which seemed to be forming their own glistening shield, she continued, "If it hadn't been for our tiff at Cotillion, we would have told you together weeks ago. _That _was the plan. And at least then Chuck and I would have each other..." She looked away, across the meadow as she blinked back the tears. "I need to know you'll be here for him while I'm gone."

* * *

**A/N: **Oh, big things are coming, big things... I'm nervous. Don't throw heavy stuff at me, okay? Bubbles and marshmallows are okay. I deserve it. I hope you liked it anyway. :-)


	40. Go

**A/N:** To everyone that's still reading this or just discovered it, you have my extreme respect for hanging on this long. Real life has been insane and it's never going to slow down, I guess. It's good to know I still have this little part of the universe that I can control. I hope that ya'll enjoy this chapter; it's about 600 words longer than usual, which I hope makes it worth the wait. Oh, and be forewarned: I'm considering this, the next, and the past few chapters the "downward spiral." So let's just hope that the pilot remembers to pull up before we crash. And points the plane towards someplace sunny. :)

**SPECIAL THANKS to everyone who keeps leaving "OH MY GOSH! HOW COME I DIDN'T FIND THIS STORY SOONER" reviews. Ya'll remind me that there's still story to tell. :)  
**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Gossip Girl, Chuck Bass, or Blair Waldorf. I just want to prov****e that ****two people, who **_**are**_** meant to be together, will find their way back to each other when the timing is **_**right**_**. And, as always, story and chapter titles belong to Hanson's ever-growing songbook.**

* * *

Chapter 40

"Go"

* * *

Leaving school later that day, Chuck had gotten into his limo and simply instructed Arthur to drive. He needed to get away from the scene of the crime, but there was no place he needed to be, no where in particular that he wanted to go. Without Blair and Nate it was like he had the slightest clue of what to do with himself. The thought of returning to his empty hotel room, filled with memories of both his ex-best friend and his ex-girlfriend, consumed him with dread. It was like he'd somehow lost two best friends, instead of just one.

Without them in his life, he was literally lost.

He had just resigned himself to driving around the city for the afternoon when his phone rang, filling the gloomy cabin with the ringtone that he'd specifically chosen for this caller. He looked at the caller ID and was shocked at the picture displayed; the last person he thought he would hear from today was smiling at him from the screen. It wasn't a mechanical glitch that caused this particular song to play.

As he fumbled with his phone, he debated internally for a moment, wondering if he should answer it. Would it be worth the potential trauma to pick up the phone and find out what the caller wanted? They definitely hadn't parted on the best of terms...

Steeling himself for the worst, Chuck failed to keep the nervous tremor out of his traditionally purred greeting. "Nathaniel?"

"I talked to Blair." His former best friend began without preamble, obviously not in the mood for small talk. "She told me a few things about how this happened-"

Chuck tentatively interrupted, "You mean, how Blair and I happened?"

"Yeah. That." Nate sighed, staying quiet for a moment while Chuck waited for him to continue."And, it's weird, but when Blair broke up with me this last time, I kinda knew it was you." The pause on the other end of the phone gave Chuck the chance to hide his own shock at this revelation. "It was a shock, but it wasn't, you know?"

"How... how did you figure it out?" Chuck sputtered, unsure of what else to ask. His former friend wasn't exactly known for this deductive reasoning skills.

"Blair wouldn't use the word _love_ about someone she barely knew," he replied. "And, she's right on this one, you've always understood her better than I did. The way you two bickered makes so much sense now, man..."

His mind blown, Chuck needed to narrow this line of conversation down to the point: "Where are you going with all of this, Nate? Is this a strange way of saying you forgive me?"

Exhaling loudly, Nate said, "I don't know about that." Then there was a moment of silence. "I have a lot to think about."

"Okay." Chuck shrugged to his empty car. "That's more than I thought-"

Nate cut him off. "But that's not why I called."

"It's not?"

"I wanted nothing to do with you, I was so _angry_..." Nate's voice trailed off. "Then Blair came to me to ask me to forgive you both. She cares for you, Chuck and, now that I have some background to your relationship..." he sighed, "I believe that you might care for her, too."

Baffled, Chuck asked, "What background?" What could Blair have said that made this conversation possible?

"She told me about Cotillion. How you broke up the night you left for Monaco? It was strange that you weren't ordering maids to go along with your room service, but now I know why." Then he paused. "Am I wrong?"

Chuck shook his head, even though his former best friend couldn't see him. "I was too messed up over what I thought happened with you and Blair in that hotel room. It was all I could think about." He cleared his throat, nervously, knowing this might be the only chance he had to convince Nate that he'd been serious about Blair. "I even stayed away from New York as long as possible, so I wouldn't have to see you two together."

There was silence again, a throat clearing, a deep breath; it was like Nate was thinking hard, trying to make a decision. And then he said, "Then... _that's_ why I called: because you care about her and you _should_ know."

Sitting up straighter, Chuck asked earnestly, "Know _what_?"

Nate huffed out a breath. "That Blair's finishing the semester in France. And she's leaving as soon as she can, from the sound of it."

The news added another weight to the pile that had building in his stomach all day, making him sink back down into the soft leather seats of his limo.

On one hand, it was still difficult to believe that Blair would leave without telling him, no matter what they'd done to each other. On the other hand, this would have been a day from hell in her mind. Running away from the source of her pain was the mirror image of what he'd done by fleeing to Monaco. And he'd definitely played a large part in hurting her.

Forcing himself to survive this phone conversation before sinking into the deepest bottle of scotch he could find, he asked softly, "And why did she tell _you_ this?"

"She wanted me to be here for _you_ when she was gone." Nate sighed gruffly, "Which is something I'll have to work on."

Chuck took a moment to absorb everything Nate had said and tried his hardest to avoid thinking about Blair on another continent. Then he couldn't help but ask, "If you're still mad, then why tell me?" He was truly confused at about Nate's motives, considering the fact that Nate's hands had been around his neck only hours ago.

"Because that's what a friend would have done."

The phone call dropped suddenly, leaving Chuck with his former best friend's accusatory words echoing in his ears. It was simple to read between the broad lines of what Nate was saying: a friend would have told him that he was dating his ex-girlfriend. There were so many times Blair had reminded him that staying a secret was dangerous and it took _this_ disastrous day for it to sink in. A day that wouldn't have happened if he and Blair had just been honest with Nate about their feelings.

He had royally screwed up by not confiding in Nate and he wasn't going to forget that any time soon.

It took him a few minutes to pull himself from the revelation that this was all his fault. Once he remembered why Nate called, he silently thanked him, then pressed the button to lower the driver partition.

He had a destination now.

* * *

Tears ran rampant down Blair's cheeks during her entire walk home, but she managed to maintain what was left of her dignity by not sobbing. After her _break-up _with Serena and her emotional conversation with Nate, it was hard to believe that she wasn't all out of emotions. It was almost like she was a bottomless pit of despair.

When the elevator signaled her arrival at her penthouse and the doors opened into the atrium, the aura of emptiness surrounding her was suffocating. This apartment she'd called home for years was filled with the echoes of time spent laughing and loving both Chuck and Serena. She wasn't going to survive the ache of loss if she stayed here, surrounded by so many memories.

If she didn't leave soon, they might swallow her whole.

She found her mother was actually home for once, just sitting in the living area; it seemed that fate had finally decided to give Blair a break. And even though Blair was usually convinced that Eleanor had been absent the day they bestowed the gift of motherly affection, she threw herself at her the older Waldorf woman's feet, jarring her from whatever paperwork she'd been pouring over. Maybe there would be a touch of the caring woman her mother was on Thanksgiving still lurking in there...

Blair knew the moment that Eleanor saw the tear streaks staining her daughter's face because the words that slipped from her mouth sounded slightly concerned. "Are you okay?"

Keeping control of her urge to cry everything out to her mother wasn't easy and Blair let an unladylike sniffle slip. "I'd be a lot better if I could spend a semester going to school in France."

Appalled, Eleanor asked, "A semester?" To Blair's answering nod, her mother continued uncertainly, "Well, I already talked to Harold about a visit and he was thrilled."

After taking a moment to be relieved that Daddy had kept his promise to stay quiet, Blair asked, "So, can I go?"

Her mother's eyes widened comically, "Now?"

"Mom, please try!" She knew she was begging now and she didn't care. There was no way she'd survive another few months in the vast and lonely desert that New York currently represented.

The older woman kindly smoothed the hair back from Blair's face, which Blair had been too distraught to realize had escaped her headband. "Blair, I am _very_ concerned."

Even though this was the side of her mother that she was hoping to encounter, the back and forth was getting frustrating. "So book a flight!" The surprise on her mother's face reminded Blair that she wasn't being rational. She had to keep control of this exchange or her mother would send her to Ostroff instead of Lyon. "It's just that I miss Daddy so much and it's Spring Break; there isn't a better time for me to switch schools. It'll be less likely to affect my grades this way."

Eleanor still looked suspicious, but she finally relented. "Fine, we'll get you out," she replied. "Tomorrow."

Grateful to check another item off of her list of things to do before fleeing town, Blair fought tears as she whispered, "Thank you," and turned to leave the atrium.

Her mother's voice rang through the silence just before Blair reached the steps to the second floor. "Oh, and Blair?"

She turned back to face the elder Waldorf and then rested her hand on the railing of the staircase. "Yeah, mom?"

"Whatever your running from won't disappear while you're gone, Darling." Her mother's knowing expression caused a haunting chill to materialize in Blair's chest. "You're still going to have to face it when you get back."

Sighing, Blair replied softly, "I know."

She thought that she'd feel relieved once her escape route was in place, but her mother's final words rang incredibly true, keeping her from the respite she'd been expecting. As Blair climbed the stairs, her feet seemed to get heavier.

The closer she got to packing up her life in New York, the more she was regretting her decision not to tell Chuck about her departure. She knew that she wouldn't be able to face him; if that stunt he tried to pull at school today was indication, the pull between them was strong as it ever was. And she knew that picking up the phone would only end with her disconnecting the call before it could ring.

It felt like she was breaking-up with him all over again, even though they hadn't been together since the beginning of December. Her heart simply couldn't bear to break his again, but her mind knew that there would be no better opportunity to move her pregnancy to France than in the face of an untrue scandal.

When she pushed her bedroom door open and flicked on the light, the last person she expected was waiting for her, sitting on her bed.

"I figured out that you want space, Blair. You don't have to book an intercontinental flight to prove a point." Chuck stood, his face stoic as he continued his commentary, "France seems a bit excessive..."

Blair had frozen in the doorway, her heartbeat fluttering erratically in panic. "Who told you?"

"A mutual friend," he responded evenly, a bit of an ironic twist to his lips. "Someone that thought _you_ should have."

When he took a step toward her, she fled further into the room, away from him, flattening her back against her bathroom door. "Please go, Chuck..."

He sat on the edge of the bed again in an obvious attempt to seem nonthreatening and implored softly, "I'm not leaving until you tell me why _you're_ leaving."

Blair now found herself in the precise situation she'd been hoping to avoid. Her brain was scrambling, trying to come up with a way to convince him this had nothing to do with her condition. She stalled. "Because I have to."

Apparently that hadn't been the right thing to say because Chuck's head snapped up, his eyes sharp, piercing through her, "Why do you _have_ to?" Those deep pools of caramel were as alluring as ever, even when they were trying to read what she wasn't saying, trying to see something that they shouldn't.

"I've lost everything," she exclaimed in feigned exasperation, "my reputation, my friends, my dignity, _you_... I've even been _de-throwned_." Blair sighed. "I'm a humiliated nothing here." There. She'd thrown every persuasive emotion into her reason and given her best impression of defeat; if this didn't work...

He was up before she could blink, his hands cupping her cheeks like he used to, his mouth just inches from hers when he whispered what she'd been desperate to hear just weeks ago: "You haven't lost me!"

Standing so very still, with those precious words and his touch sawing away at her resolve, she struggled to maintain her determination. This was the exact situation she'd been hoping to prevent. The same one that could tempt her to confide in him about their child or ask him to run with her; two things that just couldn't happen right now. She had to get some distance and make a decision about two futures before she could tell him.

Holding on tightly to her need to think, to be free of the threat of her mother finding out and the thought-obscuring influence of Chuck, she gently removed his hands from her face. "What we _had_ is gone, Chuck." Her heart splintered at her words, causing her eyes to water and she didn't try to hide as she choked back the tears. "So much has happened..."

"And how," he growled in frustration, "am I supposed to fix it if you put _the Atlantic Ocean_ between us, Blair?" He sounded outraged, but his faced was filled with panic, like he knew what she was going to say next before she even did.

"You let me go, Chuck." She took his right hand in her left, her pleading eyes never leaving his. "I _need_ you to let me go."

He pulled her closer by the hand that he held, touching his forehead to hers. "You're sure that's what you want?"

She thought of their child, of how much better it would be if she could find a way to tell him... How that would never be possible until she could learn to trust him again.

"Yes; I want you to let me go... then I want you to call me." Blair smiled guardedly, pulling back until she could meet his gaze again. "We can talk our way across an ocean." Affectionately squeezing the hand she still held, she continued, "Maybe we'll figure out what made us work in the first place."

He looked lost as he brushed the hair away from her eyes with his free hand, stroking her cheek with his thumb. Blair allowed herself to revel in his touch, preparing her heart to let him go as he softly kissed her forehead. "Goodbye, Waldorf," he whispered reverently, "I'll miss you."

Then he had abruptly pulled his hand from hers and walked away, shoulders set like he was trying his best to be strong.

He reached the door around the same time that Blair realized she wouldn't be able to live with herself if she let him go like that. Not when this moment was eerily reminiscent of that terrible fight they'd had, the one where she'd thrown her worst Nate-themed insults at him and he had gotten on the elevator before she recognized what had happened.

She went after him and yelled his name. "_Chuck!_" When he turned to look back at her, she threw herself into his arms and kissed him with all the turmoil that roiled inside her at this moment. Pouring all the things she couldn't say into his mouth, she allowed the passionate embrace to last much longer than she should have. She needed this final moment to drink him in, to gain the strength to leave him and wander the Chuck-less wasteland known as France. She had to give their hearts this respite before she spent the next several months dreaming of the moment she could tell him about the secret she carried under a few layers of the skin he'd spent countless intimate moments claiming for his own.

They were both breathless when she pulled away, cautious hope in his dark eyes as he looked into hers.

It all came down to this moment; this was the moment that she had to break his heart again, but, this time, she was going to do it with grace. Knowing what she had to do, it was a little easier now, post-kiss and holding tightly to the fact that they were parting on speaking terms this time.

This wasn't the book closing, this was just the start of a new chapter. A clean start for them, one devoid of the lies that had previously hindered their progress. Except, of course, for that one secret that would have to remain hidden for now.

Kissing him softly once more, she whispered, "Goodbye, Chuck." She held his disappointed gaze and ran her hand through his ruffled hair, then down the back of his neck. "I'll talk to you later, okay?"

He gripped her hand tightly before allowing their hands to fall slowly apart. "Yes, you will." He walked through the doorway and gave her a last glance before making his way down the stairs.

Blair shut the door quietly before sliding down against it to the floor. Giving in to her despair, her body started to shake with all the gasps and sobs that she'd been suppressing ever since her life's downward spiral began.

And, this time, she _let_ herself cry.

* * *

**A/N: **Yeah, I know it's depressing... but necessary. We have to get through the angst so I can write some happy stuff! Please R.S.V.P. if you will be around for said "happy stuff" when we finally get there...


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